Roman sat quietly staring at a blank screen in front of him. He said he was going to sit down and write. Something to take an edge off of the feelings bubbling in his chest. He said he was going to, but he couldn't get the words on paper. No matter how close he got, he always recoiled to the same, stiffened position. He couldn't stop his mind from running.
He had finally thought Patton was paying attention. That he wanted to help. That he was willing to listen. That he wasn't going to brush it off or act like it wasn't as bad as it seemed. Roman had thought that he wanted to talk about his and Janus' relationship. How his actions left an empty space. How some things Pat had done continued to plague him.
For the first couple of times, that was true. Patton did listen. He even had a conversation with Roman without trying to guilt trip him out of whatever slump he was in. But of course, it just started to feel like how it used to. Discrediting and saying it couldn't have been that bad. Only wondering if he was okay when something bad happened. And they all wondered why he wouldn't open up.
Roman closed the computer, curling up and hugging his knees. He wasn't sure what to do anymore. They used to be best friends. They could bounce jokes off of each other. They could tell each other anything they wanted, do anything they needed. They trusted each other. He hugged tighter. Now, all of their interactions felt shallow. They still joked, they still laughed, they were still friends, but it felt like there was a wall between them. Like, as time went on, they'd become separated.
How was he supposed to deal with it?
How was he supposed to sit in a room with all of them and not feel so empty?
How was he supposed to look at Patton and talk like there wasn't a breaking thread between them?
A knot crawled into Roman's throat, a dull tension covering his body. He was so used to being a pair. He would follow Patton without a hint of hesitation and they both had loved it. They'd been closer than ever. And of course he knew he'd broken trust over time. He realized that. In fact, it haunted him. That he'd hurt Pat of all people. Someone who cared so much about him. Someone who tried to be in his corner again and again and yet got burned every single time. No wonder their relationship had taken a dip. But he'd been hurt too. So many times. By the little things. The ones Roman knew Patton didn't remember. The ones that most people wouldn't count as something that hurt. The ones that seem somewhat ridiculous on paper.
And he couldn't say anything.
Roman's nails dug into his arms, tears swelling. It felt stupid. To be so upset about something like this. Relationships changed. It couldn't be the same thing forever.
But he hated how it'd changed.
Oh, how he hated it.
He gasped, biting his lip. There wasn't any point of trying to stop the tears. One way or another the thoughts would overwhelm him. They always did. He was trying to get better for them. For Thomas. He swore he was. He was trying not to shut down when he spoke about important or hard topics, he was trying to be more open with everyone about how he felt, he was trying. But it didn't matter. Patton wouldn't believe him. Hell, he was pretty sure Logan would believe him more than Patton ever would. Remus just ignored everything. Whether it was out of being uncomfortable or out of malice, he still wasn't sure. He couldn't even talk to Janus without it devolving into an argument. And Virgil? Well, Roman couldn't bear to see the worried expression on his face. It would kill him more than the hollow feeling ever would.
He felt so entirely alone. More than he ever had.
Because at least before, Patton was there.
They could hang out, and talk, and sing until they were laying on the floor breathless. They could watch comedy stand-ups and Disney movies. They could make pillow forts and try to stay up to the sunrise. Of course, unlike Virgil, they could only stay up to about one before they both passed out from exhaustion. They just didn't have time to do that anymore. There were more important things to do. More important people to be friends with.
Roman laid down, squeezing his eyes shut. He really couldn't tell how hard he was sobbing anymore. His body was shaking too much. He knew he shouldn't be crying over it. or at least as loudly as he was. Roman knew that Logan would probably say something like "just go talk to Patton" or "communication is key in any relationship" as if he wasn't hiding something from all of them as well. He just…couldn't.
He couldn't just drop the years of proving that his feelings weren't worth the work. With a listening ear. He didn't even care if it was only perceived. It hurt. It hurt so much. And it hurt more that he couldn't do just that.
That he couldn't just let go of the grudge and open the floodgates. He knew it wouldn't go well, that it would just make issues worse, but god to get it all off of his chest. Yell into the air that he wasn't fine and he was done pretending for everyone around him. That he just wanted a break from all of them for a fucking moment.
He would give anything for that. No responses, no anger, no disbelief, no convincing, no nothing. Just him and all the words he bit back and an audience that wouldn't respond.
But of course, he knew life wasn't like that. It hadn't been too kind to him before, why would it be now? He was alone.
And his best friend had said and done more than enough to "help". Patton had done his best. And it just so happened that his best wasn't good enough. He wasn't sure it ever would be.
Roman stared at the wall in front of him, tears falling slowly sideways down his face. Minutes ticked by until eventually his body stopped shaking, and all he was left with was the same hollow feeling he'd had before. He pulled the covers over his head, ignoring the laptop slipping beside him. He snapped his fingers, his lights turning out.
He just wanted to go back to how it was before. It made a lot more sense. He wished anything could make sense now.