Not This Year

-for-

Ten no Kasou

Chapter Three: Forgotten Meaning

Haruka sighed as she filled out the last card on her list. All that was left was to place them in the envelopes and send them off. Her eyes inspected every inch of every card and it suddenly hit her: these cards held absolutely no meaning. Was she wrong to even try to imitate the tradition her family had upheld for years?

This Christmas card is contrived
A mannequin looks more alive

Haven't meant a word I've written here
The page is full not one thing sincere

"Finished?" Usagi asked as she walked into the living room. Haruka only nodded, gathering her things. "Nice job! Right on time too! I wish I could be like you." Usagi admired Haruka from afar.

'No you don't, Usagi. No, you don't.' "Hai, we have to get going." 'Michiru is going to kill me if I'm late.' Haruka glanced at her watch and winked. "We don't want all the food gone before we get there."

"No! That would be a horrible thing." Usagi had an angered look on her face as she stormed out of her house, Haruka in pursuit.


I can't, I can't
I can't, I can't take it

The whole ride to Michiru's house was in complete and total silence. It was never in the tall blonde's nature to be so quiet that it could seem like she was being rude, but she couldn't help it. There were too many things on her mind that she couldn't stop from thinking about. All she knew was that she had to improve her mood before she got to the dinner; it would be rude to walk in without the cheer that everyone else maintained.

When Haruka had pulled up to the house, she stopped the engine and simply looked at her steering wheel. Usagi didn't dare move or even try to get out. It was her duty as a friend to help Haruka but she couldn't think of anything brilliant that would help the other blonde.

"Hey." Usagi touched Haruka's hand lightly. "Is everything okay?"

'Baka! You did it again.' Haruka forced herself to laugh. "Of course. I was thinking of what I was going to get Michiru for Christmas. It's just about around the corner… you know…"

"Hmm…" Usagi nodded, though she felt as though she was being lied to. 'Maybe it's too much for her to talk about. I'll just have a talk with Michiru later. If anyone will know what's wrong… Michiru will.' "Oh, well I guess that could cause someone to be thrown into a strange trance. Come on! Food is waiting for us."

This is the time to smile,
I can't fake it
Please allow me the chance now
To break it down

Haruka hopped out of the car. This was harder than she thought it would be. She smoothened out her suit as if it would help her get rid of the anxiety she was feeling. 'I don't want to go in there…' Haruka couldn't remember the last time she celebrated Christmas with anyone but her father. And now? Now even that was impossible. The blonde bit her tongue to hold back from releasing tears. 'Tenoh, don't you dare cry! Everyone else is going to be happy. At least return the happiness, even if you have to fake it.'

"Usagi!" Mamoru embraced his girlfriend when he opened the door. "You guys are a bit late…" Mamoru glared at Usagi.

"No, no." Haruka stepped in, with a smile on her face. She would hate to see Usagi take the blame for being late. It was her Christmas cards that had caused them to arrive later than planned. "It was all my fault."

"Ah, good then." Mamoru grinned. "You can be the one to take Michiru's anger."

"Is she mad?"

"Somewhat…" Mamoru admitted. "Well, come in. Standing out here won't solve our problem."

'This is perfect. Start out the holidays by making Michiru mad.' Haruka didn't know what was worse. Spending the holidays alone or spending them with a very irate Michiru. 'Spending them alone.' Haruka finally decided as she stepped in the door. Everyone greeted her by either hugging her or in some way, shape or form, physically touching her. It alleviated some of Haruka's tension but it still wasn't enough.

It's not snow, It's rain coming down
And the lights are cool,
But they burn out
And I can't pull off the cheer

-----Flash Back-----

"Look at all those people. Celebrating Christmas."

"Well, it is December, dad." Haruka replied.

"That's not what I mean. Look at them. All of them are happy. It's not normal. Sometimes I wish I had a different family, one like theirs. One that enjoyed Christmas."

Haruka felt the words sting. "How could you say that?" She practically flipped out. "Our family was perfect! And then you messed it all up!" Haruka began to escalate the level of her voice, bringing the attention to her. "You were the one that killed her. You couldn't be responsible! You want all of that? You can't because you're the one that took all of that away from us! You took mother's life and you've drained my life. What more could you want?!" Haruka pushed her father into a car that had been parked next to the street. "What more could you want!?" Haruka felt tears fell down the side of her cheek.

"I-- I--" Haruka's father stuttered.

"Don't give me that! You took away my childhood! You took away mom, you took away our family. And yet, you sit her and wallow in self pity!" Haruka pushed her father against the car once again. He tried to hug her. He wanted to make her pain go away but she had enough. "I hate you!! You took everything away from me. No one feels sorry for you because you did kill her. You couldn't drive being sober, could you?" Again, Haruka found herself pushing her father into the car. "You couldn't!" Finally, Haruka walked away. She was done with the conversation. There was nothing left she could say to him; nothing that would matter anyways.

The walk home was harsh. Haruka felt the cold snow reshaping her thoughts. She knew she had been way too ruthless with her father's emotions. And while he always tried to play these games, she couldn't blame him for how much suffering he had to endure. Needless to say, she was ready to apologize because she knew that she had been a complete jerk about the situation.

"Dad --" Haruka opened the door and stopped when she had walked in. "Dad?" Haruka felt her knees get weak as she hit the floor. The sight before her was enough to cause her breathing to become erratic and she felt like she was losing her breath. 'What have I done?' Haruka closed her eyes, succumbing to absolute darkness.

----

"Well hi there, Haruka." Haruka opened her eyes, confused as to where she was. Standing next to her was a man in a white suit and for some reason, she got the feeling that she was in a hospital. "I'm glad to see that you're awake."

"Where's my --" Haruka felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry yourself with anything, not now. It might be better to--"

"Where's my dad?" Haruka tried to get up but was surprised to feel the doctor try to hold her down. "Answer me! Where is he?"

"Haruka, stop!" The doctor struggled to keep the blonde at bay. "Do you really want to know?"

"YES!" Haruka wanted to throw the idiot of a doctor off of her. That's when she noticed other nurses and doctors come in to help with the situation. "Tell me where he is."

"He's gone!" The doctor finally yelped, pulling away from the grip of Haruka. "When he recovered from the cuts, he took his things and left."

"Left?" Haruka couldn't believe the words she was hearing. "Why would he leave?"

"I don't know. He didn't say where he was going. He simply left." The doctor motioned for his help to leave the room. "Haruka, I need to ask your age."

"18." Haruka replied, dumbfounded.

"Well, you're old enough to be on your own. You should start thinking of how you're going to take care of yourself."

----- End of Flash Back -----

Not this year

Haruka remembered all too well how Christmas went every year and being surrounded by people who loved her was something she hadn't experienced before. There were tears of happiness she wish she could have shed. Then again, she was sure it would best if she didn't show so much excitement - she might give off the impression that she is falsely happy. Haruka sighed inwardly. 'It feels like I'm walking on egg shells.' Maybe she could, for the sake of the others, pretend to be happy. 'Yeah, that's it. I'll just pretend to be happy and hopefully I'll get through the night okay.' After all, it didn't seem fair for her to ruin their Christmas with her memories.

The blonde faked a few smiles, laughed one too many times and suddenly she became self-conscious as to what the others were thinking of her. Normally she never felt this way, normally she controlled the situation, but today… today she didn't control anything. No, instead, she was victim of the memories that haunted her. 'I can't do this. I have to get out of here.'

Not this year

Haruka glanced at the door a few times, hoping Mamoru wouldn't stand so close to it. 'He's not going to move.' Haruka looked up the stairs to the second floor of Michiru's house and decided that was her next best place. 'I better go before I trouble them.' Haruka found a few moments to sneak out and hurry up the stairs.

Not this year

After a walk on egg shells with her friends, Haruka found the upstairs bathroom to be just as she wanted it to be: empty. The blonde stood in front of the mirror, unwilling to admit that she was a total wreck.

When I look into the mirror
No happiness is present here
Not supposed to whine,
Not supposed to cry
Try to hold it in, but not this time

'Quit being a child, Haruka. You can do this.' Haruka tried to make herself look less like a wreck and more like herself. "I can do this." The blonde looked in front of the mirror, talking to herself. If anything helped to get over sadness, it was to laugh. But even so - she couldn't laugh - all she could think of was Michiru. There was something about thinking of her that put Haruka's mind to rest. She was sure if she found Michiru that they could talk. Couldn't they?

I can't, I can't
I can't, I can't take it

This is the time to smile,
I can't fake it

They had to talk. It felt like she was holding the weight of the world on her shoulders. There wasn't anyone else she could run to and not feel guilty for doing so. She hated relying on people but Michiru wasn't the same as everyone else. Michiru would help her and if she couldn't, she would at least listen. 'Right?'

Please allow me the chance now
To break it down

"Mamoru, where is Michiru?" Haruka asked when she went back downstairs. "Is she in the kitchen?"

"No, right before you came she went to her room to get ready. I can only imagine she's still up there."

Haruka laughed to herself. In the half an hour that she had arrived she had expected Michiru to come out of the kitchen to meet her… but she knew why she hadn't now… 'Always got to look pretty…' Haruka practically ran up the stairs, checking all of the rooms but being cautious in doing so… she wouldn't want to walk in on Michiru changing… 'Or maybe I want to but only with her permission.' Haruka grinned again. She was relieved to see that thinking of Michiru was already having an effect on her mood.

It's not snow, It's rain coming down
And the lights are cool,
But they burn out
And I can't pull off the cheer

"Michiru?" Haruka had walked into the right room but was entirely surprised to see what she saw. "Michiru?" This time she whispered, inaudibly. From across the room, it looked as if the smaller girl was crying. Without having time to think of the situation, Haruka ran to her side and pulled her into her own arms. The blonde didn't need words to tell her that Michiru had been crying, the quiet sobs of Michiru were enough.

Not this year
Not this year
Not this year

There were so many comforting words she wanted to say. There were so many times she comforted other people, why was it so hard to say the things that she wanted? Why was it so hard to let those words come freely from her mouth as a never ending supply of advice and encouragement?

'Michiru … please don't cry.' Haruka thought as she held the smaller girl tighter. 'It breaks my heart to see you cry.' Haruka was sick with worry, in all honesty. Nothing had scared her more than to see her angel cry. Michiru had only done it once in her life and that was just before death. Something equally painful must have happened to her and that's what bothered the tall blonde. 'If anyone hurt you Michiru, they'll be wishing they never even met you.' Haruka felt Michiru cling on to her as if it were her last breath and the blonde became overwhelmed with grief and anxiety on her friend's behalf.

"Gomen, Ruka."

Don't know, don't know
If you can hear me
I will, I will
Speak louder for you

'Ruka?' The name spun madly within the blonde's thoughts as she waited for another response from Michiru. Ruka was an intimate way of addressing her. And while the word sounded ever so sweet coming from Michiru's mouth, Haruka knew that no implications were made by Michiru's intimacy.

No more whispering
Are you listening
I am pleading
I am pleading

"Please don't mind me. I don't mean to bother you. I didn't think anyone would come to find me for quite some time." Michiru admitted as she began to calm herself down.

"You should have known that I would. A half hour without you is eternity to me." Haruka whispered into the other girl's ear.

Michiru's heart skipped a beat. 'Does she really mean that? Or is this another charm she uses on every girl?' The aqua-haired girl didn't want to move, though she knew Haruka would think it odd if she tried to seek an embrace when she didn't need one. 'Haruka feels so warm. I've been held by a guy before but this doesn't come anywhere close.' Michiru could feel how much distress she was causing the blonde by how tight she was being held. 'I should tell her I'm fine.'

"Please, Haruka. I'm fine." Michiru tried to push the other girl off but found the blonde wouldn't budge.

"I'm not leaving." Haruka asserted without having Michiru to ask her to. "I would never leave you like this."

Another tear found its way down Michiru's cheek.

I can't, I can't
I can't, I can't take it
This is the time to smile,
I can't fake it

Why did it seem that Haruka always seemed to know exactly what to say?

Michiru had to be strong. There was no question about it. Haruka was being her strength… for now… but she had to overcome this.

Flashes of her mother set into Michiru's mind. She had given everything to Haruka or least tried to. She even gave up the ring her mother had given her. That was something she would never do for anyone, anyone except Haruka. But now, she couldn't help but feel she severed the ties between her and her mother. Michiru would soon forget her. All too soon.

Please allow me the chance now
To break it down

Michiru would have gone on forever lamenting the loss of her mother until Haruka squeezed her tightly, bringing her back to the real world. Michiru's gaze was averted to her window. The weather outside was gloomy much like how she felt now. Michiru sighed, if there was anything that she wanted to ask Haruka, it was what she wanted to ask now.

It's not snow, It's rain coming down
And the lights are cool,
But they burn out
And I can't pull off the cheer

"Haruka, will you promise to do something for me?" Michiru pleaded to the point of tears but none would come out.

"Hai, for you, anything." Haruka submitted to Michiru's request.

"Don't ask me what happened. Pretend as if this never happened. Walk with me downstairs, without tears and a smile. Pretend with me for a couple hours." Michiru pulled out of Haruka's embrace to find a very distressed blonde. "Pretend with me." Michiru held out her hand to Haruka.

The blonde wanted to refuse to allow Michiru to play this game. She would only hurt herself in the end. Even though she wasn't one to talk, Haruka knew the best way to handle this would be to talk about it.

"Michiru--"

"Haruka, please." Michiru didn't want to hear the blonde's logic. She only wanted to have her way this one particular time. No questions, no objections.

There was a hint of pain in Michiru's eyes. One that Haruka didn't like to see. The blonde glanced over to the window. 'Do it Haruka. She needs you right now. Even if she doesn't tell you later… you'll at least have helped her to the best of your ability.' Haruka would do anything to eliminate that pain. She would do anything to replace that pain with happiness… she would even take the pain from Michiru and make it hers.

Haruka sighed inwardly. How many times had she found herself in Michiru's shoes? How many times did she run away? How many times did she give up? How many times were necessary? How many? Could she deprive Michiru of running away?

Not this year
Not this year
Not this year

'No. I could never do that. We all need to run at some point.' Haruka nodded as if making her decision; she took Michiru's hand into hers, grasping it tightly for reassurance.

I can't, I can't

If Michiru wanted to run then Haruka would run with her.