Theme 22: Home

After spending four days scouring the village, Kakashi came to a conclusion: Konoha had a distinct lack of fire places. Considering they lived in the Fire Country, Kakashi thought this was rather hypocritical.

'Curse our perennially temperate climate!' Inner Kakashi shouted as he hopped from roof to roof. According to logic, if there were any fireplaces around here, they would have to have some sort of chimney. Alas, while Kakashi stumbled over ventilation shafts, drainage pipes, and clothes lines, no chimneys were to be found.

Kakashi wasn't about to give up, though. Sex was on the line. Failure was not an option. For perhaps the fifth time that day, Kakashi considered using an illusionary jutsu to create the appearance of a fireplace. 'But no, that wouldn't work' he reminded himself. 'Those types of jutsu require concentration. It'd be impossible to hold once we started…'

Kakashi had, early on in his quest to find a fireplace, turned to the source of ultimate knowledge. Sadly, though, despite carrying the entire Icha Icha series and special holiday edition, had a depressing deficit of 'Fireplace Building for Dummies' books. The closest he could find was a child's craft book, detailing how to make a replica fireplace with popsicle sticks and string. Kakashi doubted Iruka would be impressed with that.

There was always the hope that a chimney, along with a corresponding hearth, would spontaneously generate on the rooftops.

"Kakashi, man, you're still out here?" A smug voice asked behind him. Kakashi turned around. Great, Genma and Raido had arrived.

"What are you looking for, anyways?" Raido asked. "Shouldn't you be with your scary little sensei, bakin' cookies or something?"

Really, he should have been. In these past few days, Kakashi had barely seen his lover. Now it was Christmas Eve and he was still out on his fruitless hunt.

"We can help, you know." Genma urged. The senbon in his mouth twitched as he talked. Kakashi bet he was dying to know why the Man of a Thousand Jutsu had been hanging out on the roof for the last four days.

"Like you helped with the stockings? No thanks." Kakashi growled. Genma gasped and pretended to act offended.

"Hey, you asked where you could get stockings, and I told you. You found some at that store, didn't you?" He asked.

"Iruka told me that they sell the right kind of stockings in practically every other store in Konoha around this time. You sent me to that lingerie store just to get your kicks."

Genma nodded his concession. "Yeah…but you have to admit, that salesgirl's face was priceless when you asked her if those bright red stockings would suit Iruka-sensei!" Genma chuckled as he recalled the experience. Kakashi glared. He stepped past Genma and laid a hand on Raido's shoulder.

"Maybe you can help me." He told the scarred man.

"Hey!" Genma shouted, angry at having been ignored and passed over.

"Sure, Kakashi. How can I help?" Raido asked, ignoring his lover's pouting.

"I need to find a chimney." Kakashi revealed. Raido blinked. Kakashi said nothing.

"May I ask why?"

"So I can find a fireplace." Kakashi replied mysteriously.

"Is there a reason you need a fireplace?" Raido pressed.

"It's for the most important reason of all." Kakashi said. Raido looked confused.

"For sake?" He asked. Kakashi shook his head.

"Then why?"

"It's for sex, Raido." Genma answered for Kakashi. Other people generally misunderstood the perverts of the village, but they shared a certain comradery, and they shared a language of perversity that some of the more innocent villagers missed out on. Kakashi had forgotten that before Raido had started dating Genma, he had been relatively naïve, and was still new to the way of the perv.

"Ohhh." Raido gasped with dawning realization. "That sounds pretty serious. I don't know of any fireplaces, though, unless you count the blacksmith's forge." Kakashi had been grasping at straws for his entire search. The blacksmith's place sounded as good as any to check out.

"Thanks, Raido." He said, and hopped off toward the forge.

MERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMAS

"Excuse me, Raido-san, Genma-san. Have you seen Kakashi anywhere?" Iruka called when he saw Kakashi's two partners in crime walking down the street together. Kakashi had barely been home since they had hung their stockings together, and the chuunin was starting to wonder what was going on. Kakashi had been known to shirk his responsibilities to help Iruka decorate sometimes, but he'd never been gone for four days before, not without telling him.

"I think he's headed to the blacksmiths." Raido told him. The two jounin eyed Iruka and giggled. What was going on?

"What is Kakashi doing?" the sensei asked, more to himself than to the other two nin. He was surprised when Genma answered him.

"He told us he was looking for a fireplace." He said smugly. Iruka flushed.

"Oh…is that so." He mumbled, embarrassed. "I'd better be going, then…" the chuunin trailed off and turned quickly. The jounin giggled between themselves once more.

MERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMAS

Kakashi trudged away from the blacksmith's forge, utterly depressed. Yes, there was a roaring fire inside, but it was just his luck that the one fireplace he found in Konoha was located in the least romantic setting possible. There was no furniture, the floors and walls were made of rough stone, and the building itself was kept unbearably hot. He was still sweating from the immense heat…

Kakashi was starting to wonder where he could get his hands on popsicle sticks and string.

MERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMAS

Iruka ducked out of a store with a bag gripped tightly in his arms. Now he just needed to find his lover.

He still blushed a little when he thought about Kakashi's search for a fireplace for him. It was pure Kakashi: undeniably pervy, but almost touching and romantic. The Copy Nin was wandering around, out in the cold, trying to make Iruka's Christmas wish a reality. At least in this attempt to help, Kakashi hadn't destroyed anything…

MERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMAS

Kakashi decided the only thing that could make him feel better (that didn't involve him returning home in defeat) had an orange and pink cover, started with an Icha Icha and ended in Paradise. He buried his face in his book and let his body wander around on autopilot.

He ran into Iruka with a smack.

"Iruka, what are you doing here?" He asked. His chuunin wrapped his arms around Kakashi and nearly hugged the breath out of him.

"I came looking for you. It's Christmas Eve; did you think I was going to let you roam around free today?" Kakashi hugged Iruka back, and felt something crinkling between their bodies.

"What's that?" He asked. Kakashi pulled away from Iruka and spotted a shopping bag that had been crushed between them. "Oh, what's in the bag?" He asked. Iruka snatched it away and held it behind him to keep Kakashi from peering inside.

"You'll find out later. It's time for you to come home now." Iruka told him. Kakashi looked away.

"Iruka, I-" he started to protest, before Iruka placed a finger over his masked lips.

"I know what you've been trying to do, Kakashi. It's sweet, but you aren't going to be able to find a fireplace in Konoha." The chuunin whispered to him.

"But…I wanted to make your Christmas wish come true." Kakashi pouted.

Iruka smiled at him. "How about this: next year, you can use some of that jounin pay of yours and take us somewhere else for Christmas, somewhere cold where it actually snows and every room has a fireplace. Sound good?" Iruka offered. Kakashi smiled.

"Sounds perfect." He said. Iruka smiled again.

"Good. Now, I want you to come home."

Kakashi started to follow Iruka, before he remembered something. "Shit! I'll be there in a few minutes, Iruka. I've got to stop by my place. I promised Pakkun and the other dogs I'd get them steaks for Christmas dinner, and they'll never let me forget it if I don't deliver."

Iruka nodded, and then gave Kakashi one of the most seductive smirks the Copy Nin had seen outside of cheap porn flicks. "Fine. Hurry home, though. I've got a present waiting for you." The chuunin turned and walked off, and Kakashi could've sworn that the man was putting an extra sway in his step. Maybe that was just the Iruka-deprivation talking, though. He had been away for four days…

Kakashi rushed to the butcher's and bought seven steaks, and sprinted back to his apartment, wondering briefly when that place had ceased to be 'home' for him. Undeniably, home was Iruka's place now, although he couldn't pinpoint a time when the transition had occurred. Oh well, he didn't have time to dwell on it. Iruka and his mysterious present were waiting.

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Um, are you guys too pure for a little Yule-time porn? If you are, the next installment might not be for you…

The Way of the Perv is kinda like the Way of the Jedi, only…better.