Chapter Twenty-Two

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

Sennett found herself staring speechlessly at Silas with her lips parted in stunned disbelief. She no more would have expected Silas to say such a thing than she would have expected him to fly.

"Switzerland?" she finally repeated, feeling light-headed, "My life is here Silas," she said but realized immediately she didn't sound convinced of what she was saying.

"Your life here is ruining your health and making you unhappy. You don't like town life. Come and live in Switzerland with me in the country," he said simply.

Sennett stared at him some more. Who was this man? He had changed so much that she barely recognized him but in so many ways, he was achingly familiar and dear. The Silas she had known would not dream of inviting a woman to move to Switzerland with him. It was inconceivable and yet, he just had.

"Silas, have you thought about the implications of what you're asking?" she said, deliberately gentle. She had the feeling he had not.

Silas' eyes widened. "I'm not asking you to do anything indecent," he said, looking deeply shocked, his pale cheeks flushing a deep shade of red, "I just want to take care of you and see you get well and be happy. We wouldn't be able to live in the same house, I suppose," he added, having just realized that once settled in Switzerland and no longer in hiding, it would be inappropriate to live together as they had done before while he had been wounded.

Sennett's eyes filled with tears. She couldn't remember the last time anyone cared whether she was sick or well, except in how it inconvenienced them, let alone wanting to take care of her and wanting her to be well and happy.

"That sounds like my Silas," Sennett said, smiling at him.

Being called 'my Silas' by Sennett made him grow warm with pleasure. "I just can't imagine my life without you in it," he said with the candour of a child. His pale eyes held that strange, naïve gleam and shone clear of guile. She had forgotten what it was like being around him. There was just no-one else like Silas.

It seemed to Sennett that every time Silas said something, he surprised her. Why should she be surprised? The Abbot had told her this would happen. In her heart of hearts, she had denied it. It had hurt to think about Silas while he was gone. It was easier to tell herself she would probably never see him again or not for such a long time that it wouldn't matter. Of course, that didn't explain why they had both been such faithful correspondents while apart.

"You could take on a post at Berne University. I'm sure there isn't a University in Europe that would knock you back," Silas said thoughtfully, his ideas coming together. "Berne is in the middle of the farming district, it would be perfect."

Sennett knew Silas was right. In fact, Berne had approached her a couple of years ago with an offer to take over the History or Linguistics School. She was sure she could at least get some part-time tutoring work. She received offers like that all the time from Universities all over the Continent and even in the United States.

"I'll think about it," Sennett promised, "We can talk about it some more after I've had a chance to absorb the idea."

Silas knew when to stay silent. At least she was willing to think about it. He had blurted out the idea before even thinking it through himself but the more he grew accustomed to it, the more he liked it. He didn't want to be anywhere Sennett wasn't anymore. He had been miserable at Engelberg because she wasn't there. On the other hand, he simply couldn't stay in London and be safe. If she would agree to go to Switzerland with him, he believed everything would be as perfect as it ever could be.

Sennett told Silas where to find the linen to make up his old bed in the spare room. He insisted on doing it himself while Sennett went to lie down and rest.

Silas couldn't be happier to be back. Still, he couldn't get the memory of holding Sennett close to him out of his mind. Being back in her flat felt right but having Sennett in his arms felt even more so. He had no idea what to do about it, however.

It was not like the brief sexual encounters he had had as a young man. That had been nothing more than two empty vessels bumping together in the night. Holding Sennett was totally different. It made him feel full, complete and at peace.

He sat tensely on the edge of the newly made up bed and frowned, biting his pale lip. This was a new problem. His only thought when leaving the Abbey had been to find out if Sennett was okay. At the same time, he knew he would not go back there. Once he was here in London, he realized that he didn't want to be apart from Sennett ever again. Again, his thoughts hadn't gone much past this revelation. He genuinely believed that living in the country would help Sennett's health but his desire to have her go back to Switzerland with him was purely selfish. Would having her as a neighbour really be enough for him?

His frown deepened. He hadn't thought about the implications of having her in Switzerland with him. There was no way on earth he would compromise either of their reputations by sharing a house with her. It was outside his moral frame of reference. Did he just want to 'share a house' with her anyway? Or did he really want to be able to hold her whenever he wanted to? The idea took his breath away. Was it even a possibility? He had no idea how Sennett would feel about it. It had been such a long time since he thought about a woman in that way, it was strange to even be considering it. Like opening a door to a room that had long been shut and discovering it was full of new treasures.

Silas felt his heart skip half a beat as he allowed himself to even consider a whole new relationship with Sennett. Would she even consider viewing him in that light? Even consider trying to love him in that way rather than just a friend? He didn't know. He had no idea.

He chewed on his lip, uncertainty taking root in his mind. He wouldn't know where to begin. He had been away from those kinds of relationships for so long that he had even forgotten how to flirt. Then again, he wasn't sure he had ever really known how. It wasn't his style. It would feel ridiculous asking her out on a date. Dating was for people who didn't know each other very well yet. He felt like he knew Sennett by heart. She certainly knew him better than anyone in the world ever had.

It suddenly struck Silas that there was absolutely no impediment to marrying Sennett, apart from getting her to agree. Opus Dei numeraries made contractual promises of celibacy, not vows. As a Benedictine Novice, he had not taken any enduring vows either. He was as free as any other man. It was a startling new thought. Silas sat very still as this revelation sunk in, the frown clearing slowly from his face. He was free to love Sennett completely - if she wished him to love her that was.

Silas felt off-balance again. Once more, his view of the world and his own life and the possibilities open to him were rearranging themselves in wonderful new ways. It seemed like the whole world was open to him. He could choose what would make him happy. For the first time in his life, he could choose.

Of course, then there was Sennett's view of things – of him. He knew for sure that she cared about him. She had definitely been glad to see him today. The look of joy of her face when she saw him was like balm to Silas' anxieties. Would she even think about marrying him, however? He was not like a normal man. His background was very bad. Not many women would want to take on a street rat, a jail bird, a murderer and someone who had been part of an organization like Opus Dei for more than a decade. Apart from that, what on earth did he have to offer her? He didn't even have a job lined up for when he got back to Switzerland although he was sure it wouldn't take long to find one. People with good animal husbandry skills were getting rarer and rarer. He didn't have a home set up for her there. Even his own health had to be taken care of. Albinos had their own set of challenges, although there was no doubt he was fit and strong and able to earn a living. Was she repulsed by his white looks? She had never shown any sign of it but he really had no idea.

He began biting his lip again. He needed to put some plans in place and then, he would have to work up the courage to speak to her and be honest.

Silas cooked dinner for them both that night while Sennett was resting. He couldn't do much more than bacon and eggs and toast but Sennett wasn't picky. She wasn't all that hungry either but she had a go at the food to be polite.

Silas asked about Langdon's book and Sophie Neveu, who Sennett had now met. Sennett filled him in while they ate.

After dinner, Silas went and sat on the couch with one of her books while Sennett had a shower. She would be going to bed early. She didn't feel very strong yet. She came back out in her night gown and went and sat next to him on the couch, curling her legs under her and leaning against him as she turned on the TV with the remote. To Sennett, it felt perfectly natural. If he was comfortable (finally) with hugging then he would be comfortable with being leaned on. She liked being close to him, it was as simple as that.

He didn't hesitate in putting an arm around her slender shoulders, although he was initially surprised at her curling up against him like a small animal. He liked the surprise, though. He had learned the hard way never to hesitate in responding to her acts of affection. He felt her relax against him once more as they watched the Current Affairs show.

"I don't know why I watch this," she said sleepily, "It's so depressing."

When he looked down at her again, she was fast asleep.

It occurred to Silas that if he and Sennett were married, their evenings would be pretty much like this. He sat very still, to let her sleep. He would be quite happy to spend the rest of his life this way.

Sennett found herself in her own bed the next morning although she had no recollection of how she got there. With a rush of warmth, she remembered that Silas was back. She smiled sleepily to herself. Life was immediately so much better.

She got up late and wandered into the kitchen to get herself some cereal.

"You should let me do that," Silas' deep voice came from the lounge room before he appeared in the kitchen doorway.

"It's only cereal, Silas. I feel better being back at home anyway," she said, "Have you eaten?"

"Don't worry about me. I can take care of myself. It's you I'm worried about," Silas replied in his rasping voice.

"Don't worry too much," Sennett said reassuringly, spooning cereal into her mouth, "Have you contacted the Abbey to let them know where you are? They'll be anxious about you."

"Can I use your internet?" Silas replied, pointing to her laptop.

Sennett logged in for him and Silas sat down to compose a very hard email.

Dear Abbot Philemon,

I am sorry to have left without word on Wednesday night but I was worried about my friend, Sennett. I hadn't heard from her and she had always been a good correspondent. Our mutual friend Seraphim was uncontactable at the time, so my only way to check on Sennett was to come to London.

When I left the Abbey and broke my Novitiate vow of obedience, I realized that the life of a monk was not for me. I feel so ungrateful telling you this, as I know how much time and resources and love you have invested in my care. I can't tell you how much your kindness and that of the brothers has meant to me. Being at the Abbey has changed me in so many ways for the better. You have given me a sense of security and safety, and taught me so much about how to live within a healthy community and have strong relationships. In teaching me these things, you also enabled me to make choices and decisions. You have given me the gift of options, perhaps for the first time in my life.

I hope you are not disappointed in me. That would make me very sad. I would never wish to let you or the community down.

I am currently considering my options. I would like to go back to Switzerland to live and perhaps complete my animal husbandry apprenticeship in Switzerland's central farm lands. I would also like to continue my study by correspondence once I have settled somewhere. In the meantime, I will make arrangements with the University to take over responsibility for my own studies as I am no longer the Abbey's responsibility.

In the meantime, I will stay with Sennett in London as she is recovering from a flare up of her illness and needs help with day-to-day tasks until she is stronger. I will probably be here for at least a couple of weeks.

I am contactable on his email address should there be any formalities that need to be cleared up with regards to the termination of my Novitiate.

God bless,

Sils.

"Do you think the Abbot will be very disappointed in me?" Silas asked, his pale head bent and his eyes lowered.

"No," Sennett said, nursing her cup of tea for the warmth.

"Why not?" Silas asked curiously.

"I met the Abbot once," Sennett said, unsure whether to tell him or not.

Silas raised his strange eyes and looked at her in amazement.

"He came to see me about you," Sennett continued, "He told me that he believed that you would one day leave the Abbey, probably sooner rather than later."

Silas' mind was racing. How did the Abbot know? He had never said anything like that in his weekly confession. He hadn't known himself that he would leave until that last week.

"How did he know? What else did he say?" Silas asked hoarsely.

"He said he believed that when you left, you would come here to me," Sennett said.

Silas looked away. How had the Abbot known? He had never spoken of Sennett to the Abbot. It was something too precious to him to share.

"I'm glad he was right," Sennett said softly.

Silas looked up at her again and Sennett didn't look away. He got up and came over to where she was sitting and knelt down next to her on one knee, looking up into her face.

"I love you, Sennett," he said humbly, surprised when the words came out of his mouth, his odd eyes lit with that strange blue fire.

"I love you too, Silas," she replied without hesitation, one hand running caressingly over his white head. It was absurdly easy to say.

Silas' eyes widened. Why had he wasted so much time? Why had he made complications?

"Marry me," he said, his voice even rougher than usual.

That surprised Sennett. She had not been expecting that. She took a deep breath.

"Yes," she said.