AN: The reason this is such a crappy fic is because I wrote it over a few hours purely for the amusement of myself and my friends. I'm posting it anyway because I have nothing better to do.

Chapter 2 – Riku's Haircut

After getting everything they needed, Sora climbed into position to carry out their secret mission. Kairi was left with the task of getting Riku to go along with them. She did her best to hide their supplies behind her back. She hoped she looked normal. Well, with hair like that, Riku couldn't tell the difference. Which was what their plan was all about.

"Umm…Riku?" called Kairi.

"Yeah?" Riku was glad Kairi was talking to him again. He didn't like the secretive way she and Sora had made him wait half an hour while they ran around the island doing god knows what. Probably getting it on again.

"Stand against this tree, okay?"

"Why?" Riku was suddenly suspicious. She isn't going to make me grope the tree like Sora, is she? Riku hoped not. That tree just didn't turn him on. It wasn't sexy like Kairi…

"It's a surprise. For you. But, uh, you have to close your eyes – oh, as if you could see anyway. But it's better to be safe – and don't move!"

"Anything for you, Kairi."

"NOW!" Kairi yelled.

"What the-" Sora jumped out of the tree he had been groping earlier, directly opposite of Riku. And suddenly, Selphie's old jump rope was securing Riku to the tree in dozens of complicated knots.

"What are you doing?! Hey, don't come near me with those scissors, I'm warning you!"

"Sorry Riku, but this is for your own good," Kairi said sadly. "We just couldn't let you stay vision impaired forever. And we were tired of holding your hair out of your face." Kairi handed Sora the scissors and he started snipping away at Riku's silver locks.

"NOO! I need my hair to look cool! STOP, YOU MOFOS!!!" Sora ignored him and kept cutting.

"It'll be over in a minute." Kairi comforted him. "Just hold still, or we might cut your nose off or something."

"We? Wait, you mean you're cutting my hair too?!"

"Well, not really…technically I'm shaving it. Oh, I used this razor this morning. You don't mind, do you?" Riku was speechless. On one hand, he was having his head shaved with a used pink girl's razor. On the other hand, said razor had been touching Kairi's leg…Riku's pervy half won easily.

"Uhhh, just be careful, okay?"

"Define careful."

"Never mind, Kairi, but don't cut my hair too short- YOU TOO SORA! WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!"

"Sorry," said Sora, not at all apologetically. "Oh, oops. Lemme see that razor Kairi…" Kairi handed over the razor and Sora commenced to shave Riku's head. Long strands of silver hair fell onto the sand and glinted in the sun. Riku squeezed his eyes shut. When he opened them, he realized that he could truly see for the first time since the end of Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories!

"Hey, I can see! This is great! Thanks guys, you're the best!"

"Um, you better look in the mirror." Sora muttered as he held up a mirror in front of Riku's face. "Well, as long as you can see-"

"I'M FUCKING BALD!!!" Riku cried. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!!!"

"Hey, it's the inside that counts," Kairi reminded him. "And now we won't have to get you a seeing-eye dog…or bunny. They're cheaper, right?"

"Yeah," said Sora. "I saw this episode of Fun With Akatsuki where Itachi got a seeing-eye bunny on YouTube."

"STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT!!! AAH, DON'T LET MY HAIR BLOW AWAY!!! I NEED IT TO MAKE A WIG!!!" While Riku chased locks of hair down the beach (un-drunkenly), Sora and Kairi started talking about the latest Fun With Akatsuki episode. They were still arguing about whether Tobi was better than Crispy, Itachi's bunny, when Riku gave up and ran back to the groped tree.

"Well, I guess my hair's stuck like this. We better get back to the caroling," he told his so-called friends irritably. Some friends they were, to do this to him. Now he would have to slouch even more and wear even baggier pants to look cool. Or he could change back to the grass skirt he had worn as dark Riku. Or go into hiding until his hair grew back. "Tomorrow's Christmas and we have to sing this at 10 houses or get 500 years of bad luck."

And so, they resumed practicing.

"On the first day of Deathmas my stalker gave to me a whor-vulture in a dead tree…"