Disclaimer: You know I have performance anxiety in my disclaimers now. Because so many people comment on how funny and brilliant they are. So when I can think of nothing creative, it's not good. I have demanding fans. I need funny! Btw, Grey's ...mine...not so much.
So this chapter is the beginning of the story. Of her being pregnant and him being away. And I've decided out of the two, I feel worse for Derek. Because Meredith is at home, and even though she doesn't have Derek, she has her family. She's not alone. Derek is stuck in Africa, with his wildest dreams coming true back in Seattle. Poor Derek. But yeah, this is the start of the meat of the fic. I think the entire thing is going to be a combination of sad and happy so we'll see.
So this chapter is an email from Meredith to Derek. About the baby. It skips a head a few weeks, since the IM conversation. Like 2-3 weeks or so. So she's 3 months in, so it's about 4 months till Derek gets home. It will be cute, happy and sad all at once.
Enjoy!
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Derek,
So I'm 12 weeks along now.
And according to Addison...she's my doctor by the way. I don't know why. I mean, I know we're kind of friends with her, but when news got out that Meredith Grey was carrying Derek Shepherd's child, she approached me in the hall and asked if I'd like her to be my doctor. I said yes. I don't know why I said yes. Cristina thinks she's going to kill the baby or something else Satany. But Addison wouldn't do that. Would she? I mean, she's not actually evil. You were married to her for so long. She wouldn't do anything to our baby. She's just being nice. Right?
Okay, rambling.
According to Addison 12 weeks means I should go in for a check up and listen to the baby's heart beat.
So before my shift I met her upstairs, and Derek, I heard it. I heard our baby's heart.
I also learned that it's humanly possible to find the sound of a heart beat the most beautiful sound in the world. Addison claims every mother feels this way. Of course she might be planning baby homicide so I don't know if I can trust her.
But Der...
The heart beat. It was just amazing, Derek. Just pure amazing. I've heard baby heart beats more times than I can count, I know what they sound like. They sound like a normal heartbeat. But hearing it, and knowing the baby is yours, knowing that it belongs to this tiny little life that's growing inside of me, it was just another world. The baby is really there, there's really a baby inside of me.
Derek, we're really going to be parents.
And I am happy. I mean, really, seriously happy. Since that test came up positive I've been happy but so scared that I was forgetting to be happy. I was terrified. And every decision I made, I second guessed, because they all felt like the wrong decision. I've been a big ball of self doubt. It's been messy. But the second I heard that heartbeat, Derek, the second I heard it, I knew. I knew every single decision I've ever made has been the right one. And that's big for me, really really big for me. Because I always feel like such a mess. But this is right, this is where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be madly in love with you and having your baby.
And then I burst into tears.
Because you're not where you're supposed to be. You are no where close to where you're supposed to be. Today when I was listening to the heartbeat you were supposed to be right beside me, squeezing my hand and looking down at me with tons of love in your eyes. Instead I had your ex-wife (the woman planning baby homicide) holding my hand and looking down at me with a look that seemed to be a cross between pity and jealousy. And that just didn't feel right. Nothing without you feels right. I wish it did, but it just doesn't.
I need you so badly. I keep thinking of all these pregnancy milestones that are coming up, and then I have to remember that the daddy won't be there. That the love of my life won't be there. And I just...I really really want you to be there. Because I can to this alone. I mean, me and alone go well together as it's how I've been for as long as I can remember. But the thing is...I'm not alone anymore. I have you. And yet, here I am biggest time of my life (litterally and figuratively) and I'm alone. So so alone. And terrified. And overwhelmed. And feeling more than a little lost.
Because in that moment, with the heartbeat, everything felt right. But the fact you weren't there.
And without you there, I'm just a little lost.
And you're missing all the daddy things. I was craving nachos today and Alex had to go get them for me. ALEX.
Oh shit, now I'm crying again. I've been a big blubbering hormonal mess for 3 months now. I cried at a Hallmark commercial yesterday. I do not cry at Hallmark commercials. Izzie cries at Hallmark commercials. I treat them like every other commercial. But no, seemingly pregnant Meredith cries at Hallmark commercials. My hormones are a mess, which by the way, I hate you for.
Stop laughing.
I really hate you.
And ignore a good portion of this letter. I am not pulling a guilt trip. I am not trying to make you feel bad. Because I know you want to be here, but that life is messy and you are stuck there. And I know that you are being the most supportive boyfriend humanly possible considering our situation. So blame it on hormones. Because I am good.
All you need to know from this entire rambling email is that baby is good and I'm good.
And I love you.
And Addison asked me if I want to find out the sex as soon as humanly possible. And I said no, because I've been finding out far too much without you,and the sex is not something I want to tell you in an email. Or even IM. So I said no. We can find out at 7 months when you get back.
Oh god, the tears are coming again.
I'm never having a baby again. Well maybe one, because you're missing so much and you should see this. So I'll have one more but that's it. Just so you can share in the mess that your girlfriend becomes. Except before I make any more babies I'm going to be your wife. We are so back to being a condom ad.
And I'm getting fat. Izzie and Cristina claim I'm not. But this morning when I went to put on my jeans they felt a little more snug than they usually do. I'm getting fat. And soon I'm going to have to go shopping to get a whole bunch of new clothes that are for fat people. Izzie suggested wearing some of the stuff you left here, but you're so damn skinny they probably won't fit for long either. I'm getting fat.
Thanks for making me fat.
I know, I know. Happy thought. Pregnancy is not the time to be all dark and twisty. Happy thoughts. I'm going to be a mom. And you're going to be a dad. And the baby is going to be most beautiful, intelligent and loved baby ever. Happy thoughts. And you're home in about 4 months. And you'll be here for the final swollen ankles, and the maternity leave, and most importantly the birth. You'll be here.
That the happy thought that keeps me going.
Okay, I have to go save lives now. So I am off.
BabyShep loves you.
And I love you. God I love you.
Miss you.
Yours Forever
Meredith
How I wish I could, but you're so far away
See, happy, sad and cute all at once.
So yeah, not much to say. The baby is suddenly very real to Meredith and she's thrilled. But missing Derek. And hormonal. So lots of different emotions going on. Always a good time. And Addison is her doctor because I think Addie really does like her, and since Derek can't be there, Addie is trying to help. As chapters go on you'll find more and more people trying to help. I have lots of wonderfully cute, happy and heartbreaking ideas. (mainly because my friend Katie keeps giving me them, lol).
Next chapter should be up tomorrow night. Derek emailing Mer, obviously.
Read. Love. Review.