The Long Dark

XV:

Miasma

The Nome Nugget Inn, 7:10 a.m.

Jill fell asleep wishing she had the answers he was so desperately searching for and woke to find steam rolling from under her bathroom door. Amused, she curled on her side, propped her arm to put her face on her hand, and watched when he emerged. Admittedly, you'd have to be dead not to appreciate the view.

Steamy, slick and coated in dewy water, was the equivalent of every Harlequin Romance novel she'd ever read as a girl. The jeans hooked at his hips, and his bare feet just needed a damn cowboy hat or something to round out the image of "sexy drifter." Her mouth twitched as he toweled his hair dry and the muscles bunched in his arms from the movement.

It was almost interesting to know that all he had to do to win a fight with her was take his shirt off. Embarrassing but probably almost true. Knowing it was nearly a relief; she wasn't anything more than blood and hormones. A woman underneath the warrior after all.

And she knew she'd let him retreat from a conversation they needed to have here. She knew she'd keep this light to let him heal, and she accepted it. And she also knew she was doing that because she liked him enough to want to cheer him up.

Tone light, Jill queried gently, "Feeling better?"

Leon lowered the towel and pushed his wet hair behind his ears. Without it, you were constantly reminded how young he was. The five o'clock shadow that hid his face couldn't hide the truth that this man was barely climbing up the other side of twenty. He was too young to deal with end-of-the-world scenarios whenever he stepped out the door.

His smile was almost sheepish as he shrugged one of those impressive shoulders. "Might've overdone it a little."

Her answering lilt of lips was soft. "Hmm. Can't blame you. How are the voices this morning?"

"...gone." His eyes flicked over her face. "I think they can get in when I'm sleeping, maybe. Or, at the least, relaxed? Something. If I drop my guard, they start chattering. Maybe that's a clue on how to keep them out."

He shifted toward the white t-shirt he'd dropped over the back of her chair. When he lifted it, Jill teased, "Seems a shame." She imitated porn music and added, "Maybe you should take it off instead."

Leon paused with the shirt lifted and shook his head. To her continued enjoyment, a flush crept up his neck to his cheeks. Touched, Jill mused, "...wow. All that flirting and filthy talk, and here you are - embarrassed."

He shrugged as he pulled the shirt over his head and remarked, "What can I say? I'm used to being the guy doing the flirting."

That was inevitably true. Jill considered it as he sat at her desk and poked his feet into socks. "Wow, again. You are, aren't you? Not used to women hitting back?"

He lifted his eyes, and that wet hair took a tumble, making her smile and shake her head. "Hmm. I think you'd be very aware of what you do to women."

He laughed and looked disarmed. "I do ok. But honestly? I hardly ever come across. Which Kevin will tell you is part of my problem."

Jill slid forward to sit on the edge of the bed in a sports bra and yoga pants. "Kevin said you only hit when it doesn't matter. And that you never, ever hit on girls when it does."

Leon met her level look with his own. He snorted and shook his head. "Asshole...how can he be so perceptive and still be the same guy who lights his goddamn farts for money?"

Jill chuckled. "I ask myself the same questions about Chris sometimes."

Leon rose from the chair. "...I haven't been in a functioning, "normal," he did air quotes, "relationship in years, Jill. Pre-Raccoon. I don't even know if I understand the concept anymore."

Jill smiled sadly. "You think I do? I don't even know what one looked like before Raccoon. I'm not exactly rolling in relationships here, Leon."

They held eyes until he returned, "...right. Either way? Thank you for this. I keep dropping my shit on your doorstep. Eventually, you're gonna kick my narcissistic ass to the curb."

She tilted her head, "...curious."

"What can I say? Eventually, you get tired of rooting for the antihero, right?"

She blinked three times. "Is that what you are?"

He shrugged, "I used to be sure of what I was...I haven't been in a long time now."

Softly, she promised, "You'll figure it out."

He paused, considered, and figured this was as good a time as any to lay things on the line. Hell, she'd nursed him, he'd nursed her, and they'd survived, fought, and nearly died together. At what point did you just put your cards on the table?

Besides, Jill had always been aces at poker.

"I'm the reason the B.S.A.A. has no authority on U.S. shores."

She froze. She eyed him like he'd sprouted a second head. "...what?"

"Antihero, right?" He met her look equally and confessed, "...I saw Wesker's name and knew you were his proteges. I saw the connection between TALOS and the tyrant program and knew it was doubtful you'd survived Arklay on sheer luck...and I went before Congress and warned them...I told them they shouldn't trust people who'd served under Albert Wesker."

Jill's eyes flared as she breathed, "...you thought we were working with him."

Tone cool, Leon agreed, "I didn't know then that he was playing you...playing all of us. I couldn't, and I thought...I was doing the right thing."

"...who brought you the intel on Wesker?"

His eyes flickered, and she breathed, "...Kat. Right? It was Kat. Your goddamn Russian connection. She gave you Wesker's intel, and you played right into his fucking hands."

His face said he knew it. She knew it. They both knew it. The question was: what else did he know?

Jill whispered, "Did the U.S. take over TALOS?"

He said nothing.

The horror of how much he knew started to make the panic in her guts boil. "...did they avoid the call about the Terragrigia panic?"

He looked so cold she wanted to slap him. Careful, controlled, with a flicker of regret around his gorgeous eyes. "Did they know?"

Feeling like he'd dropped a bomb of blood and failure onto her head, Jill whispered, "Did they let all those people in Terragrigia die...and do nothing to stop it!?"

He said nothing. It wasn't a denial. It wasn't an acceptance. He looked like a man about to be executed or tortured - and refused to say what was necessary to save himself. Was he guilty? Was he the person behind every failure of the US government to come to their aid since Raccoon City?

Was he the guy on the other side of the fight stopping them from winning?

Or just another cog in the wheel trying to do what he thought was right?

She asked the one horrible question still burning inside her: "Did they ignore us every time we reached out for help?"

He said nothing. His nothing said everything. But she had to hear it from his mouth. She had to hear it to believe it.

She took two steps. Eyes wide, she demanded coldly, "Answer me, goddamn you! What do they know!? What do they want!?"

And he finally breathed, "...I don't know."

They held eyes until Jill finally whispered, "...that's what they wanted in Spain...they wanted you to bring Ashley back...infected."

He shook his head, "No, it wasn't like that."

Jill shook her head, eyes wide and desperate to stop the urge to shake him until he had the answers. Even though she knew he didn't. He didn't have them. "I don't believe you. Did you go there to bring her back infected...and I ruined it by putting her in that machine?"

Leon gave her a dark look. "You know that's not true. I was there to save her. That's it. There was no conspiracy on my end and no lies. I was there to bring her home."

Jill whispered, "Infected or not."

He shook his head. "I don't know. I don't know anything about that."

"Does the US want to use the plagas to improve the TALOS program?"

He said nothing.

Her eyes flared again. "Goddamnit, Leon, answer me...or I'll kick you until you talk."

"You won't." He was relatively sure of that. Mostly.

"Is the US working with Wesker on TALOS?"

His eyes flashed with blue fire. "You think I have answers to that? You think I have the clearance for it? I don't. I don't know a damn thing about TALOS or plagas programs or the fucking Terragrigia Panic."

When she just glared at him, he spat, "I don't know. Ok!? I don't know. I'm a middleman, Jill. A gun. A hired fucking killer. I don't know about anything they don't want me to know."

Jill shook her head, "You know. You knew. You fucking knew you'd screwed me and the B.S.A.A. You knew. And you never said a word."

"I couldn't..." When she just flashed rage at him, he tried again, "I can't tell you anything about that. I can't. That's what it means to do what I do, Jill. I have to keep the secrets they tell me to keep. I have to. I can only tell you this - I didn't know then what would happen. I couldn't be sure you weren't a traitor, and I was standing right where you are now - unable to trust anything but my gut."

Softly, he pressed, "What does your gut tell you, Jill? A minute ago, it told you to protect me at all costs. Does this erase that? Does it? I swear to god, I won't burn you again. For anything."

Her eyes flickered as she urged, "...no? What if they tell you to? That's your goddamn job, Leon. To lie. To promote the interests of the US government over everything else. What good is your word...in the face of that?"

Voice thick, he said, "...because I didn't know you then...I couldn't trust you...and I didn't care about you."

Jill demanded in a burst of anger, "Why!?"

And he just laid it all out there. After all, that's what he'd come here to do. "Because you brought me coffee and remembered it was my favorite. You listened to me. And you didn't just listen, Jill; you cared what I had to say. You heard me...and I can't remember the last time a woman did that for me. Or the last damn time I cared if she did. Hell," he lifted his hands out and to the sides, palm up, like a body shrug, "there's a list of people who I'd get revenge for if they died, no questions asked, no loss of sleep necessary...somewhere between saving my life and wanting me to live it to the best of my ability, your name made that list."

They stared at each other until she finished, "...I care about you...you matter...that's all I got."

And because he looked so earnest, serene, and wonderfully calm about it, he took the wind out of her sails with that confession. Because she believed him, "...you clever son of a bitch."

"You have to trust me, Jill. You have to. I'm not perfect...but I won't betray you."

"Yeah? What if they order you to?"

As a moment passed, the world seemed to revolve around the next thing he said. "...I'm a loose cannon...I don't always follow orders."

Her words echoed back at her as he added, "And I sure as hell don't follow the ones that get my friends killed."

"Are we friends?"

Keeping her stern gaze with his own, he answered, "Yeah, we are. We don't have to fucking hang out every week to be friends. I don't know when it happened, but there it is. Whether you want me or not, I'm your friend...and that's not something I'd ever betray."

He didn't flinch. He didn't look like he was begging her to believe him or desperate. He just looked stalwart. He looked utterly and completely sure of that. And she didn't have the heart to argue with him...because he was right.

They were friends in their own way and maybe something more than that. Maybe something she wasn't ready to examine. Not now. Not here.

Breathing hard, she commanded, "I need to be alone. I want you to go."

She turned her back on him and faced the wall behind the bed. She heard him shift on the carpet and demanded, "I mean it, Leon...get the hell outta here. Now. I need a minute."

He let the hurt kick him in the belly and absorbed it. This was usually what happened with women in his life. He gave them honesty, and they kicked him out. Determined to ensure it didn't happen here, he urged,"...I'm just a guy trying like hell to do the right thing here, Jill. I was then; I am now - if I could take it back, I wouldn't. I can't. At the time, it was what I thought was best. I told you because I don't want any secrets between us. You asked me for honesty, and this is it."

Her eyes closed as she gathered patience and strength. She took a sharp breath and another. The crazy part was - she believed him. He wasn't a liar. He was a man forced to lie. There was a difference. What power he had, was carefully monitored by those above him. He was rising through the ranks, but it came at a cost.

And that cost was anyone in his life that could trust him.

She'd seen how hard he fought when it mattered and what he'd risk for those who followed him - everything.

She couldn't even stand here and say she wouldn't have done the same in his shoes. Had the situation been reversed, would she have burned him thinking he was attached to Wesker?

The answer was easy - hell, yes, she would have, and she'd have burned him and never lost sleep over it. He was right. It seemed to make sense, given how tightly bound the S.T.A.R.S. had been to Wesker's agenda in Raccoon.

And what about now? Would she work with Wesker if it meant never again standing in the blood of another Raccoon City?

Could she say no and mean it?

Would she work with the devil to save the world from hell?

And could she really blame him if he was? He was a man who'd take a shock rod to the neck to protect what mattered. Maybe he'd take the same one to heart to protect those who couldn't protect themselves.

Maybe he was just that goddamn noble.

The hurt in his voice said that's exactly who he was - a guy trying to stand like a shield against the evils of men. He wasn't enough. He'd never be enough. Trying to protect the world would get him killed.

It was only a matter of time.

Voice trembling, Jill demanded, "...why do you work for them? Quit. Why are you following orders when you should be giving them?"

Softly, he avowed, "I can't..."

Jill shook her head and breathed, "You mean you won't."

"No," His voice was edged in regret, "I mean, can't. It's complicated."

Jill nodded, "It always is."

"I'm protecting what matters. You're gonna have to trust me on that."

She drew a breath and did just that. Just because he asked and just because she understood, there was no straight line between what was good, right, and necessary. So, she offered, "I do...goddamnit...don't make me regret it."

"I'm doing what I can to make a difference, Jill. I swear I am...I can't fix what happened...but I'm trying like hell to lay it on the line with you. Because whatever we're doing here, you and I, it's not something I want covered in lies."

With a sigh, Jill answered, "You did your job. Hell, I even agree with you. Why should anyone trust us? We served under a monster, and none of us ever knew. I would have burned myself too. Jesus...who are we kidding? I'm cloaked in the ugly truth of what it meant to be S.T.A.R.S. - pariahs and puppets. Fools who followed a madman. Who can blame you for blocking us? Maybe we deserved it...just for being fucking stupid."

"...you're not stupid."

Jill let out a sad laugh. She still couldn't quite turn to face him. Instead, she confessed, "...yes I am...I trusted a monster...and it cost me everything."

That was why she was panicking at the idea of laying that trust at his feet again. She feared the crush that came with knowing she'd placed it in the wrong man. He couldn't blame her. He understood the impulse to throw up shields and resist. He got it.

But he wasn't Wesker. He'd never trade those who mattered for power. He'd do everything he could to shield them from what hunted them. She had no reason to believe him, but she could. This? This she could believe. When it was him or his people, it was always him. He never chose himself over someone he cared for. And he never would.

What had Kat asked? What would it take to get you to cross that line, Leon? And there it was. That was his line: It was loyalty. For those loyal to him, he'd cross any line he had to protect them. That was just how he was built. You protected what needed protecting, and you died saving what mattered.

But there was no way to say that without sounding like a manipulation. And he didn't ever want her to think he was playing her. In the whole of his life, she was one of a handful of people he'd ever dropped his mask and shown his real face to. He wanted to preserve that, even if it meant letting her come around on her own to the truth of who he was.

When he said nothing, Jill added roughly, "Do yourself a favor and run. Between you being bound in chains and me being cloaked in failure, we're liable to be the worst duo in history. Blackmail Guy and the Blind Bimbo - a crime-fighting crap show of sad."

She covered her face and rubbed at her eyes. "Jesus, I can't get a grip on anything right now. I don't know what the hell I'm feeling. Maybe I should jump in the lake again - at least the hypothermia shut my mind off for a minute. I need a fucking dr-"

He spun her around and shook her. It worked. It snapped her from her misery and released her from the burden of too much horror and not enough answers.

When he drew back, she clutched his shirt and held on. She fisted the material in her hands and squeezed until it hurt. And her mind? It was quiet. It was just red blood and a pounding heart. It worked better than a drink, apparently.

Softly, Jill breathed, "...I talk too much."

And he grumbled, "...women usually do. Now listen to me."

Her eyes fluttered open to latch onto his face as he urged, "You don't have anything to feel guilty about."

She said nothing as Leon finished, "You followed your Captain. And when you found out what a piece of shit he was, you tried to stop him. No one believed you. And none of what happened is your fault."

Jill returned softly, "...if we'd known before...if we'd known...we might have stopped him."

Leon shook his head, "And if they'd known the same of Hitler, they'd have stopped a war. If I'd known what kind of shit I was getting into, I wouldn't have eaten gas station Sushi that one time."

Jill's mouth twitched as he finished, "Regret gets us nowhere. It changes nothing. I know that better than anyone."

She eyed him and demanded, "You let go of your own?"

"You kidding? I've made a drinking game from brooding over my regrets." He smiled a little and made her laugh. "But don't be like me, Jill. Don't. It gets you nowhere. Let it go. Cast it aside. And get on with what you can change. Here and now."

She nodded as she urged, "Sage advice, Mr. Kennedy. You should follow it."

"...I'm working on it."

Jill held his eyes, "Don't keep things from me again."

He shook his head and breathed, "I can't promise that. I want to; I do...but sometimes-"

Her heart trembled as she cut him off, "I know. I get it. I can't, either. Where does that leave us?"

He smiled sadly, "Somewhere more honest than most people ever get. I will try like hell to keep things on level with you. That's all I got."

Jill shook her head gently. "Same goes. It's done, and now we deal with it."

He bobbed his head, "One day at a time."

She echoed the sentiment, "One problem at a time."

It was the only way to survive in the world that neither could escape.

"But promise me one thing," Jill urged and had him tilting his head at her, "promise me you'll take that vacation we talked about. Do that for me. Because I asked...and because you want to."

It cost him nothing to answer and meant everything to feel the warmth of knowing she cared. "...I promise."

She sighed, "...we're a mess."

"Yup," He eyed her and crooked a smile, "Somebody should run screaming."

"You first, hotshot."

He chuckled softly.

"Thank you for telling me, Leon. I mean it."

"Sometimes I put my foot in my mouth, Jill, but mostly? I mean well."

She flicked her gaze around his face and answered, "...if this was an attempt to get into my pants, it was a bad one. Most guys send flowers...not confess to things they did years before they met you. You got any other skeletons in your closet you want to reveal?"

His mind said yes.

His mouth said, "no, " because he wasn't ready to bear his soul to her, not yet, "...you telling me you'd rather I'd have kept on lying just to bang you?"

She looked young somehow and sweet when she laughed. "Probably not."

Because she wanted to keep holding on, she let him go. He hesitated, shook his head, and moved to leave the room.

Leon waited as she joined him at the door. She leaned her cheek against the edge of the door while he turned after exiting the room and braced his arms on the frame, encircling her without trying. "...I'm glad you're here, Jill."

She winked at him. "You've said that before."

"Yeah," He leaned down and kissed her forehead, "...some things bear repeating."

As he leaned back, Jill teased, "My lips are down here, Grandpa."

The look he gave her made her blood sing as he answered, "I know where they are. Why do you think I kept mine up here?"

With a sigh, she returned, "...right. Everybody is doing the right thing."

"...mostly."

"I guess it's back to porn."

He chuckled as he backed off, "For both of us, gorgeous."

When he started to retreat, she fisted his t-shirt and queried, "...hey...why didn't you try to sleep with me the night we met?"

He tilted his head. She tilted hers. His mouth twitched, and hers answered it. Amused, Leon finally answered, "You ran away."

Ah.

Jill arched a brow, "...you didn't chase me."

What had Kat said? Girls like to be chased, and he didn't really like following the ladies. That much was true. Deciding to go with honesty, he returned, "Did you want me to?"

Her eyes flickered as he sighed, "...oh, yeah."

He laughed. The humor twinkled on them as Leon lamented, "...yeah...story of my life."

Still amused, she let go of his shirt. He hesitated, looked at her mouth, did that thing where he angled his head like he wanted to kiss her, and had her rolling her lower lip under her teeth as she waited. With a grunt of restraint, he finally complained, "...I need a vacation."

She laughed as he turned to go and commiserated, "...so take one. We can start right now."

"Yeah? Throw on a bikini; let's go take a swim."

Jill grinned and shrugged, "...you'd look cute swimming with penguins, I think."

He tilted his head, "Penguins mate for life."

Jill arched a brow, "So, they do. You looking to mate for life, Mr. Kennedy?"

"Nope, but I wouldn't say no to mating for a weekend."

"Yeah? Let's go right now. I'll drive."

That got her a chuckle that felt so...what? Sweet, somehow. "I'm not easy," He joked, throwing her own words back at her from the night they'd met, "...you want me...come and earn me."

Yeah, she thought with a flash of respect, he was a clever thing. She was betting he was hell on wheels at playing spy; he knew just what to say.

As he approached his room, Jill mused, "Maybe you should stay here today and look for Nikolai."

When he gave her a droll look, she added, "Seriously - I bet you could find him faster than us. Let me go to the caves with Rebecca. Reduce the chances of those things whispering in your head while she ensures her shit works."

He considered her, and she pressed, "Let me do this for you. And you put that bloodhound nose to the ground and find the bastard that I wasn't good enough to kill the first time around."

Holding her look, he said, "...this feels like trickery...but I'm going to agree with you because you cleverly flattered me to make your point."

Jill grinned at him. "Good...always a pleasure, Mr. Kennedy."

He snorted as he turned into his room. "I wish it were bigger, Ms. Valentine. Trust me."

"From what I felt, it was plenty big."

He grabbed his chest like she'd shot him and bumped his forehead against the door, making her laugh. "Keep flirting, sweetheart; you might get more than you bargained for."

When she winked and shut the door with a chuckle, he leaned there on his own momentarily and shook his head. She was something else. She knew how to drag him out of a funk and nurse him through a nightmare. What had he done before her?

He couldn't quite remember.

But he could pay her back by honoring her request and finding the bastard out there playing puppet to the parasites. It was the least he could do for her. It would be his great pleasure to bring him in and put him behind bars for the rest of his traitorous life. If Kat didn't beat him to the punch, of course, put him six feet under before getting there.

He looked at his face in the mirror above the desk. It reflected at him, handsome, tired, haunted. He wasn't sure when he began to understand what was inside him - maybe somewhere between nightmares and whiskey-laced acceptance, it all started to make sense. When all you had was a hammer, every problem was a nail, and there was only one way to deal with a nail.

But he wasn't a hammer. He left that to men like Redfield. He was a man. And a man-made choices. Even as his tired eyes looked back at him, he knew what his would be. It had to be. It had always been. He had to do whatever he could to save those who couldn't save themselves.

He just didn't know when he'd begun to accept that the cost would be himself.

Remote Alaskan Caves - 9:17 a.m.

Rebecca didn't seem the worse for wear. The joys of youth, she bounced back from her drinking with nary a hangover. She was tinkering with her machines and talking about how she'd nearly knocked on Kevin's door, "...but I figured he'd think that was pushy."

Jill snorted, "He'd probably have you sit on his face and thank you for it."

Rebecca chuckled, "You're right. But I don't like being that girl, ya know?"

Jill tilted her head. "What girl is that?"

"The one who forces her way into a guy's life when he doesn't ask."

Jill blew out a breath, "Is there a way they ask for that?"

Rebecca shrugged a shoulder. "Not usually. I think you gotta wait, ya know? Just wait for them to..." She trailed off, biting her lips as she flipped switches, and Jill finished, "let them chase you?"

Rebecca nodded, "Absolutely. Let them chase you." She rose and wiped her hands on her pants as she moved to another machine, "Men like to chase."

Jill chuckled, "And when they catch you?"

"They keep you," Rebecca grinned and shrugged a shoulder, "at least that's what we tell ourselves. Sometimes though, girls don't want to be caught."

When Jill arched a brow, Rebecca remarked, "That's what makes them trouble."

Jill leaned a hip on the table, watching Rebecca poke at machines. Some beeped, and others chimed happily. She made notes as she moved, and Jill queried, "Like Leon?"

Rebecca nodded as she crouched and watched one machine flash like a strobe light as she casually stated, "Sure. But who can blame him? Kevin told me why he's that way, and it's pretty sad."

Jill tilted her head again, "The thing with his family?" She was careful not to mention it in detail because she wasn't sure that was common knowledge, and she wouldn't break his confidence to talk about it.

Rebecca answered, "Yeah. Pretty shitty right? The girl dumps the kid on his doorstep a week before his report date to Raccoon and takes off. Kevin said that's why he was late for duty that night; he was trying to push his first day while he figured out what to do about it. Apparently, his mother surged in and made him go. Imagine if he'd pushed the date, he'd have missed out on that whole night."

Jill froze. She blinked twice, and her brain registered the words but went still as she heard them. After a moment, she just had to utter it aloud to make sure she'd heard it right, "...he has a kid."

Rebecca tossed a look at her and stated, "Yep. I guess she was barely three weeks old when the girlfriend just dumped her off and split. Leon's mother encouraged him to go ahead with duty, and apparently, she would bring the baby later when he was settled. And then, well, we know what happened."

Jill tried to wrap her head around what she was hearing. "...that's why he said yes, and that's why he let them blackmail him into serving."

Rebecca turned her eyes to Jill and smiled sadly, "That's my guess. He looked at Sherry Birkin and saw his daughter. So, he said yes. My guess? They offered to protect his mom and the kid if he did it. So, he does the job, and Sherry is safe...and so is his family."

When Jill said nothing, frozen where she leaned, trying to feel anything but shock, Rebecca added, "So, there's the trouble, Jill. Men with kids? Messy. And he's even messier because Kevin says he doesn't get involved because of it. When he's not working, rarely, he's with the kid. No time for a full-time woman, ya know?"

She thought of how he'd been so determined with Ashley Graham, and she got it. She understood it. He had something he was trying to protect. And he'd protected Ashley like he would have wanted someone to protect his own.

He had a six-year-old daughter.

He was fighting like hell for more than faceless strangers; he was fighting for one that had his own.