CHRISTMAS ONESHOT NUMBER 2
'Twas The Night Before Christmas
When All Through The House
Not A Creature Was Stirring
Not Even A Mouse-
"Was th' mouse makin' cookies?"
Roy leaned over the large, tattered book to glare at the curious 3-year-old. Edward returned the look with a quizzical raise of his eyebrow.
"Well, did he?" the blonde child asked in a very serious manner. The flummoxed expression in his amber eyes was a clear manifestation that he truly wanted an answer, and was awaiting one.
"No, Ed, it's a different kind of stirring," Roy replied. He then cleared him throat and continued to read.
The Stockings Were Hung By The Chimney With Care
In Hopes That Saint Nicholas Soon Would Be There-
"Who's sane nickel-ass?" Alphonse questioned, "and why does he have a nickel ass?"
Edward snickered. Roy blinked in confusion, then pretended to be cross.
"Alphonse! Where did you learn that word?" Regularly, Roy would not have minded if the kids' swore, as long as it wasn't in public. Unfortunately, Hawkeye caught Ed saying 'shit' one afternoon, and had scolded Roy for bad parenting.
"Don't let them swear! It will become a bad habit!" she had lectured the Colonel, "The next time they swear, tell them it's not right! If they continue to use taboo language, wash their mouths out with soap!"
Roy silently awaited Al's answer. The child clicked his tongue and gave Roy a sideways glance. "Well….I leawned it from you…" he responded quietly.
Roy hid his shame behind the tall book. "If I catch you saying that one more time I'll wash your mouth out with soap." He threatened flatly, evoking a gasp from Al. "Uhem, might I also add that it's pronounced SAINT NICHOLAS! Anyway…"
The Children Were Nestled As Snug In Their Beds
While Visions Of Sugar Plums Danced In Their Heads-
"What're sugah plums?" Al whispered to Ed.
And Mamma In Her 'Kerchief
And I In My Cap
Has Just Settled Down For A Long Winter's Nap
When Out On The Lawn There Arose Such A Clatter
I Sprang From The Bed To See What Was The Matter
Away To The Window I Flew Like A Flash-
"How does a flash fly?" Ed interrupted for the umpteenth time,
"What is a flash?" Al quipped. Roy ignored both of them and continued on.
Tore Open The Shutters
And Threw Up The Sash-
"Why didn't he use the toilet? Thas' better for frowing-up in." Ed stated whilst lazily picking at a loose thread on his pajamas. "Didn't his Muver eber tell him not to barf ousside?"
Roy sighed, he hadn't even finished half the story…
The Moon On The Breast Of The New-Fallen Snow
Gave The Lustre Of Midday To Objects Below-
"No idea what that means…" Ed mumbled.
When, What To My Wondering Eyes Should Appear
But A Miniature Sleigh And Eight Tiny Reindeer
With A Little Old Driver, So Lively And Quick
I Knew In A Moment It Must Be Saint Nick-
"Again wif th' sane nickel-ass? Whas' with that guy?" Al groaned dramatically.
"Alphonse Elric!" Roy snapped venomously, "Either hold your tongue, or grab a bar of soap!"
Al gasped and immediately grabbed his tongue.
More Rapid Than Eagles, His Coursers They Came
He Whistled And Shouted And Called Them By Name
"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer And Vixen!"
On Comet! On Cupid! On Donder And Blitzen!"-
"Basher and dancer and prancer and virgin!" Al repeated excitedly, "Comed and stupid and donden and blister!"
Ed rubbed his hands together mischievously, "It's huntin' season!" he cackled, causing Al to shriek in shock.
To The Top Of The Porch!
To The Top Of The Wall!
Now Dash Away, Dash Away, Dash Away All!
As Dry Leaves That Before The Wild Hurricane Fly
When They Met With An Obstacle Mount To The Sky-
"More vetamanese!" Ed cried in exasperation. He was obviously tired of hearing the strange, stupefying verses.
So Up To The Housetop The Coursers They Flew
With A Sleigh Full Of Toys, And Saint Nicholas Too-
Al opened his mouth to say something, but hastily snapped it shut when Roy proceeded to brush his hands around his mouth in a manner reminiscent to that of a child brushing his teeth...with soap.
And Then, In A Twinkling, I Heard On The Roof
The Prancing And Pawing Of Each Little Hoof
As I Drew In My Hand, And Was Turning Around
Down The Chimney Saint Nicholas Came With A Bound-
"Is he a burger?" Ed inquired, eyes widening in surprise. It took Roy a moment to fathom what Ed meant.
"No, he's not a burglar. He's a good guy."
He Was Dressed All In Fur
From His Head To His Foot-
"He mus' be a gopher!" Al exclaimed, happy to be hearing a story about animals.
And His Clothes Were All Tarnished
With Ashes And Soot
A Bundle Of Toys He Had Thrown On His Back
He Looked Like A Peddler Just Opening His Pack-
"A peddler wides a bicycle, right?" Ed questioned his brother, Al nodded his head.
His Eyes- How They Twinkled!
His Dimples How Merry!
His Cheeks Were Like Roses
His Nose Like A Cherry-
"He mus' be a fweak..." Ed grumbled, shaking his head sadly. "Poor fweak!" Al quipped.
His Droll Little Mouth Was Drawn Up Like A Bow
And The Beard On His Chin Was As White As The Snow-
Al shuddered. "He sounds like Mistah Armstwong!" he squeaked. Roy stifled a chuckle and tried to keep his voice stoic as he continued.
The Stump Of A Pipe He Held In His Teeth
And The Smoke It Encircled His Head Like A Wreath-
"Does his Doctor know 'bout that?" Al piped curiously. Roy grunted in response and proceeded to read.
He Had A Broad Face And A Round Little Belly
That Shook When He Laughed Like A Bowl Full Of Jelly
He Was Chubby And Plump, A Right Jolly Old Elf-
"Why dun' they just write, "He was fat. Th' end.?" Ed asked, as more of a statement than a question.
And I Laughed When I Saw Him
In Spite Of Myself
A Wink Of His Eye And A Twist Of His Head
Soon Gave Me To Know I Had Nothing To Dread-
"You mus' be joking!" Al blurted. "I would be scared if I eber saw Mistah Nickel-ass! And I would scweam and run away and hide in th' cwoset!"
Ed rolled his eyes. "I would just shoot him to deaf wif a gun." He stated proudly, feeling brave.
He Spoke Not A Word, But Went Straight To His Work
And Filled All The Stockings
Then Turned With A Jerk
And Laying His Finger Aside Of His Nose-
"Nose-picker! Nose-picker!" Al sang, very unapproved of this so-called Nickel-ass's actions.
And Giving A Nod, Up The Chimney He Rose
He Sprang To His Sleigh, To His Team Gave A Whistle
And Away They All Flew Like The Down Of A Thistle-
Al let out a lazy yawn, which in turned evoked a yawn from Ed. Roy couldn't tell if it was because the story was boring, or they were just tired. But he continued nonetheless.
But I Heard Him Exclaim
Ere He Drove Out Of Sight,
"Happy Christmas To All! And To All A Good Night!"
Roy exhaled contently and shut the book. That must have been the longest story he'd ever read. It could have conceivably been longer due to the fact that the boy's kept interrupting…of course, they are just kids.
Speaking of which…
Roy glanced down at the floor, just to discover that the two boys' were fast asleep on the rug. The raven-haired man refrained from carrying them to bed, and instead gently prodded them with his finger.
"Come on boys, go to bed," he ordered softly. In their half-conscious state, both kids managed to struggle to their feet and stagger into their bedroom.
As they disappeared into the room, Roy heard Al mumble quietly,
"I still dun' get why Sane Nickel-ass has a nickel ass…"
--------------------------------MERRY FRIGGIN'CHRISTMAS-----------------------------
We've All Heard The Story, "The Night Before Christmas," Haven't We? To Be Blunt, I See It As Very Boring And A Totally Time-Waster. Also, The Description Of Saint Nicholas Makes Him Sound Like A Freak. I Must Remember To Ask Clement Clarke Moore What Possessed Him To Describe The Fictional Character In Such A Creepy Manner.