Chapter 5 - Progression

Author's Note: In which Anakin and Ahsoka talk. :)

To Guest: Yeah, tbh, all the Jedi are pretty screwed up. Lol. They don't really have a healthy way of dealing with emotions. Maybe they used to, but somehow, the idea of letting go went from processing and accepting to suppressing and ignoring... which is very unhealthy.

To Techmaster45: Thanks! :D

~ Amina Gila

Ahsoka tracks Anakin to the training salles again the day after. She knew he'd be here, with how he always tries to work himself to the ground from the slightest failure. She's the same way, sometimes. She's heard that he's relearning a lot of things, and there's whispers going around the Temple already. Everyone knows something happened to him, though they don't know what, and she isn't spilling.

"Ahsoka," he says, pausing. He looks... happy to see her, warmer than he did yesterday, which she takes as a good sign.

"Hey, Skyguy." Does he mind that? She doesn't know. From the almost pained smile on his face, she doesn't think so.

"Why are you here?" he queries.

"You didn't forget anything important," she offers, in case that's what he's worried about.

Anakin looks almost relieved. "That is – good to hear," he replies. He's not looking directly at her again, which she doesn't get either.

"You look weird in those colors," Ahsoka says finally, at a lack of anything else to say, "I'm used to you wearing dark."

"I've worn black for twenty-three years," he replies, "I think it's time I wear a different color."

Ahsoka still doesn't know what to think about the fact that Anakin apparently was a Sith for many years in the future. It seems... impossible, but it clearly happened.

"I get that," she admits, "Though I still can't understand how that could have happened."

"The... future?" he guesses, and she nods. "It is a... long story," he replies finally. "I'm sorry I can't be the person you remember."

It cuts her, somehow – she didn't want to make him feel bad, but it was expected. Anakin always understands those things in ways that should be impossible – he knows... everything. He always knows what to say to her. And she thinks she needed to hear that. "It's okay," she shrugs, even if it's really not, but it's not fair to tell him that. "I still don't understand how you ended up back here."

"I don't either. The Force brought me here."

Ahsoka moves closer, and after a long moment of hesitation, Anakin reaches for her, taking her hand in his. "A lot... went down between us in the future," he admits at last, "You will never know it, but I... want you to know I am sorry for – everything."

She swallows back a sudden surge of emotions. "What happened?" Ahsoka inquires.

"I failed you," he says solemnly, "I... question if I am the master you need.

"I can't imagine having any other," she objects. And she can't – Anakin is important to her in a way she will never understand, but she can't imagine having any other.

"I know. I know." He looks away, but he shifts closer anyway, and she doesn't quite know what to think of his very odd behavior. It's not normal, even for him, though he does seem to have a hard time looking at her. "But what matters is what is best for you. I taught you to survive, and I would like to do so again – but I cannot imagine protecting someone again. It has never... ended well for either of us. In the future I lived, you... left the Order."

Ahsoka thinks the only thing that stops her vehemently objecting to such an outrageous possibility if he wasn't tracing his fingers over her hand and now, he's tickling her wrist because apparently, that's possible?

"I would never leave the Order," she replies sullenly instead, "I would never give up this way of life, and are you doing that intentionally?"

"Doing... what?" he asks, pulling away.

"Tickling my wrist!" She scrubs it with her other hand to try – and fail at getting rid of the annoying sensation crawling in her skin.

"I... was?" He looks almost amused, and she huffs.

"It would not have been a problem if you did not wear such ridiculous gloves," he offers.

"Hey!" Ahsoka yelps, "They're perfectly normal gloves!"

"They are not," he argues, "And they are red."

"What's wrong with red? You never had a problem with that before. And how do my clothes have anything to do with being a good Jedi?"

Anakin steps back, rubbing his forehead. "Nothing. Nothing – I am sorry, Ahsoka. My eyes were... damaged and I had to see through a red visor for years. There is nothing wrong with that color. I just..."

He looks almost embarrassed for mentioning it. Ahsoka doesn't understand what he's been through, and she doesn't know if she wants to, but she... can understand that. "That's okay," she replies with a shrug.

"The – other thing," Anakin adds quickly, turning to face her, "I do not think it would be fair to you. I will always expect to see her when I see you, and that is not who you are."

Ahsoka wishes this was easy, but she doubts it ever will be again. "We can figure it out," she says sullenly.

"I hope so," he agrees.

That's all there is, isn't there?

So, Ahsoka has no idea why she's so surprised when Master Kenobi finally arrives. He seems uncertain about something, which she doesn't like.

"The Council has reached a decision," Obi-Wan says, and Ahsoka tries to ignore the strange amount of nervousness curling inside her. She doesn't know what this could be about. "Temporarily, Master Plo Koon will continue Ahsoka's training."

"What?" she squeaks, looking to her master. "Did you ask this?"

He shakes his head. "I had no knowledge of it either, Ahsoka."

"Why?" she demands. It's not that she minds the thought of being trained by Master Plo, it's just that she doesn't want to be away from Anakin.

"Anakin needs to find balance in the meantime," Obi-Wan replies, "And he has... a lot to relearn himself. He will not have time."

Ahsoka finds herself surprised by how disappointed she is. Even so, she knows he's having a lot of problems, most of which she can't understand the cause of. "What happened to him?" she asks.

"No one really knows."

"I don't want to talk about it," Anakin answers quietly, "Perhaps, eventually, but not now."

She wants to push for answers, and from the look on Obi-Wan's face, he does, too. That's probably not very sensitive, though. "Very well," he agrees at last.

"May I have a moment with my padawan?" Anakin requests. He's doing the pointy thing again, and Ahsoka rolls her eyes at him. He is so dramatic sometimes.

"I'll wait," Obi-Wan says, and Anakin turns back to her.

"Are you... alright with it?" he inquires.

"I have to be, right?" she asks.

Anakin nods. "Yes," he agrees, "We do. But you know if you want to talk to me, you can. And – as I was saying before, I do not think anything else would be fair to either of us. I'll always expect to see her, and you'll always expect... him, and until we get used to it..."

She understands what he's saying but for some reason, she thought it would be easier if they were together. "You were in the middle of telling me what happened between us," she points out.

"To cut it short, we found one another many years after, and we... fought." His expression looks almost tortured now. "I was going to kill you."

Ahsoka takes an involuntary step back. She doesn't know how it could ever have fallen that far, especially not after they'd known each other for years. It's... how in the galaxy are you supposed to react to knowing that your master tried to kill you? Though now, at least, his apology makes a horrific amount of sense.

"I don't know what happened," he continues, "You just disappeared. Had I been successful, I doubt I would be – here as I am now."

Her mind is reeling, and Anakin starts walking off, but she calls after him, maybe just desperate to not let him go quite so fast. "How old are you now? I mean, you were twenty but with this time-travel thing –"

"I don't know," he confesses, "I lived to forty-six, but I... do not notice a significant difference between how my mind worked then and now. It... stopped changing, I think, after I was injured."

She feels sick. Whatever happened to him, it must have completely destroyed him, and Ahsoka can't imagine anything capable of that. She doesn't want to. Anakin has always been light and strong and everything the Jedi were ever meant to be. She can't imagine... anything else.

But... maybe she'll consider getting a different color of clothes, just in case.

**w**

Having a mission again is relieving. It finally gives him something to focus on, something he knows he can do, unlike training Ahsoka. They remove an inhibitor chip from one of the clones, so he can break through the programming to show the Council all the orders on it, not that there's much of it they need to beyond finding a way to get rid of them.

Removing them from all the clones is obviously impractical. It would cost far too much, the Council says, and besides, it would be impossible to keep anything discreet if they were doing that. The only option is to find a frequency that will dissolve the chips, without damaging the clones' brain tissue in the process.

It's been a long time since he got to experiment with things like his when he needed to, though, and it's... refreshing.

In between times, he also gets to work on researching spy devices. They need a way to collect tangible evidence against Palpatine, and Anakin knows much about future technology. He can build one that will be undetectable with current technology and they can plant it near Palpatine's place in the Works, a place he knows far too well now.

Building the said device is far easier than finding the right frequency to deal with the clones' chips. He's dealing with their lives, after all.

And the first time they try it on a clone, it works, but kills him in the process.

"His loss was unfortunate," Windu says, "But you must try again. Some may die, but it's for the greater good."

As if that was supposed to help calm him when all he could do was sit there, spiraling deeper into a pit of panic and depression. He promised he was never going to kill anyone ever again – but he did.

He's a monster – a monster, that's all, and he can't get rid of it, no matter how badly he wants to rip out whatever it is that makes him so...

But he still has blood on his hands again, and he doesn't understand why that clone was "destined to die" because Vader screwed something up again even though he's supposed to be gone, too. Inevitably, he always fails when it comes to people. How does he know he won't do the same for everyone again?

He does have to try again, though. The Force is humming with a strange sense of urgency now, whenever he thinks about the actions they're taking against Sidious, and he knows he needs to finish this as quickly as he can. Before the Sith catches wind of something.

That doesn't make it easy. He doesn't want to risk killing anyone else, but they have no way to try it except on a living subject.

In the midst of his work, it's easy to forget that he needs to eat and sleep now, but really, needs like that are not as important as the mission.

Every time he eats, it's still so much stimulation that it usually makes him start feeling sick, and... he knows a healer could help with that, even if he has no desire or time to go near one. And –

It doesn't hit him until right that his health and body are in his own control now.

Sidious controlled all of that for decades, and he doesn't even know what that's like anymore. If he was injured on a mission, Sidious would order the repairs, and occasionally add... enhancements, which tended to involve being strapped down conscious and operated on. He rarely noticed an improvement, so he sometimes questioned if it were more a punishment than an actual "improvement" despite what his master said.

He remembers too well, that constant feeling of what have you done to me, this is not my body. He never knew what he looked like as Vader – he never wanted to. He saw himself in reflections sometimes, standing in front of the viewports and staring into space, but he always turned away, not wanting to see or know, but it must have been horrible, seeing how everyone in his line of sight always stood back in fear. Even Sidious feared him. Even – even Obi-Wan feared him.

But now... his body is his again, and he hardly knows how to feel about that. It hasn't been since Sidious (and Obi-Wan) took him apart half a time lifetime ago. It's freeing in a way he never thought he'd feel again. Whatever happens to him, it's in his own control.

Unless this is destined to happen in every universe. A surge of panic hits him instantly. He can't believe the Force would have it happen again, but still. If it is the only way to stop him from destroying everything like... before... Well, there's a reason he asked Obi-Wan to finish it if he becomes a danger again.

He reaches for the Force again, feeling it flow through and around him comfortingly. It feels like he can sense it far deeper than he ever did in his life, and it's... it's overwhelming but it helps somehow. The Force never let him down, even if everything and everyone else did. If there's no one else he can listen to, he can follow the Force. And perhaps it will... help him to finish the mission with the chips without killing anyone else. He can't make that mistake again. He won't let someone else die senselessly because of him.

Anakin is pacing through the halls of the Temple – it's relieving that it's become a little easier to breathe and walk without constantly focusing on it now – when he senses someone approaching.

"Master?" a childish voice asks, and he could swear he's heard that voice before, a lifetime ago, even if he can't place where.

He turns to see a young Zabrak girl, with a short black braid.

Wait –

"Mill?" he asks, disbelievingly. He could never forget her, even if they only knew each for a few days. The details of her face had long-since faded from mind, but he still remembered her.

All his life he'd spent trying to be better, to be strong enough, to protect everyone. And then – then this child had looked him in the eye, with more seriousness than she should have at her age, more sureness and certainty than he'd have thought possible and said, "you don't have to be."

In truth, he doesn't understand, but it was Mill who first gave him hope that he can be – be someone that someone would care about for a reason other than his abilities. It's never happened though, at least not until Luke. And that makes it hard now, because it's his abilities that make him dangerous.

Fleetingly, he wonders what happened to Mill in the future. Did she die at during Operation Knightfall? He never saw her at the Temple – he was so out of it then he doesn't really remember any of that night anymore, but he thinks he would at least remember if he'd seen her. She had... affected him in a way no one had since... probably his mother.

"I sensed you close," Mill says, looking up at him, "I've been hearing rumors all over the Temple about you."

Unsurprising. "What rumors?" he asks.

She frowns slightly. "No one knows what happened, but everyone knows something's wrong."

That could be dangerous, he knows. Sidious probably already senses something – Anakin has sensed him prodding at the bond they share, and Anakin knows it could easily get very, very dangerous if Sidious discovers what happened. "What do they know?"

"Everything gets out of proportion among the Initiates," she replies with a small smile. "Most think it's from your last mission, but I don't know what could have hurt you that badly."

Obi-Wan, he thinks immediately, but doesn't say anything.

"Someone suggested time-travel, but that doesn't seem possible either... does it?" she asks, looking at him quizzically.

He knows how to lie, but he feels bare without his armor. It's too open, too visible, and she'll know the truth anyway, but he doesn't want to let it out. Lightly, he probes the Force asking, waiting. He doesn't sense danger at the thought of telling her. "It's complicated," he confesses, "But the rumors are... not as far-fetched as they sound."

"What happened?" Mill asks.

"The Force did bring me back from the future," he explains.

Her eyes widen. "You did time-travel? How's that possible?"

"Truthfully, I do not know," he replies, "But the future I lived was... dark." Dark, he thinks, is an understatement, but he doesn't know how else to explain it to a child.

He doesn't know how to talk to children anymore, period. He rarely has in years and... they always make him think about... what he doesn't want to.

He doesn't hate himself anymore, but he can't say he's entirely forgiven himself, or maybe he has, but hasn't let go of everything or – it doesn't matter, but he still struggles constantly with everything he did and with everything that happened to him.

Mill's eyes are wide, but she nods – she believes him without asking twice. He shouldn't be so surprised. She's a child. "You feel different," she tells him, "Lighter, but... depressed? Were you a Jedi Master?"

Anakin nearly flinches. He probably would've if he hadn't become so used to pointedly not doing so when he was hooked up to so many machines because it really hurt. It's a reasonable assumption, and that's why it hurts so much. "No. No – I was not."

She's watching him, eyes full of concern, but he can tell she's sensing every flux of his emotions as they come and go. "What happened?" she asks, "Do you... want to tell me?"

"I have not discussed it with anyone," he admits, "It is... not easy." He wishes it didn't feel like a failure to admit that much – she knows that.

"Okay," she says, nodding, "I understand. Are you alright?"

He could lie, but what would it do? "Not... entirely." Not at all, actually, and he probably never will be. It's just... everything hurts, and he's in the wrong time. He thought he'd finally find solace in the Force. He thought he wouldn't have to feel the pain of life any longer. It hurts to be back here again.

"Are you sure you shouldn't talk to someone?" she queries. "If it's upsetting you so much?"

It's such an innocent question – she has no idea the full extent of everything that happened and hopefully never will. "I do not know who I could speak with."

"Not even Master Kenobi?"

Obi-Wan is the last person he can talk to about this. "We... did not have a very good... relationship in the future?" he offers uncertainly.

She frowns. "Can you fix it?"

Can he? "I don't know. I want to, but I am... afraid to." It's oddly freeing to admit. "He does not remember what upsets me, and I don't remember what I was for him at this time. I... don't know if he wants to either."

Mill doesn't say anything like he thought she would. Instead, she steps forwards and squeezes his hand. He inhales sharply at the proximity and contact – he hasn't felt this in so, so long, and he craves it every time he touches someone, even if it's brief, but... he doesn't want to ask for it, and he's scared to.

Affection of any sort is foreign to him now, and he fears rejection. After all, who hasn't rejected him, except Luke?

She's offering it freely, though, even if she doesn't even know him. He squeezes her small hand back lightly, reveling in the sensation of physical contact with another person. "Thank you," he says, because what more can he say? He feels... freer now, in the same way he did after... he embraced the Light again, and seeing Mill again reminds him of the fact that he could probably still feel Qui-Gon if he tried. Maybe he should, sometime. At least he knows one person he can go to, if guilt isn't smothering him too much, and if he needs help.

**w**

He thinks it was seeing Mill again, the reminder that he can do things for himself sometimes, when there's actually time,that makes him seriously think about going to see Kix. He wants to be able to eat normally again, if only from how much he's missed it.

He doesn't know if the problem will just stop on its own. And he won't bother the Temple healers with his problems, not after what happened to them in the future because of him.

It's time he goes to see his boys again, anyway. It's been so long. And... he owes them an explanation.

He didn't know of the chips in the future, but that doesn't change that he still led them to their deaths when they didn't have a say in it. Then again, they never have. They are slaves, even if no one

The only chance they have for freedom is if the war is over, if Sidious is gone. If nothing else, at least he can try to make it up by dealing with Sidious and freeing them from the chips.

"It's good to see you, sir," Rex greets.

"You too, Rex," Anakin nods. He has no idea just how much.

And... throwing a quick glance around, he realizes he doesn't even recognize most of the other clones here. It's been so long that he doesn't remember their names anymore, and that's... he needs to correct that immediately.

"How have you been, sir?" Rex asks.

How long has it been since someone asked him that? Anakin can feel his genuine concern, and the sensation is... breathtaking. "I'm getting better," he answers, "I came here to talk to Kix, actually."

"I never thought I would see the time you willingly went to a medic," Rex replies, amusement audible.

"I would not have," Anakin admits, smiling faintly for a moment. In a way, it's freeing that he's doing this of his own free will. "But I was... having difficulties in some areas, that is all."

Rex looks slightly concerned at that.

"It is not serious," Anakin assures. "It's only a minor setback."

"If you say so, sir. I heard you're staying on Coruscant for some time?"

"I have... matters to attend to here," he replies, "But it may not be much longer." Being back on the fronts will be... he doesn't want to keep fighting, being the weapon that's all he's ever been, but it's all he knows how to do, and he doesn't know how to be anything else, even if he wants to be.

"The boys are looking forwards to you coming back, sir," Rex says, "But if you have a meeting with Kix, I shouldn't keep you."

He wants to be with Rex more, after all that they've been apart, but he hasn't casually interacted with anyone in so long. Besides, what's been years for him was only a couple weeks for Rex.

Anakin's meeting with Kix is fast enough, although he has to explain the whole time-travel thing again. Kix doesn't pry with many questions, though, except for what he needs to know to give Anakin advice on how to handle this.

He tells him to start with eating a fruit-only diet with only small quantities of food, since that will be easiest for his body to handle. Kix suspects that the time-travel physically changed his brain somewhat, so he's... being affected more physically than he might be otherwise.

Eating a diet only like that is much like what he had on Tatooine, though. He certainly doesn't mind it. At least he can eat again.

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