Chapter Four

All day long, Severus could not wait for Potions class. He'd never let himself be such a hopeless idiot before, but now, he could not help it. Snape had always suppressed his feeling for Lily Evans, calling her a Mudblood and pretending as though he hated her as much as everyone else he despised.

It was difficult, though, to hate her after the night before. He and Evans- Lily- were on good terms now. Actually, compared to what they were on before, wonderful terms. Besides, pathetic as it was, a girl had never set up time to talk to him. Sure, there had been meetings where false, lazy people wanted answers to tests in DADA, Potions, and about everything else, but Severus knew that last night's happenings were a definite difference.

And, to be honest, he couldn't shake off the idea that she was a little interested, at least. If not, what was the awkwardness at the end about? Why was she so willing to ask about his life? Indeed, this was all hopeful thinking, although Severus finally felt that it was acceptable to be attracted to Lily Evans.

Of course, he had always thought she was physically attractive, but he thought a ton of girls were physically attractive. Still, it had always been Lily who frequented his nighttime urges. To put his fingers through the strands of her long, straight hair… To touch those breasts… Nearly every night, he was taunted by the same less-than-pure images, and would wake up feeling dishonest to his Slytherin peers. Dishonest and disgusting, up in his dorm room, fantasizing and touching himself over a girl he'd never have- a girl who detested him and was so beautiful it was repulsive in the morning.

Now, though, he knew that she was at least a little credible, very intelligent, and wanted to meet with him. This made the urges less pathetic. Well, maybe a little.

Sitting in third period Defense Against the Dark Arts, Severus realised that this was the first time he had not written notes. The first time he had not followed along in a class. His thoughts kept going back to Lily, their conversations, how nice she had been even though he'd pretty much insulted her entire family.

Now quit it, for fuck's sake! he told himself angrily. She's popular, she's nice, and she's dating James Potter. She's too good for you. She doesn't want you. She probably just wants to make James jealous so he'll want her more.

These thoughts, again, could not conquer the former.

-,-

Somehow, Potions finally came, and despite Snape's worries, it was even more fun than before. It was plain to see that their potion was coming together the best of anyone's. Slughorn clapped and laughed joyously every time he passed their table.

James kept sending Severus odious stares, but for once, Severus was not offended at all. Last year I would've had my wand in his face in no time. Maybe because he was sitting with James' girlfriend, and because Lily and he had shared a deep conversation the night before, he felt much more secure than he had in years. And, possibly, a bit haughty.

At the end of class, Lily turned to Snape and asked," Fancy meeting again tonight at the same time?"

"Yes!" Severus answered, perhaps a little too positively, for Lily glanced around.

"How about meeting in front of the tapestry of Uric the Oddball?" she questioned.

Severus studied her with a small smile. "Are you trying to tell me something?" he inquired.

Lily laughed a true, glorious laugh. "That is funny! I didn't know you could be funny like that!"

"It comes and goes," he shrugged, feeling proud. After they had parted, he thought about the tapestry of Uric. Not only was it in kind of a deserted place in the school, but that corridor also led to- Snape's heart began to beat. No. It can't be what she wants. Just a coincidence.

Same as the last evening, he took a bath, and this time he did not keep on his school robes. Clawing though his small chest of drawers, he found some jeans which were not too dingy and pulled them over clean underpants. He put on his school shirt and sweater- they smelled fine- and wondered in the mirror if he looked completely foolish. It had been a long time since he'd left his robes off. They had felt like protection, or something of the sort, until fifth year when Potter had knocked him upside down and-

Severus made a sigh of anguish, clenching his teeth at this horrid memory. At least he'd learned a valuable lesson: Wear trousers underneath your robe even if it is summer. His face reddened as he prayed that Lily had forgotten about that day. Of course, it had been so unique that no one ever would. The shouts, the laughter…

He decided he had better pull his sorry self together, and headed down to dinner, feeling a little naked. Whilst in the Great Hall, he did receive some rather strange looks. He figured he must look like a totally different person without those hot, black robes.

Afterward, he hurried straight to the tapestry to wait for Lily. No one was in sight. Not many classes were taught in this part of the castle. Severus felt even more nervous than he had the previous night.

Right on the nose, Lily entered the corridor where Snape was reading a book.

"Evening, Lily," he greeted, closing it and standing up.

"Evening, Severus," she replied. "Always prepared, aren't you?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, I guess I like to use time wisely."

"I thought we could take a walk up here. It seemed kind of painful to have Pince glaring at us while we were trying to talk."

"Good plan," he returned and waited until she'd began to walk along, opting to follow her. See where she was planning on going.

Severus cleared his throat. Almost seven years he'd known her. Well, known of her. There were so many questions. But he there was one question he was dying to know the answer to.

"How is dating Potter, if you don't mind me asking?" he inquired, trying to sound casual.

Lily gave him a sideways glance, questioning him. "It's fun. He's pretty active and energetic, as you know. We aren't really serious yet-" she shot Severus another look he didn't understand- "or anything like that. We go to Hogsmede, we've attended a few Quidditch games… It's fun," she repeated.

Severus felt more jealous than ever. Active and energetic were not his specialties. He'd much rather be cooped up in a dark corner than enjoy the sunshine or partake in the activities of people much more extroverted than himself. Potter had good looks, popularity, a great relationship with Lily Evans. It was maddening.

"So, what about you?"

"What about me what?"

"Do you fancy anyone, or date anyone?"

He snorted. "No, not really." It was an answer to the second question.

She recoiled. "Oh. Do you want to date anyone?"

"Do you think I want to?" he demanded, knowing he was acting like an annoying jerk.

"Yes," she said simply.

"You just know everything about me, don't you?" he asked snottily.

"I don't know anything about you."

They trudged along, Snape seething over what she had said about Potter, still.

"You don't even like Quidditch," Severus said acidly.

"You're right," she answered crisply.

They walked in silence again, rage wiping through Severus quickly.

"You love him, then." It was a statement. Severus had spoken it without thinking.

She stopped in her tracks, staring. "No. I mean, yes, on some level. I think I could love him, but I am not in love with him. Of course, I wouldn't love the old James. I'd love the James you don't see because of your past with him."

"Past? What about the present? Doesn't that count for anything?" Severus snorted. "He's still horrible to me, maybe in a more quiet way, but he still is!" He was panting now, his voice had risen to an indescribably loud volume- he was shouting at her. He felt so stupid.

"He was worse!" she insisted," and the only reason he keeps it up is because you threaten him!"

"What?"

Lily shook her head. "I didn't mean to say that- we shouldn't talk about this."

"He's threatened by ME?" Snape hooted. "Yeah, that's a good one! All those times he assaulted me and you're speaking about it like poor James Potter is sooo innocent!"

They had started walking again- their pace had become something of a quick jog.

"I'm not saying he is! I'm just thinking that maybe you shouldn't act as though you were always the victim. He was scared-"

-"Scared of what? The fact that I might suddenly get smart and tell Dumbledore?"

Lily stopped walking again and Severus copied.

"He told me he doesn't want to bother you anymore, but he says you provoke him. I know-" she began before Snape could protest-" that you don't think you do anything, but think about what happened yesterday. You are just so angry. Everything makes you mad. Everything used to make you get out your wand and do those frightening bloody jinxes. Wouldn't you be threatened by that?"

Severus was silent. Well, yes. But it isn't the same. I have the right to be angry. And everyone hurts me so I have to let them know I mean business. I have to.

"Why are you so angry?" The livid tone had lost Lily's voice once more. She sounded fraught.

He shrugged, and continued walking.

"Come now, you must know! Is it about your family?"

"Can we not bring them into this?"

"I JUST WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU!"

They both stopped short.

"You do?" Snape asked tentatively, afraid she would laugh in his face.

"Yes, Severus! Always." She looked a little embarrassed, standing there playing with one of her earrings.

"I thought I was threatening," he stated gruffly.

"Maybe that's part of it. You're so mysterious. Everyone in Gryffindor, sure they might talk horribly about you, but it's like an obsession. Snivellus this, Snivellus that. No one quite understands you. And they want to."

This news was certainly strange to Severus. He'd always thought that hating him and talking about him ended with the school day. That when the Gryffindors were together, they completely forgot about every other house. He didn't know why he though this, for he certainly thought and spoke about his other classmates.

"Well," Severus began, feeling like he needed to make her feel like she was 'threatening', too. "Well, you're mysterious in your own way! I mean, yes, you're popular and everyone knows about you and James and everyone respects your little group-thing… but you used to defend me and it frustrated me. Because I wanted to hate you. I mean, it seems so simple. We should hate each other. And yet, here we are, having this conversation and you saying you want to know me! I want to know something about you, though."

"Sure," Lily said, looking confused.

"Try to explain as you will, it just doesn't make sense that you're being nice to me. I'm the school recluse. And you. You're just-" Brilliant. Beautiful. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't tell her. This could be a big joke and then what would happen? "It isn't fair! You seem so nice and friendly, and I just want to know, how can you be dating him?"

It got very quiet, then. If Lily had thought that his answer about fancying people seemed a bit dodgy, now it was crystal clear.

"Severus, does this mean you-"Lily stopped mid-sentence and got a very sad look upon her face. "I thought maybe- but…"

Snape looked at the ground. "Fuck!" he cursed, feeling humiliated to the highest degree. How could I let it slip? 'It's not fair!' What a loser! Fucking LOSER.

And that was when he realised where she had led him. They were standing just beyond the entrance of the Astronomy Tower. Even Snape knew that the sole purpose of the Astronomy Tower- with its pretty architecture and lovely view of the night sky- was to be a place where couples and not-so- couples came to fool around.

Before he could give this any thought, Lily grabbed his arm. "Please! Don't leave!"

"I just told Lily Evans that I- I am so pathetic," he snarled, pulling away. She just wanted to be nice to him. Clear away her guilt before they graduated. And that was all. Now he'd made her perfect life a complicated mess.

"No! I only want you to listen! You aren't pathetic in the least-"

"STOP IT!" he yelled, turning to face her, and what he was about to add he never really knew because at the next moment, gorgeous Lily Evans put her arms around his neck and whispered, " Oh, Severus."

He stood there, shocked. He wasn't sure if he should hug her back, so he did nothing.

"Here," she said helpfully, and placed his hands upon her lower back. She returned her arms to the spot around his neck and stared at him with those green doe eyes.

And unexpectedly, she pressed her lips onto his. He kept staring at her until he felt like a nutter. He finally closed his eyes, but then it was over.

He couldn't believe it. He hadn't even enjoyed it. It was more of a WHAT?

"I don't know," she breathed. "If you don't-"

"I think we should-"

"Yes, me, too."

Severus pulled her back with him against the wall and amidst the summer breeze, he stared into her eyes, uncertain of how to act. Lily initiated a kiss again, this time pushing her lips in with more aggression as he kissed her back this time, amazed at this situation. She tightened her arms around his shoulders and he moved his hands to her hair- they were pressed together closely now.

In an instant, Snape remembered that he was not wearing his robes, and he wanted them desperately for one very obvious reason.

"Oh!" exclaimed Lily in a funny sort of voice.

"I'm sorry! So sorry… Damn it!" Snape proclaimed turning away from her. His face was either very pale, or very red but he couldn't exactly tell.

Unfortunately, at this devastatingly humiliating moment, they heard shuffling outside the tower in the hallway.

Lily moved out of his reach, and gestured to his right. "You take that way, I'll take this way!"

And with that, they scattered.

-,-

Severus Snape slipped into his dorm room around nine o'clock. His lips were still full of her taste, and he's refrained from brushing his teeth in order to keep the feeling there. His heart was pounding in his chest.

This is insanity.

No. This is a malfunction of the utmost level. The world is going to blow up.

He slowly exhaled. It was hard to tell what he was feeling at the moment. Really stunned. That argument had taken a lot out of him. Extremely stupid. He'd slipped up big time and hinted to LILY EVANS that he fancied her. But also, elated, because- well, it was obvious! Lily had kissed him. Nearly three times!

Is that making out? he wondered.

And then, of course, there was utter humiliation. I can't even look up to myself anymore. I can't fucking believe I got stiff in front of her. What a pervert. 'S probably what she thinks, she didn't run from whatever that was, she ran from me and my nastiness. Sick.

He groaned and lay back, staring at the dark canopy and listening to his roommates' breathing.

Wow.

Lily Evans. She kissed me. She… I finally, well, ALMOST, got to totally stroke her hair.

Lily Evans! Lily fucking Evans.

Fucking Lily Evans…

"Nnnmmm…"

Ack! NO! Don't do it…

(Too late.)