Addiction
Chapter 11
By Catrina
A/N: More angst beware… The next chapter is the epilogue. Hope that you all enjoy this one. Thanks all of you who reviewed, I was honored to hear what many of you had to say. I hope that you enjoy this chapter. As always, I am my one beta so the mistakes are all mine. Everything else belongs to them…who are not me…
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"Kyo what are you doing here?" Kazuma's eyes while hidden by his long hair widened slightly at his visitor.
"I…I…" Kyo stuttered looking up from under his fringe to gaze at his master. He watched his gaze narrow.
"What are you running from now, Kyo?" He asked the question sharply and resented that when he saw his precious student wince.
"Not running, healing…I need a place to stay…away." Sure enough, that broken heart was in his eyes. It was there plain as day now that he was looking. He felt his own heart shatter in response. He wished he could reach out, comfort the boy, but knew that would be rejected. Kyo was already in a place in his mind that no one could touch.
"Is it Tohru?" He asked a little bitter; he had placed so much in the girl. He had hoped that Kyo wouldn't be alone. But it seemed now that nothing had worked out as he had hoped.
"And Yuki…" Kazuma nodded his head realizing that Kyo didn't really need to hash this out tonight.
"My home will always be open to you Kyo, you know that." Kyo looked up gratefully and walked into the house of his master slipping the shoes off of his feet and walking in slowly taking in the small house. It was comfortable, not overly large, a lot like Shigure's house.
Home.
That had been his home. For a brief while Yuki had been his home. But then…But then, just like everything else, it all came crashing down. Graduation was mere days away. He had told Yuki the truth; he had realized there was no hope, so he moved on. Tohru had no doubt loved Yuki and how could he really compete with her? Tohru was so perfect. School was over; all that was left was the graduation ceremony, it would be held on Saturday, but he didn't know where to go, wasn't sure where to run to. Where could he go that Akito could never reach? So until Saturday he would be here, then his life was over.
"I know why you did it." He said finally looking over, "You know that. That I understood why you did what you did. And I'm glad. I opened my heart, just like you wanted." Kazuma hurt watching Kyo struggle, he was shaking, shivering, "And I was happy, but I told…what would happen, after graduation…and…and it's over." He was fumbling and Kazuma flashed back to the day of Kyo's mother's funeral…"It's not my fault. It's not my fault." And he knew that was what Kyo was thinking, that this was all his fault because he was the cat.
"It's not your fault." He finally gave up and grabbed the boy in his embrace. And held him as he shattered.
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He was gone… Kyo had disappeared. Just like that. He had sensed him the minute he had walked in the room. He knew, he had to do something now. How was he supposed to know, how was he to know that Tohru would do that…
She had kissed him.
And Kyo had seen.
And Kyo being the idiot he was, he knew the fool had jumped to conclusions. The stupid cat wouldn't confront him. He had the tendency to run when he felt abandoned and hurt…and this was most likely one of those times, just like last time. No doubt actually... he would run, but where would he go?
He could already tell that the house was empty. The vital energy that was his lover was gone. He could always tell when he was near, so why hadn't he stopped Miss Honda. How had he not thought ahead to see the repercussions. He absolutely knew that this could have only gone down hill. He could already hear the thoughts that that cat would have running though his head. There was no doubt in his mind that this changed everything. Four days, it was four days to the graduation ceremony. He knew without a doubt that Akito would not hesitate to put Kyo in his place then and there. So now he needed to find a way to get Kyo back and secure their future. If they even had a future anymore.
Looking around he realized that it was indeed late. Miss Honda was already asleep, most likely dreaming dreams not realizing what she had done. He turned off the lights and trudged up the stairs. Opening the door to his room he looked in and even though he should know better was shocked to see it empty. Turning around he opened the door to Kyo's room. It was messy; he had obviously been in a rush. He was surprised that the cat had even taken the time to take clothes. He picked up a navy shirt lying on the floor. He held it up realizing that it smelled of him. Sandalwood and earth, he always, always smelled so good. He wondered into the bathroom and noticed that all his stuff was gone out of there as well. How could he so easily just remove himself? To take himself away? Traveling back to his room he realized the damage had been done. That there was nothing he could do now. Still carrying the shirt he placed it on instead of his normal sleep clothes. He pulled back the sheets and climbed into bed.
Never had his room seemed so cold.
He had never thought that he could feel this much pain. This much heartache, and he knew that Kyo was worse. Outside the thunder shook the house as the sky opened to the rain.
He hoped that Kyo felt okay.
It had been a long time since Yuki had let him be alone in the rain.
And now here they both were. Broken…bruised…alone.
With a sob he turned into his pillow, "What am I going to do?"
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Broken hearts didn't heal over night, and when Kyo woke, nothing had changed. His throat was tight, his heart was heavy, but beating hard in his chest and his eyes they were dry. But not because he hadn't been crying, but all the tears had gone. The storms still raged outside even though it was well past noon, and he though back to when he had started to like storms. When Yuki had seen him almost collapse after track in the rain and had helped him home, the dried him off, and curled up with him in bed. Since then, he had kind of liked the rain storms. But the pounding that he was hearing was not thunderstorms it was the door. He heard his master walked swiftly through the halls downstairs and he slowly crawled over and opened the doors looking down the hall to the left where the stairs lead to the door. He could hear it then…his voice.
"Master Kazuma, is Kyo here?" Kyo wanted to slam the door shut and not listen anymore, he wanted to grab what little he had take from Shigure's and run, find another place to hide, where Akito and Yuki would never find him, a place where he could simply learn to exist without his heart. His thought stopped when he paused to listen to the conversation downstairs.
"Yes, but he is still sleep, and was up late last night." His master voice was calm, he was soothing Kyo even as he spoke now.
"I need to see him." Yuki sounded odd, desperate.
"I don't think that this would be a good time, Yuki, maybe at graduation?"
"No!" Yuki yelled, he yelled at their master, "You don't understand…"
"I don't think you understand, he's tired and doesn't need to see you."
"But he does, don't you see, he needs me…" Yuki paused, he was obviously afraid of letting to much slip. "He needs me to explain what he saw."
"Yuki, you are special to me, all my students are, but Kyo is my son. He does not need you to come here and lord over him about what had happened. Things will be changing in his future and I think its best you let sleeping dogs lie."
"But…"
"Yuki, please don't raise your voice, he's resting."
"Could you give this to him at least…" There was a pause in the conversation. "Shigure opened it, he was excited. He ended up receiving that track scholarship..." Kyo smiled at his little success, once just for a second he had thought that he could use that to stay out of his cage longer…spend more time with Yuki, that dream was shattered now, much like the rest.
"Wonderful, I'm very proud of him," Even upstairs, Kyo could hear it in his voice and he glowed with pride, he had finally made him proud.
"We are too…" It was soft Kyo barely heard it.
"Are you Yuki?" Of course Kazuma would hear it too.
"I am, and Shigure, and Tohru, she was so excited, wanted to make his favorite meal…she's worried." And then Kyo's heart broke again, he didn't think it was possible, he didn't think that shattered hearts could still break, but they could they could be crushed. His sight of the stairs skewed and he realized that his dry eyes had somehow found more tears to shed. Of course that's why Yuki was here.
Tohru.
He pulled the door closed and crawled back the futon grapping the pillow that he had taken from home and he cried again.
It smelled like Yuki
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"….she's worried." Somehow Yuki knew it was the wrong thing to say the moment it left his mouth. Something in his master's eyes froze over, almost seeming cold, that was when Yuki realized he knew something. "What did he say? Last night what did he say?!" He found himself yelling at one of the people that he respected the most.
"Yuki, please, this isn't like you." No it wasn't like him because a vital piece of him was missing, Kyo was gone. And he needed him, needed him back where he belonged with him.
"Master…"
"No Yuki, even if I let you in I wouldn't make him see you, and I doubt you could either." Kazuma looked at the young boy knowing that Yuki would no idea what to do with Kyo. Kyo was strong, confident, and stubborn, but right now he could not be those things, not even in the face of his enemy. "Let him rest, you will see him at graduation, and then the party that Akito is hosting for the both of you. You can catch him then maybe?" But Kazuma had a feeling that he would most likely intervene there as well. He had to protect his Kyo, his beautiful little boy that he couldn't stop from being locked away.
Yuki looked hard at his master and he looked broken and sad. What was Kyo like if his master was feeling like this? But he knew that today was not his day, he relented. "Will you tell him that I stopped by, please?"
"Yes, and I will give him the letter."
"Thank you," Yuki paused, wanting to say more, but unsure of how to go about it. But before he could say anything, Kazuma turned and closed the door. For a moment he stood staring at the door, one door and one man was keeping him away from his lover. He wanted to break the door down and push aside the man and find Kyo, call his name and hold him. Tell him the truth; tell him that it was nothing, an accident pure and simple that it was nothing. He needed to tell Kyo the truth.
I love you.
He could never say it before, and Kyo wouldn't listen now. He had heard the words from others before, and it hadn't meant anything and that's what Kyo would think, that all he wanted was anyway to get him back. But he knew the truth even though no one said it. Kyo would be forgotten by everyone else in three days, no one would know that there was a Kyo Sohma. No one would understand that an insane person had taken him away. He turned and walked a few steps looking back at the house that could have been a fortress. He wasn't getting in so he would wait and think.
"I wanted you Kyo, there's no way you're getting rid of me now." He told the house as he walked away. "You may think its over, but we…we will be together."
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"Yuki…"
"I know," Kyo cut him off, "I heard part of it, may I see my letter?" He asked softly and Kazuma handed it over. Kyo read it over and over and while he was happy and proud he knew that it would simply be passed to someone else, someone worthy. He went to tear the letter, but large hands, paler then his own stopped him.
"I'd like to keep it," Kazuma said, and it was the first time that Kyo had seen his master's eyes fill with tears, "I'm going to frame, it along with your diploma, and hang them in my office. I will come and see you Kyo; I know where you will be."
"Don't forget me?" His voice was shaky but Kazuma was the only one he would ask, he had thought to ask Yuki, but then realized that it would have been cruel…Yuki would move on…he already had.
"Never." Then just like that they moved on to other conversations, the dojo, the weather, the gradation ceremony. The day moved on, and the both walked through the motions of the day.
But that night, he could still hear Yuki's voice hear in this house. It still carried through the halls and rang in his ears. He had sounded different, broken and sad. But then again if the woman you loved was worried about another man wouldn't you be sad. And a little jealous maybe, but still… Yuki hadn't sounded normal; come to think of it he had never heard Yuki sound like that. Lost and worried was not something that Yuki didn't do. He turned on his side and looked out the window. The night was clear tonight, not at all like last night, and the moon was shining bright in the sky, not a single cloud. But Kyo was still lost, when he had been young he used to look at the moon and it would help to guide him, help to show him a way but his way seemed to be lost, and wasn't that the way a person's life would normally end? Wouldn't at the end of your road you would be lost and confused simply by the fact you had been traveling so long and now it was over?
But still he wanted more, he wanted Yuki sprawled over him cuddled around him, trying always to get closer, warmer. Kyo loved it, the way that Yuki needed him. He had never actually felt needed before, but Yuki had changed that. Yuki had changed so much. There was no doubt that he would never forget it. He had figured out a long time ago that he was in love. The memory was easy and clear. It was when Yuki was gone, overnight for school and he had reached for him and he wasn't where he belonged. He wasn't by his side. For Kyo it was that simple. Granted that was over a four months ago, but what was the use when the person you loved, had never loved you back. He had refused Yuki in the beginning refusing to be just a toy, and they had gotten to know each other, well actually. But that didn't change the fact that love was only on one side of this relationship. He turned slightly when he heard the door open.
"Will you be alright tonight, Kyo, or would you like some tea to help you sleep?"
"You know tea sounds good." He said softly sitting up slowly and then standing.
"Good, I made some hoping you would say that."
"How could I say no?" And for a moment, just a brief moment, his laugh again rang through the air, Kazuma loved his laugh. It was so carefree, so beautiful. He knew that he would never hear it again.
"You couldn't. Downstairs?" And the walked silent down the stairs and they talked lightly over tea. "Will you tell me what happened?" Kazuma asked softly.
"I saw them kiss." It was out of his mouth so fast he was confused. "It looked so soft and sweet…so gentle. You know…like there was real emotion there." Not at all like the hard passionate kissed that Yuki and he shared. He had never thought to see that. He had only ever seen random people kiss like that, and then he had been eaten with jealousy. HE wanted that.
"Yuki seemed very upset." He laid it out on the table, but Kyo's empty eyes just looked past him, through him.
"Tohru was upset; of course he would try to make it right. That's the kind of decent thing people do when they care, right?"
"Yuki came to see you, Tohru didn't."
"Why would she, her prince is here to make everything right."
"I know you don't want to, but I think you should talk to them, before…" He trailed off wondering why he could never say Kyo's fate out loud.
"Yeah, before…"
"Clear the air. It would be for the best."
"After a while they'll forget. About me," Now he did finally turn and those unique eyes drilled though him, "They will move on, and forget. That's for the best."
"Kyo, I though I taught you to think more of yourself?"
"Yeah, but I won't be around, they won't hear me yell, they won't see me, my room will be emptied, and I'll be gone." How could he fight that when it was true? Sure he was keeping things of Kyo's, his martial arts items, his scholarship letter, his diploma, but he had never once seen Shigure take a picture, Tohru had nothing of his, Yuki…that was the question, somehow all this came back to the rat.
"Kyo, you'll never be gone. Not for me."
"Thanks." The blush ran all the way across his cheeks, and he looked like he was 10. "May I ask a favor?"
"Of course."
"When you come to see me bring this." It was a small bag and it had a few things that Kyo wanted to keep in it. The small charm that Yuki had gave him to put on his bracelet, a book that his master had gave him, a diary to use to try to keep him sane, and the photo album that Yuki had given him for Christmas but it was filled with pictures, not only of Kyo and Yuki together, but of Tohru, Haru, Shigure, and people he wanted to remember people that he hoped would forget him.
"I'm sure I can get it to you."
"I think I can sleep now."
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
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Yuki wasn't really fairing much better. He missed Kyo's warmth and his calming heartbeat in Yuki's ear. He couldn't sleep, not like this, yesterday he had cried himself to sleep, tonight it would be exhaustion, or so it would seem.
But nothing was normal; it was ruining the fact that he was finishing a major part of his life. But he really couldn't bring himself to hate Kyo for it. He knew exactly how much pain he had caused the cat even though it was truly an accident. It had been even more awkward facing Tohru again and having to make sure that he had no interest in her whatsoever. That had been strange, and he felt truly horrible hurting the girl. Earlier he had truly thought that he would have loved to be with her, but now, now he couldn't think of anyone else that he would want to be with then Kyo.
The next two days passed in a blur, and then on graduation day, it came. His first glimpse of him.
He looked pale.
Across the locker room where they were lining up crimson eyes met his and for a moment it was all okay. But then he turned away and closed up and Yuki knew that this was not going to be the place to talk to him, to confront him. He watched him carefully as the teacher lined them up, he watched as he spoke with Tohru and his eyes widen ever so slightly and he looked right at him again. Maybe Tohru was doing the job for him, whatever she was saying made Kyo look a little startled. Kyo would always believe whatever Tohru had to say. He would have to wait, maybe until the party, for once Kyo was being allowed in the Somha house, for his own graduation party. Akito had allowed for this, but Yuki had a feeling it was more for humiliation than actually allowing Kyo to for once be where he actually belonged to be. He lined up behind Kyo, his red hair showing against the dark color of the graduation gown. He wanted so badly to reach out but felt truly that this wasn't the time or the place. So he walked through the motions, and before he knew it he was back in the car with the others heading to the Somha house for the party. This would be more of his chance.
Kyo looked up as he entered the Somha house, his crimson eyes instantly finding the eyes of his lover. For the first time that he remembered he was in the Sohma house and he couldn't enjoy it not when Tohru's voice rang through his head.
III
"How are you and Yuki?
"I'm fine but Yuki is really down lately, actually since you left."
"Can't you cheer him up, aren't you guys a…uhh…umm…a couple?"
"No, I think it's for the best actually it would make things awkward, but I wish that I knew what was bothering him."
"But you kissed…"
"No not really, I kissed him on the cheek and he moved… it was embarrassing actually. You saw that…I am soooo sorry Kyo."
"Really? Embarrassing?" He had then looked up and Yuki had been looking at him a plea and apology in his eyes. Was it really an accident, what it really nothing, "So it was nothing?" Kyo asked looking down at the wide eye innocent girl.
"Actually it felt really weird, but don't tell Yuki that."
III
"Ahh, the other graduate has arrived." Kyo looked over to see that Akito had already spotted him. The man had seemed to almost recover overnight and over the past few days had regained enough of his strength to be at their party. The leader of the family came up to Kyo's side and softly whispered. "Enjoy your last couple hours of freedom, because after the party, you aren't going home." Akito looked surprised when the cat glared at him but still nodded. Surprisingly it was Yuki that broke the moment. The rat walked forward and looked straight at Kyo. His grey eyes held a determination that he had not ever seen before. Not even when Yuki had first set out to seduce him.
"Kyo, may I speak with you?" Kyo stared at him, and the nodded, but before they moved the doors filled with the rest of the family and they were torn apart.
Never had Yuki felt this much contempt for his family that what he felt right now. They were all here congratulating both him and Kyo and not even allowing them with in 10 feet of each other. He figured that this was due to the fact that most of the family didn't know that they really didn't fight to the point of ruining doors and furniture anymore. But still he wished that they would let him get over to Kyo to at least speak with him a moment.
And it was when they brought in the cake that he got just a second, and Kyo must have know it because he showed no surprise to being pulled into the hall and then into and empty room.
"Are you okay, you look pale?" Yuki asked softly reaching a hand up to touch his face. That first touch after so long warmed them both and for a moment Yuki didn't know what was going to happen.
"I'm okay."
"I'm sorry, I know what you saw, and I tried to talk to you but…"
"I avoided you." Kyo spoke the truth softly but bluntly as he turned slightly to kiss Yuki's palm slightly. "It doesn't matter though."
"How can you say that?"
"Because even now, the rest of my life belongs to Akito."
"But…"
"It would have changed nothing."
"We could have enjoyed our last few days together." Yuki's other hand came up to cup his face, "We could have ran away, found a way to be together."
"We could never run out of Akito's reach, you know that as much as I do. He would never let you go Yuki." Outside the door, Yuki could hear their names being called. "You kissed her and it was an accident, its okay. It hurt me to see it, but its okay I have to get used to the idea. But you don't belong with me anymore Yuki. What we had has to be over now. There is no more us." Yuki didn't realize that he was crying until Kyo came up to wipe his tears away. "You'll be fine, you are strong, and you'll be just fine without me. Just look at these last few days."
"No… no…" Yuki shook he head fighting what Kyo was saying trying even now to come up with a conclusion, an idea, anything, but all he knew was that his heart was breaking again and again, this just couldn't happen.
"I can't say anything to make it better Yuki. I know I should have told you sooner, but this is it." Kyo was sad saying the words out loud. But there was nothing that they could do. They all knew that as Somha's their lives were not their own. They belonged to the curse. Kyo leaned down and softly pressed his lips against Yuki's. That was all that he could really give him anymore. Words would just not do them any justice.
"Don't leave me." Yuki whispered softly his hands had moved from Kyo's face to clutching at his wrist. "Please?"
"Yuki…" Kyo looked truly at a loss of what to say or do.
"I know." Kyo pulled away and walked out the door Yuki followed behind after just a few minutes.
The guests slowly started to trickle away as the time approached a late hour, and soon only family remained. Everything seemed to be falling apart worse then before, at least before he had a way to fight to get Kyo back, but now, now everything was lost. He felt as though his life was ending along with Kyo's. He watched as Akito approached Kyo. For a moment they seemed to bicker, and then Akito grabbed onto Kyo's wrist.
The whole room fell silent as Akito spoke.
"Many of you know the tradition of the cat, but for those of you who don't let me inform you. The leaders of the Sohma family ahead of my self realized that the monster was not fit to be among the rest of society, the rest of the Sohmas. So located on the main grounds is a prison where, when the cat reached maturity, will spend the rest of his life. Today is considered the day that Kyo has reached maturity."
Mummers seemed to race around the room, but no one was objecting. Yuki looked around seeing, Haru, Shigure, Hatori, Momiji, Kagura, Kazuma, Ritsu, all seemed silent, the young ones, Kisa was crying while Hiro held her shaking his head, they were to young to really know, but old enough to know that something was wrong.
"How?"
"When?"
"Why?" The questions weren't coming from anyone in general and they most likely weren't really expecting an answer, but most seemed in shock. Yuki looked up when he felt a presence behind him. An arm floated around his shoulder and he looked up to see his brother standing there. Ayame's eyes were serious as he observed the orange hair cat, whose head was hung in embarrassment.
'You can't let them do this." Ayame's voice sounded much different when he spoke in soft soothing words. "You love him."
"I love him?" Yuki questioned looking up at his brother; he knew that, still after trying to prepare for this he still seemed to be in shock. It was real, all this was real.
"Even I can tell. You can't tell me that you would be happy with out him. That you wouldn't feel like half of your heart is missing?"
"How would you know how I feel?" Yuki hissed angry at his brother.
"I've been in love, and didn't fight for it; I know what I feel like every day of my life. I don't wish that on you, Brother." He looked down with gentle eyes. "You do love him, don't you?"
"Is it supposed to hurt this much?" Yuki asked looking over and up meeting Aya's eyes for the first time.
"Oh it hurts a lot, when you're not together. You two belong together, forget that you hated each other, forget that you are both men, and forget that Akito and others will think that it's wrong, what do you want?"
"To be with Kyo."
"What does he want?"
"I think…I think he wants to be with me to."
"Do you love him? Really love him?"
"Yes, I think I do." Yuki turned away from his brother to look, at Kyo. How long had he called him his lover, his boyfriend, his partner? But when he looked at Kyo he saw his life, his meaning for living, the one part of his life that was perfect. "I love him. He makes me what I want to be. What if he doesn't love me?"
"Then he will tell you, and you move on. How do you know that he didn't resign himself to this a long time ago? He has had longer to prepare then you."
"I know…"
"Either way this is wrong, and if you fight, I will stand beside you." Aya looked around the room and caught the guilty eyes of both Shigure and Hatori and he felt lost that he wasn't sure if he could depend on them for help. He had always had both of them to count on if he needed them, but he was willing to take that chance to make sure his brother was happy. Beside he couldn't let this happen to Kyo anyway. He couldn't believe that no one else would defend the cat as well. His eyes found Tohru and she was in shock leaning against the table, unsure of really the extent of what was going on but knowing that it was bad. It felt like it had been forever but Akito was speaking again.
"…final words to the cat speak them now, for he will not be seen again." Akito held a painful grip on Kyo but Yuki knew that he couldn't falter. Kyo looked up and looked over at his 'friends', 'family', and 'loved ones'. But none of them would meet his gaze, until he matched eyes with Yuki. His grey eyes were full of hope, of something and he watched as he and his brother spoke in quiet tones. There was nothing that he could think of that could be hopeful in this situation. But he could be surprised; he jumped when his lover yelled.
"NO!" The scream tore from Yuki's lips and he could not have stopped it if he wanted to. Everything that Ayame had said was true and he could feel his brother's comforting grip on his hand as he spoke. He had nothing left to lose and he refused to let go. No one was going to stop him, not that he had finally realized that he loved really loved Kyo and that he was all he wanted.
"Yuki?" Akio questioned, the leader looked at him shocked, eyes opened wide, mouth not quite closed.
"You can't take him away, I won't let you. I won't let you take away the one thing that I care about." He slowly started to walk forward toward the two, dropping his brother's hand but still he could feel his presence there, behind him, moving with him. The words were coming out and there was no stopping it, they needed to be spoken. "You have no right to hide him away. No reason to imprison him. He is a person, a good person, not a monster." Akito still had his hand wrapped around Kyo wrist but if he was in pain he wasn't showing it. Kyo's eyes seemed to be drilling through his as he spoke and moved towards them. He was almost in front of them before he spoke again. "I think that you need to let him go, that you need to send him home, back to Shigure's house."
Akito seemed to be shaking his head in denial and shock as though what was being said wasn't registering with what he thought would happen. But then again, no one would have thought that Yuki would stand up for his nemesis. His next words were a shock to everyone.
"I love him and you can't take him away. He belongs with me." He made sure to be looking at Kyo when he said it and watched his eye go wide and his mouth go slack. He didn't register Akito's gasp of shock and denial. "I love him and he's mine and I won't let you do this to him. I won't let you take him away." He smiled a small smile and Kyo returned it his embarrassment forgotten. Kyo reached out a hand to clasp the hand that Yuki hadn't even realized that he was holding out and when their hands met the room fell into shocked silence.
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Next Chapter is the Epilogue…almost over, can it be that an author is sad and happy about that at the same time?
Thanks for reading, please as always let me know what you think.
Cat
