Samus was in no hurry, now that she had the Phazon. And a quick look at her visor showed the city was clean. She hid the garbage bag in a dumpster, and stopped at a local bar for a few drinks. She sat on a stool next to a man that looked to be in the military. "Scotch on the rocks, please," she ordered, removing her helmet.
"Well hello, beautiful," the uniformed man said to Samus, "What do you say you and I slip into something a little more... sexual?" She stared in disbelief. "I know exactly what women like you want, and I've got plenty of it," he continued. She punched him in the stomach, making him double over in pain. He coughed and said "Let's try that again, but a little lower... And a lot softer." She couldn't believe it. His stupidity was beyond belief! She picked him up by his velour uniform and threw him out of the bar and into the street.
Samus sat back down to drink. She'd need even more now, to calm down. But then she noticed a man two seats over to the left drinking a glass of glowing blue water. "Oh, great," she muttered. She walked over to the guy and grabbed the cup.
"Hey! That's mine," he complained.
"Not anymore." Samus scanned the liquid. 98.5 percent water, 1.5 percent Phazon. Diluted Phazon? It didn't even show up on her visor until she was right next to it. She sighed. Another threat to stop. It was her duty, after all. "Hey, barkeep, what's this drink called?"
"Ehhh... 'Faze-On', or something," the bartender replied.
"Where'd you get it from?"
"Young lady, that's none of your business."
She pointed her arm cannon at him. "Tell me where you got this from, or I'll blow your head off."
"Ehhh... I got it with the normal shipment. Some guy in a wheel chair told me how to mix it. I tried some of it myself. Bit too strong for me, but everyone else likes it."
She sighed again. More work. "Give me your whole supply. Now."
---
Samus took the bag of garbage and the barrel of diluted Phazon back to her ship to stuff it into the Obliterator. It was a tool capable of destroying pretty much anything. Kind of like a high-tech garbage disposal.
Phazon safely vaporized, Samus decided to do a quick sweep of the planet with her ship's Phazon Detector, which was thousands of times more powerful than just her visor. The display monitor showed the planet had a huge amount of the stuff spread over thousands of miles. Zooming in, however, she noticed it was most concentrated around large assisted living facilities. She remembered that Fry and the bartender both got their supply from guys in wheel chairs. "Space Pirates must be storing the Phazon in these assisted living buildings to throw me off. They're probably paying the disabled people to distribute it! Hmmm, it looks like the closest building is only two miles from here," Samus thought, looking at the screen. She decided to check it out.
---
The Palm Haven Assisted Living Facility was a very large building that looked like a mansion. Samus knocked on the front door, not risking another missile mishap. A young woman in a blue uniform with a name tag labelled "CINDY" answered. "Hi, can I help you?" she asked.
"I'm looking for something called Phazon. It's blue, and it glows. I think someone may be sneaking large quantities into this building."
"Yeah, we carry Phazon here. What do you want?"
Samus thought, "Ah-HAH, so they are working for the Space Pirates!" She raised her arm cannon and fired. Cindy screamed as her left arm parted from her shoulder, smoldering. She fainted, and Samus stepped over her body, into the building.
And old man came from around the corner in a wheel chair. His skin color was a faint blue. "What the hell is going on around here? Who the hell are you? What the hell did you do to Cindy?"
"Phazon. Where is it?" Samus demanded.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Give me your Phazon supplies."
"What the hell do you think we've been doing? We're giving some to everyone, just wait your turn, dammit!"
"You're spreading radioactive material all over the planet. You'll kill everyone." She knew now what was going on. These people had Phazon Madness. They actually thought the Phazon was helping them, now that they were addicted to it. The hallucinations were warping their personalities. She couldn't let them continue their distribution.
The old man calmly wheeled around the corner, picked up the phone, and patiently dialed 9-1-1. "Now, get out of here before the police get here," he threatened.
"The police?" Samus laughed, "They can't hurt me." She decided to search the building. Not too surprisingly, in the basement, there were barrels upon barrels of diluted Phazon. It was hardly registering on her visor, even in such large quantities.
Samus planted a bomb, setting the timer for twenty minutes. She went back upstairs, and told everyone to evacuate or be converted to vapor.
---
Well, one Phazon stockpile taken care of, and only four people had to die. That's a mission success in Samus' book. After the explosion (or implosion, rather, since that was the best way to make sure the Phazon wouldn't spread around), she interrogated a few of the people that got out of the building in time.
"Where did you get the Phazon?" she asked one of the survivors.
"I'll never talk!" But he did talk, once he had a very large gun in his face. "Okay, okay. We got it from a meteor that landed on our home planet, Handi-Kappa VII."
"Where is this planet?"
"It's twenty light-years away. You'll never find it!"
Samus knew twenty light-years was far too much distance to cover. Her fuel supplies would run dry half way there, and she couldn't rely on nearby planets having the kind of fuel her ship needed. She remembered the Planet Express delivery ship from earlier that day. Leela had mentioned that it had dark-matter engines... Perhaps that would be the best choice for such a long trip.
She got out of there before the police even showed up.
---
Leela, Fry, and Bender were sitting on the couch watching TV. Fry had had his system drained of the poisonous Phazon, so his hallucinations were back to normal. Then Hermes' voice came over the intercom. "Hey, come to the meetin' table. We have a new mission."
They groaned, but got up and shuffled to the meeting room. Once they sat down, Professor Farnsworth started to speak. "Hello, everyone. As I'm sure you all know, these Handi-Kappians have been appearing all over the city, handing out the poisonous material Phazon. Well, this girl here wants to stop them," he said, gesturing toward Samus.
Leela recognized her as the emotionally unstable woman that blew their door in that morning. "What are you doing here?" she asked flatly.
"I need your ship," Samus replied, "Mine would run out of fuel before I got to the planet."
"And why should we help you?"
The Professor chimed in. "She paid us. Your mission is to deliver her and her ship to the planet Handi-Kappa VII of the Assisted Living Nebula."
"We'd love to, but--" Leela started to object.
Farnsworth cut her off. "Then it's settled! Off you go."