A/N: I have no idea where I'm going. Honestly. It's sort of writing itself right now, for better or worse. This is a little longer than the last couple of chapters, I hope you enjoy it. I'm not real strong on Cassadine/Spenser back story, so forgive me if it seems incorrect. And if you could correct me, I'd be thrilled. Here goes nothing.

Nikolas bows his head, resting it in his hands.

"It's true isn't it?" It's been at the back of my mind for a while. The reason Alexis won't talk about my father…but until I had said it aloud…now it seems so real.

"I don't know, you know I don't know." He answers quietly.

I wipe furiously at tears on my face. I'm hit by a sudden wave of nausea. "But?" I choke out.

"It's possible…it had occurred to me."

"You didn't say anything!"

"What could I say, Sam? I have no facts…and even if I did…" He stops. "Look only one person knows, and she's not ready to tell."

"Tell what?" Alexis asks brightly, her smile fading as she registers our faces. Nikolas looks at me. Silently we agree not to share our suspicions. "Sam, are you alright?"

"She's mad at me." Nikolas lies. Alexis has pulled me into an embrace and I'm holding on tightly. My reaction betrays Nikolas' cover, but I don't care. "I want to tell you she's taking…"

"Nikolas!" I yell…I don't mean too, I don't care if she knows about the GED anymore, but maybe I had to yell at someone. I startle us all. "Don't…please."

"Sam, baby, you don't look well."

I can't meet her eyes. "I'm, I'm going to lie down." I leave the room, sink against the closed door and listen.

"Okay," Alexis starts "What was that all about? Really?"

"She's stressed out I guess."

"Nikolas, that look wasn't because she doesn't want me to know she's taking the GED tomorrow."

"How did..."

"You two haven't been all that subtle about studying and her registration confirmation was in her printer the other night." Alexis pauses. "Don't look at me like that, I wasn't snooping, I was waiting for her and happened to notice. I understand she's reluctant to share it with me, I respect that. So…"

"So?"

"I'd like to know why she was crying. Is it about Jason?"

"Look, Aunt Alexis, I love you, but what Sam and I talk about is between Sam and me. She'll tell you when she's ready."

I sit on my bathroom floor hoping I will not vomit for a third time. I hate throwing up, always have. I feel as if I'm being ripped in two. I pull my knees to my chest and hug myself. I don't remember coming up the stairs, I just remember the need to stop hearing them discuss me.

How can it be true? How can't it be true? Alexis was completely isolated as a child, and sent to an all girls' boarding school as a teen. It's not like some boy in her class got her pregnant. Her dreams...was she reliving it every night? How can she look at me? How can I look at myself ever again?

Acid churns in my stomach, there's nothing left, but I vomit again.

I've locked the outer door of my suite. It's the first time I've done that since I can remember. Alexis and Nikolas always knock, and I don't mind Kristina's occasional invasion, but not now, not today. When had I started trusting them? When had I started to love them? Kristina had been easy and Molly and John, but when did I let my guard down with Nikolas and Alexis? I cannot let her see me like this. She can read me now. I can read her too, only not as easily. I haven't told her I love her yet, but I realize now that I do, with my whole heart, and I've known for a while.

My cell rings. I ignore it. I know she'll be worried if I don't pick up, but she'll be more worried if I do. I don't think I could form the word hello, let alone have a conversation.

I wake sore and disoriented in the bathroom. Nikolas is there. I enjoy a full second before I remember.

"Sam?"

"Nikolas…I thought I locked the door."

"It's my house…I have a key."

"Oh."

"Alexis is really worried…she knocked on the door for at least twenty minutes, I bet there are at least a dozen messages on your cell."

"How did you ditch her?" I ask. Nikolas helps me up before answering.

"Kristina's recital…it was at 6."

"I was going to go…"

"Its okay, Alexis told her you weren't feeling well. Not exactly a lie." Nikolas surveys the mess. "She's recording it, and told Kristina you'd like a private show tomorrow."

"I was jealous of Kristina. When I found out Alexis gave me up, I was jealous of my five year old sister. I love her Nikolas…how could I begrudge her a happy life with her mother? What kind of monster am I?"

"Sam, look at me…you aren't a monster."

"She was only 16…she must have been so scared and alone and I treated her like dirt."

"You're passed this Sam. Alexis is passed it."

"No, she's not…she's not. Those dreams…"

"She loves you."

"She can't…how could she?"

"Do you think I'm unlovable Sam?"

"What…"

"Am I a monster?"

"No, Nikolas."

"I'm the product of a rape…or as good as. My father…" He spits the word out. "forced my mother into a marriage she didn't want. It was far from a love match, yet it was consummated. If it wasn't rape, I don't know what you would call it. She was nothing but his prisoner."

"I didn't know…I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too, but I have no control over it. All I can do is try and live my life the best way I know how."

"Nikolas…I can't…"

"I've been there Sam…everything in your head, was in mine."

"What if I look like him? What if every time she looks at me, all she sees is her rapist?"

"She's sees you Sam. You were jealous of Kristina…I was jealous of Lucky…Lucky and I actively hated each other for years. And though I hid it well, I was jealous of Lulu too. It broke Laura's heart every day."

"Stop…stop…I know you are trying to help...but…"

"Okay…let's take a step back. We don't know anything for sure. Maybe Alexis was embarrassed about the relationship, maybe your father was teacher or the father of another student, and she doesn't want it to come out. We don't know that she was raped. Maybe she got drunk one night and just has no idea who your father is."

"I know it Nikolas. I've known it for a while now."

"We don't know anything, Sam."

"okay." I whisper.

"Tomorrow is a big day. I want you to promise me you will ace your test, you will watch Kristina's recital, and have fun. Tomorrow you are not to think about this."

"And the next day?"

"We'll tackle that when it comes."