A/N: Very short...more later this week. Thanks for the reviews.
I'm not sure what wakes me, but I stiffen. "Go back to sleep…" Alexis whispers, brushing my hair from my face.
I open my eyes. "Alexis?"
"Shh…I didn't want to wake you. I just needed to make sure you were okay."
She's studying me intently, contently, and I feel tears roll down my cheek. "Sam, what is it?"
I bite my lower lip. "What time is it?"
Alexis looks bewildered, but answers. "About 12:30."
"I can't…I promised."
She gently wipes my tears away. "I'm not sure that's a good promise, but it's late, close your eyes, and go back to sleep."
I obey, rolling over to my side and pulling my sheets closer. I feel her watching me. "Alexis, I love you." It's barely a whisper, but a small oh, escapes my mother. "I'm sorry I haven't said it before."
"I love you too, Sam." I want to ask her how she possibly could, but its tomorrow, so I can't.
Today I pretend.
At breakfast I pretend that Ric and Alexis aren't on the brink of a cold war. I pretend that I've never been resentful of my sweet little sister. I pretend Nikolas doesn't know I'm a freak.
Later I pretend I am confident and capable. I pretend that I'm prepared and I take my GED. I pretend to care when the give me the unofficial results…I passed.
In the afternoon I pretend to be part of a family. I laugh and clap at Kristina's performance. Pretend I don't notice her sadness. I wasn't the only one to miss it. There had been no Sonny, no Ric. I hold John close to Molly. Just looking at the other brings them joy. Molly laughs and reaches for her cousin. John smiles when the small hand strokes his chubby little leg.
In my room I'm numb. To pretend is to push it all away. To not let yourself feel reality. Alexis pretends. I know now how she gets through everyday. I don't have to pretend to understand it. Pretending is the only way.