Thank you so much for the feedback :) heers the next chapter :)
Chapter 4 - Confessions
Sara strapped Lizzie in her car seat, checking over everything several times. Lizzie had a huge smile on her face and kept humming to herself. Sara smiled at the child
"Are you exited Lizzie"
"Yes Mama, where going to a party and there will be lots of children and jello, and games and toys" the child beamed
"There will be baby, and don't forget this is Megan's birthday and you get to give her a present"
Lizzie nodded pointing to the pink parcel beside her, wrapped with a huge red bow.
Sara closed the door and climbed into the front of the vehicle, pulling off the driveway and down the street.
Sara and Lizzie where having a fantastic time at the party, Megan had loved the drum kit that Sara and Lizzie had bought her and loved that Lizzie was there, Megan picked the child up several times and tried to feed her jello with a spoon, Lizzie was not impressed by the attempt of feeding her and had cried until Sara had picked her up giver a kiss and let her eat her jello by herself. While the children played happily Sara and Dana chatted about everything. At the end of the party all the children and parents had gone home apart from Sara and Lizzie. Sara and Dana sat talking while Alex tidied up the children's mess.
He walked over to his wife and gave her a kiss. "sorry for interrupting I was wondering if it's ok with you Sara if I take Megan and Lizzie for an ice cream"
"yes that's fine Alex if you don't mind"
"Not at all"
Sara went over to her daughter and gave her a kiss and a hug
"Be a good girl for uncle Alex Lizzie and keep hold of his hand at all times"
"Okay Mama" the little girl said giving her Mom a hug and kiss before walking out of the door with Alex and Megan.
"He's a good guy you got there Dana"
"I know I'm a lucky one"
"Now we just have to get you set up"
Sara laughed
"So what about your old boss how about him?"
"Grissom no way, he's now seeing a dominatrix and to be honest we dated for almost a year it just wasn't built to last, I wasn't in love with…………. There was someone else"
"Do tell Miss Sidle"
"I can't believe I'm actually talking about this but seeing Lindsey Willows has brought of stuff from my past back up"
"Come on Sidle spill, I'm guessing this person is connected to the young Miss Willows?…. Her dad?"
Sara blushed
"Your close but no it wasn't her dad, he died when she was a kid………. It's…… it's"
"Come on Sara you know you can tell me anything?….. Right?"
"it was Lindsey's….. Mom"
"Your kidding me right" Dana said laughing
"No I'm not" Sara's face turned a bright shade of red. Dana sensed that Sara was embarrassed
"Wow I just didn't know you where…… you where…. Erm"
"Gay?"
"Well yes I suppose……. yes"
"neither did I, I mean it was only Catherine I ever felt so strongly about, I mean I'd had crushes on women before but with Catherine it was more than that……. I mean…. I"
"You loved her"
"yes………… yes I did"
"So what happened?"
"Well I always thought she hated me, I mean we never got on, we always kept each other at arms length, never letting the other get close. Then one morning after a really bad case I broke down in her arms and she kissed me….. But at the time I was seeing Grissom and I was so confused, I didn't know if the kiss meant she felt the same way or it was just an accident. But the kiss was amazing, I mean it was just a simple kiss it lasted no more than a second but the way my body reacted to her, I felt like my whole body was on fire, my heart was beating so fast, after that I bolted and left her stood there. Then I avoided her for weeks until my birthday and then…………….and then she walked into Grissom's office and he was kissing me"
It was Sara's birthday and the whole graveyard shift Catherine included had planned an evening out with Sara, they where all going for a meal and then out to a bar.
It had been a month since Catherine had kissed Sara and since the 'incident' Catherine and Sara hadn't spoke to each other about anything other than work since. The day of her birthday Sara had decided that she had to finish things with Grissom, it wasn't fare to lead him on any further. She stood outside his office for what seemed like ages before she went in, practicing what she was going to say to him over and over. Sara knocked on the door and awaited Grissom's reply
"Come in"
Sara took a deep breath and opened the door, she was Grissom sat at his desk examining some dead bug. She walked over and sat on a chair facing him.
"Grissom we need to talk"
"Okay I'm all ears but first there's something I must do" Grissom said as he walked around the table and knelt on the floor in front of Sara taking her head in his hands and brought her mouth level with his for a kiss.
"hey Griss I'm gonna head home and get changed for Sar………" Catherine stood at the door shell shocked as she saw the sight before her.
Catherine looked at Sara and Sara saw the pure hurt in her eyes
"Sorry" Catherine said as she ran out of the door.
Sara put her head in her hands and felt the tears build behind her eyes.
Grissom placed his hands on Sara 's shoulders
"hey Sara it's ok, she had to find out some time, Cath is one of my closest friends, it doesn't matter you don't need to get upset, as long as we keep out private life away fr………" Grissom didn't get time to finish as Sara butted in.
"Grissom will you just listen to me for a minute, it does matter that she knows……….. Because I can't do this any more" Sara said indicating between herself and Grissom "I'm sorry" Sara could feel the tears stinging behind her eyes
"Sara what do you mean, Catherine was just shocked because she didn't expect it, she'll be fine don't worry. We can still be together"
"We can't Grissom I can't do this anymore I can't be with you………….. It's not working Grissom, I can't give you my heart because I'm not in love with you"
Grissom was shocked he took a few steps back and sat in the chair facing Sara
"Gil I'm sorry, I do love you………. But I'm not in love with you"
"But we………. Sara"
"Gil I'm sorry but I'm not"
"is there……. Is there someone else Sara?"
Sara's face was all the answer Grissom needed
"Who Sara? Who is he?"
"Grissom it doesn't matter nothing is going to come of it. They don't love me back but I can't live a lie, it's not fare on you"
"Sara Who is it?
"No Gil I can't!, just forget it please"
"You tell me your breaking up with me because you love someone else and expect me just to forgot it………Sara!!!"
"I know but I can't tell you who it because……… because, they don't even know. I'm not leaving you to be with someone else Gil, I'm leaving you because I can't be something I'm not…………. I can't be with you when my heart belongs to someone else, whether they know it or not, I can't live a lie anymore"
"What do you mean anymore???"
"How long have you loved this other person?"
"Gil please"
The guilty look was clear on Sara's face and her lack of eye contact gave Gil the answer he feared the most.
"All along Sara…….. All along??" Grissom said as his voice broke and he couldn't fight the tears back any longer.
Sara walked over to him making an attempted to hold his rigid body but it was no good he pushed her away
"Gil I'm sorry…….. I'm so so sorry"
"You wanted this Sara!……. You where the one who wouldn't let it drop……… I wasn't the one who asked you out…. It was you Sara, you kept on and on at me until I caved in"
"I know and I'm so sorry……………….. I never meant to hurt you…………. I thought we………. I thought that I would fall in love with you……….. But…………… but"
"Sara I think you should leave now" Grissom said as the tears streamed down his face.
Sara did as she was told and walked over to the door, stopping before she left and turning round to speak
"I'm so so sorry, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to hurt anyone"
It was at that very moment that Sara made her decision it was time to leave Vegas, she could never face Grissom again and any chance for a friendship with Catherine where distorted. At that moment Sara realised her life in Vegas was over.
Dana walked over to the now sobbing Sara and took the women in her arms
"Sara I'm so sorry, I'm sorry you had to go through all that"
Sara became embarrassed at her friend seeing her in her current venerable state.
"I'm sorry Dana……. I'm sorry you had to hear all that…….. And see me like this……… I just……… I just thought that I'd left it all behind, but now I realise I can never leave it behind"
"Don't be sorry Sara you have nothing to be sorry for, and hey I might stop teasing you now bout Mr Right"
Both women chuckled lightly
"So what you gonna do about Catherine?"
"I don't know……… I'm going to have to contact her, Lindsey will continue to hound me until I do, I just don't know what to say and then………… and then there's Lizzie…….."
"Lizzie is Gil's daughter?"
Sara nodded
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This last week had seemed to go on forever, the days dragged and the night's even more so. She expected this to happen when Lindsey left, but now knowing that both Lindsey and Sara where in Boston all she could think about was being there. Sometimes the thought of seeing Sara again scared her and sometimes it made her feel happier than she'd been in a long time, but there's a difference between the fantasy of something and reality you get. Catherine had learned the hard way. She had the fantasy life with Sara she'd planned out in her head, eventually she'd confess her feeling to Sara and Sara would feel the same, they'd kiss and all live happily ever after, yes right like that would ever really happened, The reality was she'd kissed Sara, Sara ran away and a month later she caught Sara and Grissom kissing and then Sara was out of her life completely.
Catherine sat in her office finishing up her report, she hated this office since 'that day' the day she saw her world falling apart around her. She hated being here sometimes she just wished she could go down the hall to Warrick' s office and ask for him to switch back. But then she'd have to explain why she wanted her old office when her new one was massive and was the office everyone in the lab wanted. But to her this was the very place that her world tumbled apart, the day she's seen Sara and Grissom kissing.
As soon as she saw the scene before her she ran, ran away as fast as she could, she made her way to her car got in and drove, with no destination in mind, in the end she'd ended up at home alone sat in the dark crying, eventually she must have cried herself to sleep, she woke up the next day on the sofa, pain throughout her body because of the way she'd slept.
She woke up that afternoon and cried some more, eventually she'd made her way upstairs and made it to the shower crying some more once she got in, as the water rushed over her body all she could think about was Sara, which was usually a good thing, but now when she saw Sara her fantasy was destroyed by the image of Grissom with his hands on her face kissing her. After what seemed like an eternity Catherine left the shower and made her way down stairs in her dressing gown she saw a letter behind the door.
Immediately she recognised the handwriting. She took a deep breath as she opened the letter.
Dear Catherine,
I decided that the only way that I can ever tell you how I feel will be in a letter, I've tried so many times to tell you face to face, but I'm a wimp, when it comes down to it I'm to scared.
Yesterday you saw me with Gil and I'm so sorry you had to see that. I suppose I can't really go on with this without coming clean about that. For almost a year Me and Gil have been a couple. I know this will be a shock to you but I wanted to tell you and so did Gil. I was too scared to tell you because I knew if I did tell you to your face I know that I would also have to tell you that I know that Gil wasn't the right person for me, he never was and he never will be.
Gil wanted to tell you we where a couple but I wouldn't let him, but I think my reason behind this is because deep down I knew that I wouldn't be with Gil forever.
You and most of the lab know that me and Gil had a connection, but it wasn't love, I love Gil as a person but I don't think I've ever been in love with him. I think it was more hero worship, I did worship him, He's a brilliant scientist and one day I hoped to like him, I think I mistook wanting to be like him for wanting to be with him. When we where together I never felt complete I always wanted something more.
I think I just need to come out with it now and tell you the real reason behind this letter. The reason I can't be with Gil anymore is because my heart doesn't belong to him my heart belongs to you. It has done for so long but I've never allowed myself to admit that too you. I love you Catherine Willows more than you will ever know or will ever understand. When I think of you my heart skips a beat and I think about you all the time. Every second of every minute, every minute of every hour your in my thoughts, your in my subconscious your in my heart.
Today I realised I have to make a decision, and it doesn't feel like there's any other option left open to me so I'm leaving. I'm leaving Vegas, I don't know where I'm going and right now that doesn't seem important. I'm leaving because right now I've hurt the 2 people I care about more than anything in the world and if I stay here I know the only thing that will come is more heartache and I can't allow that to happen.
Catherine I also need you to know that none of this is Gil's fault, he doesn't know any of this, he knows I love someone else and that's why we can no longer be together but I couldn't tell him it was you. I know how much you both mean to each other and that's why this hurts so much.
I just need for you to know that not a day will go by where I will not think of you. You will be forever in my heart. I love you with every ounce of my being.
Love forever and always
Sara
Catherine sat with the letter in her hands and at that very moment she knew what she had to do, she picked up the phone and dialled Grissom's number. She took several deep breaths to try to hide the cracks in her voice
- Grissom
"Gil it's Catherine"
- Cath are you ok?
"Yes……….. Well no……… erm I will be, I need some time off Gil a week maybe more"
- Is everything ok Cath?
"yes there's just something I need to sort out, it that ok?"
- Erm well if you need the time it's fine, you have enough holidays left
"Thanks Gil this means a lot"
- That's ok Cath and if you need to talk you know where I am
"Thank you"
And with that Cath hung up the phone.
Her decision was made she had to go and see Sara
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I have the next 3 chapters written just need checking over.
feedback very welcome :)
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