Never Kill A Boy On The First Date (Cordelia's Version)

Disclaimer: See chapter one

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After the whole body in the fridge incident I've given up on the whole specially prepared diet thing…don't get me wrong, I still think the food is dangerous and fit only for those who live on the other part of town…if you catch my drift? The point is, I think it's safer eating the poison this place serves than finding another body…I just don't think I could handle the trauma of it again. At this rate, my face will be covered in 'scream lines' by the time I'm twenty.

So it's for this reason I'm in the Cafeteria, which actually turns out to be a good thing, 'cause who should I spot? None other than Owen, Mr Mysterious himself and so totally un-approachable that I just have to have him.

"Look, an empty seat!"

I purposefully knock Buffy away, I'm not stupid…the girl was obviously making googly-eyes at my man and nobody gets away with that.

"Ooh! Ew…"

Ugh, she's such a drama queen. Unfortunately Owen falls for the damsel in distress act and goes to help her.

"Let me get that."

It's disgusting is what it is! Who cares if she gets food all over her outfit, it's not like it was something worth looking at anyway.

"Thanks! Boy! Cordelia's hips are wider than I thought!"

Excuse me? Since when does your un-cool self have any right to comment on my perfectly proportioned body?

Now he's talking to her about the food…obviously he's uncomfortable with her presence and is making small talk to cut the tension…which is sweet really, but not necessary. Nobody cares if she's uncomfortable.

Well, there's only so much my stomach can stand…

"Owen, a bunch of us are loitering at the Bronze tonight. You there?"

"Who's all going?"

Apart from me? O-kay, so he's a little slow, which is okay 'cause it makes him easier to control.

"Well, um, I'm gonna be there."

"Who else?"

"You mean besides me?"

That's when he invites Buffy. Sheesh, this pity act is getting really old. I'd better stop this before it goes too far.

"No, no, no! She, uh, she doesn't like fun."

Okay, a little lame, I'll admit…but it's not like I had time to come up with a plausible excuse for Buffy to NOT be there tonight, like I need her weirdness ruining my date with Owen.

Unfortunately for me, Buffy doesn't catch on to the pity invite and accepts the invitation…great, now we're gonna have to avoid the little groupie all night. Witness my excitement at that whole lot of not fun.

It turns out Buffy got the hint after all 'cause she didn't show, which is good for me and especially Owen who would've had an uncomfortable night avoiding her advances when he would rather have been spending time with me.

I've definitely got to teach him how to talk to the nerds…the polite yet cutting remark always works well for me, and if it doesn't, well ignoring them totally is also good.

All in all, it was a great night with lots of dancing and most importantly…no Buffy!

So I'm bronzing it up again and really hoping that Owen is gonna be there 'cause after the day I've had, I could really go for some pampering from a certain cutie.

Ugh, could this day get any worse? I'm not even two steps into The Bronze and I see Buffy pawing poor Owen.

"Aren't there laws against this sort of thing?"

I stride over purposefully, prepared to do damage control. What kind of message would I be sending to all who are somebody if I just let some girl hang all over my man?

"Owen! Look at you, here all alone…"

That's when he says something I refuse to repeat…namely that he's here with the B-woman. I decide to ignore it.

"Oh! Okay. Do you wanna dance?"

"No, I'm still here with Buffy."

It's your own funeral buddy…

"You are so good to help the needy."

"Cordelia, Owen and I would like to be alone right now, and for that to happen, you would have to go somewhere that's away."

Oh please, like you could even dare to compete with me, the guy is obviously drugged.

I give Buffy my patented condescending look before turning back to Owen.

"Well, when you're ready for the big leagues, let me know."

If it were possible, I would be patting myself on the back right now…I am so good, I just dissed and dismissed them…hah!

I'm not feeling so good, it's either the three latte's I just drank, or it's the gross display of affection that Owen and Buffy have going on.

Alright, I admit it…I am so not okay with him choosing her over me.

What has this world come to, when guys will choose weirdness over wonderful?

"What a disgusting display. Is that really appropriate behavior in a public forum? I mean, I've never seen a girl throw herself at a guy like that. Uhhh!"

Just then, my night of un-luck suddenly changes as this sex god walks in through the door.

"Ooh! Hello, salty goodness!"

I give my friends a look of satisfaction "Pick up the phone, call 911. That boy is gonna need some serious oxygen after I'm through with him."

So I start following him, planning my line of attack which will end with him lusting after me for ever more!

Hey! I so cannot believe my un-luck! It's like I've been cursed…or more likely she's put a spell on all the decent males of this town because there is no way that this is possible.

Salty goodness is at this moment making his way straight towards Buffy…It must be the 'slut' signal she's giving off…it's the only explanation for this other worldliness going on here tonight.

It's even worse than that time those ugly people tried to give me their disease!

"Buffy"

Says salty goodness

"Angel"

Says Slutty Woman

"Why is this happening to me?" What could I have ever done to deserve this?

That's it! I'm going home to kill myself.

I storm out of The Bronze, not caring if I'm making a scene. My anger is at such a dangerous level that when this guy approaches me growling…what is he an animal? I don't even blink, or pause to consider how strange this is – I just put my arm out and shove him so hard he falls to the ground stunned.

I'm a little stunned myself, who knew what I could do given the right temper tantrum? Fortunately the episode cheers me up enough to realize that I'm walking home, which is not good for two reasons. The wear and tear on my new prada's would be disastrous and also, I'm not clueless…you don't walk around in this town at night, not if you want to get home.

So I pull out my cell and punch in the number for the taxi company.

While I wait, I consider why I've never wondered about the strangeness of this town…I mean in what other town does the school have a column in their yearbook of all the students who've died over the year?

I guess that's one of the strange things about this town, the fact that nobody asks questions.

I'm not stupid though, I know something not of the good is going on, and I also know that Buffy is extremely involved, I just wish I knew how!

Finally the taxi arrives and I breathe in a sigh of relief as I climb into it…