Build Me Up, Margerinecup
By a.j.
Zack didn't go into the school after he saw Freddy and Random Girl. Instead, he turned right around and walked off of school campus, ignoring the warning well sounding off behind him. He didn't think about the consequences – well, not really. To some extent he wondered about what his dad would do when he found out that he had skipped school. He wondered if he would be grounded. He wondered if his dad would pull him out of public school. A part of him wondered if his dad would beat him. It had never happened before, despite what everybody seemed to think. His dad wasn't abusive. And yet, Zack never missed that look in his eye, like he really, really wanted to beat him. Badly. But he never laid a hand on him, except for a few times where he grabbed him by the arm and threw him into his room. But that wasn't bad.
Still, despite the dangers behind it, he went across the street and walked down to the corner until he reached the gas station. He was sure this was probably the first place school police checked since it was so close to the school and all, but he didn't really care. All he wanted to do was get a Slushie, take a second and decide on what to do with his new found freedom.
It didn't take more than a few seconds before he saw a familiar face inside the gas station. Dark hair. Dark skin. Smiling, mischievous eyes. James. Obviously, he was somebody who was easily recognized as well, because James motioned him over. Not knowing what else to do, Zack obeyed.
"First time, huh?" James commented, grinning from ear to ear.
"Is it that obvious?" Zack's voice was barely above a whisper, rather hoarse, and he nervously switched his backpack from one shoulder to the next.
"That's just because you look guilty," he explained. "If you look cool, nobody notices you."
"Mmm." Zack thought for a second, switching the backpack again. "Maybe I should get lessons in cool. Know anybody?"
Before he could process the fact that he was shamelessly flirting with a boy he hardly knew, all of his thought processes were stopped by another one of those heart-wrenching grins James had.
"I might be able to fit you in. Like, now?"
Zack nodded, and for some reason it felt like he was making a deal with the devil.
…………………
Katie and Lawrence pulled Summer back, eyes large and surprised, Summer's eyes large and crackling with electricity and with hurt.
There were a thousand things Zack could think of to say. He could deny everything. He could admit to everything. He could pull Freddy over and grope him and see if that was enough of an answer.
"What?" is what came out of his mouth.
Smooth, Mooneyham.
Lawrence put his hand over Summer's mouth, trying to keep the wriggling, angry girl close to him.
"Yeah, I kind of have to say 'what' too," Freddy mumbled from the side.
"Well, it's like this," Katie started, then stopped, then opened her mouth, and then closed it. Finally, at a loss of what else to say, she held out a paper to Zack.
"This is what was pasted all over our school this morning," she mumbled.
Both Zack and Freddy snatched at it, finally settling on each of them holding a corner of the paper. He quickly saw that it was a newspaper article, the headline being "SCHOOL OF ROCK STAR CAUGHT IN HOMOSEXUAL ACTS." As his mouth went dry, Freddy read the article out loud.
"Guitarist for the local band School of Rock, Zack Mooneyham, was caught earlier this week engaging in sexual acts with other males. He was seen entering the local club for homosexual men with a fake ID and, twenty minutes later, left the club with twenty-five guys, who he took out back to the alley and preformed fellatio on. When his fans were asked to comment, all responded with disgust.
"'I looked up to him,' cried a female. 'How can I love a fag?'
"Sales for School of Rock shows are expected to go down."
They both looked up at the other three people, staring with their mouths open.
"Fuck. It's not true," Zack whispered hoarsely.
"Shit, Zack! Twenty-five! I knew you were a player, but Jesus," Freddy jokes.
Zack threw a glance at his friend, who grinned back at him. This made Zack grin, too, and he immediately felt grateful to Freddy for attempting to lighten the mood.
"At least you made up," Lawrence spoke up, noticing the grins. Summer's eyes got even larger, if at all possible, and she quickly broke away from the boy's grip.
"You two?" she cried
"Summer-" Katie started, trying to pull her friend back.
"But Zack!" she continued to shout. "I thought you liked me!"
"I never said that," Zack loudly interjected.
"I told you she was hot for you ass."
"Freddy!" the other four people shouted. Freddy grinned sheepishly and stared at the ceiling,
"This is fucking serious, Freddy," Katie said. Her voice was kind of pleading, and Zack was surprised to notice for the first time that she had tears in her eyes. "We all got these notes at home and my parents are threatening to pull me out of the band."
"People might not go to our shows anymore," Lawrence threw in. This made Zack feel even worse. He knew that this was what Lawrence loved to do the most, and he didn't want it to be his fault that he would lose that.
The entire room was silent for a minute.
"I don't want the band to break up," Freddy whispered into the garage. Everyone looked at him.
"Yeah," Summer said. It was the first time that Zack could remember Freddy and Summer agreeing on something.
"Is it true?"
They all looked at Lawrence, Katie knitting her brow together.
"Lawrence-" she started.
"It's okay," Zack said, stopping whatever Katie was going to say. "And yeah."
In the silence that followed, Zack was able to look at everybody's expressions. Katie's was of thinly veiled surprise, Summer's was of aghast hurt, Lawrence's was of peaceful understanding and Freddy's was of wide-eyed horror.
"I mean, not the twenty-five guys thing. Ew. But yeah. I'm gay." He paused, let out the breath he didn't know he had been holding, and laughed. "I'm gay. Fuck. It felt nice to say it, finally."
He felt Freddy's hand reach for his, but he moved it away, not wanting Freddy to sabotage himself. But he knew what Freddy was trying to do, and he felt the comfort, especially when he saw Katie smiling at him.
"I'm glad for you, Zack," she whispered into the air.
"I always knew it," Lawrence admitted.
They all looked at Summer, who didn't look as horrified anymore.
"At least you're being true to yourself." She paused and bit her lip. "I have a gay uncle. I guess you want to meet him?"
They all laughed, and Zack felt the tension melt away for a minute, making him smile.
"But who would do this?"
"My friends," Freddy answered. "They're fucking angry because I left them to hang out with Zack."
"Seems like a stupid thing to do to get back at you," Katie commented. The blonde shrugged, looking annoyed.
"I never said I had the brightest friends in the world."
"But what are we going to do about it?" Summer asked into the air. The five of them looked at each other, all of their eyes showing the same concern. They all loved the band. He knew Freddy hated it once, and to be honest all of them hated it at some point, but that doesn't mean that they wanted it to end. They were all that was left of the original School of Rock, after the backup singers, their crew and Dewey left. And they liked it that way, just the five of them, the core of the group. None of them were ready for that to end.
"Practice?" Lawrence threw out. They all nodded, turned around and began to set up to play. Because when in doubt, play rock music. It was kind of their motto.
The practice went well, everybody using their music to help them forget their troubles. They all had a fairly good time, laughing and cracking jokes at the most inane things, ordering pizza and talking about school. With Freddy no longer angry, it was the best practice they had held in a very long time, and it made Zack long for the old days, back when everybody was young, non-sexual, happy, wondering where those times went to and if they would ever come back.
Later, when everybody was leaving, Lawrence pulled Zack aside and into a corner, getting right down to business before Zack could even say a word.
"Is Freddy your boyfriend?"
Zack gulped and looked at his long-time acquaintance – no, friend. His eyes were so calm, so inviting that he really felt no reason to lie.
"Yeah," he whispered. This made Lawrence smile.
"I always knew it would happen," he admitted.
"Oh," Zack said, looking down and blushing. Lawrence turned around and started to walk away, but Zack looked up and caught him.
"Hey! Uh, Larry, are you…" He trailed off, not sure what to say. This question was met with a shake of his head.
"No. But I don't care."
"Oh." Zack paused. "Hey. You're really cool, Larry."
Lawrence grinned and walked away, leaving Zack to feel very happy. Freddy walked over, the last one left. Naturally.
"So did Larry grope you wildly in the corner or what?"
Zack laughed at this, trying and failing to picture that every happening.
"No. He's straight. But he knows. About us."
"Shit. Seriously? So he was threatening to leave or what?" Freddy looked somewhat concerned now, his eyes wider and running back and forth, obviously trying to read Zack's answer from his eyes.
"No, he's cool with it."
"Oh." Freddy cocked his head to the side. "Damn. He's cooler than I thought."
Zack grinned, pulling Freddy in by his belt loops for a kiss. He heard Freddy groan and felt the hands reach up under his shirt, stroking light patterns against his back. Zack pulled away after a few seconds, placing a few more quick kisses against his lips before burying his head in the crook of Freddy's neck, sighing.
"Should we tell the band?"
Freddy shrugged a bit, his hands now rubbing reassuring circles on Zack's back.
"I wouldn't mind. Fuck, we might as well, they're our safest bet." He paused. "I don't think my parents would mind too much."
At the mention of parents, Zack snapped his head back. He knew his eyes must look wild, which is how he felt, wild and nervous, like a caged dog.
"Shit. Fuck. I hadn't thought of my parents. Shit! What if they get that article, too! What if they send to me, I don't know, military school or something!"
"Look on the bright side," Freddy cooed, holding Zack's head in place with one hand. "Maybe they'll send you to join the navy and then you'll get a lot of ass."
Zack rolled his eyes at this crack, pushing away from Freddy.
"This is serious, Freddy. Jesus, you know my parents, they're crazy. They might kick me out or something."
"And if they do, you can come to my house, and you'll be in such a wreck I'll finally be able to get your pants off." Zack felt his hands pull him in closer, felt Freddy pull his head down and kiss it, then hold him against his chest. "I'll take care of you, Zack. No matter what."
It was a crazy promise, and one that he knew Freddy really had little control over whether he could keep it or not. But it still made him feel a lot better, made him feel safe, and made him feel confident. And then, he knew he was ready.
…………………
He felt bad for it, almost. After all, he knew better than anyone – being told all the time – that all his dad wanted to do when he got home was to, quote, "have a nice, quiet dinner, read the evening newspaper, and go to sleep." And Zack understood this, as any job that paid as much as his dad's job paid meant he had to work way more than he could even imagine. So he already knew that any kind of dinner that was "memorable" beyond being one where there was a new dish or something stupid like that was out of the question.
And so, Zack was polite. He waited until after dinner. Until both of his parents were in the living room, sitting on their pristine white couch, their feet resting on their champagne beige carpeting, listening to the radio which was playing at a polite, quiet level, lest anybody know that their family enjoyed the classic golden oldies. And he just stood there, in the doorway, looking. Just, for the first time in years, looking. It had been a very long five years since the band started, since the last time he really paid attention to his parents. His dad's wrinkles seemed to be multiplying exponentially, gray hair now covering almost a third of his head, mixed amongst the dark brown hair he had inherited. The man seemed to give off an aura of tenseness, seeming to scream to the world that he was closed off, tired, and didn't want to talk. As for his mother, it seemed fairly obvious now how hard she was having to fight to keep looking young. Now that Zack thought about it, he realized that his mother made twice-monthly Botox appointments, and he knew she had gone in for a few plastic surgeries. Her hair looked like it had come straight from a hair-dye commercial, shiny and long and straight, the bleached blonde looking almost healthy. Almost.
He wondered why she tried so hard to look young, whether it had to do with how she looked when she met his father. He didn't really know how they had met, and he briefly wondered how their love had been. Whether it had been deeply passionate. Whether his father had known from the moment he met his mother that they were meant to be. Whether they couldn't keep their hands off of each other in the beginning. Whether they still had sex. It was weird to think about, but he kind of thought he would be happier knowing that they still loved each other, cared about each other, couldn't live without each other. He doubted that this was true, however.
They finally noticed his presence, his dad putting down the newspaper and calling his name questioningly. Zack only looked up, knowing damn well that the nervousness must be showing in every part of him, from his eyes to his voice to his fucking toe nails, he was sure. When his mother finally turned off the radio and asked if he was okay, he felt it was now or never.
Now if only his brain would follow his resolve.
"Um," he replied dumbly. "These kids have been getting letters."
He paused, looking at his parents, who stared back. His mother looked concerned, his father halfway between worried and annoyed.
"About me."
"About you? What are they saying?" His mother's imploring voice almost killed him. He didn't want to hurt her. His heart was beating wildly in his chest.
"Well," he began. "Well, that I'm, um."
Zack paused, closed his eyes, and just blurted it out.
"Guys, I'm gay."
And that was it. His heart seemed to be suffocating him, beating much faster than normal. He opened his eyes to look at them. And there they were, just dumbly staring at him, silent as the grave. He continued to look at them as well, reaching his breaking point at seventy-Mississippi. It was then that he closed his eyes, sighed, murmured that that was all he wanted to say and went to his room.
Once in there, he fell face down on his bed and just lay there. He wasn't going to fucking cry. He didn't cry. He never cried. And it wasn't like some manly shit or something that is why he didn't cry, he just. Didn't. He couldn't remember the last time he cried and he really didn't feel like starting then.
So he did what he did do; he turned on Coldplay, stared at the pattern-less, red bedspread, and thought about life. Except this time, Freddy didn't call. Zack had never felt so lonely in his entire life.