Theme 21: Stockings

Has anyone else ever noticed how not foot-shaped they are?

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Kakashi had a bad habit of messing up holidays. Thinking back on it, actually, he sometimes wondered why Iruka had stayed with him.

For New Years, Kakashi decided that it would impress Iruka (whom he was flirting with on a regular basis, but hadn't worked up the courage to ask out yet) if he put on a firework display, using his various copied jutsu. Luckily, both nin had come out with light singeing, and Shinobi insurance covered most of the damage.

Then for Valentine's Day, Kakashi had spent the whole day antagonizing over the decision to give Iruka chocolates. Sure, the rule was for girls to give chocolate to guys on Valentine s Day, and guys to give chocolates to girls on White Day, but what did one do if there were two guys exchanging gifts? Kakashi would convince himself Iruka would be offended if he was given a gift on Valentine's Day, only to talk himself out of it (what if Iruka expected a present from him, and Kakashi disappointed him by not delivering?). At the end of the day, three minutes until midnight, Kakashi had broken in to Iruka's apartment, woken up the slumbering ninja, and shoved the cheap box of chocolates into his hands (that was all that was left at the store by the time the Copy Nin had made a decision, and he'd even had to fight for that). Iruka had sleepily told him he didn't care what day the jounin gave him candy, and it'd be really great if he could either ask him out or let Iruka get back to sleep. By the time Kakashi got his thoughts organized enough to express, Iruka was slumped back in his bed, snoring softly. Kakashi asked him out the next day, on the less romantic February 15th (the day of Lupercalia and Canadian Flag Day).

On White Day, Kakashi decided to try his hand at baking, to make Iruka a home-made treat. Hey, he was a guy, so he figured he needed to give the traditional White Day gift (plus, he loved giving Iruka chocolates, especially since he usually got a nice, chocolaty kiss in return). Now, Kakashi has an undeniable talent with a knife, and is particularly adept at setting things on fire. Somehow, to the surprise of all, these talents didn't translate well in the art of cooking. On the bright side, Kakashi had had a nice sunroof and an open balcony where his kitchen had once been, which he had enjoyed for a few days before Shinobi Insurance came to investigate. His rates went up considerably after that, and Iruka received another box of store-bought chocolates.

Iruka's birthday, May 26th, was a particularly eventful occasion. The two of them were sleeping together by this time, and Kakashi decided that a pair of handcuffs and some other toys would be a perfect gift for his favorite chuunin sensei. He'd broken into Iruka's apartment (yes, he had a key, but breaking in was so much more exciting), stripped down to his dolphin boxers, and chained himself to Iruka's bed. What he hadn't been expecting was for Iruka's friends to throw him a surprise party. Let's just say that Iruka wasn't the first to arrive home, and he definitely wasn't the one who got the biggest surprise.

When Kakashi barely ducked in time to avoid the snow-globe Iruka had launched at him, the Copy Ninja knew he was well on his way to ruining Christmas too.

'I've got to make this Christmas work.' He told himself. He knew how important Christmas was to Iruka, and even if he didn't understand most of the quirky traditions, and even if some of the holiday food was downright nasty, he would do everything he could to make Iruka's Christmas jolly.

MERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMAS

Iruka fumbled with the grocery bags in his arms as he tried to open the door to his apartment. The fruitcake on the top of the load in his arms fell to the ground. Iruka rolled his eyes and left it there. No one ever ate the damned things anyway. It might as well just stay there and make use of itself as a doorstop.

There was still so much to do to get ready for the holiday. He needed to put candles up in his windows, hang wreaths on the doors, put up stockings, watch Christmas specials. He sat his grocery bags down on the kitchen counter and began to put everything into its proper place. He heard cursing in his living room.

"Kakashi, what are you doing in there?" Iruka called. He shoved the eggnog into the refrigerator, tossed the cookie mix into the pantry, and went to investigate. When he saw what his lover was doing, all he could do was raise an eyebrow and stare.

"Well, this is something I can honesty say I never thought I'd see." He remarked. Kakashi stood beside Iruka's bookshelf, a nylon stocking clenched in his teeth and another one hanging precariously off of the shelf. He was trying to secure it with scotch tape. On the floor beside him was a lingerie bag with more assorted hosiery.

"What are you doing?" the chuunin asked, using the low, gentle voice he usually reserved for stubborn eight year olds and crazy people.

"I'm hanging up stockings." Kakashi replied matter of factly. He looked rather proud of himself, at least, until the skimpy nylon piece attached to the bookshelf fell off.

"How do you get these to stay?" He asked. Iruka shook his head. The Copy Nin had no idea…geniuses were so stupid sometimes.

"Kakashi…those aren't the type of stockings we usually hang up." Iruka told him. Kakashi looked up at him in confusion.

"Are they not the right color?" He asked, waving the bright red hosiery in Iruka's face. "I've got green ones too, for me. See, Christmas colors." He proclaimed happily, showing Iruka the rest of the silky pieces in the bag.

"I don't think the clerks in the lingerie store know about Christmas, though, Iruka." Kakashi revealed. "They all looked at me weird when I went in to buy these. They said they didn't stock male Christmas stockings. Will these be okay?" The jounin bounced up and down like an excited puppy, eager for approval.

"You do know I already have stocking for us, Kakashi." Iruka said gently.

"Where? I couldn't find them anywhere. That's why I had to go out and buy these." Iruka tilted his head in the classic confusion pose.

"They're right here, Kakashi. On top of the pile. What did you think these were?" Iruka picked up the red and white fuzzy Christmas stockings, one stitched with Iruka's name, and one freshly sewed for Kakashi.

"Those? Those can't be stockings." Kakashi told Iruka surely. Iruka merely crossed his arms.

"Oh?" He said.

"First of all, those aren't foot-shaped. Do you know anyone with feet that stubby, legs that thick, or soles that slope at that angle? Look." Kakashi snatched the 'Kakashi' stocking and tried to put his foot inside. It was indeed an awkward fit.

"Also," the jounin continued, still in full-blown debate mode, "there is only one of them. It is a widely known fact that stockings come in pairs." He waved the two bright green nylons as examples.

"Kakashi, I swear to you, these are Christmas stockings. No one hangs up real stockings any more. You put up one of these, and on Christmas day it gets filled up with candy.

Kakashi's unmasked face fell. Iruka hadn't seen his boyfriend that sad since the announcement came that the next Icha Icha book was going to be delayed half a year. The Copy Nin let the Christmas colored lingerie drop to the ground, and he refused to look higher than his feet.

"I messed things up again…" He mumbled. "Every time I try to help…"

Iruka had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. Pouty Kakashi looked so cute and forlorn, the chuunin couldn't help but rush forward and wrap his arms around him.

"You didn't mess up. These are perfect." Iruka assured him. Kakashi shook his head.

"They're not Christmas-y. Maybe you should just hang up the real stockings without me. I'll go see if I can return these to the store." Kakashi muttered, gathering up his lacy red and green stockings into the bag.

"Kakashi, your stockings are fine. Come on, help me hang them up?" Iruka asked.

"But…these aren't the right ones. They aren't traditional." Kakashi said, although he looked a little brighter.

"Well, the tradition is to hang them up in front of a fireplace, which I don't have, so we can only be so traditional anyways. We'll use these ones this year and my normal ones next year, ok?" Iruka offered. Kakashi nodded eagerly.

The two hung up their women's stockings (two apiece, which Iruka did admit made more sense, seeing as both of them did, in fact, possess two feet), and stood back to admire their work.

"It looks nice." Kakashi said. He sounded a little surprised.

"Yes, it does." Iruka agreed.

"Too bad we don't have a real fireplace." Kakashi speculated.

Iruka nodded. "Yes. I've always wanted to have sex in front of a roaring fire place. But I guess that's one Christmas wish that isn't going to come true."

MERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMAS

Kakashi let the roll of tape drop from his hands. His eyes dimmed over like they always did when he was scheming. Iruka excused himself to go fetch the candles. Kakashi stayed in place, staring at the nylon covered bookshelf. Where could he find a fireplace in Konoha?

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Tune in next time to see Kakashi's quest for a fire place.

And a warning: if you do an internet search for male stockings, all you get is porn. I thought that since stockings used to refer to just a type of long sock, there would be a man-version that Kakashi might be able to get his hands on. Nope, all you get is guys in panty-hose and thongs. I feel so…impure.

On a lighter note, the thought of Clueless Kakashi at the lingerie store makes me happy.