A/N: Hellloooooo! Tomo should be studying!

A'ight, I have a MAJOR exam in 3 weeks (eek!) So this is really really honestly truly the last you'll hear from me for awhile. Just a small chapterette, to keep things moving. Sadly, if I fail this exam I won't have time to update. Like, at all. Regrettably, if I fail, I have to stop homeschooling (NOO) and I won't have time for fanfiction, dolling, -and- High School. My life is SUCH a bitch.

Reviewers rock. Non-reviewers don't get any public loves. So neugh.

Annie-morphs: Wow! Two long reviews! Eeee! And if you thought that was a cliffy, just wait for the end of this chapter! I wouldn't protest to nuclear threats because right now, I feel evil. So very very evil.

xX-Fiona-Xx: "And I better be in this chapter!" I know you meant a review response, but... I couldn't resist. Sorry for not asking for permish first. I feel so evil.

RiverWren: Direct smut? LOL... I may have a dirty mind, but "direct smut" is something that just seems stupid if it's not from experience, and I sadly have no experience. Aww.

Also, big smelly hugs to ckontowderdon32, AgiVega, devoted99, xSimplyxMagicalx, tigster5, and the eternally cool hollybridgetpeppermint!

And special thanks to xX-Fiona-Xx, because I temporarily stole her.

When Artemis Lost His Brain - A Chapter That I Wrote To Fill In Time.

Fiona awoke where she was bound, blindfolded, and gagged in a room, her hands tied to those of two other people. She tried to remember where she was - had she been chloroformed? What the hell had happened while she had been unconscious? Anything could have happened! Worried, she began twisting her hands desperately to try and get away. All it resulted in was surprised noises from the owners of the other hands. Confused, she stopped moving. There was a muffled noise from her left that sounded like someone saying, "Artemis!" This was replied with a clear, "Holly?" From her other side - clearly this person wasn't gagged, or if he ('Yes' Fiona thought. 'Definitely a he.') had been, he had managed to remove it.

"Mmmmph!" Fiona protested, making her presence known to the other two.

"Who are you?" Artemis asked, sounding shocked by her being there.

"Fmomuh." She managed to mumble. She could almost feel him eyeing her.

"What are you doing here? You don't have anything to do with this!"

Fiona tried to say "If I did, would I be tied up like this?" but it came out as "Iph I bib, boo bi be hied uck yike ish?"

"Oh for Haven's sakes." Artemis sighed, manipulating the threesome of hands so that Fiona could remove her gag and blindfold.

"Yuck!" She exclaimed, casting her eyed around. They were in a dank dungeon, all tied together in an impossible tangle. The boy, who she assumed was Artemis, was eyeing her in a quizzical yet elegant way. The other person, Holly, was still blindfolded and gagged, and looked none too happy about this.

"Umoo me!" She demanded, and Artemis carefully moved the hands to remove her blindfold. When he came to her gag though he froze.

"I can't get the gag off." He apologised. "It's made of metal."

"'uckin grae." She sighed, glaring at him. "Ceebes dey don't wamp de pohehe phuhiled."

Artemis nodded. "Which makes fulfilling it our priority."

"Hoo see?"

"I'm Fiona!" Fiona piped up, smiling automatically. "Who are you?"

"Time for that later." Artemis pressed on. "We need a plan."

"Wyy ah oo eah?"

"I was kidnapped!" Fiona replied.

Artemis was frowning. "We need to figure a way out of this, pleasantries can wait."

"But what can we do? We're tied together!"

"There's always something. Can you see anything we could use to cut these ropes?"

"I ahe a mife om mi eckace." Holly piped up.

Artemis sighed. "I'll get it."

Fiona could see that Holly was blushing. Her memories having returned to her, her AH shipper's heart almost made her squeal. Artemis' hand near Holly's boobies... awesome. Maybe if she just nudged him a little...

Fiona's plan was a sucess... of sorts. Artemis reached for the just-visible knife, fingers an inch from grabbing it, when Fiona nudged his hand slightly, causing it to slip onto Holly's bare breast. (Under her shirt, fyi) There was a moment where they both just blushed, then Holly took control of the bundle of hands, and slapped Artemis.

"You can perve on me another time Artemis, we have bigger things to do!"

Artemis nodded, not even protesting, and grabbed the small pocket knife. However, when he flipped out the blade...

There was nothing there. In it's place was a blunt block of metal with the words 'Yeah Right.' engraved on it. He sighed. "No good."

"Vohe bahahs! Vey hook mi ife!"

"I didn't think anyone clever enough to kidnap us would forget something like that."

"So what do we dooo?" Fiona wailed.

"I don't know! Be quiet, let me think!"

000

Half an hour later, Many more words had been exchanged, and now the three were all tussling on the floor. Holly and Fiona were both fighting viciously, with Artemis putting up weak complaints.

"Well well, seems I can't leave you three alone together for even half an hour." Said a sinister voice. None of them had even noticed the door open, flooding the dark room with light, and a pixie enter.

She had dark hair and a sharp pointed face, with clicking black high heels, a sensible updo, square glasses and, oddly enough, was wearing a dirty LEP jumpsuit, totally at odds with the rest of her clean, crisp exterior.

"Well well well. The Artemis Fowl. The Holly Short. And... Who is that? I specifically said to kill any witnesses!"

"Sorry madame, but we had other problems. The troll was getting dangerously close to settlements. I know you don't want us exposed just yet." Another voice, somewhere beyond the door. The woman with the LEP suit and glasses nodded, clicking her fingers. A male sprite in a mask flew in, passing her a tray holding five glasses of wine.

"I believe a toast to all our hard work is in order." She clacked across the floor to her prisoners and set the tray on the floor, kneeling down next to them. She smiled an evil smile. "I will allow you three to share a drink with my partner and I, to celebrate our stopping of the prophecy." She pulled out a pen knife and cut a few ropes around their hands, allowing each person use of their own two limbs. "You may each choose your own glasses, to prove to you that it is not my intention to poison or drug you." She smiled, somehow seeming to lock eyes with each of the unlikely trio at once.

Holly shrugged, taking a glass. "I ankh ink wih dih om." She said innocently, gesturing to the gag.

The mysterious pixie laughed. "Oh, I'm not that stupid. There is a small hole for air. You'll manage." She smiled to the other two. "Come on now, take a glass of wine. I won't tell your parents..."

Artemis glared at her, taking a glass carefully. Fiona grabbed one as well. The pixie, smiling gracefully, stood back up with the tray, looking back towards the door. "Come on in now hun, it's time for these three to meet the brains behind this operation.

There was an all too familiar clicking of hooves, a terrifyingly memorable whinny of a laugh, and Artemis' face filled with terror.

"Foaly..." He breathed.

A/N: AAAAAAAAAH! WTF DOODS! FOALY IS LIKE EVIL! OMG NO WAI! WAAAH!

I am so evil. Giving y'all a cliffie like that, then going away for an unknowable amount of time. and OMGGGGG I LYKE WONT UPD8 IF I DNT GET LYKE, 1000000000 REVIEWZ! OMG!

Well not really. But please review, it makes me want desperately to find the time to update, even if it means I don't get a shower that day. Tell me what you think of my attempt to insert someone I know into a fanfic. Without :cough: asking her permission :cough: