Chapter Five

Kara spent her first week on Pegasus doing exactly what Lee had asked. She kept her head down, stayed away from him as much as possible, and conducted herself professionally at all times.

Her reports were presented on time, she never spoke out of turn at meetings. There were no reports of arguments with pilots or the deck crew.

It pissed the hell out of him.

He wanted an excuse to be rid of her, to remove her disturbing presence from his life. He wanted an excuse to yell at her, to release some of that hurt and anger he had kept pent up inside him all this time.

She wasn't giving him one, and that only made him angrier.

But he knew Kara. She wouldn't be able to keep this model officer act up for long. She'd crack eventually.

----

Kara let out a sigh of relief as her viper left the launch tube.

Six hours of CAP stretched ahead of her. She knew that to most of her pilots that meant six hours of excruciating boredom, now that the Cylons were gone, but to her it was a relief.

CAP was six hours of freedom. Six hours where she could relax her guard and forget all about Sam leaving her and Lee hating her and the way her life had fallen apart.

Out here she could leave all that behind. Out here it was just her and the stars and she could soar through the dark, forgetting that anything else even existed.

Flying. How had she managed without it for so long?

Well, now she had it back, and she wasn't going to give it up again. It was worth putting up with Lee's cold stares, worth watching him and Dee in meetings, sitting together and sharing private looks. It even eased the pain of losing Sam, a little, soothed the constant ache inside her.

Sometimes she was tempted not to go back. To leave the CAP circuit and just fly on, out into the dark. To stop struggling to make a life for herself and leave everything behind.

In the end she always went back. She was Starbuck again now, and Starbuck didn't give up that easily.

But every time it was harder to resist the temptation.

----

It took longer than Lee had expected for Kara to crack.

She went three weeks without putting a foot wrong. CAP and flight briefings and training were efficiently organised. All the reports he requested were completed on schedule and without complaint, even when he asked for ones they both knew were completely unnecessary.

He couldn't complain about her behaviour to him either. She didn't speak to him much unless he asked her a question, but when she did she was polite and respectful, although she'd developed a habit of looking straight through him that made him want to shake her. It made him feel as though he didn't exist for her, as though he didn't matter.

He didn't have much time to get irritated by that look though, because outside meetings he barely saw her.

She was staying out of his way, just as he'd wanted. Keeping their relationship distant and professional, just as he'd told her to.

He couldn't complain. Shouldn't want to.

But he couldn't help feeling she was laughing at him behind that blank stare and stiff salute.

We're done with each other, Lee, just as you wanted. How do you like it?

----

By the end of the third week, Lee was beginning to feel uneasy.

He'd never known Kara to keep up an act for this long. And she wasn't just putting it on for his benefit. He'd started to notice other things in the last week.

When she was out on CAP she was keeping strictly to the plotted route. No diversions, no pulling fancy manoeuvres to show off or break the monotony or just for the hell of it. And there was no comm chatter with the other pilots. She only spoke to them to give orders or instructions. No jokes or teasing or just plain gossiping to pass the time.

A few casual questions produced the information that she wasn't spending much time with the pilots in the rec room either. When she wasn't out on CAP or in meetings she was locked in her office doing paperwork.

She wasn't even playing triad.

Lee didn't like it. That wasn't Kara. Kara liked crowds, liked noise, liked being the centre of attention. Kara questioned orders, thought she knew better, never held her tongue.

He didn't know who this quiet subdued woman was, but she wasn't Kara.

So he tried to push her out of it. Picked holes in perfectly good CAP schedules and told her to re-do them. Questioned irrelevant points in her reports, willing her almost desperately to respond. To tell him to frak off, get his head out of his ass, even to punch him.

But she didn't. She just nodded and made the changes without blinking.

Lee wanted to shake her and force her to tell him what the hell was going on, but he didn't. It was none of his business. She wasn't his problem any more, and that suited him just fine.

----

Then one day the CAP didn't go out on time.

Lee called down to the hangar bay. "What's going on, chief? CAP should have launched ten minutes ago."

"One of the pilots failed to show, sir. Showboat's finding a replacement."

"Showboat?" Lee's hand tightened around the receiver. "Why not Starbuck? She's the CAG, last time I checked."

An awkward pause. "She's the missing pilot, sir."

"Is that right," said Lee grimly.

He put down the receiver and turned to Hoshi. "I'm going down to the hangar bay to find out what the hell is going on. You have CIC."

Hoshi looked slightly surprised. "Yes sir."

Maybe he didn't really need to go to the hangar bay himself, Lee thought, as he left CIC, but he wanted to know what was happening. If Kara was shirking her responsibilities, he needed to deal with it.

And there was a thread of anxiety sneaking through his mind, though he refused to admit it. He'd expected Kara to mess up sooner or later, but not like this. He'd happened to see her launch for CAP a few times, and it was the only time she looked relaxed. It would take something serious to make her miss it.

So he was worried, and angry at himself for being worried, and even angrier at Kara for making him worry. He arrived in the hangar bay wearing an expression that caused several of the younger deckhands to scurry out of his way and made Showboat and his chief snap to attention immediately.

"Showboat. Have you found a replacement pilot yet?"

"Yes sir. He's suiting up now."

"We're just doing the final checks on his viper," said the chief. "CAP should be launched in ten minutes at the outside."

"Good." Lee turned back to Showboat. "Where's Captain Thrace?"

Showboat shifted awkwardly. "Sir, I don't think she's feeling well-"

"I didn't ask how she was feeling, I asked where she was," Lee snapped.

"I'm not sure," Showboat admitted.

"So you haven't seen her?"

"No." Showboat was staring at the deck.

"Then how do you know she's ill?" Lee knew he should soften his tone. This wasn't Showboat's fault. But he couldn't help it. The thread of anxiety was thickening now.

"I don't, sir. I just thought-"

"I don't want to hear what you think, and I don't want to hear you making excuses for Captain Thrace. She can do that herself when we find her."

Showboat's mouth set into a hard line. "Yes sir."

She walked beside Lee in stony silence as they checked the bunkroom, the mess, the ready room and the rec room. No sign of Kara. Lee tried to ignore the growing feeling of dread in his stomach.

"Let's try her office."

The hatch to Kara's office was locked. Lee hammered on it furiously.

"Starbuck!"

No answer.

Lee knocked again, trying to suppress the unpleasant images his imagination was conjuring up.

"Starbuck, open up!"

Still no reply.

"Kara, open the frakking hatch!"

Nothing happened. There was no sound of movement from the other side of the hatch.

"Sir."

Lee stopped banging on the hatch, noticing vaguely that there was a smear of red across his knuckles. He turned to Showboat angrily. "What is it?"

"I was just going to suggest that you over-ride the hatch controls. Sir." She bit off the words sharply.

But if you want to continue banging on the hatch like a fool…she left the words unsaid, but Lee could see them in her eyes.

He swore silently and opened the hatch control panel. He punched in his over-ride code, and heard the locks disengage. He pulled open the hatch, breath hitching at the thought of what he might find.

She was there.

She was there, and she wasn't hurt or unconscious. For a moment that was all Lee registered. Then he saw the empty ambrosia bottle beside her where she sat slumped in a corner, saw the drunken glaze in her eyes, and the relief was swept away by fury.

She was drunk. That was all. She'd caused him all this trouble, all this worry, just because she couldn't control her drinking. As frakking usual.

He turned to Showboat. "You're dismissed, Lieutenant."

Her eyes widened at look on his face. "Sir." Her eyes flicked past him to Kara. "Sir, I just want to say-"

Lee glared at her. He didn't have time for this now. "I said you're dismissed, Lieutenant. Was that somehow unclear?"

"No, sir, but-"

"Then I suggest you leave, unless you want to find yourself on report." He wasn't sure how much longer he could hang on to his temper.

Showboat looked back at him, face hardening. "Yes, sir."

She left without saluting, but Lee didn't care. At least she was gone.

He turned back to Kara. She had lifted her head and was looking at him with bleary eyes. "Lee?"

He gritted his teeth. "On your feet, Captain."

She blinked at him. "What?"

Lee stalked over to her. "I said, on your feet!"

She didn't move, and something inside Lee snapped. He reached down, grabbed her shoulders and dragged her upright.

"Lee!" Kara swore and twisted out of his grip. "What the frak is wrong with you?"

"What's wrong? You're drunk, that's what's wrong!"

"So what if I am?" She wasn't looking through him now, he saw with triumph. Her hazel eyes were blazing straight into his. "What I do off duty is none of your business-"

"But you are on duty," he shot back. "You should be on CAP right now."

"CAP?" She blinked, the fierce light dying out of her eyes. "What-?" She looked at her watch, and her eyes widened. "Oh, gods."

"Yes, Captain. You should have been on CAP half an hour ago." He was getting his anger under control now; every word came out clipped and precise. "Showboat had to find someone to go in your place, and I got called away from CIC to sort out the mess."

He stared coldly at her, waiting for a reply. Kara had gone pale, but she stared defiantly back.

"Well?" he asked when she said nothing.

"Well, what?"

"What have you got to say for yourself?"

"Nothing, Lee." She laughed harshly. "What's the point? You don't give a frak what I've got to say, so don't pretend you do. You're just happy I've finally given you a reason to get rid of me."

Lee blinked, disconcerted. Wasn't she even going to argue with him? "I don't-"

"Save it, Lee. You've been waiting for me to frak up for weeks, we both know that. Well, congratulations. You've won." She slumped wearily against the wall.

Lee stared at her, confused. It wasn't like Kara to just give in so easily. "Aren't you even going to defend yourself?"

"Are you going to listen?" Kara scoured his face and then smiled bitterly. "Didn't think so."

"I can't overlook this, Starbuck."

"You mean you won't." She closed her eyes briefly. "All I wanted to do was fly, Lee, you know? I didn't want to get in your way or cause you trouble."

"Well, too late," he said roughly.

"I just need to fly," she said again, and the look on her face made his heart twist inside him. "Don't you understand?"

He did understand, that was the hell of it. He knew all about using flying as an escape, as a salve to a wound.

He opened his mouth to say that he didn't care, that she could take herself off his ship and back to New Caprica. But the words didn't come out quite right.

"Sober yourself up, Captain, and report to my quarters. I'll tell you my decision then."

Her mouth opened, startled, but he turned and left before she could reply.

Outside in the corridor, he rubbed a hand over his face, bewildered. Why the hell had he said that? Why hadn't he seized the opportunity to get rid of her?

Why was he always so weak when it came to her?

"He sent her the divorce papers."

The voice made Lee jump. He turned to see Showboat, staring at him with accusing eyes.

"What?"

"Her husband sent her the divorce papers," said Showboat tightly. "She got them last night, and I could see how upset she was, although she tried to pretend she wasn't."

So that's what had triggered this. Lee remembered the pain in her eyes when she'd said she needed to fly, and wished he'd taken Helo up on his offer to beat up Anders.

"Why didn't you tell me this before?" he asked sharply. He wouldn't have been so hard on her if he'd known-

"I tried," said Showboat sharply. "You wouldn't let me."

True enough. Lee flushed slightly.

He nodded towards the closed hatch. "See if she needs any help," he said curtly, and headed off to his quarters.

----

He hoped being in his quarters would revive his anger with Kara. It usually did. The place echoed with the brutal things she'd said to him all those months ago, the relentless way she'd torn him apart.

But this time it didn't work. His anger wouldn't hold. Instead he kept remembering how quiet she'd been these last few weeks, the weary pain in her eyes, the way she wouldn't even fight with him.

He remembered when he'd first heard about her and Anders, how he'd hoped Anders had broken her in pieces.

He took it back now.

Helo had said Anders had left her for someone else. Rejected her. Kara, who'd had so much taken away from her already, who never seemed to believe she deserved anything better.

All I wanted to do was fly, Lee.

He couldn't take that away from her as well.

So when she finally appeared in his quarters, clean and sober, her hair tightly pulled back, uniform neatly buttoned, and bitter resignation on her face, he just told her he was putting a written reprimand on her record. "And you can cover Hoshi's CIC shifts while he takes a week's leave. During your off-duty time."

"That's it?" she asked warily.

"That's it." He kept his voice hard, warning her not to thank him.

She didn't. "Yes sir."

Lee waited until she had gone and took a long breath. He was going to regret this, he knew that.

But somehow he didn't care.