Harry: *climbing out of the water* So, where the hell are we?
Dumbledore: This is a cave that Voldemort *thundercrack* discovered when his orphanage was on a field trip at a nearby village.
Harry: They just let a kid wander away from the group?
Dumbledore: He was one of the skinnier ones, he wasn't going to be very profitable for them anyway.
Harry: So, how come we apparated to outside the cave rather than into it?
Dumbledore: Because shut up, that's why *pushes Harry back into the water*
Harry: *coming back to the surface* You know I'm not that strong of a swimmer, right?
Dumbledore: Nonsense, you won that swimming challenge in the Triwizard Tournament a couple of years back, didn't you?
Harry: First of all, I only won because I saved two people. Second of all, I was the last back to the surface. Third, I nearly died. And finally, I had gillyweed at the time.
Dumbledore: Wait, you were on DRUGS?! You should have been disqualified.
Harry: That's not…
Dumbledore: You know what? You deserve to drown for your dishonesty *starts looking like he's about to jump into the ocean*
Harry: Do you really think you can swim with a burnt-up arm? *Dumbledore dives headfirst into the water* Or diving headfirst into what could be shallow… *Dumbledore starts swimming away* Huh, guess he can *follows him*
*in the cave*
Dumbledore: Ooh, that water was cold *pulls out wand* Calidum aerem *his clothes immediately warm up* Ahh, that's better.
Harry: *getting out of the water* Hey, any chance you could use that on me?
Dumbledore: Why would I, CHEATER?
Harry: *already shivering* Yeah, I figured.
Dumbledore: Now, where do we go from here?
Harry: You're sure this is the right place?
Dumbledore: Have I ever been wrong?
Harry: Many times, yes.
Dumbledore: I mean about something important?
Harry: Again, many times, yes.
Dumbledore: AHA! I found it.
Harry: Uh, Dumbledore?
Dumbledore: But it seems like we need something to get through here…
Harry: Hey, Dumbledore?
Dumbledore: I know what I need *pulls out a knife*
Harry: Should have known you weren't going to listen to me.
Dumbledore: *cuts his hand and wipes the blood on the rock* There, that should be enough to get through *nothing happens* Huh, maybe I need more *raises his knife*
Harry: Did you not see this thing right here? *points out a narrow opening that has an arrow carved next to it*
Dumbledore: Stop trying to make me look stupid.
Harry: Trying?
*further into the cave*
Dumbledore: Here we are, the horcrux must be at the middle of that lake.
Harry: Or at the bottom.
Dumbledore: Why would he do that?
Harry: To make it harder to find? I mean, anyone can get to that island in the middle of the lake with enough determination, but finding it at the bottom of a cold, dark lake? That'd make it very difficult to get.
Dumbledore: Nah, the island in the middle is more dramatic. Plus, there's probably zombies or something in the water to guard the thing.
Harry: There's zombies now?
Dumbledore: Or they could just be inferi.
Harry: What's an inferi?
Dumbledore: Basically a zombie.
Harry: And difference is…
Dumbledore: Rowling never made that particularly clear. Something about necromancers using zombie's souls to keep themselves alive or something.
Harry: I thought there was no necromancy in this series?
Dumbledore: There isn't until it's plot convenient.
Harry: Right…I'm just going to Accio the horcrux now *pulls out wand*
Dumbledore: Oh, yeah, like that's going to work.
Harry: ACCIO HORCRUX! *something shoots out of the island in the middle of the lake, only to fall back down on the island*
Dumbledore: Wow, you actually thought that would work?
Harry: With the number of dumb adults I've met, yes.
Dumbledore: Clearly, we have to swim across.
Harry: What about the inferi?
Dumbledore: What about them?
Harry: And what about that boat over there?
Dumbledore: Sure, if you want to go the wimpy way.
*on the island*
Harry: *getting out of the boat* See, was that so bad? Now you don't have to dry your clothes off again.
Dumbledore: Still would have preferred to swim. You could have been bait while I made it to the island.
Harry: Whatever. Let's just get this thing and go.
Dumbledore: Sure. Then I can throw you in the water while I escape.
Harry: *sarcastically* Yippee.
Dumbledore: Now, let's see what we've got here *walks up to the pedestal and tries to reach into a bowl of potion* Huh, I can't get through it.
Harry: So how are we supposed to get the horcrux?
Dumbledore: Simple *pulls out a goblet* I need to drink it.
Harry: I'm surprised you're not making me drink it.
Dumbledore: Hey, getting here was thirsty work *dips his goblet into the potion and starts drinking* OH GOD, WHY WOULD HE PUT THIS HERE?!
Harry: What is it? Some kind of torture potion?
Dumbledore: No…it's worse…IT'S MOUNTAIN DEW!
Harry: That monster.
Dumbledore: Must…keep drinking…so I can destroy…Voldemort's *thundercrack* shit… *takes another goblet and drinks it*
Harry: Ah, sir?
Dumbledore: OH GOD, WHY WOULD HE DO THIS?! *drinking another goblet*
Harry: Sir?
Dumbledore: THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER *drinks another goblet*
Harry: Okay, I'm just going to let this happen.
*later*
Dumbledore: I can't…drink…another drop…it's too painful…
Harry: Sir, you do realise you could have just poured the Mountain Dew on the ground until it was gone, right?
Dumbledore: I doubt…it would…be that…easy…
Harry: Observe *dips goblet into Mountain Dew and tips it on the ground. The basin does not refill what was spilled*
Dumbledore: Why would you…let me do this?
Harry: Would you have stopped me if I was the one doing this?
Dumbledore: No, but…that's not…the point…
Harry: Exactly *grabs the horcrux* Well, we got what we came for, let's get…
Dumbledore: Water…
Harry: What?
Dumbledore: I need some water…
Harry: *sigh* Okay, fine *pulls out his wand* Aguamen…
Dumbledore: No…from the lake…
Harry: Isn't it full of corpses?
Dumbledore: Do it.
Harry: *sigh* I'm gonna die, aren't I? *dips goblet in the water, only for a hand to reach up and grab him* Yep.
Inferi: Eat…flesh…eat…everything…and rape…remains…
Harry: GOOD LORD! This is how I die?!
Dumbledore: Ignis tempestas! *a storm of fire surrounds Harry and Dumbledore* He's MY punching bag, not yours.
Harry: Gee, good to see you care sir.
Dumbledore: No I don't, I just like seeing you suffer. Now, let's get out of here.