Chapter 19

My Soul Can't Go On Without You

Bonnie was worried about the headaches returning, so the day after the trip to Iowa, she went to the boarding house. Damon was gone for the day, and she was tempted to go find him, but her showing up out of the blue wherever he was would be strange. She had to find a moment to do the spell as soon as possible, so she waited until he returned.

She was sprawled across the sofa when she heard Damon and Stefan walk into the house. In her hand was a glass of wine she nursed while she watched TV. An hour ago, she had a headache. The pain was intense, and she was scared it was going to be like the one that made her pass out, but between the medicine the doctor gave her and the glass of whiskey she had before she switched to wine, it was manageable.

Still in the foyer, the brothers' voices weren't loud, but she heard something about blood relating to Stefan learning moderation. She swirled the wine glass in her hand, taking another sip.

"Staying here?" Damon leaned against the archway leading into the room with his jacket off and a tumbler of bourbon in hand. He took in the way she sat, one leg stretched underneath a blanket and the other folded, her arm leaning on the armrest, slouched and relaxed as if she lived there.

"Is that a problem?"

"Not at all. Mi casa es su casa. Have you heard what's been going on?" Approaching the couch, he stood behind it at the other end, resting his hands on the back of it.

"No."

He relayed the news about Alaric's arrest for the murders and his subsequent release after they figured out he'd been having blackouts. Meredith Fell, the town council member and doctor that Alaric was dating, was supposed to look into what was wrong with him the following morning, and then they were going to keep him locked up at the boarding house.

"We're going to need you to figure out something for Alaric."

She pursed her lips. "Of course you will. I'll look into the grimoires tomorrow."

In her original past, she was over in North Carolina with Abby, Caroline, and Jamie, trying to help Abby through her transition into a vampire. This time, Caroline was taking care of it for her. She spoke to her mother a few times and received the occasional update from Caroline, but other than that, she kept her distance from the whole process. It wasn't like she could be there even if she wanted to considering the whole headache situation.

Her eyes went back to the TV, where reruns of a sitcom were on the screen. Strands of her hair fell over her shoulder in waves. It was down, and she brushed it away from her eyes. Mid sip of wine, she glanced at Damon who was still watching her from where he stood at the other end. She shifted on the sofa, closing her legs and drawing herself inward.

"So what's going on with Stefan?" She asked.

"I've been teaching him control."

"Good. He needs to learn."

"I had him feed from the vein." Damon watched for her reaction.

She eyed him. "Okay."

He looked surprised at her easy acceptance. "No judgey comment?"

Bonnie shrugged. "So long as you stop him before he kills anyone. The less chance of a ripper reappearance, the better."

"So you, the holier than thou, morally perfect witch, truly doesn't care about vampires feeding on people anymore?"

Wrinkling her nose at the way he described her, she tapped a finger against the wine glass and brought it to her lips. "I've adapted to the new normal." She took another sip.

"And you don't have a problem with me teaching Stefan self-control?"

"You have more self-control than people give you credit for. You just pretend not to sometimes. Though I'm sure there are certain things that can set you off and make you actually lose control."

He considered what she said. "Meanwhile, I don't think I've ever seen you really lose control."

"Everyone has their triggers and limits. Mine are just a bit harder to reach."

"I'm sure." She didn't miss the dark look that flashed in his eyes.

Finishing off her wine, she turned off the TV and stood. "I think I'm going to turn in for the night."

"Alright."

Damon disappeared off somewhere while she took her wine glass to the sink and washed it out. Drying it, she went to place it back in the cabinet. She walked back towards the steps but stopped when she heard her name.

"Bonnie?" She turned around as Stefan came from the hallway across the room.

The lines on his forehead were deep as he walked over to her. His expression was apologetic.

"I'm sorry for what happened, for what I did to your mother."

Her head shook in disappointment. "I was surprised when I heard. I expected something like that from Damon, not you, especially since I know your humanity is back on."

"I figured everyone already expected the worst of me, so what was one more bad deed?"

She snorted. "You sound just like him right now. Damon told me he was going to do it if you hadn't, but you got to my mother faster."

"I could tell what he was planning, but we decided it was going to be me in the first place so I didn't let him. Bonnie, if I could go back and change things and find another way, I would."

Sighing, she let her expression soften a little. "I know you would Stefan."

"What I did was unforgivable, and I know you're probably still upset with me over it, but I hope we can be eventually okay."

"Like I said to Damon, I understand that it was the only way to stop the spell, but I… need time."

The next morning, Bonnie sat in bed thinking about how she was going to find a way to do the spell to fix the connection between her and Damon.

She was up earlier than usual. The sun had yet to fully rise, and only a small amount of light trickled in between the window's curtains. At this hour he should still be asleep, or at least in bed, so this could be her chance. She used one of the spells she'd been practicing from Emily's grimoire. Ut veterascet praesentia. It would make her presence less detectable in a room and make it hard for her to be noticed.

With the spell cast, as silently as possible, she left her room, walked down the hall, and went into his. On his bed he was still as stone, the rise and fall of his chest barely detectable, and his face was relaxed in the way it usually was when he slept. Still, there was a chance he could be pretending, so just to make sure, she whispered a sleep spell.

She stood at his bedside and leaned over him. He was shirtless with the covers messily strewn over him, leaving only his pectorals visible. She ignored the brief urge to run her fingers across the hard muscles of his chest and instead reached out to place a hand on his cheek, testing to see whether the spell worked. There was no reaction. He didn't move even as she brushed his cheekbone with her thumb and ran her hand through his hair until her fingertips reached the pillow. She leaned over further, bringing her forehead to rest over the top of his, their noses touching as she closed her eyes and whispered the words to the spell that Vera taught her. Liga nos in spiritu sicut fuimus in alia vita.

It didn't work at first. The magic wasn't reaching him the way it should have. Just saying the words wasn't enough.

She pulled back for a second, wondering how on earth she was going to be able to complete the spell without his knowledge, without him consciously being open to it. It should be possible. Vera said Bonnie had done it at their wedding during the vows. Neither of them was conscious of it at the time, so if there was some way to make him subconsciously open to it...

Another idea crossed her mind.

Bonnie put her forehead back to his, began repeating the spell again, and thought of the moment she said her vows to him.

The feeling in her chest became so light, for a moment, she believed she might float. Damon stared at her, taking her in. The Vera Wang gown she wore was a mermaid cut with Chantilly lace over a semi-transparent bodice that flowed into a white silk skirt that hugged her curves and flared out at her thighs into a long train. Her hair was natural, slicked back with her curls braided and pinned into a low bun while a few hung around her face. He was mesmerized, just as he'd been in the past, but a shock leaked into his features that wasn't supposed to be there.

Bonnie smiled as if it was real and gently grabbed his hand. No longer having to hold herself back as she did in the waking world, love poured into her expression, and she allowed herself to remember the pure elation she felt at that moment. Tears brimmed in her eyes.

Damon would have just finished his vows, and it was her turn to recite hers.

She remembered them like their wedding just happened yesterday, so she took a deep breath and began.

"No one has ever loved me like you have, has ever made me feel beautiful, cherished, and seen in the way that you have. The lightness, the sheer happiness I get every time I think of us makes me feel as if I might grow wings and fly, and I never want to lose that feeling, so for the rest of my days, I promise myself to you. I will cherish every moment we have together, every laugh, every fight, and every single second in between. Whatever may come, I will stand by you and love you with all my heart as your best friend and wife. You are my other half, a part of my soul, and because of that," she let go of his hand to place hers on his chest, "heart of my heart, soul of my soul, without you, I am not whole, so I am yours and you are mine for so long as I live."

His gaze softened as she spoke, and he let her words sink in, oblivious to the magic ingraining itself into her words and the space between them.

Alaric, who doubled as best man and wedding officiant, began to speak. "And now, Damon Salvatore, do you take Bonnie Bennett to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and health, in joy and sorrow until death do you part?"

There was a poignant pause where Bonnie held her breath, but then he smiled. "I do."

Inaudibly, she let out a sigh of relief.

"And do you, Bonnie Bennett, take Damon Salvatore to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and health, and in joy and sorrow until death do you part?"

She beamed at him. "I do."

The rings were brought by one of Lucy's sons, and they took turns placing them on their respective fingers. While Alaric said something about the ring representing their union, all Bonnie could focus on was Damon and all he could focus on was her.

The strange ability most vampires had to slip into other's dreams made it easy for her as a witch to slip into his and shape them, but she had no idea what he was truly thinking or how much of his conscious self was present. She hoped at the very least that he was not aware enough to realize that she was the Bonnie of his reality and not the Bonnie of his dreams.

Alaric droned on until his short speech was finally over. "….I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride."

He leaned in and they kissed, Bonnie's hand going to his neck to pull him in as his mouth captured hers. Heat spread through her and tingles crawled up her spine. He teased her a little with his tongue, and her lips spread into a smile as she pulled away, leaning her forehead against his.

The memory shifted as Bonnie started to lose herself in the moment. After the recessional, she went back to the room she got ready in, pulling Damon in behind her. She was supposed to be getting changed for the reception, but he met her in the hall, and grabbing his hand, she dragged him back to the room.

"My beautiful wife, so eager to get me alone already." His blue eyes sparkled with mischief, knowing exactly what she intended to do.

Once the door was closed and locked behind them, she practically jumped him, drawing him into a deep kiss that left her breathless. "You did say you wanted to fuck me in this dress." Her hand slid up the lapel of his perfectly tailored tux.

He snaked his arms around her waist, keeping her flush against him. "I did, didn't I."

She pushed away from him, making him loosen his hold, and started to pull the dress up over her hips. With it being a mermaid cut, it was a bit of a struggle to get it over her curves without tearing the fabric, so Damon moved to help her. "Just, try not to ruin it too much. I do want to keep it."

They managed to get the fabric bunched around her waist, revealing the tiny sheer white thong she wore underneath. He grinned.

"Did you wear that for me?" Damon asked as he lifted her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist and an arm around his neck.

"I might have," she smiled coyly.

He flipped them so her back was against the wall, and she pulled him into another kiss while he palmed her ass and pressed his hardness against her core. Her hips rolled against him, making them both moan low in their throats.

This was going too far. She was getting too caught up in the memory, in feeling so purely happy for the first time in a long time. She needed to let go, to get out of Damon's mind and stop shaping his dreams.

She leaned her head back against the wall, one of her hands moving to his cheek to run her thumb across it. Damon moved his forehead against hers, and her eyes dipped down to his lips before hers pulled into a sad smile.

"I love you," she said, her gaze locked on his.

The smile on his face faltered a little as he searched her gaze. "I…"

Before he could speak, Bonnie let go of the moment, reciting the words to the spell one last time. In response, the bond between them strengthened and settled. It was like something clicked into place inside her. His presence was stronger in her mind.

There was seemingly no change with him on the outside though. He was still asleep with the same relaxed look on his face.

She debated on leaving him asleep and letting the sleep spell wear off on its own, but there was no telling how long that would take, and he might need to help with the Alaric situation that day, so she dragged her hand back through his soft hair and across his forehead, releasing him from it.

Forgetting to mask her presence again, she slowly backed away and was about to head towards the door when in less than a second, she was thrown back onto his bed. Damon was on top of her, his fingers wrapped around her throat and hers wrapped around his forearm in a weak attempt to stop him. She couldn't breathe until he recognized her and his grip loosened.

"It's just me Damon," she said once she took a deep breath and could speak again. One of his legs was up on the bed between hers, and his other hand propped himself up over her. Thank god he was wearing a pair of pajama pants and not sleeping in the nude like he usually did.

"Why are you in my room?"

"I um, needed another shirt. I forgot to bring one." she lied quickly. Bonnie had brought a change of clothes with her that was already in her room, shirt included.

"Right." He shifted the leg between hers against her core in a way that made her inhale sharply. She was already turned on from almost letting him fuck her in his dreams and him being on top of her like he was made it worse.

"Damon, get off."

She tried to move from underneath him, letting go of his arm and wiggling and pushing herself further up onto his bed in order to sit up and slide out from under him. "You know, I had the strangest dream."

She went still. "About?"

Slow to move, his thumb lightly caressed her already thrumming pulse before he let go and moved off of her so he stood at the edge of the bed.

"You." He looked down at her sprawled across his comforter, heat in his gaze.

Finally free, she sat up, her eyes going straight to the dick print on his black silk pajama pants he probably wore nothing underneath of. She swallowed and raised her eyes to his while she rubbed at her throat.

"I hope I was beating you up."

He quirked a smile. "You weren't."

Glancing at the shirt and tiny shorts she wore, his gaze turned even more heated, and even with things still a bit strained between them, a surge of desire went through her. She disregarded it, standing and going to his dresser. She opened the drawer the shirts were in and pulled a dark gray one out.

She hazarded a glance at him as she closed it. He was tense and following her every movement the same way he did the morning after they kissed. The way he was looking at her made the sudden throb between her legs worse.

"Thanks," she said, and exited the room, closing the door behind her.

After what happened, Bonnie took a shower and by the time she was dressed, Damon was gone. She left to go back to her house, and after an update from Caroline on her mother, she decided to go visit her. This way she could test to see if the spell was actually working and also attempt to patch things up with Abby as best as she could.

But she also had to deal with Alaric. Most of the grimoires were still at the boarding house, so she packed some of them into her car and set off to North Caroline without telling anyone else but Caroline.

The reunion with her newly turned vampire mother was strained and awkward at best, but Abby seemed happy to see her.

Apparently, Caroline had been trying to ease Jaimie into getting used to Abby being a vampire and he wasn't taking too well to it. Because of that, Bonnie not being afraid of her and being willing to be around her meant a lot.

According to Caroline, she'd been doing alright otherwise and adapting to drinking from blood bags. The loss of connection to the earth as a witch, however, was devastating to her. Bonnie couldn't imagine how it felt. Even being dead, she had always felt some sort of connection to the earth no matter how muted the feeling was. But it was something her mother was going to have to get used to.

After a late lunch, Bonnie told her mother about the situation with Alaric and the blackouts and murders. Abby told her about a spell and an herbal remedy given to witches who get caught up in dark magic and begin to do terrible things they never would've done before. Just in case though, they spent the rest of the afternoon together searching through the grimoires with Caroline for anything else that might help with Alaric's condition.

The next morning, Caroline resolved to push Jamie into becoming more comfortable with being around Abby. Since Bonnie arrived, he'd barely been around the house, preferring to stay out back instead. She went to talk to him and invite him to breakfast, hoping he could at least make an effort to be normal around Abby. It went well at first until Jamie went to hug Abby and she bit him. Bonnie had to stop Abby with an aneurysm and Caroline had to heal Jamie with her blood. The whole incident left them distraught, and Abby was starting to think it would be better if she left.

Bonnie convinced her otherwise for the time being, but then Elena called Caroline, saying how Alaric had attacked Meredith and they had to lock him up in the boarding house. and she was rushing back to Mystic Falls, leaving her mother with Jamie and Caroline.

They had knocked Alaric out with drugs, courtesy of Dr. Meredith, before they moved him out of the boarding house's basement and up to one of the rooms, so he was asleep on the bed in front of her while she performed the spell to suppress his dark side. After she finished, she went back downstairs to where Damon, Stefan, and Elena were waiting in the living room.

"It's done," she said, and Damon immediately went off to check on Alaric first. Stefan also left the room behind him, leaving Bonnie and Elena alone to talk.

"So Abby says that all the dying and coming back to life might have chipped away at Alaric's psyche, making it easier for the darkness to take hold. These herbs are the binding element of the spell and he needs to take them twice a day." Bonnie held out the glass jar full of herbs, and Elena took it from her.

"How is she doing?" Elena asked after a pause.

"The transition's been hard, but I think she'll be okay."

"I'm sorry, Bonnie. I didn't want this to happen. If there was anything that I could do to make it different, I…" They were all starting to sound like broken records. If only they'd done it differently, if only things could've happened differently… The words reminded her of her own failure. Bonnie should have been able to make things happen differently.

"I know," Bonnie said, tired of hearing the same apology.

"Please say that you forgive me." Elena pleaded with her eyes while Bonnie stared at her with little emotion.

"I forgive you," Bonnie said because she knew that's what her old self would have done. Resentment was tangled up in her words though. By the sad look on her face, Bonnie wasn't sure if Elena believed that she forgave her, but whether she believed it or not didn't matter to her. She should have never forgiven any of them as easily as she did in the past.

The next day, Abby decided to leave out on her own, abandoning both her and Jamie this time. Bonnie expected it, so she didn't have much of a reaction when Caroline told her. Still, even without the headaches plaguing her, she wanted to go over to the boarding house for a drink. She refrained, wanting to stay away from Damon for a little while longer or at least another day just to be sure she would be alright.

When Caroline was back in Mystic Falls later that evening, she insisted on coming over to check up on Bonnie and decided to spend the night. The moment Bonnie opened the door, Caroline hugged her.

"I'm sorry. I know you've been through this before, but I know it has to suck that she just up and decided to leave…again."

"Yeah."

They made themselves comfortable in Bonnie's room, Caroline putting her stuff down and taking a seat on Bonnie's bed. Bonnie took a seat across from her.

"Have you spoken to Alaric yet?"

Caroline shook her head. "No. I still can't believe he was the one to kill my father. I see what you meant now about not being able to reveal anything about that, but I truly don't know how to feel about him seeing as he's basically possessed, and ugh, I don't wanna talk about it anymore." She grabbed one of Bonnie's pillows, and hugged it to her chest, resting her head on top of it while she drew her knees into her chest. "Have you had any more headaches?"

They'd briefly talked about Bonnie's trip to Iowa when she was at Abby's house in North Carolina. Caroline had asked her how it went, and Bonnie vaguely told her that she would be okay without giving any details since her mother could possibly be listening, and they were around her most of the time.

"No, thank god. The spell I did seems to be working."

"Who was the witch you went to see?"

"The mother of the woman who helped to send me back."

"Was she there?"

"Yeah and only around six years old right now. I didn't spend long there and spent most of the time talking to her mother, but she really seemed to like Da…" Bonnie didn't finish her sentence, realizing she was about to say Damon when she hadn't told Caroline that Damon came with her.

"To like?" Caroline waited for her to finish.

Bonnie decided to tell her anyway, not really knowing what to say as a believable lie. "Damon."

Her eyebrows went to her hairline. "Damon came with you?"

"Well he showed up on his own and practically forced himself on the trip, but yes, I took Damon with me."

She tilted her head and eyed Bonnie. "What's with you two?"

"What do you mean?"

"I've been meaning to ask, but I saw you two talking for a second at the Mikaelson mansion during the ball before I was distracted."

"By Klaus, I'm assuming."

Caroline's face scrunched up at the mention of the Original hybrid. "Don't try to change the subject. We're not talking about me right now. Damon looked like he was hitting on you and you didn't seem to not be enjoying it, which I thought I was imagining things there, but now I'm not so sure. Damon also sounded actually worried when he called me to go check on you after you passed out, which was also kind of odd. And now you two are secretly going on road trips together. So what is going on there?"

She might as well partially rip off the band-aid. "Well, Damon and I are kind of best friends in the future, and I've kind of ended up being sort of friends with him right now."

Her best friend blinked at her and then threw the pillow in her arms at her. Bonnie barely managed to block it from hitting her in the face. "What the hell, Bonnie!? Did I hear you correctly? Did you just say Damon Salvatore is your best friend?" Her voice gradually became more shrill. "I thought I was your best friend?"

Shrugging, she folded her arms across her lap. "You both are."

"How the hell did that happen?"

"We were trapped together for a long time and that's all I'll say."

"So you had Stockholm syndrome."

Bonnie let out a little laugh. "I don't think it counts as Stockholm syndrome unless he kidnapped me, which he didn't."

"If you say so," she looked as if she didn't believe her. "But after everything he's done, this is literally insane to me."

"I know it sounds crazy, but he does eventually become a better person, and if you look hard enough, like really really hard, you can kind of see the progress now."

"I'm still number one though right."

"Of course."

Caroline dipped her head in thought.

"I've been wondering about something else and I know you're probably not going to give me details, but what happened with Elena? You saying I was your maid of honor sort of clued me in that something happened there since I always expected it to be Elena."

"If I still considered her a friend at the time, it would've been both of you, but she did something unforgivable to me, and we grew apart." Bonnie snorted. "She wasn't even invited to the wedding." There was no way Bonnie was going to have her there when she'd already disrespected her relationship by trying it with Damon behind her back.

"Do you think you'll ever be able to forgive her?"

"I think the better question is if I'll ever be able to trust her again. And the answer to that is probably not. But let's talk about something else."

It was easy hanging out with Caroline. Her presence was a balm for Bonnie, allowing her to be distracted by more mundane things. She still worried, but it was relegated to the back of her mind as she and Caroline chatted about anything but the supernatural for once, and for the rest of the night they talked and laughed until they fell asleep together.

They both went to school the following day. It had been a while since either of them had shown up to class with Caroline being away to take care of Abby and Bonnie also being away in Iowa to see Prairie and then coming back and going off to see her mother. Elena was there too and so was Matt. For a moment, it was nice to have some time where everything was just normal.

After school, however, they all got a text from Stefan about meeting him in the woods. Bonnie was already back at her house, so when she received the text, she grabbed her things and walked back towards the door.

When she opened it, however, Klaus Mikaelson was standing before her, a smirk that promised nothing but trouble on his face.

A/N:

Thanks for reading!

Chapter title from "Love" by Keyshia Cole.