i haven't updated in awhile hope you still love me. and dont worry lots to come.
Chapter 15- Apologize
I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new
Heat seeping in through the doors of the old piece of shit car was all that was keeping my body warm as I waited hours for Lucas to come and find me. But he never came. For what seemed like a lifetime I curled my legs in towards my body, praying that he would come out, apologize and kiss me the way he always did and then we could go back to hotel and make love. But as the hours passed, I had a feeling that wasn't going to happen.
After many inner arguments with myself that concluded with either a tear, or a shriek, I convinced that it was time for me to go back, and just forget it. Forget him, lieing to myself like I always did about this particular guy and the same situation.
The drive home was to be expected as I held back the tears, knowing that I would be for sure crying myself to sleep, like I had so many night before over the same guy.
Two days past, agonizing and arduous for my tore heart. Why hadn't he called? Why hadn't he tried to fix it? Though I was begging myself to just let it go, and move on. He didn't deserve me, or my time. Or even my heart, which he had from the start.
So I just let it go, getting on with my life, at least for another day.
It was three days after Friday night, one day before Peyton's graduation. I hadn't gone to work today, just couldn't do it. I couldn't leave my apartment, knowing that everything I did was usually a mistake, so I'd probably do that wrong.
As the days passed, I knew I had to talk to her but I still couldn't bring myself to go see her. I knew that was the coward way of doing it, but I had been a complete jerk for no apparent reason.
I lounging uncomfortably across my couch, feet hanging off the end, sweat pants on,chips in one hand, beer in the other, the whole deal. Some boring soap opera on my television, day time television was the worst. But it wasn't like I was even watching it.
I glimpsed in the mirror and I could really see myself going downhill, with everything I did.
I loud banging came at my door, startling me from my deep thoughts. I knew it was her. I took a deep breath, opening the door, preparing for the worst.
And there she was looking better than ever, in a cute mini shirt and a fitting blue shirt . Wasn't she supposed to be the wreck and I was supposed to be the normal one, but she was so much better at this stuff then I was, wearing the perfect outfit reminding me of what I could have had if I hadn't been a total jerkoff.
"Where the hell have you been?" She yelled shoving me into the house, her fury a surprise to me.
"What?" I said softly, my voice still weak since this had been the first time I had spoken a word in three days. I was leaning against the now closed door, trying to hide my sweat pants and chip stains. Terrified of her animal like presence.
She laughed sarcastically at me, when I didn't answer, pulling off her leather jacket, tossing it to the floor. Giving me a better view of the body I'd probably never be able to touch again.
I could tell she was about to do one of those, yell a million things at the top of your lungs fight, so I wasn't shocked when she raised her voice and began.
"Okay. One, you acted like a complete asshole, and embarrassed me in front of my classmates. Two, you felt me up on the dance floor, like a perv, I used to know. Three, you disrespected and yelled at me. And like an idiot I waited in the car for you to come back so we could go back to the hotel and make love." Her eyes were watery as she spoke, as her yelling turned into sulking goans.
I just starred at her, feeling the pain that I caused her, unsure of what I could do to make it all better.
"And then I waited, I waited for the last three days for you to come see me, because like an idiot I knew I would end up forgiving you. Because you can do whatever you want to me, and I'd still love you."
I had no idea what to say.
Here was the situation;
Me, up against the door, timid and shaking.
Her pacing back and forth, bothered and broken.
Neither of us ready to let go.
"I love you soo much. But I can't do this anymore." She was able to stop pacing as she whispered this to me, because she knew every word she spoke was breaking my heart.
"I can't be the girl that you fall back on, the girl that you just use and leave. I was that girl for Jake and you knew that. I thought you were different, you hated Jake. But you know what." She stopped, her eyes getting dark, forgetting her sympathy for me, and just hurting me the way she knew I deserved it
"You are just like him." She looked disgusted at me, pushing past me, grabbing her jacket.
Opening the door and leaving me.
The slam of the door was all that was needed for me to hear my heart to break totally in pieces.
A breath of cool air came over the room, as I stared bewilderedly up at the ceiling. My eyes slowly reverting to the television where there was a very common scene being played on the soap opera. The heroic man saving his damsel in distress, a kiss they had been waiting a lifetime for was finally a reality.
At that moment, through the cheesy soap opera episode I had a revelation. When I pictured running off into the sunset with my truth love. It was unsure where it was, when it was, but I knew for sure that the girl beside me was Peyton.
And I wasn't scared anymore.
I opened the door, getting ready to run and find her. I had to find her.
But as I stepped out of my apartment, I saw her leaning against the other side of the hall. She had been waiting for me.
She looked up at me, her eyes baring her broken heart.
"Peyton, I love you." I spoke truthfully, knowing that it wasn't enough. "You don't understand how sorry I am. I would give anything to take it back. And I know that this isn't enough. But I love you so much and I can't picture my life without you."
I stepped towards her, not wanting to get too close.
"You can't do this." She looked up, her eyes watery, knowing that she was falling for me, yet again.
"I fall for you every time and then you disappoint me." she snapped, not giving herself into the temptation.
"I know." I whispered, disappointed in myself.
"Then why do you keep doing this to me?" She sulked loudly, stepping towards me.
"Cause I'm a stupid son of a bitch. And you are meant for better." I almost laughed.
"I'm not." She placed her arms on my shoulders, her tears disappearing.
"Yes you are." I pushed her hands away, not wanting her sympathy.
"I'm not!" she almost screamed.
"Yes you are!" I snapped back at her, as a bodies were now getting closer.
She shoved me aggressively against the door, I waited for her to yell back at me. But instead she jumped on top of me, my arms instantly wrapping around her pulling her closer to me. My lips lurching for hers, sucking on her bottom lip, as she bit down on mine commanding me to touch her. My best judgement was telling me we were moving too fast, but that's what we did. We were never able to take things slow.
I moved my hand behind me, wiggling the handle, pushing the door wide open. Moving backwards into my apartment, her hands stroking threw my hair, her hips vibrating against my chest .I started pulling us towards the my bedroom knowing exactly what we were going to do, it always ended this way.
"No, stop." She whispered sexually in my ear, her hot breath causing me to slipe my right foot sideways almost tripping.
She smirked once I caught my balance as I stopped what I was doing and looked at her, giving her my full attention.
"I want you to take me here." she nibbled on my ear, her hand falling into my pants, touching me just the way I liked it.
I smirked at her words staying focussed on her face as her hands played with me, "On the table." she continued looking in the direction of the kitchen table.
"Are you serious?" I questioned my mouth widened, Kinky.
"Oh yeah baby." she bit her lip, I saw her hazel eyes look side to side, and I knew she was starting to rethink how fast we were moving back to normal. But it was quickly tossed to the side of her mind as she unwrapped her legs around me. I helped to down. She stood there, straight in front of me fixing her shirt and pulling down her skirt, a twinkle in her eyes.
I leaned in to kiss her but she leaned away.
"Wait" she placed her fingers over my lips, but I just kissed them instead, putting her finger between my lips
"I said wait." she stated with a dominating tone, pulling her finger away from me.
I listened, moving away from her. She was a girl with a mission, and if this mission involved sex on the kitchen table I was all for the bossy behaviour.
She pulled down her hair from her pony tail, it falling softly to her shoulders. She slid her hands deliberately down her body knowing my eyes followed. She unzipped her skirt, unbuttoning the buttons and dropping it softy to the floor. My eyes starring at her white thong. She smirked, as she pulled up her shirt over her head, revealing a white bra. My eyes widened at her body, that was begging me to touch it. She reached down and pulled down her thong as she unbuckled her bra. All her clothes lying on the floor beside her.
She stepped towards me, quirking an eyebrow.
"Oh, I get it. Now you want me to strip." I laughed, I knew her tricks oh so well.
"Not quite." Her words were raspy. She lifted her eyebrow, looking up and down my body. Her hands rubbing on the material through my shirt. My eyes closed unconsciously. She slowly pull up my shirt, throwing it to the floor. Her lips quickly on my nibble ring.
"You sure love that thing." I breathed trying to sound cool, but sounding jolty and powerless.
"Oh yeah." she mumbled as her teeth pulled the ring.
She moved away from my nipple, staring back up at me, her eyes so hazy and seductive. Her hands unzipping my pants, as she concentrated on my weakened face, being able to pull down my pants without looking.
My eyes slowly began to close as she simply removed my boxers.
"Look at me." she whispered, noticing I couldn't keep my eyes open. I dragged them open, my eyes concentrating on her.
Once my boxers were joined on the floor with the rest of our clothes, I was unable to resist the urge to take control.
I ran towards the kitchen table, pushing everything off of it. She giggled as she watched everything smash to the ground, including many papers from my office, which we quite important. But, what the hell.
I ran towards her, picking her up by her waist and wrapping her around my body. My tongue quickly down her throat, as she sucked on it, moaning quite loudly.
I dragged our bodies towards the wooden table. Laying her lightly onto the table, me falling on top of her. My hands caressing her breasts, making circular motions across her stomach, kissing all over her face, never able to get enough of her.
Her feet rubbing up my thighs, causing me to shiver momentarily.
"I want you inside of me." she whispered on my neck, leaving light kisses on my ear.
I instantly stopped what I was doing. Looking into her eyes searching her soul. I leaned forward pecking her lips lightly and eventually pulling away. Slowly hovering over top of her, ready to go.
She pulled me in with her dark gaze, her eyes closing as soon as I was inside of her. She instantly wrapped her legs around my waist, getting in what seemed to be our favourite position.
Her hands behind her head holding tightly on the table, her chin in my shoulder. My hands holding her hips, pushing harder inside of her, as my eyes yielded shut.
I went faster and faster as she kissed my shoulder, my hands leaving her hips and rubbing her stomach softly but the moment was soon ruined when I heard a loud cry come for Peyton. I immediately pulled myself out of her, and came to her attention.
"Peyton, what's wrong?" I asked concerned. I knew we had moved to fast.
"Nothing," she stuttered, "Just keep going." she wiped away a few tears.
"Not until to tell me what's wrong." I sat up on the table, knowing that this was probably serious.
She cried a little more before she began to talk, "It's just..." she stopped as her eyes surveyed my body.
I looked at her to continue, "It's just the baby." she whispered. "I can't take it back." She cried loudly and a guilt immediately came over me.
I went to talk but she interrupted me, "I can't do this.."
"Peyton, I'm sorry, and I know we never really talked about it. I'm sorry. I swear I will be here for you, I would have been there for you, to help you through the abortion. I'm sorry you had to do it alone." I rambled on, as I got up from the table and gathered our clothes.
"You would have made me have the abortion? " She cried, pushing my hands away when I tried to give her her clothes.
As I pulled on my boxers I stepped forward, "Peyton,"I tried to reason with her, "It was the right decision to make at the time."
"You said you wanted a family before?" She snapped instantly, her eyes got dark as she snatched her clothes out of my hands.
"You were sixteen!" I yelled clearly as I pulled my shirt over my head.
She didn't look at me, as she pulled on her clothes.
"What I'm not good enough to have your baby or something. Because the whole age thing didn't matter when we were getting it on." She glared at me immediately, a angry laugh escaped her lips.
"You know that's untrue Peyton, it did matter, but I couldn't help loving you. " I was attempting to calm her down, but it was failing.
She didn't respond, pulling on he clothes in such an angered matter.
"It's just we were so young. We didn't deserve." I was now facing her, my clothes back on.
"No, I didn't deserve." she screamed pulling up her skirt. "I was innocent and totally in love with you, but to you it was always about sex. Sometimes I wonder if the other stuff even matters to you."
The words falling from her lips were a sentiment from her I never expected.
"You enjoyed the pleasure of it, but there was just no responsibility from you, ever. You said you were going to take me to the doctors to get the day-after pill." as she snapped her words, it was obvious she had been holding in this anger all along, and I knew it wasn't all for me, she was anger with herself as well.
"You left me that morning, how was I suppose to help?" I knew I shouldn't have snapped back, but she was blaming all of this on me.
"You never called Lucas, not once in all those years. And I know Haley told you about the pregnancy, but I made her tell you it was just a scare. But you never came back. Never." tears were evident as she turned facing the wall, I didn't deserve to see her tears.
I didn't speak. I knew she was right, I had talked to Haley, she called one day, telling me that Peyton thought she was pregnant. Haley said she should wouldn't mention that she told me to Peyton. But I didn't go to see her. Haley later called and said it was all a scare. I never really thought much of it. Heck, it wasn't the first time I almost got a girl pregnant.
I was an asshole. I was just like every other guy. I hated those guys. And now I hurt the girl I loved.
"I love you." they were the only words that sounded right.
She glared at me one more time, chuckling harshly.
"You always seem to say this Lucas. But you never show it. I want you to prove to me that you love. Because all the words in the world will never make up from what you've done. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you will grow up and stop acting like a guy. And start acting like a man. Because frankly, those words don't bring me happiness anymore. Only pain" She moved towards me as she spoke, her eyes breaking me down. She gazed at me with disappointment one more time before stomping to the door.
"Peyton, please don't leave." I was able to whisper, standing all alone in the middle of my apartment.
"I love you Luke."Her voice was sharp and evil. She closed her lips together tightly,
"See, those words mean nothing, if I don't show it." She was able to whisper with no hesitation.
I didn't move as I watched her clutch onto the side of the door, I stood vulnerable, broken and cold as she slammed the door violently behind her.
And she was gone.
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...
It's too late to apologize.