-1Chapter 2 - A love that could never be

Sara sat in her office remembering her past, remembering why she was sitting here today, remembering the hurt she caused to the 2 people she cared about the most. She could feel a tug at her heart as she remembered how hard it had been to leave the past behind, how easy it seemed sometimes to pretend that her past didn't exist but now seeing Lindsey Willows she knew that the past couldn't stay hidden any longer she was going to have to face the people she left behind and explain her past to the people she had in her life in the present.

She loved Catherine Willows more than she thought possible, but she knew from the start it was just a fantasy something that could never become a reality. Catherine had no interest in her and could never do so, what could she possibly have to offer to someone like Catherine someone so glamorous, sensual, beautiful, amazing, Catherine could easily walk into any room and have the pick of anyone she wanted male or female, why would she ever want anyone like Sara Sidle.

Sara sat on the sofa in her apartment wrapped in loving arms, but something just didn't feel right as much as she loved this man who wrapped her in love and commitment, she didn't feel complete. She felt empty inside. What was wrong with her she had what she'd wanted for so many years but she felt herself doubting if Gil Grissom was what she ever really wanted.

"Penny for them?"

"it's nothing Griss I'm just tired" Grissom looked down into those big brown eyes

"I know you Sara Sidle and I know when you have something on your mind"

"Just leave it Gil I don't wanna deal with it right now" Sara's tone was harsh and as she finished her sentence she rose from the sofa and walked over to the chair opposite. She couldn't face looking at the man she left sitting on the sofa but knew she had too.

"Listen Gil I just want to be alone right now, is that ok?" Gil nodded his head and rose from his sitting position.

"I'm sorry I know your just trying to be there for me but I just really need to be alone right now, I need time to think….. I'm sorry for snapping at you" Sara didn't maintain eye contact as she spoke the words to her lover. She jumped slightly when she felt to hand on either shoulder

"When you want to talk you know where I am" He said kissing the younger women's forehead and leaving her, making his way to the door.

When Sara heard the door close she lowered her head into her hand and began to sob 'what the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy with what I have, he loves me, and I love him and yet still I can't be happy, still I want more. I always want the unattainable, why, why, why?'

Sara sat in her position for over an hour thinking about what she had, all the good things in her life. She had everything she thought she wanted that she could possibly have and still her mind was flooded with images of the one person she couldn't have, the one person she would never have, the one person she loved more than she'd loved any living soul….. Catherine Willows.

What made things even more wrong was the fact that Catherine had no idea how she felt and there's no way she ever would. Sara knew that she could never be strong enough to stand in front of Catherine and tell her how she felt about her, how much she meant to her. She'd tried to make a friendship with the older women, she's tried to be friends, she'd made effort on occasion but every time the blonde women would knock her back. She asked her for breakfast a few times and everything Catherine always had other plans or was tired. At least that was in the beginning…….

KNOCK KNOCK

Sara was brought back from her thoughts when she heard knocking on her office door. She walked over to the door and reached for the handle, she quickly realised she had had wet cheeks where her tears had fell, she quickly wiped her eyes and opened the door.

"Hey Sara you ok?"

"Hey Dana yes, come in sorry just feeling a bit tired, finally back to term time, I'm not used to there being so many people around, it's tiring" Sara lied forcing a smile as she walked over to her chair behind the solid oak desk.

Dana followed Sara into the office and took a seat facing. Not buying Sara's excuse for a minute but she could see that her friend didn't want to talk about things.

"It's been a hell of a day hasn't it? So many new faces, they seem like a good bunch though, think we may have a few genius' in the midst"

Sara and Dana both laughed at the comment

"yes I think where gonna have a good teaching year, so many young faces dying to be filled with knowledge, so many hopeful futures among them. That's why I love my job, knowing that where doing some good, these kids are gonna be the future there gonna shine so bright do us and their parent proud"

"How very nostalgic of you Doctor Sidle" Dana laughed

"Yes I know I don't know where that same from" Sara Laughed.

"So who's the Willows girl? And what's this I hear about you kissing her uncle in his office, Sidle you rebel"

Sara forced a weak smile

"It's the past Dane, Lindsey is the daughter of an old Colleague of mine from back in Vegas when I was a CSI, and her uncle isn't really her uncle, he was mine and her mothers boss, but we where a close team, like one big family, especially Catherine, Lindsey's mother and Grissom they've been friends for years, so Lindsey calls him uncle Grissom, But he's called Gil…….. Gil Grissom "

Dana's jaw dropped

"You and your boss, Sidle you hussy!"

Sara's face dropped at the comment. Dana could tell that she'd hit a nerve.

"Sara I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you and I don't really think you're a hussy"

"it's Ok Dane….. can we talk about something else?"

"Well I was here to invite you and Lizzie to Megan's 5th birthday party on Saturday "

"yes that sounds great, I'll wait until Saturday to tell Lizzie though you know how exited she gets about anything"

Sara and Dana both laughed. Dana stood up and stepped from behind the chair

"Well that's settled then I better get going Alex is here with Megan where gonna go out for dinner, I'll see you in the morning Sara"

"Bye Dane have fun and say Hi to Alex and Megan for me I'll see you tomorrow"

Both women waved their goodbyes has Dana walked from the room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"So are you meeting up with Tim tonight?"

"I don't know Tor do you think I should? I mean it is the first week of college and it all seems a bit rushed. I need to check out the place and of course the guys before I rush into anything with the first guy I meet…. Don't you think?"

"Your call Linds? If your not gonna go we can go explore some more if you want see what the neighbourhoods like around here?"

"yes I think that sounds like a plan"

Lindsey was interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone, she reached down for the phone

"3 guess' who this'll be" Linds said to Torri has she flipped the phone open.

"Hello Mom!"

- Hey baby, how's it going?

"it going good Mom met some awesome people and everything's cool"

- That's good baby

"Oh Mom you'll never guess what happened today?"

- You where abducted by aliens?

"No but I saw someone who I thought may have been I haven't seen her in so long. Guess who it was Mom I'll give you 3 guesses"

- Britney Spears

"Mom I don't think your taking this seriously"

- Ok I'm all serious now, come on just tell me Linds you know too many people for me to guess

"Well she's one of your friends, who vanished of the face of the earth, brunette, brown eyes, tall…………. Can you guess yet?"

Lindsey heard her mom swallow hard

"Mom you there"

- Hmmm Yes baby, Linds did you see………. see Sara?

"Well this is a really funny story Mom, anyway me and Tor where in our intro to physics, then this women comes on stage and says hello and welcome and all that and then she introduces herself as the head of physics….. Doctor Sara Sidle. Anyway then she glared at me and Tor for talking and told us we had to stay behind, so I explained that I was just surprised to see her and they she finally realised it was me and she looked like she was gonna have a coronary right there on the spot"

The line stayed silent for a few seconds

"Mom are you there?"

- Yes I'm here honey sorry just a bit shocked I haven't seen Sara in a while…… How is she? Is she ok? Did she say anything I mean…….

"Wow Mom chill, she's fine well she seems so. We didn't talk much because I had to be somewhere but where gonna catch up soon, So now you have no need to worry about me because you have someone to spy on me" Lindsey laughed

"Anyway I really I've gotta get going me and Tor are heading out, but I'll speak to you soon and I'll tell Sara you said Hi, Bye Mom I love you"

- hmmmm yes bye baby I love you too

And with that Lindsey hung up the phone.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Catherine sat in the break room lost for words her jaw gapping open. She couldn't believe it all these years of wondering and she finally knew where Sara was. She was teaching at Harvard. 'I wonder if Gil knows I wonder if he still speaks to her? He says he doesn't but maybe he's lying I'm sure he'd know if she was the head of physics at Harvard I'm sure he must speak to the people up there sometime'

"Cath"

"Cath"

"Catherine…….. Are you listening"

Catherine jumped from her thoughts and looked around to see Gil stood before her

"Oh I'm sorry Gil I was just thinking?"

"about Harvard?

"What"

"Harvard you know…. Lindsey"

"Errrm yes Gil sorry I was just thinking about Lindsey" Catherine lied really she was thinking about Sara, she felt a bitter feeling in her stomach she wasn't gonna tell Grissom she knew where Sara was, she didn't want him to know.

"How's she doing?"

"Hmmm…. What?"

"Lindsey how's she doing is she enjoying college?"

"yes I just spoke to her she's met lots of people she's seems happy"

"Well tell her I said Hi when you speak to her again"

"Yes I sure will, thanks for asking after Lindsey…… sorry I'm feeling a bit disorientated tonight, just gonna grab a coffee" Cath said slipping past Grissom

Grissom took his glasses from his head and raised an eye brow.

Catherine took her coffee and headed for her office, throwing a look back at Grissom

"I'm gonna go catch up on some paperwork I'll speak to you later"

Catherine made her way into her office and sat at her desk she pondered the past

Catherine made her way to the locker room it had been a tough case on all the CSI team. A family of 4 had been slaughtered by their next door neighbour, a happy family Mom, Dad and 2 children a boy of 4 and a girl of 6. The children's bodies where completely unrecognisable and at the site of the scene even Sara had lost composure and shed a tear.

As she opened the locker room door her heart sank at the site before her Sara was sat in front of the lockers with her back resting against them, her legs apart, knees raised and her head resting downwards as tears poured from her eyes and sobs escaped her throat.

Cath slowly made her way over to Sara and sat on the floor beside her placing a hand on the brunettes shoulder.

"Hey Sara it's ok, I know it was a tough one, but we got the bastard who did this he's gonna rot in hell" Cath said trying to offer the brunette some comfort.

Sara couldn't reply, she felt the sobs escape her throat even more. Cath did the only things she could think of to ease Sara's pain, she pulled the brunette closer until the brunette head rested on her shoulder, she pulled Sara into a hug and began to stroke the dark hair.

"Shhh Sara it's gonna be ok, I've got you, let it all go"

Cath was surprised when Sara tightened her hold on began to sob openly in the blonde women's arms. The two stayed that way for over half an hour when Sara's sobs came to an end.

Sara looked up into Catherine's eyes an smiled a weak smile, causing the blonde women to do the same.

"Thank you Cath I'm so sorry you had to see me like this?" Sara said avoiding the blue eyes

Cath placed 2 fingers under the younger women's chin and raised her head gently until blue eyes met brown eyes. Both eyes reflecting how each women was feeling, both filled with love, compassion and understanding.

"Hey it's ok Sara, that's what friend are here for to lift each other up when we fall"

Sara seemed speechless at the women's words and Cath felt guilt run through her body as she realised that Sara was so shocked to hear the words from her mouth, she felt so guilty for the fact that Sara knew so little about how much she cared about her, that she had never made Sara aware of how much she truly valued and respected her. After several minutes the blonde spoke to the brunette.

"How are you feeling now? Hun"

"I feel much better, I think I'm just gonna go home and sleep it off"

Sara said as she raised from her current position, Catherine refused to let the younger women's hand go and stood facing Sara.

"Ok well if you need someone to talk to you know where I am, and I mean that Sara I'm always here for you I just need you to know that"

"I'm…. I…. Thanks Cat you don't know how much that means to me"

"I think I do Sara"

"Thanks"

"Anytime………… if you want to talk give me a call"

"Thanks Cat" Sara said as she began to walk away from the Blonde women.

"Take care Sara" At that moment Cath did something that shocked both her and Sara without even thinking, as if it was the most natural thing in the world Catherine lent forward and kissed the Sara right on the lips. Both women felt the electricity run through there bodies.

"I erm, I'm….., I think, erm I think I better get going I'm really tired" Sara stuttered out her words

Catherine realised what she'd done has she felt Sara pull her hand free and headed for the door

"Shit! Why did I do that"

"Willows it's the past let it go" Catherine mumbled to herself as she came back to reality.

But could she really leave things in the past, did she have a choice. For so many years she believed that she would never see Sara Sidle again, she believed that there ship had sailed and sank with both women swimming away in opposite directions.

But did that have to be the end…………………..