Chapter Nine

Her talk with Helo calmed Kara down a little. She wound down a few notches in the training sessions, and the Galactica nuggets breathed a collective sigh of relief.

In the evenings she found herself drifting to the observation deck, sitting staring out at the stars. Helo had given her a lot to think about.

What should she do about Lee? Should she tell him how she felt?

The thought of it petrified her, but then the strength of her feelings for him always had. The defences she used to keep everyone else out always seemed to weaken around him; he'd slipped inside almost from the first moment she'd met him, and she'd never been able to get him out again. Even worse, she didn't want to; and she hated how vulnerable that made her.

So she'd fought against her attraction to him with every weapon she could muster. She'd denied it – we're just friends, nothing more. She'd hidden behind excuses – he's Zak's brother, he's my superior officer. She'd tried to replace him with other men. She'd retreated every time he tried to get close to her. She'd driven him away with sarcasm and anger. She'd even tried to start a new life without him.

None of it had worked. She could admit that now. She was never going to be rid of him, however hard she tried. She was a good enough soldier to know when she was beaten.

Maybe Helo was right. Maybe it was time she stopped fighting it and started accepting it.

Though that might be just as hard a battle. She and Lee had always clashed; they were too different not to. And she didn't exactly have a great track record. She'd frakked up every relationship she'd ever had, one way or another, why should this be any different?

But he always turns back, Helo had pointed out. Can't you trust that?

She spent a long time thinking about those words. Could she trust it?

She wasn't sure she could. Yes, Lee had always turned back to her before, but could he keep on doing it? Wouldn't he eventually decide that it was too much trouble, that she wasn't worth it?

Because she wasn't worth it. She hadn't needed her mother to tell her that.

Perhaps it was better to leave things as they were. Not to risk it.

But then…then he'd marry Dee. Nothing would be the same. He'd belong to Dee and she'd watch them together and know that could have been her if she'd had the courage to take this chance.

Could she live with that?

Finally, on the night before she was due to return to Pegasus, she decided she was making this too complicated. She was over-thinking, as she used to accuse Lee of doing. She should stop weighing the risks and act on her instincts.

And her instincts had always told her that she belonged with Lee. It was her head that had told her otherwise.

"I'm going to do it," she said aloud, her hands trembling. "I'm really going to do it. I'm going to tell him how I feel."

Frak it. So what if it all went wrong, if it all ended in pieces? Things between them could hardly get any worse than they were now. And at least she'd have tried. At least she'd have stopped being such a coward when it came to him and fought for what she wanted for once.

She was still petrified, but she also felt as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

----

The next morning she was buzzing with her new resolve. She said goodbye to Helo with an exuberant hug, and chatted away non-stop to the raptor pilot, who seemed rather unnerved by her friendliness.

Her good mood lasted all the way back to Pegasus and into the CIC, where her new-made plans hit an unexpected hurdle.

Lee.

He was still in full-on grudge mode and wasn't about to be shifted out of it. That was made all too clear as he greeted her cheerful salute with a cold stare.

"Training completed, Captain?" He snapped the words out at her.

"Yes, sir."

"Then I suggest you make a start on the work that's been piling up in your absence." He made it sound as if she had gone to Galactica as a way of slacking off.

Kara bit back a sharp retort. She didn't want to get into another fight with him.

"Yes sir," she said meekly, and Lee looked immediately suspicious. "But first I wonder if I might have a word with you."

Lee looked down at a clipboard on the console. "Go ahead."

"I meant in private."

"Not at the moment, Captain." Lee looked back up, his face locked and barred against her. "I'm busy."

Kara didn't call him a liar outright. Instead she let her eyes travel expressively around the quiet, almost deserted CIC.

Lee glared at her, not giving an inch. "You're dismissed, Captain."

"But-"

"I said you're dismissed."

Kara decided not to push it. Calling Lee an uptight asshole in front of his command staff wasn't exactly going to put him in a receptive mood for what she had to say. Plus he was looking at her as if he just wanted an excuse to have her hauled off to the brig.

So she saluted and left, swearing inwardly.

Frakking stubborn man. Why did he always have to make everything so difficult for her?

Well, she'd get him alone eventually. He probably just needed a few days to calm down.

----

A week later, Lee showed no sign of calming down. His eyes were still icing over every time he saw her, and every sentence he spoke to her was rapped out like a volley of bullets.

That in itself wasn't enough to discourage Kara. She'd seen Lee in these moods before, and she could usually goad him out of them one way or another, although they might both end up bruised as a result. Just give her some time alone with him, and she'd sort him out.

The problem was that she couldn't get any time alone with him. Lee was avoiding her, and doing a scarily successful job of it. He was barely leaving CIC while on shift, and spent most of his off-shift hours locked in his quarters with Dee. The few times Kara did see him in the corridors Hoshi always seemed to be with him, and when they had meetings he made sure he left first, and in company. Every request she made to talk to him privately was refused – he was too busy, too tired, had an important call to make.

After a week of this Kara just wanted to scream with frustration. How the hell was she supposed to tell Lee she loved him when he wouldn't even talk to her?

She wished Helo was here to see all this. Maybe then he'd realise what a frakking idiotic idea this whole thing was.

----

She needed a plan, but so far she couldn't come up with anything beyond knocking some sense into Lee's stubborn head against the nearest bulkhead. Again, not the best way to lead up to what she had to tell him.

She brooded over it out on CAP. There must be some way to force him to talk to her. Maybe if he wouldn't see her in private, she'd just have to talk to him in public…corner him in the corridors perhaps…but then how would she talk to him without other people interrupting…it was going to be hard enough to get the words out anyway with him glaring at her…

…and suddenly she had an idea.

The more she thought about the idea, the more she liked it. Lee would have no choice but to listen. Sure, it would be rather public, but that was Lee's own fault for avoiding her. And Helo had told her to do something spectacular…

Kara took a deep breath and looked around at the stars, at the comforting darkness of space surrounding her. At the familiar lines of her viper.

This was home. The place where she was always safe, always in control.

She clung to that reassuring thought as she cleared her throat and spoke over the open comm channel to CIC.

"Starbuck to Pegasus Actual."

A moment and then Lee's cold voice spoke in her ears. "Pegasus Actual here. Go ahead, Starbuck."

Her palms were sweating, and she felt a wave of nausea. She kept her eyes focused on the empty space in front of her, trying to force the betraying weakness down.

"Starbuck, go ahead."

Now or never.

"Lee."

"Starbuck?" He sounded irritated now.

She didn't reply. Her lips seemed frozen. She couldn't do this, she couldn't-

"Starbuck, please respond." His tone shifted slightly. "Is there a problem? Please respond." A pause. "Kara? Are you okay?"

And as he said her name, something broke free within her, something warm and glowing. Suddenly she wasn't afraid any more. Her lips thawed, and she found herself smiling.

Of course she could do this. Even with half the ship listening in.

"Lee."

"Kara." She could feel his relief turning to anger. "What the hell is going on?"

A broad grin spread across her face. Suddenly this felt so right.

"Lee, I love you."