"Please don't say that Bella." He begged, his pleading just as pathetic as I was.
"I'm 28 Edward." The realization hit me hard.
"So what?"
"You're 17. That's illegal."
"Must we go into this now?"
"Absolutely."
"Bella, why?"
"It's reality Edward. It may not be good and it may not be right, but it just is!" I lashed out at him, faking some form of low wisdom derived from an even lower form of philosophy.
"I still love you. I had to see you; I had to talk to you. Please, don't push me away." His speech was heart-wrenching and I had to fight to gather all strength within me to resist his perfect words. They lulled me into a feeling of safety and an even strange kind of happiness.
"What do you want me to do Edward? Fall into your arms and kiss you, pretend that everything is okay, that I'm okay? Do you expect me to hold on to your every word, every gesture like a stupid and inexperienced teenaged girl?" The venom of my words flowed through the air between, poisoning any kind of goodwill.
"Life has been hard on you Bella. But I don't believe you're as cold hearted as you think." He observed keenly, raising an eyebrow ever so slightly in surprise.
"If anything's made me cold hearted it's you Edward Cullen." The tears crashed down like waterfalls. I could feel the make up running down my face, causing an already horrific sight to become terrifying.
"That's the last thing I ever wanted." He replied to my accusation sadly
"Well, maybe you're more powerful than you think." I said sarcastically.
"Bella… please understand, I wanted you to live a normal life. I didn't want you to become a dead, blood lusting monster. I couldn't take your life." He explained for the millionth time.
"A normal life?" I scoffed and laughed sardonically. "Do you have any idea what my life has become because of you Edward?" I tried to so hard not give anything away, I couldn't let him know how miserable I was without him, but I wanted him to suffer with me. I tried without success. "I never want to see anyone, do anything. When I'm not miserable and writing even more miserable novels and crap poetry I'm self-medicating with Valium or crying my eyes out because I can't feel anything. I try to make some kind of human connections, find warmth, love in random hook ups and dreadful flings. I don't know what to do with myself and nothing, I mean nothing means anything to me including my nonexistent friends and estranged family." I was sobbing uncontrollably. "Is that the life you wanted for me Edward? Huh? Because, if it was then I owe you all of my gratitude. Thank you so much Edward for sparing me from an eternity of misery!"
He became a perfect statue. Still and beautiful. I, on the other hand, stood shaking and shuddering in between tears. I loved and hated him. I hated myself, and yet I was proud that I finally stood up to him. I had finally said what I wanted to say all these years, but I felt even worse. This was a vicious cycle and I was caught in a lose-lose situation that couldn't be mended.
"Aren't you going to say anything?" I pleaded.
His honey eyes remained still and motionless. They never looked so dead and dull. All the fire and energy seemed to evaporate into the stench-filled air surrounding us. We were wrapped up in some quilt of misery, composed of harsh words, treacherous images that haunted our memories. It was as if we were the only two people on the planet and the planet had warped into a kind of hell for the lonely and distraught. It remained dumb and ugly.
"Where did you go Bella? What have I done to you?" He finally spoke, voice deep and low, though he seemed to be addressing himself.
I wanted to reach out to him, pull him to me and cradle him in my arms as I proceeded to cry into his hair. I was torn in all directions. Nothing seemed right.
"Bella, are you- " Diana's voice rang behind me.
I turned to find her in awe, clearly due to Edward's glorious presence.
"I guess I better let your friend take you home." He whispered.
I stood completely still, tears still streaming down my face. He leaned in slowly planting a cold kiss on my cheek and then walked away, no glided.
"Bella…" Diana was never at a loss for words.
"Let's go." I said coldly without turning to face her and headed off in the direction of the parking lot. I heard her heels clicking lightly as she followed at a distance, unable to comfort me.
We didn't speak on the way home. Diana drove blasting the car stereo. I melted into the car seat, praying to disappear.
"It'll be better in the morning." Diana finally spoke as I made my way into my temporary bedroom.
I flung clothes and toiletries everywhere as I desperately searched for my pills. I was ready to pull my hair out, overcome by an overwhelming sense of anxiety and fear. A rush of images attacked my mind, wreaking havoc on my entire body. I had connected my body and mind too closely, now they never seemed to function apart. When one went haywire so did the other. Maybe it was the drugs.
I collapsed on the tiny rug near the bed. I was too exhausted to undress or even get up. Having failed to find what I was looking for I realized I would have to do this alone. I cried dreadfully onto the floor when I felt something gently touching my hair. My head shot up.
He stood before me, dark and brooding in the low light of the room. The curtains danced with the night breeze.
Before I could protest he had scooped me into his arms and I was clutching to him with all my might on the bed. He gently stroked my hair, kissed my forehead and cheeks, caressed my bare arms. I was completely intoxicated and addicted. I must have forgotten just what kind of an effect he had on me. My body tingled all over and my blood coursed through my veins while my heart pounded with such force I was sure it would fall out of my chest. My head swam in soft, warm, fluff, taken over by total calm. I rested my forehead over his dead heart and breathed raggedly onto him.
"Don't cry, love. Don't cry." He cooed so tenderly, my heart broke all over again.
"Edward." The word rolled of my tongue with such grace and magnificence that I couldn't believe I had said it.
I reached up and stroked his face, outlining his flawless features with my hands. He closed his eyes in content and sighed.
"I'm here Bella." He reassured me, his topaz eyes flying open. They were aflame once again with passion and desire.
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