"Shuichi.." he said to himself for the thousanth time. All he could see in his head was an image of Shuichi's small body lying on the floor in a pool of blood. He could still see the blood coming out of the slits on his wrists...like it would never stop, like it was a never ending flow.
Lost in his daydream Eiri didn't notice the doctor approach him until the doctor said, "Yuki Eiri-san."
Yuki looked up into the doctors face. Now that he was actually focusing, he saw the doctor had dark red hair and a very kind face. But, at the moment that kind face was etched with worry.
"How is he?" Yuki asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
"He lost a lot of blood but he had a successful transfusion. He is in stable condition, and woke up about an hour ago. I have been talking with him, and I am worried about what amount of stress he seems to be carrying."
"What do you mean stress?" Yuki asked, confusion eating away at his mind.
"When he woke up he looked disappointed. Then he started crying and saying strange things to himself like, 'why did I not just die? I can't tell Yuki'. It had me worried, so when I tried talking to him he said that he was the lowest and that he didn't know if he could face his past anymore, that he has lost all will to live."
Yuki's head dropped in sadness and confusion. He studied the white floor, fighting the tears back. Shuichi didn't have a will to live anymore? What did he do that was so bad to cause this much harm?
"Yuki-san?"
"Can I see him?"
Yuki looked up at the doctor's face with a pleading look. The doctor's eyebrows furrowed.
"Are you sure you want to see him? After what you had to see bringing him in here.."
"Yes, I am sure." Yuki butted in harshly. He hadn't meant to be so hard on the man, after all he did look worn out, and he had a huge job on his hands.
But, thankfully, the doctor understood and nodded to Yuki and asked him to follow. Yuki's feet drug the floor as they made their way to the elevator. His heart began to pound. He was anxious to see his pink-haired, pop-star lover. The elevator stopped on the fourth floor and the two men stepped out and started walking down the hallway. Yuki had to squint his eyes. The hospital was too white, too bright.
They stopped at the last room at the end of the hallway. The doctor stood in front of the door, his hand on the door knob, his eyes searching Yuki's face for any sign of wanting to turn back. Yuki took a deep, steadying breath, putting on his calm face, though his insides were raging. He nodded at the doctor who in return opened the door and allowed him to pass through.
Shuichi was sitting up in the hospital bed looking out the window with a blank expression on his face. He turned his face when he heard the door open, expecting to see the doctor come in to make his checks, but instead saw Yuki. His heart twisted into a knot and it was all he could do to keep from crying.
Yuki saw the sadness and guilt form on Shuichi's face. He felt as if his stomach dropped into his intestines, he felt sick.
"Y-yuki.." Shuichi choked out, fighting back his tears.
Yuki stared at him for a moment before walking to the bedside and sitting on the edge of the bed. His back was to Shuichi, his face downcast.
"Why?" Yuki said sadly. "Why did you do that?"
Shuichi's eyes dropped to his lap, no longer fighting back the tears. He started sobbing. Yuki turned his head and looked at his lover. His heart broke seeing his so sad. He took him carefully in his arms, his mouth close to Shuichi's ear.
"Why did you try and leave me, Shu?"
Shuichi clutched the front of Yuki's shirt which quickly got soaked. Yuki ignored it and held his lover tight in his arms. He slowly rubbed his back trying to calm him down.
"I'm so sorry, Yuki. I made a huge mistake." Shuichi whispered through his sobs.
Yuki stayed quiet, listening to his lover closely, hoping that he would tell him what he done that was so wrong. Yuki put his hand underneath his lover's chin and lifted his face to his. He stared into Shuichi's violet eyes with deeper emotion than Shuichi had ever seen, which brought even more tears to his eyes.
"Shuichi, whatever you have done, I don't care. Yes, I want to know, but if you aren't ready to let me know, then I will wait. Just don't you ever, ever, EVER think about killing yourself again. How could I live with myself if I don't have you with me?"
His lips met Shuichi's, whose heart was pounding feriociously. He had been wanting to hear words like that come from Yuki's mouth for a long time. But in the back of his mind he couldn't help but think 'Oh, Yuki, if you only knew what really happened. Would you really not care?'.
Shuichi returned Yuki's kiss, clutching Yuki's front, ignoring the pain in his wrists.
'I'm sorry, Yuki..But you can never know what happened...you can never know...'