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"I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you."-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

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Chapter 10

Trip's ears felt like they were full of white noise; his vision swirling and fuzzy. He reached behind him with a hand, aimlessly trying to find a chair before he fell to the floor. It felt as though the floor had disappeared from beneath him, and he was seconds away from floating into the galaxy. The only thing keeping him in the ship was T'Pol's hands that were gripping his elbows with surprising strength. Even if he was in an air lock that opened suddenly, he doubted that he would have been sucked out.

"Trip, I am going to guide you into the chair now. Please do not resist." T'Pol said in a tone that held absolutely no room for argument. He felt like a reprimanded child as she pushed him gently backwards until he felt the back of his legs hit a chair; she guided him into the chair, not letting go of his elbows until he was fully seated. Only then did she pull back slightly to get a full view of his face. "You appear flushed." She commented. Trip chuckled humorlessly; then sighed and leaned his head back against the chair that was mercifully soft.

"Ya don't say." He did in fact, feel faint. How had she expected him to react? He sighed. He knew how she had thought he would react; like a Vulcan. He lifted his head back up, to find her farther away, just out of reach. She appeared to have picked up his overwhelming emotions. Her face was impassive; a front, he knew. "I…" he hesitated, licking his lips. He leaned forward, playing his elbows on his knees. "I just need some time to process this, ok?" Her expression did not change, but he felt some concern…and something else he couldn't pin point emanating off her. She nodded curtly, and without another word, left the room.

XXXXXX

12 Hours Earlier

"Hey, remember Trellium -D?" Malcolm asked without preamble, plopping his tray on the table. Trip looked up at the sound, nodding.

"Yeah, of course. It could've helped us in the Expanse, if only Vulcans didn't lose their goddamn minds around it." He shuddered, remembering the fate of the crew of the Seleya. "Why do ya ask?" Malcolm held up a finger as he gulped down a mouthful of his lunch.

"Well, I was just commandeered by Phlox for an hour talking about a study from Starfleet headquarters about the stuff. I learned way more than I ever cared to." Trip suppressed a grin. He had been caught many times in the Phlox trap of talking about new findings or research studies. He was just glad it wasn't him this time. "Apparently, it has an addictive element to it. For Vulcans anyway."

"What do ya mean? It completely disintegrated their neural pathways, and then turned them into beings that tore each other limb from limb. How could that be addictive?" Malcolm shrugged.

"I'm just saying what Phlox was going on about, the bits I caught, anyway. I guess it's like humans used to use drugs like heroin or cocaine. Not good for them, but feels good. Scientists reckon if it was available in quantities that could be distributed, it would be on the streets on Vulcan and Earth right now." Trip shook his head. He had not seen the crew on the Seleya, but he had heard the stories; and how T'Pol had been affected had shaken the captain for months. He couldn't believe anyone would want to feel that, even if for a 'rush' or whatever.

"What does it do, in small quantities? I know what it does in the Expanse." Malcolm half shrugged.

"Gives them the ability to express their emotions? Or makes it so they can't suppress them? Something like that." Malcolm squinted his eyes, "I think Phlox said that some Vulcans might even think it helps them connect with humans more easily." Something in that phrase made Trip's heart rate increase. He swallowed.

"Connect, how?" Malcolm did not answer, but raised his eyebrows suggestively. Trip felt dizzy suddenly. "That's all I caught." Malcolm didn't notice that Trip's stare had gone blank. "Well, see you on the bridge."

XX

11 Hours Earlier

The doors to the sick bay opened with a WHOOSH, and Trip's footsteps were anything but light. "Doc, I gotta talk to ya." He said with barely contained rage. Dr. Phlox, who had been attending another patient turned slightly, and motioned to a bed.

"Please take a seat Commander, and I will attend to you after I have seen to this patient." Phlox then turned back to his patient, ignoring the Commander. Trip huffed with frustration, but did as he was told. There was no point in arguing. Phlox was the boss in his sick bay, even over the captain. That did not stop him from pacing back and forth for what felt like hours, until the doctor's head popped around the curtain. Trip came to a full stop upon seeing Phlox, his hands in tight fists at his side. The doctor approached him cautiously, as if approaching a wild animal that may attack at any sudden movement. "How may I assist you, Commander Tucker?"

"Ya know what I'm here to ask." He said through gritted teeth, his rage seething underneath. Phlox to his credit, looked flabbergasted.

"I'm afraid I do not, can you please enlighten me?" Phlox folded his hands over his stomach, and raised an eyebrow as he watched the young Commander attempt to get enough control over his emotions to articulate what he wanted to convey.

"I wanted to ask ya about Trellium-D."

Ah. Phlox expected the commander would come to speak with him sooner or later. The commander was exceptionally perceptive, especially in regards to T'Pol. "What did you want to ask, Commander?" he answered finally. Trip folded his arms over his chest.

"Did T'Pol use Trellium-D?" That was classified information, as Trip well knew. Phlox would keep confidentiality between himself and his patient, so Trip wasn't expecting a direct answer. However, he knew the doctor well enough to sense when he was uncomfortable, and he was going to push his luck to try to get those answers.

"Commander, as you well know, I cannot disclose patient information due to doctor-patient confidentiality." Trip licked his lips.

"Did she use it in the Expanse?" No answer. "Is that why she was suddenly more emotional?" No answer. "Is that how we ended up together; because a drug made her more willing?!" Trip felt his voice raising with each question that went unanswered. He didn't even know if he wanted the answers.

Phlox's voice was calm as he finally responded to the Commander. "I cannot give you answers, Commander. Perhaps you should ask the one who can." Phlox finally approached, having sensed that the Commander's feelings were now fear, rather than anger. He placed a placating hand on Trip's shoulder. "Everything will be alright."

"Will it?" Trip sighed.

XX

3 Hours Earlier

He had avoided talking with T'Pol all day. It was easier than one would think. She was mostly on the bridge, and if she happened to need to call down to engineering there was always another engineer available to answer. The chief engineer wasn't needed to answer every question after all. It wasn't that strange, or so he tried to tell himself. She wouldn't suspect a thing.

"Commander." Trip jumped at the sound of her voice. 'Damn my human ears.' She must have learned that light walking from her days in the Vulcan Ministry of Security. He turned cautiously to face her. T'Pol was standing in the middle of the hallway; Trip's engineers conveniently looking at screens on the far end of the hallway out of earshot. She didn't have to say a word; he knew why she was in engineering. Even if she wasn't suspicious of him not answering the comm, he couldn't hide those damn emotions from her, even with her training him to block them. She had told him that even with him blocking his emotions from her with his mind walls, she might be able to pick up at least fifty percent of the feelings. He tried to not think about Trellium-D and the thoughts and feelings it brought up; but mechanics can only distract him so much. He must have let too much slip out and distracted her. He motioned for her to come closer, and they faced the wall together before he spoke in hushed tones.

"Look, I'm sorry if I distracted ya with my feelins or whatever." She raised a curious eyebrow. "I can't talk about it now. But I promise, after our shifts are over, I'll talk to ya. In private." She searched his face, and he let her. Finally, she nodded.

"Very well, Commander."

XX

1 Hour Earlier

T'Pol tipped her head sideways at Trip, a movement that he would normally find adorable. At this moment, he found it infuriating. "Did. You. Take. Trellium-D?" She tilted her head again. Trip set his jaw, a muscle twitching. He could feel his face and ears becoming red, but was doing his best to contain the anger boiling inside him. T'Pol looked back at him, her eyes guarded in a way he hadn't seen in a long time; not with him, anyway. She took a deep breath.

"Yes." She whispered. Trip cupped his hand against his ear.

"What was that?" he was certain he had heard her incorrectly, because if she had said yes, she must be out of her mind. T'Pol now set her own jaw.

"I said, yes."

"YOU COULD HAVE DIED!" Trip could not contain the outburst, his rage reaching the point that could no longer be contained, even with him trying every Vulcan trick T'Pol had tried to teach him. "WHAT COULD HAVE POSSESSED YOU?! YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SELEYA!" T'Pol flinched. She was beginning to look uncomfortable as Trip edged closer and closer to his deepest fear. "Were you taking Trellium-D when we…" he gulped… "when we… had sex for the first time?" T'Pol did not respond.

Trip's ears felt like they were full of white noise; his vision swirling and fuzzy. He reached behind him with his hand, aimlessly trying to find a chair before he fell to the floor….

XXX

He must have sat there for a whole hour, frozen. It all made sense. T'Pol had always been more emotional than other Vulcans, but she had suddenly become more open with him, even flirty. At the time he had attributed those changes to the stress of being in the Expanse, on a mission to save Earth; and from being around only humans for months on end. That could affect anyone.

T'Pol had taken drugs. T'Pol had changed her neuropathways. T'Pol had given herself to him when she was out of her mind.

With little warning, he ran to his trashcan; heaving any and all contents of his stomach into it. Breathing heavily, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Where were they going to go from here?

XXX

He couldn't sleep. He was going over and over the fact that T'Pol had been addicted to Trellium-D. How had he not seen it?

Even before they got together, when he was nursing a crush, he knew her. He knew that she wasn't as cold as everyone thought. He knew the slight movements that indicated when she was irritated or found something amusing. Other than the Captain, he counted her as his closest friend. And yet, he hadn't seen it. How had he not seen it?

He rolled onto his back, accepting his fate that sleep was not going to happen tonight. He placed his arms under his head, and stared up at the ceiling. The thing that was haunting him the most; were he and T'Pol only together because of a drug?. If that was true, then they were a lie. And that's something he couldn't live with.

'Trip.' Trip heard his name distantly, as if spoken from miles away. 'Trip.' He felt a gentle shove to his back. He was being pulled back into consciousness, although he didn't remember falling into unconsciousness. Wait a minute… he knew that voice… he wasn't certain he was ready to confront that voice yet. Being pulled more and more into consciousness, his fear and anxiety grew. If he kept his eyes closed, he didn't have to face reality. "Trip." Damn. Sighing, he finally opened his eyes.

"I'm awake." He felt her move, presumingly to give him room. If this was how she wanted to do this, then this was the way to was going to happen. He first rolled over so that he was staring at the ceiling, and then he propped himself up with his elbows, scooting into an upright position. He was surprised to find her not on the bed, but sitting in the chair in front of the desk "Why are ya here?" it came out much sharper than he meant and he winched at his tone.

"Captain Archer was concerned after you were late for your bridge shift, and did not answer the comm."

"T'Pol what are ya talking about? I just worked last night; my shift today hasn't started yet." She stared at him as though he had missed an important test, or some kind of important social cue. "What?" She contemplated her next words carefully, lowering her eyes from his face to the floor.

"When you did not answer the comm, the Captain asked me to find you."

'Okay, and?' He thought; T'Pol looked up sharply. Right, she could sense his sarcasm. He raised a hand, motioning for her to continue.

"That was several hours ago. I attempted to wake you up, but could not." Oh. She had come because she was worried about him. That would have been nice, except for the information he knew now. He breathed in and out, trying to calm his now racing heart. T'Pol watched him silently from her seat.

"I couldn't fall asleep last night. I musta passed out sometime this mornin'." He said wearily. "I'm sorry that I missed my shift." T'Pol tipped her head. He could feel her uncertainty; she always had trouble knowing how or when to discuss emotional problems. 'Guess we're alike in that way.'

There was a long uncomfortable silence. Trip could feel bile building its way back up his throat. Before he could break the silence T'Pol spoke.

"I did not intend to ever speak of Trellium-D again." Her voice was low. "However; it seems that decision was made for me by others." She was staring forwards, a blank look in her eyes. She did not elaborate.

"Why?" Trip whispered; the word barely audible to himself. Why had she taken it? Why had she never told him? Just… why? T'Pol licked her lips, still staring forwards.

"After being exposed to Trellium-D on the Seleya, I realized I could access my emotions."

"Yeah, like homicidal ones?" Trip asked flippantly. T'Pol's eyes flickered over to him before staring blankly at the wall again.

"Yes. However; as those intense emotions wore off, I realized I could access other emotions." She paused, apparently searching for the right words. "I believed that by accessing these emotions, I could more easily interact with members of the crew."

"Like me?" Trip ventured. T'Pol's eyes flicked to him again, settling on him. His heart sank.

"Connecting with you was one of the reasons, yes." T'Pol's cheeks tinged slightly green, but her gaze remained steady. "Neuropressure had provided time for us to become friends." Trip nodded. It had been awkward at first, but once they had done a few sessions, they found themselves talking rather than sitting in silence. It was during that time that he had developed a full-blown crush on T'Pol, although he hadn't called it that at the time. He had always known she was attractive, anyone with eyes could see that. But during their Neuropressure sessions he realized he liked her as a person too. They had had some of their most intimate conversations during that time; talking about his sister and about their mission. Neither knew if they would come back alive; but knew that even if they didn't, their mission had to succeed or Earth would be decimated. Even during the darkest time in their 'relationship' he thought of those times in her quarters with fondness.

"Then why did you need Trellium-D? We were already friends." T'Pol's cheeks grew even more green. He felt a wave of embarrassment from her, which was odd. She usually did a better job of keeping her emotions from being transmitted through the bond. "You, wanted more?" He guessed curiously.

"I was uncertain of your feelings, or mine. But I found it extremely helpful to be able to access humor and other feelings. I wanted to be able to connect with you, in a way I could not without it." Trip felt sick. "When Sim admitted that he had feelings for me, my suspicions that experimenting with Trillium-D was working were confirmed."

"What do ya mean?" They had spoken about Sim before, albeit briefly. What did a clone of him telling her he had feelings for her have to do with Trellium-D?

"He told me he didn't know if the feelings were his or yours; but they were more serious than a crush." T'Pol said as if reading his mind, which she probably was. Now it was Trip's turn to blush. Damn, he didn't even get to T'Pol that he had feelings for her; his clone did. He had wondered why she had suddenly acted shyly around him. "I had already been experimenting with Trellium-D; his admission informed me that I should continue to use it, as it was assisting me in expressing and connecting with emotions in ways that I could not without it."

Well, fuck. "So… everything… us… was built on Trellium-D?" He braced himself for the answer he knew was coming. Instead, he was met with silence. T'Pol's face was hard, and he couldn't read the expression in her eyes. After a moment, she rose from the chair, and slowly approached the bed. She hesitated at the foot of the bed before gently pushing his covered feet aside and settling into the vacant spot next to them. She began wringing her hands together in her lap, a custom she had picked up over the years; a contrast to her stoic demeanor.

"It is possible that without Trellium-D the bond might not have formed." She finally said, her voice exceptionally calm for such a world-shattering statement. Trip felt his heart breaking. Could someone die from a statement? T'Pol grabbed his foot gently; her touch grounding him in the moment; her eyes meeting and holding his steadily. "Trip…" she said, her voice soft. It was times like this that the bond came in handy. T'Pol appeared to struggle for words, but she was sending calming and warm feelings through the bond; encircling him like a safety blanket; a serene aura encompassing his being. Trip closed his eyes briefly; breathing evenly and deeply. When he reopened his eyes; T'Pol was still staring at him; although the look in her eyes had changed to determination. "I said the bond might have formed because of my Trellium-D addiction; not our relationship." Trip could not help the corner of his lips lifting slightly.

"That sounds an awful lot like the same thing." He said. T'Pol did not falter in her response.

"I have always had more difficulty controlling my emotions than other Vulcans." Trip nodded; her mother had said the same thing to him. "During the course of neuropressure, I began to experience feelings that I did not understand; and attempted to suppress them, but was unable to." She paused, searching for her words. "After the Seleya, as the effects of Trellium-D wore off; I realized what these emotions were, and how to access them. I already had feelings for you, Trip, before Trellium-D; it is not the cause of the feelings." Trip felt cautiously optimistic.

"So… what did ya mean about Trellium-D possibly being the reason for the bond?" He prodded, both excited and terrified for the answer.

"I was not well-versed in Vulcan telepathy at the time. I believed that few Vulcans had the ability, and that I was not one of them." Trip nodded, although he was having trouble following along with what she was getting to. "It may have opened my neural-pathways to form the bond; there is no way to know." That wasn't exactly reassuring.

"Do ya regret it?" Trip made it clear from his tone that he was not just talking about the Trellium-D.

"There are times I wish I had not taken Trellium-D." She paused, then pushed herself closer to him, within arm's length. "I do not regret the bond." She stated plainly. "There is no way to know if Trellium-D is the reason the bond exists. I believe that speculating about it will only cause you distress; with no way to dispel the distress." Trip dryly chuckled at that. He wished he could be as logical as T'Pol. He did, however, reach for her hand that was closest to him, and squeezed it tightly.

XXX

"Do ya ever think how crazy it is that we met?" Trip asked, glancing at his dining companion. Her only response was an eyebrow raise. "I mean, the chances that I would be the chief engineer on the first warp-5 ship; and that you, a Vulcan science officer would happen to join the mission has to be a one in a million."

"I am not certain of the mathematics." T'Pol said before taking a sip of her tea. Trip grinned.

"Add to that, what are the chances that ya'd help me by doing neuropressure; a bond would form, and we'd end up together?" He glanced quickly around the mess hall before leaning in. "What's the math on that?" T'Pol did not respond, but he could feel amusement through the bond they shared. An image came to mind unbidden, causing him to grin widely. "Remember the first time we met; you wouldn't even shake my hand? If I recall correctly, ya also thought I smelled super bad." T'Pol shot him the Vulcan equivalent of an eye-roll.

"I do recall not shaking your hand, Commander. I had just met you and the Captain." He put his hands up in defeat.

"Ya make a good point; I didn't know about touch telepathy." There was a glint in T'Pol's eyes now; though she continued to sip her tea calmly, watching him over the rim of her mug. "I'm just sayin' that it seems like someone or somethin' conspired together so we'd meet. Cause the truth is, it is far more likely that ya'd have stayed on Vulcan, I'd be on Earth, and we'd have never met." T'Pol put her mug down gently on the table.

"Then we should be grateful the mathematics did not add up." Trip grinned fully at that statement. He glanced around again, and, after making sure no one was watching, reached forward to brush her fingers with his. He felt a wave of affection through the bond from her, and smiled.

It was true; the odds they would have met were small; the odds that they would have fell in love, even smaller. He wasn't entirely convinced that Trellium-D wasn't the reason he and T'Pol ended up together. And some part of him was kind of glad she had taken it. 'Cause he honestly couldn't imagine being without her; no matter how cheesy that sounded. T'Pol brushed his hand with her fingertips; and he looked up to meet her eyes.

Yes; sometimes it's best to give things to the universe, and be grateful it conspires against you; especially in regards to love.