Disclaimer: This is another night that my mind is drawing a blank on funny disclaimers. I hate when that happens. I think I shall go with my old stand by...at my weakest moments, Grey's Anatomy owns me.

I'm glad that everyone is enjoying the fluffiness of this fic.

And on that note, this chapter, not so light and fluffy. More like completely sad and heartbreaking. Sorry for that. But I'm trying to keep this realistic. And realistically in any long distance relationship you have those days, where you just want to give up. Not litterally give up but you know what I mean. And adding a pregnancy on top of that...well it's quite the dark and twisty situation. And as Mer is naturaly a dark and twisty person...well yeah. You'll see.

Enjoy!

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Derek,

I should not be emailing you today.

Because I'm not dark and twisty anymore. You changed that. I'm now all about being dull and lifeless, and sometimes, during the best times, even bright and shiney. I am not the girl you met at Joe's all that time ago. I have changed. I am not a dark and twisty person. But today, today I quite certain I am. Today I feel so dark and twisty that I don't really remember what it feels like to be bright and shiney. I'm back to being that girl that's so miserable that I can't be around normal people. I'm dark and twisty.

So no I shouldn't be emailing you today.

But I am. Because I'm stupid. I'm the stupid slutty intern that fell in love with slutty married boss, only to destroy that marriage and get knocked up by the slutty boss right before he took off for Africa.

See...dark and twisty.

I woke up in bed today and felt a little twinge in my stomach. Not a kick, it's far too early for kicks. Just a twinge. According to Izzie who has read every baby book ever published and is planning on sending you a bunch, the baby probably moved or something. So I felt a twinge. And that's when I realized how big and empty my bed felt. Because I rolled over, still half asleep, wanting you to be there, wanting to tell you all about the twinge. I wanted you there. And you weren't. Which I knew. But at the time...well the big empty bed set me into a big downward spiral of dark and twistiness.

The friends, the family, they tried to help.

But only two things can help. Tequilla, which thanks to you and your stupid sluttly boy penis is not an option. And you, which thanks to the freaking ocean is not an option.

So I'm emailing you, which is beyond stupid.

Because right now you can't help me. Nothing can help me. I've gotten in some huge messes before. Sleeping with a married attending. George. Finn. Lots and lots of messes. I'm the queen of messy lives. But nothing has compared to this. I'm pregnant, and hormonal, and my only comfort it too far away to be any comfort. And writing this email isn't even a comfort, because it doesn't solve my problem. And I know you. I know that with every word you're reading your heart is breaking a little more and I don't want that. God I don't want that. I know how hard this is on you, I know. And I don't want to make it harder.

See, really shouldn't be emailing you.

But my fingers keep typing.

I miss you, god I miss you. I hate all the romance novels and shit that say things about missing someone with every breath they take. I always assumed that was bullshit. Seemingly, it's not. Because I miss you with every breath that I take. I don't even know how I function. I spend a lot of time sitting in your office. I think it scares the others, but I need to be there. I feel you there so much. I need to feel you. I miss you. You probably feel stupid writing about that ache, but don't because I feel it too. But it doesn't go away at night, because at night I lay in our bed and it just feels empty. I feel empty.

Sometimes I just wish I had given this all up months ago. My life would have been so much easier. Our lives would have been easier.

And as much as I love our lives...sometimes I wish they were easier.

Because this is hard. This is so god damn hard. Life isn't supposed to be this hard, Derek. It's not.

Really shouldn't even send this email. But I will. Because I need you to know what I'm going through, I need you with me on this. And somehow I know that even though I'm beyond dark and twisty today, and even though I know you're probably hating all this right now, I know you still love me. Every single part of me. So you need to know every single part of me.

BabyShep loves you (even though I'm not happy with her right now, for making me miss her daddy more)

I love you.

Come home, Der. Please come home.

Yours Always

Meredith

Can't say much of anything that's new

See, I told you, sad. But don't worry, Mer will be fine. She's just having one of those days. I've been in a long distance relationship (not nearly as long distance but still) and those days happen. Those days that you feel like the only person who can make you feel better is the only person who isn't there to help. They suck but they come and go. Add a baby and pregnancy hormones into that. Yeah, tough day, but she will be fine. Just fine.

God, I'm in a long distance friendship and I have variation of those days just with that. (love you Nat)

I will update tomorrow but late like usual. Spending the day shopping with my Canadian best friend Shae and my boyfriend Matt in Ottawa. Yay! And as it's mine and Matt's 4 year anniversary (insane I know) I'll be spending my evening with him. But will update when I get home.

Read. Love. Review.