Chapter Eight
Lee was so stunned that it took a moment for his brain to register what was happening. A moment in which he let his lips soften against hers, was almost swept away.
Then alarm bells started ringing as memory returned.
Memories of the last time Kara had kissed him, and how she'd torn him apart afterwards.
No. No, no, no. I am not going to let her do this to me again.
He tore his mouth away from hers and stood up.
"What the hell was that for?"
Kara blinked at him. She looked almost as bewildered as he felt, but Lee barely noticed. Anger was swamping him, making it difficult to see anything else.
"Lee, I just-"
"No." He took a step back from her, needing the distance. "I am not going to let you do this to me again."
"Do what again?"
Lee's temper exploded. How dare she pretend she didn't understand what he meant? It was the third frakking time she'd done this.
"I don't know, Kara, you tell me! What is it you want this time? A comfort frak? A consolation prize because you can't have Anders?"
Kara flinched. "Lee, you can't think that! I didn't mean-"
"Yes, you did. You thought you could pull my strings again, just like the last time. But I'm not going to let you."
"Lee, I'm sorry. It was a mistake-"
"Damn right it was a mistake." Lee barely heard her. He was afraid to listen to her, even to look at her, in case his resolve wasn't as strong as he thought. The fear made him even angrier. "You know, Kara, I really thought you'd changed. I really thought we could finally be friends instead of playing mind games with each other." He smiled bitterly. "Looks like I was wrong."
"I'm not playing games with you!"
"Yes, you are," Lee snapped. "You're feeling lonely, want someone to fill the gap, and who better than me? After all, I've always been pathetic enough to wait around for you before." His voice was thick with self-disgust.
"Lee, that's not how it is at all-"
"No, it's not," he said fiercely. "Because I'm past that now. I told you last time I wasn't going to wait for you any longer, and I haven't. I'm getting married soon, or had you forgotten?"
"Of course I hadn't." Temper was flaring in Kara's eyes now.
"So you remembered, and decided to go ahead anyway?" Lee made his voice as scathing as he could. "Congratulations, Kara, you've sunk to a new low."
Kara's mouth hardened. "Frak you, Lee. That's not fair and you know it."
"Frak you. I've been more than fair. After what you did last time…but I got past that, offered you my friendship again, despite all that. And this is what I get in return."
"For frak's sake, Lee, it was just a kiss!"
"It wasn't just a kiss! It was you trying to use me again, the way you always have."
Kara stared at him, her eyes full of hurt. "Is that really what you think, Lee? That I just use you?"
"Yes," he said rigidly. "You use me when nothing better offers, and as soon as it does, you take off again."
Silence. He risked a glance at her, and blinked in surprise. He'd never seen Kara so pale. She looked almost as if she was about to cry.
"Lee, that's not true."
He smiled bitterly. "Isn't it? You've never done anything to prove otherwise."
Her mouth was trembling now. "Lee-"
"Don't, Kara. Just don't. I don't want to hear any more."
"Lee, just give me a chance to explain-"
"No!" He had to stick to his resolve, stay away from her. He couldn't let her persuade him otherwise. "I've given you enough chances, Kara. Just-"
"Just what? What do you want me to do?"
"I want you to stay away from me." He grabbed fiercely for his self-control. "Dad's been asking for you to do a few days training for the pilots on Galactica. I think you should go there now."
"You think that's going to help?"
"I don't know." He felt suddenly weary. "I don't care. I just – I just don't want to be near you right now. Go to Galactica, Kara."
He turned and left before she could say any more – before he lost his temper altogether and did something he'd regret.
Damn her, he thought, as he stalked off towards his quarters. Why did she have to ruin everything like that?
Just at the moment he hated her. For kissing him. For trying to use him. For making him remember how she felt, how she tasted.
Most of all, he hated her for making him hope. Because for one moment, when she kissed him, he'd felt something kindle inside him, felt his heart soar.
He hated her for causing that almost as much as he hated himself for feeling it.
----
Kara spent the raptor journey to Galactica locked in her own thoughts. Her pilot made a few attempts at conversation that trailed off as he saw Kara's set face, much to her relief. She didn't feel like talking to anyone just now.
She still couldn't believe she had been so abysmally stupid. All that careful, painstaking work they had both done to rebuild their friendship and now she had thrown it all away with one foolish impulse.
What had she been thinking? She should have known Lee would react like that, after what had happened between them last time. And if he hadn't – if he had responded – what would she have done then? Her hands started to shake at the thought. She hadn't worked so hard to be free of him just to slide back into the same trap.
Which was exactly what Lee was thinking too, no doubt. She leant forward at the memory of what he had said to her, feeling an almost physical pain in her chest. His words had cut her deeply, though she couldn't deny they were true, at least in part. She had used him in the past. The fact that it had been because she loved him rather than because she didn't, that she had hurt him for his own good, didn't matter. Lee didn't understand that, wouldn't even if she explained it to him.
She closed her eyes despairingly. What a frakking mess she had made of things, as usual. She couldn't see how they were going to go on from here. What she had done had torn away the comforting lie they had both clung to these last few weeks, that they could be friends and nothing more.
They couldn't be. All those other, forbidden feelings were too close to the surface, just waiting to pounce.
So, no more half-measures. But that meant they would be back to nothing, back to avoidance and silence, and even the thought of it made her feel as if her chest was being crushed with a sledgehammer. She hadn't realised until now how much she'd grown to depend on his company again these last few weeks. It had been like a draught of cool water after months in the desert; now she was dry-mouthed and thirsty again.
----
The end result of all this thinking was that she was in a foul mood by the time she reached Galactica. She didn't hold back on her sarcasm in the training sessions, and by the end of the day she'd reduced two pilots to red-faced embarrassment, two to tongue-tied fury, and one to tears.
It didn't help even slightly, so she sought further relief in the rec room and a bottle of ambrosia.
She'd nearly emptied it by the time Kat stalked in, eyes blazing.
"What the frak is wrong with you, Starbuck?"
Kara looked up at her contemptuously. "What crawled up your butt, Katraine?"
Kat's cheeks flushed angrily, and Kara's heart lifted at the prospect of a good fight. Maybe even a punch-up, if she was lucky. That might make her feel better.
"Frak you, Starbuck. You're here to teach those kids, not to abuse them!"
Kara leaned back in her chair, smiling lazily. "All I gave them was some plain speaking. You molly-coddle them too much, that's the trouble." She kept her eyes narrowed on Kat's face.
"Bullshit. I give them hell when they deserve it. I just don't take out my personal problems on them."
Kara rose to her feet slowly. "Is that right?"
"It is." Kat took a step forward, jaw thrust out. "Because I'm more professional than that."
"As professional as you were when you were flying out of your head on stims?"
Kat's dark eyes flared. "Or as you were when you turned up to briefings hungover?" Her eyes raked contemptuously over the empty bottle. "See you haven't given up that little habit."
Kara moved forward. "None of your business, Kat. You aren't my superior officer."
"But these are my pilots and my ship, and I'm not going to let you frak with them. Just because your best buddy Apollo lets you get away with murder on Pegasus-"
Kara's fist lashed out instinctively and she made no attempt to stop it. Kat staggered back, one hand to her lip, other fist clenching. Kara smiled, tensing in anticipation of the return blow.
It never came. Instead a tall figure pushed in between them.
"No, Kat. This ends right now." Helo put a restraining hand on Kat's shoulder.
Kat tried to push it away. "Frak that, Helo. If you think I'm going to stand here and take that kind of crap from her-"
"No, I think you're going to leave now, before the Admiral gets wind of this and you both end up in the brig," said Helo firmly. "Don't let her get to you, Kat."
"Yes, Katraine, don't let the nasty girl upset you," Kara mocked.
Helo shot her an irritated glance over his shoulder. "Shut up, Kara."
"Frak you, Karl. How about you stop spoiling my fun?"
Kat bristled again at that, but Helo held her shoulders firmly. "Kat, no. Just leave it, go and cool down. I'll deal with Starbuck."
Kat wavered for a moment, but Kara saw with disappointment that Helo's words were having an effect. The fury had died out of her eyes and her fists were relaxing.
"Fine," she snapped finally. "But I don't want her upsetting any more of my pilots."
"Aw, are their tender feelings easily hurt?"
"Shut up, Kara," said Helo again, and steered Kat firmly towards the hatch. Kara suddenly realised that everyone else had already slipped out.
She picked up her abandoned glass and knocked back the last of her ambrosia, watching Helo angrily as he closed and locked the hatch behind Kat.
"Sure you want to do that, Karl? I need to punch someone, and you'll do just as well as Kat."
Helo turned, his face calm. He wasn't rising to her bait, she saw with annoyance.
"Fine, Kara, go ahead. Take a swing at me, if it'll make you feel better."
She glared at him. "It would serve you right if I took you up on that."
Helo shrugged. "Better me than some unsuspecting bystander." He took a step towards her, face concerned. "What are you doing, Kara? Do you want to end up in the brig? Because if Kat complains to the Old Man, that's exactly what will happen."
At least then I wouldn't have to go back to Pegasus.
Kara must have been drunker than she thought, because she said it aloud. The next moment she cursed herself, but it was too late; Helo's eyes widened in understanding.
"So that's it. I should have guessed. You've had another fight with Apollo, haven't you?"
Kara flung herself back down on her chair and folded her arms. "No, I haven't."
"Yeah, you have. Nothing else gets you wound up like this."
Kara's eyes narrowed dangerously. "So now you're an expert on me, Karl?"
"Well, I have got years of experience to go on," said Helo easily, taking the chair opposite her. "Come on, Kara. What's going on?"
"None of your business."
"It is if you're taking it out on my crew."
"Wow, that promotion really went to your head, didn't it, Karl?"
"Stop trying to provoke me, Kara," said Helo, smiling broadly. "You know that never works. And you know I'm going to keep nagging at you until you tell me what's wrong, so spill."
Kara gritted her teeth, but she knew he was right on both counts. "You don't need me to tell you what's wrong," she spat, glaring at him. "You seem to know it all already."
"So it is Apollo." Helo leaned back in his chair, stretching out his legs. "Well, I can't pretend I wasn't expecting this, though it's taken longer than I thought. The way he was acting when he found out you were back in the fleet, I didn't think the two of you would last six days on the same ship, let alone six weeks."
Kara stared at the table. "You know Lee and his grudges."
"Really? Seemed to me he'd got over his latest grudge, from what I heard on the grapevine. Sounded like the two of you were living in each other's pockets again."
Kara grunted in reply.
"So what happened? You give him a new and better grudge to replace the old one?"
"Frak off, Karl."
As usual, he ignored her. "What did you do? Insult him in the middle of CIC? Write off one of his Vipers? Get drunk and punch Dee?"
Kara tried to smile and let him cheer her up with his teasing as she usually did. But for once she couldn't do it. The smile wouldn't form. Instead, to her horror, she felt tears pressing at her eyes.
Helo must have seen it too, because his bantering smile faded and he leaned forward, looking concerned.
"Come on, Kara. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad."
"Yes, it is."
"What is it, then? Tell me."
Kara hesitated. She knew she should keep quiet, but she was so tired, so confused…the thought of confiding in Helo was tempting, and she'd drunk too much ambrosia to be able to resist the impulse. The words came tumbling out.
"I kissed him."
----
Silence. Helo watched her for a moment, his eyes studying her intently. Then he spoke, slow and careful.
"Is that such a bad thing?"
Kara stared at him incredulously. "Of course it is!"
"Why?"
"Because-" Kara broke off, struggling for words. She knew why it was bad, but how could she explain it? "Dee," she said, seizing with relief on the excuse. "He's marrying Dee soon, you know that."
"I know," said Helo calmly. "Which is why it might be a good thing that you got this out in the open now, before it's too late."
Kara frowned. "Got what out in the open?"
Helo took a deep breath. His jaw tilted, as if bracing himself for a blow. "The fact that you're in love with Lee."
The words were like a punch to the gut. Kara stared at him for a moment, mouth wide open.
"What are you…that's not true."
"Come on, Kara." Helo's eyes were full of sympathy. "This is me you're talking to. I know you. And I know you love him."
"No, I don't," she said desperately.
"Yes, you do," said Helo with a calm certainty that made her want to hit him. "I've known it for a while now. I've never seen you look at anyone the way you do him…not even Sam."
His eyes were kind, even pitying, and Kara couldn't bear the touch of them any longer. She jumped up and turned her back on him, walking to lean against the far wall. "Don't do this, Karl. Leave it alone."
"I can't," he said simply. "I can't see you this unhappy and not try to help."
Kara leant her forehead against the cool metal of the bulkhead. "This isn't helping."
"Isn't it? Isn't this the root of all your troubles? That you can't admit you love him?"
"No! For the gods' sake, Karl, my life does not revolve around Lee Adama!"
"Doesn't it?"
Kara slammed her fist into the wall. "No! Frak it, Karl, my husband just left me. Don't you think that might be the root of all my troubles?"
"It might," said Helo calmly. "But can you tell me the break-up of your marriage had absolutely nothing to do with Lee?"
The denial sprang to Kara's lips, but stuck there. She remembered some of the things Sam had said. You never let me in…you don't love me enough. She'd come to realise in the last few weeks that it had been true. She'd never let Sam in, not all the way into her heart. Because Lee was already there.
She closed her eyes. "Damn you, Karl."
"Kara, I don't understand. If you love Lee, why don't you tell him?"
His soothing tone was like a match set to gunpowder. Kara whirled to face him, eyes blazing.
"Because he'd tear me apart! You saw what a mess I was when Sam left – Lee would be a hundred times worse. He gets inside me, he always has. I won't let him destroy me like that."
"Kara." Helo's voice was very gentle. "Why do you assume he's going to leave you?"
The question took the wind out of Kara's sails. She stared at him, lost for words for a moment.
"He loves you too," Helo went on. Every quiet word stabbed into her. "I can see he does. Why would he leave you?"
Because I'll frak things up. I always do. Just like I did with Zak, with Sam…
But she couldn't say that. She took refuge in a nervous laugh. "Come on, Karl. You know how Lee is. The first time I disappoint him, he'll turn away from me, just as he always does."
"But he always turns back again," said Helo quietly. "I've noticed that."
Kara searched for a rebuttal, but couldn't find one. Because he was right. Lee always did turn back. After Zak, after Baltar, after she shot him…even this last time, when she'd thought she'd broken their relationship beyond repair, he'd eventually turned back. She never understood why, knew she didn't deserve it, but he did.
Helo was nodding as if he knew what she was thinking. "So why can't you trust that, Kara? Trust him?"
Kara closed her eyes. "I can't," she whispered.
"Why not?"
"Because it's not safe." She felt as if the words were dragged out of her. "It's not safe to love someone that much."
Helo made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a laugh. "Kara, love is never safe. Love is risk – you can't have one without the other." Kara shifted, and he fixed her with a hard stare. "And don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. At least Lee isn't a cylon."
The pain in his voice silenced Kara. She felt abruptly weary, as if she had fought a punishing bout in the boxing ring, and sat down again in the chair she'd abandoned.
"I know, Karl. But it's still hard. I don't know if I can take a risk like that."
"But you can't keep on like this either," said Helo firmly. "All this circling around each other, pulling close then pushing away…it's tearing you apart, Kara, I can see that." He paused. "Him too. I could see the change in him after you went to New Caprica. It's not fair on him either."
"What else can I do?"
"You need to make a choice. Either be with Lee properly or leave him for good."
Kara found herself laughing, with a hysterical edge to it that made Helo look at her anxiously. "I already tried that! I thought I was leaving him for good when I married Sam, that I'd ended everything between us. And look where I finished up. Back in the same old rut again."
"Maybe that should tell you something," said Helo quietly.
Maybe. Kara stared at her clasped hands for a moment.
"I'm not sure I can do it, Karl."
"Then you can't," said Helo quietly. "But if you can, you need to do something now, before he marries Dee, and you lose your opportunity. Because once they're married, he won't walk away from her lightly."
Kara knew he was right. She bit her lip, drawing blood. "But even if I can do it…Karl, it's too late. He won't believe me, not after…he already thinks I just use him when I've got nothing better on offer. He won't let go of that easily, you know how stubborn he is."
"Then you need to do something spectacular to convince him. Take a risk. Make it clear to him how you feel, so that he can't deny it."
"Like what?" Assuming she did anything at all. Just the thought of it scared her to death.
Helo smiled fully for the first time since they'd started this. "Kara, you specialise in spectacular. I'm sure you'll think of something."