Chapter Eighteen
your friend who is as your own soul
Deuteronomy 13:6
During that day, the Abbot had made time to walk around the grounds of the Abbey discussing his newest Novice with the Bishop.
"Tell me about this friend of Silas' that paid for a private plane to Zurich and also made an extremely generous donation to the Abbey," the Abbot asked curiously.
"Yes, Sennett is a little unusual," the Bishop agreed, smiling with pleasure at the views of the Valley around him.
"Sennett? This friend is female?" the Abbot asked, surprised.
"Oh yes, a woman of means and education and from a good Catholic, French family," Seraphim confirmed with a nod, "She lives alone in Kensington and works as a Tutor and Researcher at Oxford. Her field of expertise is diverse covering ancient and medieval history, Church history, linguistics, ancient texts with a smattering of Theology. She is a fascinating conversationalist and an easy friend to spend time with."
"She is single?" the Abbot asked probingly.
"Oh yes, she never married. She doesn't seem to want to from what I've gathered. She loves her independence and is quite self-sufficient," Seraphim said truthfully.
"She is attractive?" the Abbot asked neutrally.
"Oh, very. She could have been married long ago if she had wanted it. She is a well-balanced person with a lot of friends from all walks of life. No-one has a bad word to say about her. I think in another age she would have been a contemplative like yourself but family commitments and the freedom she enjoys so much keep her from that kind of life now," Seraphim said generously.
"She is religious?" the Abbot asked curiously. So many people who worked in Universities, particularly their Religious Studies departments, were very secular in their views.
"She is a practicing Catholic and her faith is very important to her," Seraphim confirmed.
The Abbot was satisfied for now on the subject of Sennett. The rest he would extract from Silas. He had always planned to be Silas' Confessor since he received the Bishop's letter. He didn't trust anyone else to the task.
"So tell me more about Silas," the Abbot said after a pause.
"He is a diamond in the rough. I'm sure Aringarosa saw that too. Unfortunately, Aringarosa used Silas in the service his own obsessions and Silas has suffered terribly as a result. His trust in the only friend he thought he had has been smashed to pieces. He will find it hard to trust anyone now," Seraphim said regretfully.
"Even after all Sennett has done for him?" Abbot Philemon said mildly.
"Sennett was only in his life very briefly – just under a month. Now, he is here and must start again. I doubt her influence was long enough to undo all the harm from the last 35 years of his life," Seraphim said honestly.
"No, my community here must do the bulk of that work," the Abbot agreed.
"Silas is very, very bright. He has had pitifully little foundational education, yet he reads well and writes well. His vocabulary is good, when you can get him to talk rather than just ask a lot of questions. He is very curious which is always a sign of intelligence. He speaks three languages already which will make learning any further languages easier for him. I imagine he will need to learn German to add to his English and French, living in Switzerland.
"He has a tendency to self injure which must be watched. He seemed to conquer it while living with Sennett but could easily be tempted to fall back into it if he is stressed.
"He is very humble and quite obedient. His prayer life seems rather crude but that may be the fault of Opus Dei training and easily corrected in time. He is anxious without access to the sacraments but able to tolerate solitude quite well.
"His social confidence is non-existent and his social skills very underdeveloped, although he is very polite and clean. He seems to have been separated from socializing with other Numeraries at Opus Dei, probably because of the plans Aringarosa had for him. If treated with sensitivity, he does come out of his shell – mainly, as I said, to ask a lot of questions. He seemed genuinely surprised and deeply touched by any sign of friendship or kindness. He is quite amazed to learn of anyone liking him or wanting his company. I don't think he has any idea of how much myself or Sennett or Diggory value him just for who he is. I think the idea would be completely new to him. If the men of your community can show liking for Silas without asking anything in return, I think it will heal a lot of Silas' deep wounds and give him some healthy self-esteem which he totally lacks at the moment.
"I don't believe he is naturally attracted to sin, the way some men are. He knows his faults and exaggerates them to himself, berating himself when he falls short of his own high standards of behaviour. He was desperately unhappy all the way to Zurich because he had forgotten to say thank you to Sennett at the last. He thought that meant he was a very ungrateful person, rather than someone under stress going into a new environment who merely forgot. I believe that since his youth, since joining Opus Dei, his only sins have been those imposed upon him by authority figures who had no right to abuse his promises of obedience in that way. He grieves horribly over them nonetheless, despite his full and frank confession, and absolution.
"I do think that when under extreme stress, if he was backed into a corner, he may come out fighting for his life. He has a strong, instinctive defense mechanism that was built into him very young by a violent father, by growing up on the streets and having to survive in jail. I think it probably served him well on more than one occasion. He needs, however, to learn to control it and learn that most environments do not require that kind of defensive behaviour. Opus Dei channeled that behaviour to its own ends, making something that was instinctively self-defensive into something that could be used as a weapon against their perceived enemies. They really messed with his mind and took all his vulnerable places and warped them to their own ends. Goodness only knows what kind of horrible mess they have left. I am sure you will find out over time, Abbot," Seraphim said, showing a remarkable understanding of his new friend gathered in a very short time.
The Bishop glanced at the silent Abbot and was surprised to see both anger on his face and tears in his eyes as he looked out unseeingly over the lovely valley.
"This should happen to no person, least of all in a body sanctioned by the Church," the Abbot said finally through clenched teeth, "What would the world think of us, if they knew the truth about Opus Dei?"
"They would think that any institution as big as the Church is more than likely to collect its fair share of nutcases," Seraphim said mildly.
The Abbot looked at the Bishop sharply then threw back his grizzled head and laughed out loud.
"You are right, good Bishop," the Abbot said after a hearty laugh, "And I can see Silas has a very good friend in you."
Sennett received Silas' email on Sunday morning. She was sipping coffee when she checked her messages and was thrilled to hear from him so soon. She hadn't even been sure he would be allowed to use the email at the Abbey.
Sennett smiled for a long time after reading it. She would not answer immediately as he wouldn't be able to read it until Saturday anyway. She would have to come up with something interesting to tell him.
Silas settled into a routine that first week. He said goodbye to Seraphim on the Tuesday and tried to concentrate on living the Rule. In the main, he was successful. He was used to self-discipline and obedience and regular prayer times. He enjoyed working with the animals and they responded very well to him. Even the experienced monk who was teaching him new skills was impressed at how well the animals reacted to Silas' handling.
His physical strength had already been restored by the month of rest at Sennett's flat. Without the cilice and the discipline and the rigorous fasting, he built up health and vigour quickly in the fresh mountain air of Engelberg.
Because of his duties with the animals, he had permission to miss certain Divine Offices of the Rule throughout the day and also was not allowed to restrict his food intake as much as others in more sedentary roles. Unlike the office workers, he had to eat three times a day instead of twice. He was required to do so under obedience to the Abbot.
Although he adjusted well on the surface and the Abbot had no cause for complaint, Silas did not make a good emotional transition. He put it down to it being his first week in a new place and didn't dwell on it too much. However, he could not hide it from his Confessor.
"I noticed that you are very quiet and subdued, Silas," the Abbot said in their first weekly meeting on Friday.
Silas shrugged and looked at the floor, his pale head bent and his shoulders slumped.
"Are you not happy here?" the Abbot asked kindly.
Silas frowned. He didn't know if his unhappiness was linked to the Abbey or something else.
"I don't know," he said honestly, in his grating tones.
"You don't know if you're happy or not?" the Abbot asked patiently.
"I don't know if my unhappiness is due to the Abbey or other things," Silas admitted with a small sigh to himself.
"What other things?" the Abbot persisted gently.
Silas shrugged again, almost impatiently. "Everything has changed so much, so quickly," he said in his deep voice, "Everything that I thought I was living for and was important to me was pulled out from under me. I don't even trust myself to know what is true and what is not anymore."
"You must give yourself time to grieve and to adjust," the Abbot said simply.
Silas nodded.
"You've settled in well. The brothers like you. Brother Paul thinks you are wonderful with the animals. You've adopted the Rule without problem. I think you need to give yourself space to heal emotionally from the events of the past month or so," the Abbot said encouragingly.
The brothers had been very kind to him, making a point of coming over and speaking to him during the brief recreation periods, making sure they pointed out his good points and the things he did well to him, introducing him to each other and saying nice things when they did so. It had been like a balm on the open wounds in his spirit. It had warmed him and made him slightly more relaxed.
Perhaps the Abbot was right, perhaps the dreadful ache he felt that seemed to almost paralyze every thought and every movement was only a reaction to the past month - to losing his security in Opus Dei, to losing his faith in his only friend until then, to having everything he was certain of tipped on its head. Perhaps time was the only thing that would make it go away. For now, he had to keep trying to make it work.
On Saturday, he logged on to the internet at around 7pm to send both Sennett and Seraphim an update on his week. He was amazed and excited to see an email waiting there for him from Sennett. She had replied to his email from the previous week. He actually felt his heart pick up speed, as he clicked on the link to open it.
Hi Sils!
Thanks for your email, it was so lovely to get it. I guessed you were pretty overwrought, what with starting a new life in Engelberg. That's only natural, you know.
You must tell me about your fellow monks and your daily routine. Monastic life is so fascinating to us decadent types outside monastery walls.
I think you'll enjoy working with animals. It sounds quite heavenly, looking after animals out in the fresh mountain air. When I was a very little girl, all I wanted in the world was to live on a farm and tend animals. So, I envy you!
Seraphim has told me all about how beautiful the Abbey and the valley is. He has a very high opinion of the Abbot and believes you are in the very best of hands. I was very relieved to hear it.
Robert Lngdon has been to see me in the last week, wanting some help with his new book. He mentioned my visit to the Louvre (you remember me telling you all about that episode with the Priory freak with the gun?) and seemed to believe my motives were as pure as the driven snow, thank goodness. I should have been an actress, I think. Oddly enough, it looks like I might be going back there at same stage to help him examine the inscriptions on the tomb and so forth. He had a young woman with him - Sophie Nveu. She has some connection with the Priory. I didn't want to appear too curious, so I didn't ask too many questions. I'm sure I'll learn more in time.
The lab that did our DNA testing has been back in touch. It seems like there would be some interest in the findings from our tests on Mary's bones because of their age and origin. I said I'd get back to them about authorising further testing and contacting academic bodies. They can't release a smidgeon of information without my permission, so I think I'll sit on it for awhile. I don't want to open any cans of worms.
Things have been pretty quiet for me other than that. The flat seems quite empty with just me in it these days. Sometimes I find myself looking up to say something to you but you're not there anymore! It must be senility setting in.
Well, please stay in touch. I would love to hear more about how things are going for you. I feel like I have a personal investment in your happiness now, so I want to ensure things are going well in Engelberg.
Take care,
Sennett.
To Silas' surprise, he found his eyes were full of tears by the end of the email. He wiped them roughly away with a feeling of bewilderment. What was wrong with him? Why did a friendly, chatty email from Sennett make him feel so off-balance again? He was in a worse state than he thought.
Pulling himself together, he composed a reply full of bits of news about his daily routine, the new skills he was learning, and the men of the community and how kind they had been. He expressed interest in Langdon's motives and those of the Lab in asking permission to do more tests.
After he signed off, he quickly looked around the library. He was alone. He printed out Sennett's email, folded it up small and put it in his deep habit pocket. He hadn't been forbidden from printing out emails, so he wasn't being disobedient. He just didn't want the other monks to know what he was doing.
After that, he composed an email to Seraphim.