So in order to speed things up to pace I'm going to be writing "Here I Am" in KYOU'S POV.
That's right, Kyou's POV. And the phobia that I write Kyou in having, I actually have, so don't laugh.
Here I Am
When someone asks you "When did you fall in love?" there never really is an answer. If there is, then you're not really "in love" you just think you are. Love is something gradual, you start wondering to yourself, "When did I start blushing?" or "How come I'm so jittery around him?" It's simple things that cause you to start questioning yourself. Why you try to distance yourself from them, how come you can't seem to get off the phone when they call, and why do you think of them when you look at small trinkets and knick-nacks at the store -things they like, stuff they dislike- even more so than things that perk your own interest. So why do they ask that question and expect a date for an answer?
My red eyes scanned the room once more, the simple bookshelf, couch and chair the same as the last time I came. I couldn't help but wonder if my family would laugh at me for doing this... for trying to seak help.
"Maybe... when I became a young teenager," my fingers played with each other as I studied them, my elbows resting on my knees.
"What do you remember of back then, before you became a teenager?" Her voice was always so calming, perhaps that was why I kept on coming to the psychiatrist. She was good at what she does, and because of her Doctor-Client Privilege she couldn't say anything about my curse when she accidentally bumped into me on our third session. She freaked out of course and I had ever right to run out of the office but I didn't. I didn't want Akito to know any of this; how I was trying to help myself piece together what sanity I have left, trying to remember things I've forgotten and most importantly, get help to calm my temper and find myself. I always feel so... suffocated and numb like I am choking to death on ice cubes. And in the end, Dr. Kimamura took my curse well and was much more careful around me since then.
"I remember..." I watched my fingers go white-knuckled with a numb distance, "I remember my mom committing suicide... I remember how my father hit me so hard I lost some teeth a day before the funeral."
"What about before that?"
I brought a hand up to my head and rubbed my forehead in thought, "I... remember... getting a picture taken."
"Of who?"
"My family and Hatsuharu's family. I recall it getting late, to late to go home so we rented a motel room to share. I slept on the floor with out a blanket... Haru woke me and let me sleep on the couch with him. He - held my hand the whole night and got in trouble in the morning. He cried and all I could do was look at him and wonder why he was allowed to when I couldn't shed a tear with out my mother going into emotional break downs and father would beat me saying he was giving me a reason to cry."
"Was that the first time Hatsuharu held your hand?"
"No."
"When was the first time it happened?"
How was I supposed to know that? Haru was clingy. He always had been and always will be.
"Don't know, but he was the first cousin out of my family that I had met, so I've known him for a long time."
"I see. And what about now?"
"Excuse me?"
"Do you hold hands now?"
I rubbed my hands over my face, I was getting tired again. The crawling feeling in my skin was telling me another storm was about to let loose some serious rain. I could use the sleep.
"No we don't hold hands."
"Why's that?"
"I just... don't want to. Besides, I usually have my hands too full to."
"So you admit that you'd like to."
I looked at her with slightly wide eyes, I never thought of that, "Well... yeah."
The black haired woman adjusted her glasses and wrote down notes in that large pad of yellow line paper that seemed to be glued to her crossed legs. A few minutes ticked away before she smiled that smile that I knew she didn't give to her other patients. She's already told me I remind her of her little brother. Thus why I sit on the opposite side of the room, I really don't need to get someone else attached to me Hatsuharu and Hoodoo were enough than I could handle. Thank god for Tohru, I can at least get her to babysit, crap, I mean "catsit" every once in a while. I really can't wait for Hoodoo to grow up to the point he can be left alone for longer than fifteen minutes.
"Well Mr. Sohma," Dr. Kimamura didn't even look up, "Today's session is over but I would like to tell you some things."
I stood up, happy to get out of the well cushioned chair. I was looking forward to the walk home, I needed the time alone and the exercise.
She looked up at me with all seriousness, "I believe you have a phobia of the palm of the hand."
"What?" I looked at her with a raised eyebrow. I was seriously paying her for this?
"Just let me explain -you make it so that people can't shake your hand, hold it, and I've noticed that when we first shook hands you wiped your fingers against your pants as if it clean them of some kind of grime. Now then, I'd like you to try something for me," she stood up and placed her note pad on her desk as she spoke, "I'd like you to try and take control, be the first one to offer your hand to someone and shake it with a firm grasp. Do this with everyone you know, even strangers on the street. Take control of that fear."
I frowned while shoving my hands in my pockets, my palms were starting to tingle and itch just thinking about doing what she wanted me to do. To get my mind off of it I said, "So what's the other thing?"
"Sorry?"
"You said 'there were some things' you wanted to talk about, what was the other thing?"
She smiled while opening the door for me to leave, "The last thing is that I think you should start talking to Hatsuharu about things that have happened in the past. Not only will it help you open up to each other but both of you can figure out how to make the past less painful and how to move on."
"Che, I could have told you that one."
"I know, but some times it's best to hear these things from an outside party."
I didn't say anything when I left. I just hurried out of the building and into the rain that was making the streets empty except for a few people. I didn't like the idea of reach out to people like that. It made me want to vomit just thinking about touching their hands. I pulled my left hand out of my pocket and slowed my pace down the sidewalk to a stop. Was it because of the abuse I suffered from when I was a child? Mom only took my hand when she was going to look and see if my bracelet was on tight enough. Father only hit me. Haru... got in trouble for holding my hand. Why do I wipe my hands after giving a friendly shake? That was easy enough to answer, because I don't like the idea of dirtying anyone up. By wiping my hands like I do it's as if I removed the deed just done.
I looked up at the gray sky. I didn't want to touch anyone, especially Haru. He was too special to be soiled by someone like me. Someone like me... yeah, as if anyone could get any more disgusting than what I am. I gave a sad smile and put my hand back in my pocket and continued to walk. At least I can take some comfort in that I'm matched in at least on department. God I'm so pathetic.
"Kyou?"
I paused to look for who had called my name.
"Hey, Kyou over here!"
The call was coming from across the street. The guy waved at me as I squinted, rain obscuring my vision. It was Yamato, he used to be in Haru's class until he moved to a different district. I waited as he looked both ways and then darted across the empty street. He was a fun guy that I would talk to alot when I wasn't with my usual company AKA Tohru, her weird ass friends, or my stranger than her friends cousins. Which didn't happen often so that would make him almost a god-send. I can only stand so much of them for such an amount of time before I snap.
"Hey, haven't seen you in a while. What's up?" I let him hold his umbrella over me when he reached my side.
"Nothing much at all," he blinked his blue eyes trying to remember who-knows-what. The guy had a horrible memory and led one of the strangest lives. "I have a pixie living in my backyard, my mother lost her job and is trying to make a living off of selling stuff off of the internet while trying to go into business in Grant Writing. My sister's now married to an asshole and they bring their little dogs over all the time, and I have to get an MRI for my back... so I guess you would say nothing out of the ordinary."
I just stared at him for a moment before a chuckle wiggled itself out of me. Knowing him, all of that was true, even the pixie part. He was creative but not much of a liar. I felt a little sorry for him because I knew he was terrified of little dogs from being attacked so much when he was a kid and I had the pleasure of meeting his sister once. I seriously wanted to kill her before she said anything, then I just wanted to maime her and send her to hell after she was done verbally tearing her little brother to pieces right in front of the school gate. Yamato was not one my best friends but she was one hell of a bitch. So her getting married to someone that he would call an 'asshole' was like having two of them.
"I'm sorry to hear that man. What brings you back to the area?"
"Just seeing the old sights," the blond grinned. His American half showing real well with that. "Oh, hey before I forget-" he pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. Jotted down an address and number and handed it to me, "New and improved info on where to find me. Let's go out for pizza and arcade games some time. I miss hanging out with people that have an IQ higher than a single digit."
"New school that bad?"
From the way he looked sick and shivered, I'd have to say yes.
"Look, I've got to go," I pocketed the paper. My thumb nervously running over the smooth parchment as I forced out my hand, trying not to shake. "I'll call you tomorrow okay?"
He shook my hand with a smile before he left. Alone once again I gave a heavy breath of relief, I didn't think it could have been that hard. But I did do it, now to think of it as training...
-
later that day
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So soft, so tiny and pale. My eye twitched at the sight of it. I could feel my skin crawl as I swallowed the hard lump in my throat. I need battle music for this, at least it would seem appropriate if I did have some. Damn, how could Tohru just stand there with that blank smile on her face? Doesn't she know how important this is? Of course she doesn't, she's Tohru! She only understands certain things and the complexity of a phobia is beyond her... or at least I think it is. Oh god, her hand is still right in front of me.
I quickly thrust my hand out and shook hers.
"You're getting so much better at this Kyou-kun," she practically sang it. It was only the third time I've shook her hand in four hours. "And you didn't throw up this time."
I twisted around and promptly emptied what little bile and mucus I had in my digestive system into the kitchen sink. While I washed my mouth out with water I couldn't help but think, I just can't handle this.
"A-ah! At least it was delayed this time," she amended her statement from before as she patted my back. At least my phobia only kicks in when I /see/ the person's hand, I can be grateful for that.
"Kyou?" Haru's voice came from the doorway of the kitchen. Damn, I forgot he was coming over to stay for spring break. I heard the rustle of paper bags before the feel of his hand was on my hair, stroking down to my back, "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, just-" and up came more stomach acid. Guess I wasn't finished.
"He's hard at training!" Tohru most likely had that look of sparkling amazement that she usually gets.
"Training? What kind of training are you doing that causes you to throw up!" Uh-oh, he's getting mad.
"Phobia training!" Thank god Tohru was there, or I would actually have to answer. Right now I wanted to drink some water, or die in the sink, which ever I could get first.
"Phobia... training?"
"HAI! He's training to battle an evil phobia that threatens to stand in his way and his dreams!"
She makes it sound so grand and some sort of Power Ranger knock off. How does she do that?
"Tohru- could you get us a hand towel please?"
I stopped breathing, crap, Haru was pissed off. I heard Tohru shuffle away quickly, she obviously doesn't know that she just left me alone with Black Haru.
To Be Continued...
Next Chapter will be just as long so that I can make things up to you guys.