"You..." I took a deep breath. This wasn't going to be as easy as I thought. I thought that I could just out and say it and that would be that. I would just spill the words right out of my lips but the choked in my throat and the more I tried to say them the harder it was for me to face the reality that I was afraid. Afraid that I would be pushing him farther away, afraid of ruining what little amount of a family that I had. Yuki was a bastard yes, but he had his good sides, he really was like my brother, or... at least that's what it felt like. And when I told him, when I can finally get it out into the open Tohru would find out and her fragile world would be broken. And Haru... how was I supposed to tell Haru all of this, ruin his happiness by telling him that we have a limited time together. He's already had enough pain and if I... I don't want him trying to fill that emptiness with lies like he did with Rin. God, what if he still loved her? That was when I felt the shock sink in.
"Kyou?" Yuki's voice was soft in the coffee shop. We purposefully sat away from all the bustle and people in the far corner next to the window. He looked at me with concern, something he's been doing for a while now that I haven't been picking fights with him.
I swallowed hard. I couldn't think about Rin right now, I needed... to talk to Yuki, the subject of Rin could be addressed with Haru. With... My eyes stung. I could feel my lip tremble as I got up from my seat.
"Sorry, I need some air," I mumbled heading out of the shop.
"Hey! W-wait up!"
I barely heard him when I had left, I just needed to be alone and think. I turned the corner to the back alley when my hand was caught. I didn't look back, I knew that touch, it was Yuki.
"Damn it dumbass! I said wait up!"
"God you're annoying when you're resistant!" I shouted back, my defenses kicking in.
"You're the one who asked me to come out here! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"I'm telling you to leave me alone!"
"NO! You're the one who's hurting all the time! You're the one who needs help but you never accept it no matter how much anyone tries! Then you call me out here to just run off! Tell me what the hell is going on!!"
God, everything felt so heavy at that moment. Yuki's never been so direct before, but in his language the words that usually confuse me and send me into a reeling temper tantrum, I knew what he was saying. He meant he wanted to know how to help. We've been getting closer and closer since him and Tohru got together as a couple. I can't...
He still had a hold of my arm. With my free hand I covered my face while bowing my head, all this stress was causing a head ache.
"I... just don't care anymore."
Was it a lie? I don't know, I'm confused.
"What?" He breathed, his palm sliding over mine as I explained, fingers feathering my own in confused wounder.
"I never wanted to hate you. My mother was always a rival of your mother, she hated me because I was the cat and not the rat. I never... wanted to fight you. I... Yuki I'm tired, just tired of fighting, of being afraid all the time... I'm going to be locked away soon as school lets out for summer break and I don't know if I should laugh or cry about my freedom being stolen. God, I'm pathetic, laughing and crying... it's all the same I don't know how to do either so I mimic other people... And I tried to do what people wanted, I tried to get them to hate me so that when I get locked away no one would miss me. I also tired to learn martial arts so I could defeat you and earn my freedom, so I wouldn't be a prisoner. But... But I couldn't bring myself to hurt you. I never..."
A memory of my mother raising her hand. Screaming that I wasn't as good as the rat, her hand stricking against my young face while she held my hands so I couldn't struggle away. She screamed so much, and when my eyes were nearly swollen shut and my face was bleeding she would break down and cry asking why I let her do it to me. I would stroke her hair as she cried on the floor clinging onto my little body. The answer was always the same. I let her hit me, because it was my sin for being born the cat.
"I never wanted to raise my hand to anyone. I never wanted to hurt anyone."
"Kyou..." Yuki pulled me closer, my shoulders being wrapped with warmth I never knew. His mousey soft hair rested against my cheek as he hugged me from behind. Then he whispered things that started to sooth my anxiety back to my normal self. He said, "You've been hurting all this time... Hiding it away trying to play the dumb punk while you let your heart bleed out... protecting others all this time. You're... amazingly gentle... aren't you?"
He pulled away, but held my wrist to his chest, "Maybe we can do something-"
"It's okay."
"What?"
I took my hand away from him, "I said... it's okay. The family... needs this. So it's okay."
"It's not okay!"
We both looked up to find Tohru standing in the mouth of the alley. We would find out later that she saw us passing through the market on her way home and she followed to hang out with the both of us.
"Toh...ru..."
God damn it! I wanted to be able to break it to her gently not have her over hear it while I'm in a depression funky! Why did life always have to be so cruel? Damn it, and she's crying.
She came running up grabbing up the hand that I had just gotten back from the rat. "There has to be something we can do!" she shouted.
"Tohru... it's okay, really." I tried to reason.
"But that's so lonely."
Lonely? Was it really? I never... thought of it that way. I was so used to being ostracized that it never occurred to me if I was lonely or not.
"I don't understand what's going on, I mean I'm not a Sohma and know all the rules but that's not right. You can't be taken away from us, we're your family now; Shigure-san, Sohma-kun, Hatsuharu-san, Hoodoo-san, me. We're your family now, don't we get a say in any of this?"
Yuki placed a hand around his girlfriend's shoulders, giving a gentle squeeze, he placed his hand around hers that held tightly around my wrist. "Honda-san," he hushed her tiny sobs. "Maybe... we can talk with Shigure-san and Hatori-san."
"Y-yes!" she brightened up, "I'm sure we can come up with a plan Kyou-kun."
I looked away. I hated seeing false hope, "Y-yeah."
"Kyou..." Yuki managed to get his girlfriend to let go of my hand, "Why don't... we go back inside to eat breakfast?"
"You go ahead... I'll be in in a moment."
Yuki nodded and pulled Tohru with him. It felt a bit awkward not having Yuki snap at me, but... comforting in the same. And now it seemed that he was bent just as much as Tohru is on saving me. Don't they know? You can't save the damned. I gave a sigh and looked up at the sky. But... only mother truly called me that. So... maybe, it was time to step out of her lies and see if... hope can happen for someone like me. And maybe... when I tell Haru it won't be so bad. I can't always doubt. Rin can't... still be in his heart, or at least, I hope she isn't.
To Be Continued...