The Witch (Cordelia's Version)

Disclaimer: See chapter one

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My mother is at it again, moaning about some imagined ailment or something, it's like this constant drone distracting me from more important things.

"Rosa! Am I going to get my carbo-shake anytime this week?"

I've kept my distance from my mothers room, where Rosa is currently busy changing sheets or something. The last thing I need is for my mother to decide she wants a mother-daughter chat because she's convinced herself she's dying from some or other disease…it's a different one each week.

Apart from her hypochondriac behavior, I'm also extremely annoyed at her hogging Rosa, when I obviously need her more.

Today is Cheerleader tryouts, and while I have no doubt that I'll get first cut, I still need that shake to give my body a boost.

I tap my foot impatiently, letting Rosa know that I am not happy with this total disregard of my needs.

I'm off to the side doing my stretches quietly as take in the competition, noting in my mind which girls to be careful of.

Ugh…show-off! I shake my head in disgust at the blatant show of 'supposed talent' anyone could do a round-off followed by a back handspring.

"Just look at that Amber. Who does she think she is, a Laker Girl?" I scoff, not realizing that the nerd herd is actually listening to me, and responding no less – as if I would purposefully talk to them. Yeah in la-la land maybe.

"I heard she turned them down." Says Willow, like she'd know…and wait a sec, what the hell are they doing here anyway? Didn't anyone tell them this was for cool kids only?

Before I can demand that they leave, the Squad Leader steps up with her clipboard and calls for our attention.

"Okay, listen up! Let's begin with Amber Grove. If you're not auditioning, move off the floor."

So Amber starts off her little audition, it's boring really, but everyone acts like it's the second coming or whatever.

I turn away from the display; she's obviously an only child who thrives on being the center of attention "hmm!"

Now everyone's shouting, this is really becoming annoying "Enough of the hyperbole!" Get over yourself already!

That's when the whole gym erupts into chaos, I turn around in enough time to see Amber's hands on fire and Buffy snuffing it out with the Banner…what the hell?

This morning I had to have two shakes, a carbo loaded one and a tranquilizer loaded one. I was so stressed the whole night that I barely got an hours sleep, hence the dark circles under my eyes that I spent a whole hour hiding under layers of foundation.

I'm not entirely sure how Amber's hands caught fire, although I'm pretty sure Buffy is involved in someway or another.

I'm not so sure I can go through with this, as if the stress of try-outs wasn't bad enough, now I have to deal with spontaneous combustion? Cheerleading has always been a hairy business, but this is ridiculous.

Joy is pacing before us and I'm suddenly wondering how she became a cheerleader if this is her pep talk, 'cause cheerleading goes hand in hand with pep and this girl is just terrible – it's a wonder no-one has run out of here screaming yet.

"Despite the terrible thing that happened yesterday we still have to pick new cheerleaders. If you make the team you'll find your names posted in the quad after lunch. Let's begin with group performance." She pauses for effect, and then…"Five, six, seven, eight!"

"Sunnydale! Sunnydale! We never fail! We never fail! Jump and shoot! Swish and score! The other team is such a bore! Yeah!"

I'm thinking that this cheer is such a bore too, who the hell came up with it anyway? So I'm cart wheeling like the pro that I am when Amy blows the cartwheel and crashes into me, causing me to fall in an ungainly mess on the floor. This is why nerds should be banned from try-outs, but nobody ever listens to me do they?

Needless to say, I'm furious and already planning my damage control, 'cause this little geek will not ruin this for me. I would be ostracized by all who are cool if I failed to make the team, and how would I ever become Homecoming Queen without the status of cheerleader?

"You saw that, right? That wasn't me! You saw that, right?" I demand looking from Joy to Amy and back again "right?"

Joy dismisses us for the day and I storm off to the locker room in desperate need of a shower, sweating is definitely not my thing.

So I have my shower and all and who should I see? Little Miss I-want-to-ruin-Cordelia's-life-Amy. That's when I corner her.

"I have a dream. It's me on the cheerleading squad, adored by every varsity male as far as the eye can see! We have to achieve our dreams, Amy. Otherwise we…wither and die!"

My speech is so touching that I can feel tears prickling the back of my eyes, but the moment gets ruined when she opens her little mouth, moaning like she's the one who suffered pain and humiliation today.

"Look, I'm sorry about…"

"Shh! If your supreme klutziness out there today takes me out of the running, you're gonna be so very beyond sorry!"

I give her one of my award winning smiles "have a nice day!"

I barely make it through the afternoon, but finally the time comes and I rush to the quad praying that my name is on the list…how will I go on if it's not?

Get your fat ass out the way!

I can't see the list due to Joy's blocking of it and am about to shove her away when she finally moves…yes!

I make my way out of the crowd and see Amy "you're lucky!"

"I made it?"

As if? That girl is definitely living in a fantasy wonderland where nerds can make cheerleading squad…next she'll be running for Prom Queen and then I'd have to shoot myself!

"I made it!"

I tell her in my snarkiest voice. She just stares back at me as if I've spoken Japanese or something.

So I leave the nerds and take my talented self off to a well deserved spa treatment, courtesy of daddy's credit card.

I woke up this morning and it's just…it's like…weird.

My head feels all fuzzy and people keep bumping into me and acting like I'm the one responsible, although I gotta say, the day does kinda have this dream-like quality. You know how you're always feeling confused and disorientated in a dream? That's exactly how I'm feeling right now…also…where'd my locker go?

"Cordelia, you haven't been mean to me all day. Is it something I've done? Okay, see how she has no clue that I'm even a mammal, much less a human being?"

Who is making those noises? It's really annoying. It's okay, it's only Xander the annoying one, there's no need to dignify his loser-talk with a response, which is good 'cause I'm just not into it today, which is weird, granted, but I did say I was feeling weird today.

Oh look…light…follow it!

It's like a dream, a fuzzy cloud dream with singing angels and little kid choirs…hey this isn't my locker…and floating shoes all around me, whispering, chanting…Oh look, light, follow it…

So I'm following the light in my dream or whatever and then there is front of me is Mr Whathisname, the Drivers Ed. Instructor…and he wants me to drive! Who drives in dreams when they can get Brad Pitt to chauffeur them around?

"Nice of you to join us, Cordelia. We didn't keep you waiting or anything, did we? It's your turn to drive. Okay, people, let's buckle up."

Um, drive? Right, I remember now, I think?

"I don't wanna drive today, Mr Pole." It's all this noise and floating…hey his name is Mr Pole. That's just weird!

"You've flunked Driver's Ed twice already. Show me some moves, or you'll be taking the bus to college."

Fine, but you are in charge of keeping the butterflies away, because I will not be held responsible for their actions.

"Okay. Check the brake. Check the mirror. Start the engine."

Start the engine…that's easy, I can do that. Hmm-hmm-hmm.

"Hello? Put the car in drive."

What? Oh. I struggle with the gear shift, but eventually succeed…what goes next again?

"Let's move forward through the cones with a gentle even turn to the…"

Hey, we're going backwards…like…things that go backwards. Whoooo…

"Slow down. Slow, slow, turn right! Turn right!"

Weeee…

"Brakes! Brakes!"

Hey, was that a fence we just went through? It's like the car has superpowers or something. Cool!

What? Why does everyone keep screaming at me?

Oh fine, where do they put the brakes on super-cars anyhow?

"Everybody out!"

Sheez, alright already! And since when is this part of driver-ed?

Oh look….light…follow it…hey, who turned the lights out?

What's that noise?

All of a sudden I'm thrown to the ground and that's when I realize that I can't see anything, nothing, nada…

"Oh, my God, I, I can't see anything!"

"It's, it's okay, it's…Oh God!"

Is that Buffy? Why is she in my dream…unless it's a nightmare?

Suddenly this is not feeling like a dream anymore, my first clue was Buffy 'cause that chick is not even fit for my nightmares, also, my extremely bruised body is screaming out in pain, my second clue that this isn't sleepy-land anymore.

"What's happening? I can't see anything!"

I got stuck in freaky-blind-world for a whole day, which leaves you a lot time to think…and guess what the topic of thinking was…Buffy. There's no doubt in my mind that she's responsible for this somehow.

First there was that guy stuffed in Aura's locker…which for some reason Buffy finds as exciting as a Ralph Lauren sale. Then she attacks me with a stick whilst choking the life out of me, and then her gang friends try and give me the 'ugly people disease'.

Eeew…just had a bad visual.

This week alone, people have caught on fire and who knows what else, and lets not forget my blindness and the all over my body bruises from being brutally thrown to the ground by Buffy…her excuse?...A truck!...Sure!

Plus, am I the only person who noticed that my very own stalker – Jesse has been missing since Buffy started schooling here? Doesn't anyone else find this overly weird?

Speaking of the weird, there she is now talking to Amy.

"Hey, I'm really sorry you guys got bumped back to alternate."

What am I saying?

"Hold it, wait…No I'm not!"

"Well, I know that I'll miss the intellectual thrill of spelling out words with my arms."

Excuse you? Don't think I'm stupid enough to fall for that B-S, I'm the queen of envy and can thus hear it a mile away.

"Oooh, these grapes are sour!"

I prance off, leaving them to stew in their un-talent. I've got cheerleading practice to attend!