Life is now in a quazi-state of good and bad. I don't get women. At all. Period. Why are they so… soo… soooo… !!!! I don't understanddanmitallarrg!
So… maybe life isn't so good yet… my ex girlfriend breaks up with her boyfriend thinking she wants me back and now the damn girl seems to be actually avoiding me!
I just don't understand… Maybe I'm just not cut out for dating? I know I look pretty good… 160 lbs, 5'11" green eyes, sandy hair and a decent muscular build (though no six packs) is my profile. I don't think she finds me unattractive…
Ho hum…
Eh… eh… well… here it goes… I'll continue this comedic little romance once more. Enjoy my words and please feel free to comment on them. Heaven Knows I could use something to cheer me up… Mayhap writing this comedy will make me feel better…
Operation: Love! Bonding the Tigress and the Lily!
Chapter Two: An Almost Planned Date
Tatewaki Kuno was pacing back and forth. The plan was going… well… according to plan. That was well and good. But the real question was how to entice his beloveds?
He knew well how Saotome's curse had affected their beauteous minds. In light of this knowledge, he now understood that to be the reason for their constant rebuffing of his attempts to free them.
However, on occasion the two women seemed to be capable of breaking the spell and joining him temporarily.
He remembered well the date he had with the pigtailed girl almost a year before, when he resurrected the wishing sword's monument to her. He also remembered their vacation to the Island of Togenkyo and how they had broken free enough to accompany him on his voyage into the deep blue.
There were several other instances of course, dear readers, when Ranma Saotome and, or, Akane Tendo accompanied Kuno Tatewaki, but never had it occurred to the fool that they had only done so for their own benefit.
So now he paced, contemplating the words he would use to convince them to attend his… ahem… invitation.
After some time pacing he realized that he would never be able to master his words. He never truly did, and he always operated the best when he let his words run from his heart.
In other words… he'd just wing it and see how it went.
"Surely this will work. It must work…" He said to himself.
"Onward Sasuke! We ride to the Tendo Manor!"
"Yes, Master Kuno…" Sasuke panned. He then looked back and gave a devious wink at the pair of eyes standing just around a small back corner.
The pair of eyes nodded. Then they blinked once or twice. Then they nodded again. They appeared to be glowing with an inhuman flame.
Soon after that a mad, feminine laughter erupted from the mouth below the eyes encased in the darkness of the back corner. The laughter continued, haunting people thousands of miles away. Worms beneath the ground died in terror and the sun faded just a little with that terror-inspiring laugh. Then the laughter faded as the legs attached to the eyes and mouth mentioned above fled… It never quite disappeared though…
Kuno had been watching the whole time. The hair on the back of his neck had risen.
"Sasuke? I think perhaps you should cease in actually acquiring the Candy of the Nose for my sister when she asks. Perhaps you should just bring her some normal sugar instead? She is so much more… tolerable… if you do."
"I… agree master Kuno… I shall do my best…" Sasuke said, visibly shaken. Even Kodachi's laugh wasn't usually that… well…
"Words can no longer describe the terror she invokes in me, Sasuke… Please… if you never obey me again, do this… find my sister a new hobby. Her botany is…"
"I understand perfectly, Master Kuno…"
Kuno turned back towards the road ahead of them. "Now then, back to the plan. Onward!"
Sasuke began to lift and drag the cart carriage Kuno sat atop and slowly dragged it onto the road and towards the Tendo Dojo.
"Akane Tendo! Pigtailed Girl! I— Ooomph!" Kuno exclaimed. A foot protruding from his face made his speech rather quickly ended.
"Not in the mood, Kuno." Akane removed her leg and replied tartly as several teeth fell from Tatewaki's mouth.
"Seriously, Kuno. It's Saturday!" said the fiend Saotome from his position lying prostrate on the roof of the dojo.
"Vile Sorcerer! Surely thou works thy magics on this day! I would'st see both the pigtailed-girl and Akane Tendo. But as always you hide one and leave the other to my sight, bewitched by your devilish spells!" Tatewaki deduced.
Ranma yawned. "Yup."
"So! Thou does't admit to thy sorcery!"
Again Ranma yawned, "Yeah, I did it. All that, er… stuff you just said."
Akane chuckled a bit.
A slight wind flowed to the north, whipping up skirts and hair alike. It was mid-morning on a very lazy seeming day. Birds were chirping and clothes were hanging on the lines out to dry.
A very good day considering it was ten thirty. Usually there was at least one hole in the wall of the Tendo Dojo compound by now.
Kasumi stood just outside the house hanging the remaining bits of laundry out to dry, humming and watching the exchange with mild interest.
"Fine then, sorcerer. I would ask that you would be so kind as to procure the pigtailed girl for me momentarily. We both know that you and I are the bitterest of rivals and I would not stand in your presence any longer than necessary."
Ranma's eyes widened. Akane's too.
"W… wait. No "Ranma-prepare-to-die?" No, "Vile-fiend-this-day-shall-be-your-last!?" What's this really about Kuno!?" Ranma asked, almost fearfully.
In truth said Saotome boy was terrified! Kuno, not attacking him on first sight!? By god! He really was going to die!
Akane too was looking at Kuno with wide eyes. Her arms were in front of her as if to ward him away from her. "Y-yeah! Kuno! What's going on here!?"
"My dearest Akane Tendo! Surely you know of the sorcery and underhandedness of this… cur…" Kuno muttered glancing up at Ranma, who also held his arms in a ready, warding, stance.
"I am simply being as underhanded as he! My plan is fool proof! Operation: L! BTTATL!" Kuno explained.
Sweat glistened on the back of Ranma's head.
"Bittattle?" Akane asked. "What's that!"
"Oh!" Kuno announced as if shocked. "Never you mind, my Lily! Alas, I need to see the pigtailed girl with you for a few moments."
Akane began blinking. Then, slowly, she put her hand towards his forehead. "Do you have a fever?"
Kuno's eyes brightened. "I thank you for your care my dear, nay, I have no sickness for your pure hands to tend. I'm sorry, fair Tendo. I must… have words… with that creature…" Kuno said pointing to Ranma, who hadn't moved an inch.
He leapt suddenly and landed on the roof next to a rather unbalanced Ranma.
"Ranma Saotome…" Kuno drawled. "I demand that you show me the pigtailed girl. For if you do, I shall bid you ado this day and be gone. This one day, I shall allow you to live without fear that my mighty retribution shall destroy you."
"Nuh uh. Not happinin'." Ranma stated, as he nonchalantly turned his face away from the enraged kendoist.
"You dare!? I offer you a day of truce and this is how you repay me!? Fine then! Have at—"
Kuno was unable to finish his speech as, all of a sudden an enormous "Boom," followed by a blasting explosion and a geyser rocketing forth from the Tendo home, propelled Ranma into the air, completely ruining his speech.
"WAAAAaaaaaahhhh…." Faded the young Saotome's voice as it changed to a feminine pitch and flew further and further from the home.
Kuno looked into the house, as the sliding door was open, and saw Kasumi soaked in water.
"Oh my… How in the world did that happen!?" She exclaimed suddenly.
"Verily," Kuno replied, "This holy house itself doth repel the vile Saotome. I thank you, eldest of my beloved."
Kuno made an extravagant bow to the eldest Tendo sister.
Akane sweat-dropped as she stared at the hole in the roof that had been made entirely from water.
Suddenly the feminine scream that had just faded from hearing, came back in the same way. Gaining in sound as the falling red-headed figured gained momentum.
"Aw, damnit this is gonna hurt!!" Came the scream, just before the tree borne kettle girl slammed into the Tendo lawn creating a small crater.
"My pigtailed tigress!" Kuno exclaimed.
Ranma's eyes swirled and swiveled as Tatewaki lifted her comatose form.
Slowly, Ranma drearily returned to consciousness and looked up into Kuno's eyes…
A loud crack, signaling a comedic broken nose echoed through the yard.
Akane's sweat drop still remained and even Kasumi had developed a slight one.
A short silence in which only the sound of Kuno's twitching was heard. It was broken quickly by rushed foot steps coming from the inner chambers of the Tendo home.
"H-hey! Is everyone, ok!?" Came the sound of a slightly out-of-breath middle Tendo sister.
Spotting all the currently present household members, including one recovering Kuno, Nabiki sighed in relief. "Heh… I… eh…"
"Na… Nabiki?" Kasumi questioned, politely. "W-what… was that…?"
Ah, you see dear reader, that Miss Nabiki Tendo had recently been entranced by something that very rarely entranced her. What this entrancement was, and what had truly occurred wasn't to be known however, to neither you, nor the various characters outdoors.
"Uh… well… Kasumi… could you um… help me?" Nabiki asked in the most un-Nabiki-like manner Nabiki had ever expressed.
"I… I suppose so." Kasumi replied, almost a little bit frightened. Even Akane didn't usually make actual explosions! Most of the time anyway.
Nabiki grinned widely. "Great! Thanks sis! Come-on!" She exclaimed, giddily. Taking her elder sister's hand, Nabiki bounded into the house, towards the kitchen, where an odd black smoke was just beginning to seep around the door frames.
Ranma and Akane blinked as one. Kuno blinked, himself but as he was still twitching this went unnoticed.
"Is it just me, or is this day a little weirder than most? Even yesterday?" Ranma asked Akane, curiously.
Akane merely nodded, not having taken her eyes off the corner where her elder sisters had exited.
It was at that exact moment that Kuno recovered and stood.
"Pigtailed girl! Ah… perhaps that Saotome may have a small bit of good in his heart after all that he hath summoned you to my presence. Truly he knows his evils… I gracefully await the day of his atonement…" Kuno rambled tirelessly.
Ranma looked at him bug-eyed. Slowly, the red-head began to hug herself through his speech, tucking her head into her ample bosom and began whispering, "I'm not gonna die. I'm not gonna die. I'm not gonna die. I'm not gonna die."
As Ranma began to experience the first stage of a preordained death, that being widely known as "Denial," Akane sighed, annoyed. "Really Sempai, what is this all about?"
Kuno blinked, as if he had already stated his intentions. "Thou dost not know? Verily, I wish to invite both, and only thee and the pigtailed girl to a private diner—"
"Not interested. We're not dating you Kuno! Figure it out!" Akane interrupted harshly.
"Nay, for I would not be attending." Kuno replied, a touch too quickly.
Akane took a step back, shocked. "W-what?"
Meanwhile Ranma's whispering became louder and more strangled as she listened to the conversation. She sat on the ground and began to hug her knees to her chest…
"I would not be attending, my fairest lily. I have matters with which to see to on this day in another ward of this great city. I only truly wish to see both my red-haired rose, and you yourself, my lily Miss Tendo, in the purest state of satisfaction in my absence.
Akane blinked. "I.. uh… I…"
"Oh MY! Nabiki! Where in the world did you get so much Gunpowder? And… Gasoline!? Nabiki is this…" A shout erupted from the confines of the home.
"Oh it's nothing big, the recipe said I'd need four more gallons or so…" Came the reply.
"Oh My Goodness! This says "Radioactive Uranium!"
"Oh yeah… heh, about that…" But the middle sister was interrupted.
"Nabiki!! Why is there arsenic in my kitchen!?"
In a completely nonchalant tone, Nabiki replied, "Seasoning spice."
The scream that suddenly erupted in the ears of all within the present country was from not Genma, nor Soun, nor Akane, nor Ranma, nor was it Shampoo, nor Happosai, nor Cologne, nor even Ryoga! No. The scream came from the most seriously overstressed lungs of one Kasumi Tendo.
"I was just going to mix them in with the vegetable oil on the skillet! No big deal! Right…? That'll make it cook faster and give it a more… flavorful… taste…?" Came a very meek reply from Nabiki in a failing attempt to calm the nerves of her sister.
If the scream earlier was loud, then the one to follow it most likely managed to hurt the Jusenkyo Guide's ears. "GET! OUT!"
Pitter patter of frantic feet up a staircase. Door slamming. Frantic, heavy breathing.
Suddenly Kasumi emerged from the house to look at the three, breathing heavily and almost glaring. "I'm afraid… lunch will be a bit late this afternoon…"
Then the girl turned and strode back into the house towards the kitchen. The smoke wafting from that room had become a bit thicker as well.
All of them blinked in unison this time. Ranma had even been broken out of her preordained death symptom denial.
It was just one of those days that everything that could happen, did happen.
"Eh hum…" Kuno cleared his throat. "Tis true' my dearest. Here. Prithee take these. They will be your passes into the establishment. These cards contain 500,000 ¥ each. They are yours, flowers of my affection, but they are a one time offer that can only be spent by the two of you tomorrow, at any time after twelve o'clock, in the Urusaga Mall In Urawa. "My private limousine will be taking you there tomorrow at eleven o'clock if you wish."
He handed each of them a debit card of some sort. "I have reserved the entire mall for the two of you for your private entertainment. Please, do attend. But alas, my business will take me till late into the night tomorrow evening and I must leave now to begin. I must bid you both adieu. Pigtailed girl. Give Saotome-san my thanks for allowing you to grace yourself with my presence. But know that while there is truce today, tomorrow shall be his last day! Or… it would… if I didn't have business. So, my rose, my lily, please forgive me, but I shall be going. Sasuke!?"
As Kuno spoke both Ranma and Akane's jaws just dropped further and further and further with every word. Slowly, they inched towards each other as well, fear becoming the predominant features on their faces.
Sasuke appeared in an instant with the carriage behind him. Climbing into the carriage, Kuno turned back to his shocked "loves" and said. "May you be blessed on this day, my loves, and remember that I will return!"
With that… the carriage began roll away, Sasuke dragging it with a practiced ease.
Akane and Ranma had embraced each other by now in a non-intimate comfort-hug, terror being their only motivation.
"Ranma… what do you think heaven will be like?" Akane shuddered.
"A better place… a much, much better place, Akane…" Ranma shivered herself, holding the taller girl as both of them stared in stark horror at the retreating carriage.
"Please enjoy, my loves! I shall return soon! Fear not for me! My love for thee runs deeper then the greatest of all loves! Even though we shalt be parted, remember that my love runs through your veins like— URK!"
A dumbbell, thrown by a "snapped-out-of-it" Ranma knocked the man unconscious just as the carriage turned the corner out of the gate.
Breathing heavily, suddenly, Ranma blinked in surprise. Then, she turned back to a still dazed Akane. "Hey! Akane, look! We're both still alive!"
Akane shivered again… "That's what scares me…"
Turning serious once more, they both looked down at the cards they had been given. "So… ya think he's serious? Ranma?" Akane asked.
"Do you? He does have money to burn… I'm surprised he hasn't tried this before… Odd thing though… What do you think he'll be doing out of town?"
Akane waved Ranma off quite expertly. "Who cares? Besides, we aren't going anyways!" She chucked the card over her shoulder and listened to the slight "tings" it made on the stone sidewalk.
"Are you kidding Akane!? Five Hundred Thousand Yen! And no Kuno to bother me! There's no way I could turn this down! I wonder what I could use from a mall. It's probably a pretty small one. Even Kuno's family's got to have some financial limit but I bet I could finally get a heavier set of arm bracers… ooo… and Ice cream parfaits!"
Ranma trailed off, fantasizing about the things she could get with so much money.
As Ranma fantasized, Akane began to feel a little twinge of… compliance… "Well… it's just me and you right?" Akane asked suddenly.
Snapped out of her reverie Ranma turned back to Akane. "Hmm? Whad'ja say?"
"It'd just be you and me, Right Ranma?" Akane asked as she walked over to her card.
"Uh… yeah? And?"
Akane bent over to pick up the piece of plastic and looked at Ranma almost pleadingly. "Sorta… like a date…?"
Ranma froze. Ever since Saffron, he'd been wanting to ask Akane to go out on an actual date… one that didn't involve insane martial arts or… something… but he'd never actually.
"Um… y-yeah… Sorta like a date… um… would ya… uh… like ta go..? With me?" Ranma stuttered, haphazardly.
Akane's pleading look blossomed into a smile. "I'd love to Ranma…"
As you know dear reader, that any time something goes good for Ranma, something equally ten times worse has to happen in order to counter balance… well… god's will or something.
"You could get some clothes that make you look a little less flat, and maybe a cookbook or two to try and learn a little bit better and…"
"Nihao! Ranma! Is lunch-time! Xian Pu come with too too delicious new Stir Fry for husband to try!"
"Ranma honey! Try this new French Okonomiyaki I made! I call it, Pizz-ah!"
Akane twitched… and twitched again as her eyebrows furrowed.
"Hey… hey Akane, come-on! What did I say… wait! No! Don't!"
"DIE RANMA!" Akane screamed.
And with that, Ranma was launched once more into the air, screaming, to chat with the birdies and stars the clouds, all of which were either real or hallucinations dancing around his head.
End Chapter
Materia-blades moon: Happy. Content.
I'm not dating still but the woman is not quite so confusing anymore. I started writing this quite a while ago and my mood has changed for the better in the past couple of weeks. To those who read, I'm sorry Mark in the Lace is taking so long. I finished the next chapter. Reread it. It sucked. I had to scrap the whole thing. I really hate doing that but it just didn't have the right flow… I'm three thousand words into the second draft now.
Wish me luck! In love and war! And writing as well!
To those who are going over to Afghanistan, this is a tribute. Bows Please come home safe. The guy who would be my Best Man if I ever get married is goin' to Afghan January Seventh. Wish him more luck than me. If anyone deserves it he does.
Finally. Leave a review! It's been so long since I've gotten reviews!
I tried to think up another, witty, subtle way to ask for reviews but I seem to have failed miserably.
Well! Until next! Enjoy this chapter!
P.S. Oh yeah! Um, character's are probably a big bit ooc. In good comedy, that's ok though right? Oh well. I just hope it made you laugh. Even if it is a little implausible.
Just wait until the scene I have planned in the next chapter! I KNOW you'll laugh then!
P.P.S. I HATE DENTISTS!