Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. I should have put it on my Christmas list. Wonder if Santa would be willing to give me GA for Christmas? He could wrap up McDreamy and put him under my tree. Okay he doesn't have to wrap him up...just put a bow on his head...or elsewhere.

Sorry for no update last night...I had a test that needed studying for. And I didn't do so well on it anyway. Probably was counterproductive that my head kept saying "Me? I'm kind of screwed." the whole time I was writing the test. Thank god I only have one left.

I think this fic now has an official length...20 chapters. Hopefully only 20. That's the goal. And of course an epilogue. 6 more chapters should take me to exactly where I want to be to end this off. And I'm saying it now...chances are very good that there will be a sequel to this fic. People always beg for them and I never do them. But this one, might actually happen. Probably will actually. But that will come later.

Enjoy! (and yes the secret will be revealed...although it seems kind of lame after all the excitement you guys had over it).

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Dear Meredith,

You're entirely right, BabyShep is the most beautiful sight in the enitre world.

And so are you.

That little surprise, that picture of you was just awesome. You've gotten more beautiful, and I didn't think that was possible. And you are showing, just barely, but enough to make me...well I don't know what but something. I should keep you pregnant all the time, you're just glowing.

God, I love you.

And god I miss you. I was hoping to catch you online, but seemingly luck isn't with me. I'm sure you're off saving lives and impressing everyone. But I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to see your belly, I wanted to see your smiling face. I just wanted to see you.

A few weeks have gone by since you sent me that email you shouldn't have sent me, and now seemingly I'm having the same kind of day. But I'm sending this. And I should be sending this because you need to know how much I love you, how much I need you. I woke up this morning literally aching for you to be beside me. It was all I wanted. I woke up in tears because you weren't there. The warmth of your body, the smell of your hair, the softness of your skin, it wasn't there.

I feel like such a cliche, but I had no idea how much I had come to depend on you until it wasn't there anymore.

And I don't like depending on people. My mom raised me. And I had my sisters. And Addison. All strong woman who never depended on me, and I never depended on them. And you're strong but a different strong. You are a strong that makes me stronger, a strong that I can depend on, a strong that pulls me in. I didn't even realize that until now. Now that I'm away from you, I realize that it's you who made me. Which is so terrifying and wonderful.

I know you grew up without a family and this is a first for you, but please understand, this is a first for me too. I had a family. But you and BabyShep, you're my family.

Okay, that doesn't make as much sense on paper (or screen as it is) as it did in my head.

I think you get it though.

And god I hate not being there. I feel like a chump for not being there. The one time in my life where I've really had somewhere I should be, and I'm in Africa. What was I thinking when I went to Africa? Why didn't you stop me? I shouldn't be here. I don't need to help all these other children when I should be at home awating the arrival of my own. God, Mer, I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to be back in Seattle, with you and BabyShep, finally living the life I have always dreamed of. But here I am. In Africa.

Right now I feel more like you than me right now. With the rambling incoherently in letters.

Maybe a need a new McNickname, because right now McDreamy doesn't fit so well.

If I had my way, I would be on the next plane out of Africa, I wouldn't spend another minute here.

Another doctor tried to hit on me today, you would have laughed at her attempt. It was pathetic to say the least. Not smooth in the slightest, I told her I was off the market and she got all flustered and said something about me not having a wedding ring on so she didn't know. And then she got an earful of you and little BabyShep. All she said was that she wishes she could find what you obviously have. Seemingly, Dr. Grey, you are one lucky lady.

Of course, you knew that already.

It made me miss you though.

And realize that I need to take care of this lack of a ring issue as soon as I get home.

Less than three months till I'm home now. I remember arriving here and thinking how wonderful it was, how great it was to be here. And now all I want to do is go home. It's not just because of the baby, although he's a big part of it. It's because of you. You're where I belong. And although my head was messed up after Mom died, I don't know why it took me going away to realize that.

I promise I'm never going away again.

Wait until Webber tries to send me to a conference, he will be shocked at my unwillingness to leave.

From now on Mer, it's you and me. And BabyShep...and future BabySheps.

But mainly you and me.

I love you. I wrote this whole long winded email just to say I love you.

I love you.

And I miss you.

I would love to write more but seemingly someone just came in with a head injury so they need me. Hope to talk to you soon.

Tell BabyShep I love him.

And I love you too.

Yours For Always

Derek

PS. Oh the tape I sent with this...it's me. According to Addison BabyShep will start learning the voices of his parents within the womb. Also according to Addison I'll get home in plenty of time for him (which she also considers a female, thanks for poisoning her by the way) to learn mine, but I don't want to risk it. So it's a recording of my voice. Talking to BabyShep. And you. Because I don't want you to forget my voice either.

Travelin' around sure gets me down and lonely

So there was McDreamy's kind of sort of flip out chapter. It was hard to write. Because when he's in a mood he gets quiet, and walks around, and runs his fingers through his hair. But he can't do that in an email so it was hard. I hope I captured him. I really do. And yes even when he was flipping out he was madly in love with Mer.

In great news...tomorrow's my last day of school till January!! How cool is that?? I'm so happy. So so happy. And it means tomorrow night I will update this and maybe even the Christmas one. If not tomorrow that one will definitely be hit on Friday. And hopefully will update the Season 3 one by the end of the weekend (but I have a lot of work so maybe not but i'm going to try). And I have another one in the works. Hahaha. So expect lots from me in the next 3 weeks.

Read. Love. Review.