The Harvest (Cordelia's Version)

Disclaimer etc in Chapter one.

--

The worst invention ever is the computer, I swear if I ever meet Ben Gates I'm gonna kill him for daring to invent something so annoying. Where am I ever going to be in a position where I will have to use one?

It's Friday and we're sitting in the computer lab doing some pointless assignment when there are so many more useful things we could be doing with our time, like for instance, the latest Gucci design.

"No! It's supposed to find the syntax and match it. Or wait…"

Harmony who isn't even helping, not that the brainless wonder could, interrupts my thoughts.

"Are we going to The Bronze tonight?"

"No, we're going to the other cool place in Sunnydale." I reply sarcastically, don't get me wrong, she's my friend and all, but she can be overbearingly self absorbed and not to mention dense at times.

Like now, she's looking at me in confusion! I decide to let her off the hook and answer her question in a way she'll understand. "Of course we're going to The Bronze. Friday night? No cover? But you should have been there last night, 'cause I ran into Buffy…" I insert a pause, giving the story a mysterious air about it. "…and can she be any weirder? She attacked me! Do you believe it?"

Harmony picks this moment to become all interested in the stupid assignment.

"I think we did this part wrong."

Yeah and who cares?

"Why do we have to devise these programs, isn't that what nerds are for?" Indicating towards Willow I whisper "What'd she do?"

"Uh, she's doing something else."

Fine, I'll figure this out on my own. "Okay, and then pattern run, right? Or got to end? That's it!"

"Maybe."

"So anyway, I come outta the bathroom, and she comes running at me. Screaming! With a stick! I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill you! I swear!"

"Who?"

Jeez, get with the program "Buffy!"

"The new girl?"

"What's her deal?" asks Jake or is it Tommy? Whatever!

"Well, she's crazed." They act like it wasn't obvious from the start, fortunately I read right through her the first moment I saw her.

"Did you hear about her old school?"

Ooh gossip! I shake my head as a signal for Harmony to continue.

"Booted."

"Well, I exhibit no surprise."

"Why was she kicked out?" asks Tommy-Jake.

"Uh, because she's a psycho loony!" I answer. Can nobody else see it?

"No, she's not."

"What?" I say, more from shock that missy nerdy pants Willow is interrupting me more than anything else.

"She's not a psycho. You don't even know her."

That's it, I definitely need to nip this new found audacity in the bud, 'cos it's getting out of hand. I blame Buffy, before she came along all the nerds knew their place and now…it's like they're all running round as if they're equals!

"Excuse me? Who gave you permission to exist?" Take that! "Do I horn in on your private discussions? No. Why? Because you're boring."

"Okay, I think the program's done."

I turn my attention back to Harmony and the computer "finally the nightmare ends! Okay, so how do we save it?"

"Deliver."

That was Willow-interuptus again, this time I don't put her in her place, 'cause she was doing what a nerd does and that's okay with me 'cause that's how it's supposed to be.

So anyway "deliver? Where's that? Oh!"

Is that normal? The screen just went blank after hitting the DEL key! Huh!

-----

I'm in my element, it's Friday night at The Bronze, I'm surrounded by my Groupies, looking my ultimate best! I love being the center of attention, this is what I thrive at, people could take lessons from me – it would help them out in life.

So I'm giving the girls some much appreciated advice on guys and dating in general, they hang on every word I say.

"Senior boys are the only way to go. Guys from our grade, forget about it, they're children. Y'know?"

I barely pause as we take our seats.

"Like Jesse. Did you see him last night, following me around like a little puppy dog."

As expected, they pack up into laughter at the humiliation that is the life of Jesse.

"You just wanna put him to sleep. But senior boys, hmmm, they have mystery. They have…what's the word I'm searching for?"

I let them sweat it out a little before continuing with the drama.

"Cars!"

Yup, I have them hooked.

"I'm just not the type to settle. Y'know? It's like when I go shopping. I have to have the most expensive thing. Not because it's expensive, but because it costs more."

Sometimes I shock myself with just how deep and inspiring I am.

"You know, I…"

What's this, now the groupies are butting in…is this like a conspiracy against me or something. Besides, like anyone cares about what she has to say.

"Hello, Miss Motormouth, can I get a sentence finished? Oh, I love this song! Come on!"

I rush on to the dance floor with the girls right behind me.

You fight the good fight / You fight the good war / You fight to be right / You fight to restore / Why should I believe a word that you say / It was just a game that you don't wanna play ? And I say ? It's wearing me down, I realize ? it's all in my head now, now, and I realize / it's not what you've done / As much as what you've said / as what you've said / as what you've said / as what you've said

The song finishes and I begin to make my way off the dance floor and who should be standing not only in my way but also in my breathing space? Stalker-boy!

"Uh, what do you want?" I demand. I seriously don't have patience for his pathetic existence right now.

That's when he grabs my hand and forces me on to the dance floor again. "Hey! Hello! Caveman brain! What are you doing?"

"Shut up!"

Okay this is new "well, just one dance."

You can put it down to temporary insanity brought about by his new-found manliness…eew what am I saying? No, it's definitely a fear for my life. Also, there's something different about him, like this whole bad-boy animalistic thing or something. Maybe I am insane.

Then the lights go off and everyone starts complaining and…hey! Did Jesse just cop a feel? I'm about to give him one of my deadly tongue lashings when this weird disfigured guy climbs on stage like he's going to make a speech. Hello, disfigured-boy, this is a night club not a freak debate club or something!

"Ladies and Gentleman! There is no cause for alarm. Actually, there is cause for alarm. It just won't do any good."

At this point everyone starts screaming, I'm not sure if it's because they're frightened of his deformity or if they're angry at the interruption, either way he just laughs.

Is this the band? "I thought there wasn't any band tonight?" I'm also re-thinking the whole coolness factor of this place, 'cause I certainly don't want to be dancing to freaky-guys music.

I turn to Jesse to see if he knows anything about it and…he's also deformed! Is this like a plague? Am I going to catch it? Oh god!

Over my panic I hear someone ask what's wrong with their faces…yeah that's what I'd like to know!

Obviously disfigured guy takes offense because he grabs the guy around the throat.

"Watch me, people. Fear is like an elixir. It's almost like blood."

Huh?

Oh crap, he's eating the doorman!

"Next! Tonight is the ascension. Tonight will be history at its end! Yours is a glorious sacrifice! Degradation most holy. What? No volunteers?"

I'm confused again, that's why I don't at first argue the fact that some woman is leading me up to him.

"Here's a pretty one."

What? No way! I don't want to catch this plague or whatever it is that they have!

I scream.

"Oh, I'm sorry, were you in the middle of something?"

It's Buffy, oh thank god, maybe they'll give her the ugly disease, it's not like it'll ruin her life anymore 'cause she doesn't even have one.

"You."

Apparently ugly guy knows her, why am I not surprised? Who cares…eat her!

"You didn't think I'd miss this did you?"

"I hoped you'd come."

"Be right down!"

That's when Buffy jumps down on to the pool table, so what she's a gymnast…it's just like her to turn this around to be all about her. What about my pain?

Anyway, I'm thinking this place hasn't been cleaned in awhile because as soon as she lands, it's like dust keeps swirling around everywhere. What's up with that? I'm so getting daddy to sue this place due to the extreme un-hygiene and the ugly people biting patrons.

How do they expect to make a profit? Whose going to wanna go out after catching the ugly disease?

"Okay, Vessel boy. You want blood?"

She knows his name! What kind of name is that anyway?

"I want yours! Only yours!"

Yes! He lets me go and I don't waste a minute, not even to give him a piece of my mind – I'm not sure how close you have to be to catch his disease, and I'm not taking chances. No way!

I'm hardly surprised when they start fighting, it's just like the psycho chick to start a fight at a club when everyone is out trying to have fun.

I see everyone trying to get out the doors and start shoving them out of my way. What? It's not like they have anything to loose, I on the other hand have stunning features and definitely a lot to loose.

I don't get very far 'cause Jesse grabs me and throws me down, he's obviously determined to make me ugly, maybe he thinks it'll give him a chance. Huh, not likely. So I struggle like mad, but it's like he's got this superhuman strength or something 'cause he barely notices, although he does complain.

"Hold still! You're not making this easy!"

Luckily Xander comes up behind him and distracts him long enough to give me a chance to get away. I pause for a moment though when I notice that Xander has now taken to waving sticks at people too…is Buffy's insanity also catchy?

That's when they start talking all weird like, maybe it's something only geeks understand. So I stay and listen, maybe there's juicy gossip.

I'm not stupid though, I make sure I'm far enough away from the ugly and insane couple to ensure I don't catch either disease.

"Jesse! I know there's still a part of you in there."

What's that supposed to mean?

"Okay…Let's deal with this. Jesse was an excruciating loser who couldn't get a date with anyone in the sighted community!"

You can say that again!

"Look at me. I'm a new man!"

Yeah, sorry for you there, but you're even worse off then before…what with the major ugliness and all.

I decide to forgo the gossip, 'cause it's just too weird and high tale it out of there. I don't wait to find out what happens, because I really don't care.

I bowl out of The Bronze, shoving people out of my way and possibly even trampling on a couple in the process, but I don't stop to find out. Heck no! I'm not going to stop sprinting until I'm in my bedroom behind a locked door.

-----

Monday morning I'm on cloud nine as I tell everyone about my experience at The Bronze on Friday evening. People crowd around to listen to my story and possibly also to take in my startling beauty!

"Well, I heard it was rival gangs. You know, fighting for turf?"

I neglect to mention who told me this tidbit of information 'cause hello, me, center of attention here!

"But all I can tell you is they were an ugly way of looking and Buffy, like, knew them! Which is just too weird. I mean, I don't even remember that much, but I'm telling you, it was a freak show!"

I wasn't lying about the remembering part, it's weird. As soon as I got home it was like the whole experience was a fuzzy memory or something.

"Oh, I wish I'd been there!"

"You should have been there. It was so creepy…"

I think back on the night and can't stop the uneasy feeling, as if I should know something important. Hey! Who gave her permission to own the same pair of shoes as me? What is this, a democracy?

-

A/N: I am very much aware that Bill Gates didn't invent the computer – my version of Cordelia however obviously doesn't know this…

Thanks for your reviews & interest in the story.