Brittany reached the bottom of the ladder before streams of tears pushed their way down her cheeks, she sobbed and wiped them away angrily from her face.
She stumbled a few steps before she slumped down against a tree, she could hear Santana's soft sniffles from the tree house above and it made her heart ache even more.
She replayed the evening over in her mind; she couldn't believe how an hour ago she'd been tangled up with Santana, happy and content, how did it all go so wrong?
Her mind wandered back to the time when she was 6, the school bell ringing signaling the end of the day and the teacher would line her class up in the school yard and they would raise their hand up when they saw their parents so they could be dismissed. Even though Brittany had loved school, she always looked forward to the few hours she got to spend alone with her mother at the park, feeding the ducks or playing on the swings before they had to head home and she had to do her homework.
She thought specifically about the day where she hadn't rushed happily towards her mom, gushing about the pictures she had painted that day or the games she had played at lunch time, instead she rushed towards her as tears fell from her eyes and she wrapped her arms around her mom's waist and buried her face there.
She remembered the way her mom had frowned as she peered down at her, unwrapping her arms so she could see Brittany's face.
"What's wrong Britty?" she asked, so unused to seeing Brittany like this.
Brittany was so upset she couldn't speak, big sobs shook her chest and she couldn't get her words out.
"Hey, whatever it is we'll work it out ok? Just calm down, take big breaths," her mum instructed wrapping her arms around her and scooping her up.
She carried her all the way to the car like that and by the time she got there, Brittany had calmed down.
Her mom placed her in her booster seat and started the car, letting Brittany take her time in divulging whatever had happened that had gotten her so upset.
They arrived at the park but her mom parked at a different spot, a spot that overlooked the lake and the ducks and helped Brittany out of the car.
She caught the last tears that still lay on Brittany's pale cheeks with her lips and kissed them away. They walked over to a bench and sat down together. The view was gorgeous, even to a 6 year old.
"Are you ok?" her mom asked and Brittany nodded, curled up into her side, "you want to tell me about it?"
"Lily said I was a bad friend," Brittany cried again, thinking about her friend yelling at her, "she yelled at me."
"And why did she think you were a bad friend Britt?" her mom asked, knowing how sensitive her daughter was when others were upset with her.
"Well at lunch time, Jessica asked me if I wanted to play skipping with her and I really did mom, but she said that Lily couldn't play with us, it was only a game for two people, so I said I didn't mind taking it in turns and Lily could share my goes but Jess said no, it was just me and her, so I asked Lily if she minded and she said no, but I could tell she was sad, but I played anyway because I thought she would just find someone else to play with, but she didn't, she spent the whole time just watching us."
Brittany's mom listened to Brittany's recount, remembering what it was like to be at school when someone said you couldn't join in and how it felt like the worse thing in the world at the time, that was probably how Lily had felt watching Brittany and Jess.
"You know Britt," her mom started, "you can probably see yourself why Lily got so upset with you, even though I know you would never leave someone out on purpose it's always a good idea to put yourself in their position, imagine how you would feel if you were Lily, if your best friend played with someone else when you weren't allowed, would it make you feel good?"
Brittany thought it over in her head, "I would probably feel sad but then I would find someone else to play with," she confirmed.
"That's good Britt, but what if you didn't find someone else to play with? What if you had to sit and watch like Lily?"
"I guess I would be upset too," she concluded sadly. "So I am a bad friend?" Brittany asked looking up at her mother for confirmation.
"No, baby," her mom laughed, "you are the sweetest, most caring friend ever," her mom gushed bopping the end of her nose, "you know how I know?" her mom whispered.
"No," Brittany spoke, hanging on her moms every word.
"Because you care Brittany, because you have been this upset over it, you won't be able to forget it until you make it right, always remember Britt, try and think what it would be like to be in the others person's position, how would you feel if you were them?"
"Is that what you do mom?" Brittany asked.
"Yeah, baby, I try too, I find it really helps; then I know how others are going to feel before I do something."
"That's smart," Brittany smiled, "maybe everyone should do that?"
Brittany's mom laughed, "You're right Britty,"
"Maybe if everyone who knows, teaches it to someone else, then maybe one day everybody in the world would do it." Brittany smiled already imagining it.
"Maybe," her mom smiled, "I love you so much baby, so you know what you have to do tomorrow?"
"Yeah, mom, I have to make it right."
Brittany wiped her tears that still fell and wondered what her mom would think now, would she think she was a good girlfriend? She hadn't put herself in Santana's position; thought about it from her point of view, she had just been so overwhelmed with the idea of loosing Santana and being denied the chance to be her 'real' girlfriend that she let her emotions get the better of her.
When she thought about it now, she guessed it didn't really matter if Santana's parents knew about them, obviously it wasn't ideal but if Santana wanted to; needed to keep them a secret, as her girlfriend she should be supportive and help her, not try to force her into something she was obviously so afraid of. Not everyone was lucky enough to have supportive parents. That thought struck her deeply now and it made her even sadder that her mom wasn't around anymore.
She closed her eyes and thought back, longing to scoop Santana up in her arms the way her mom had done to her and kiss away her tears and tell her they'd work it out together.
She should be by Santana's side, telling her that no matter how long she had to wait, it didn't matter because she would wait forever if she had too, as long as she still had her.
She didn't know what to do now, she wanted to go and apologize and talk it out some more but she didn't know if it was best to give Santana space and talk to her in the morning.
But she knew she wouldn't sleep well, her mom was right, she was never any good when others were upset with her, so she pulled herself up and walked over to the ladder, it was considerably darker now with a chill in the air, she figured she'd been down here for awhile, it was silent in the tree house now.
/
Santana's words had echoed around in her head for the past ten minutes, "Britt, please don't leave," but she had, she had left Santana up here alone, crying soft tears for all that had been said between them.
She pulled her clothes on angrily, sad that the night had been ruined but more so sad about the fact that Brittany was now questioning Santana's feelings towards her. She closed her eyes, the image of Brittany's tear stained face pushed to the forefront, surrounding her, making her sniffles turn to hiccups.
She needed to make this right with Brittany, if only she had been able to say what she really wanted too, she wanted to tell Brittany that the idea of life without her once she left here would be like trying to breathe without air, or trying to make pizza without cheese, she needed to make her see that.
The actual thought of walking away from her in a little under 4 weeks time was suffocating in itself; she would make the 2 hour journeys to visit Brittany every weekend, she imagined herself filling the train journeys with poems about Brittany or drawings of the girl, she imagined them going for walks, dates to the cinema and picnics in the park. Thinking about it now, she knew she had to go and find her girl and make it all right again.
She was sorry for the way her parents were, she would try to turn their opinions, no matter how hard, because Brittany was right, stood side by side they could do anything. She wanted them to see how awesome Brittany was, she wanted them to tell her that they were happy she had found someone who made her happy, tell her they were proud of her and support her in her relationship.
The idea of her parents reaction she realized was one of her main fears in 'coming out,' yes, they didn't always have a great relationship but they were her parents, they had brought her into this world and even though she often had to fight for their attention, they always wanted the best for her, wanted her to achieve at school, be the best that she could.
If only they could see her now, here at this camp, where she was excelling and growing, tasting her first spoonful of independence and finding herself, becoming the women she wanted to be. Her eyes wandered around the room and fell to the painting she had made and given Brittany for her birthday, she smiled to herself, edging towards it and running her finger along the brush strokes of Brittany's blonde hair.
She brought it to her chest and held it tight, remembering the way Brittany's hair would trickle through her fingers softly and golden.
She missed her. It was that simple. She needed to go and find her.
Wiping her eyes she sat down to put on her shoes.
/
Brittany shook her body one last time as she was about to climb the ladder, her head still spun with too many thoughts but her headache had eased alongside her realization that she just wanted to make things right with Santana, she picked a flower from the ground, it was purple and very pretty, she thought Santana would love it. She placed it in her hand and carefully climbed up.
As her head popped into the open space of the tree house, she saw Santana sat on the blankets putting her shoes on, her eyes were red and she could see the marks the tears had left as they fell down her cheeks.
"Hey," she whispered as tears began to fall again. Santana's head spun round to follow the voice.
"Britt," she smiled, relieved.
"I've come to say sorry," Brittany spoke meekly "and to give you this," and she held the flower out to her, "it's a crocus," she spoke, "it represents cheerfulness like the sun, I hope that's what we can get back to here," she finished, pulling herself up.
"Oh, Britt, I'm so glad you came back, I was just about to come and find you," Santana choked pulling her into her arms.
"I never left," Brittany declared, "I was just downstairs, listen San," she gushed, pushing a soft brown curl behind her ear, "I am so sorry, for all the things I said, I was being selfish, I wasn't thinking."
Santana stopped her by kissing her hard on the lips, "No baby, I'm the one whose sorry, I don't ever want you to ever question how I feel for you again, I don't ever want you to think you come second to anything, to anyone." She replied with tears flowing freely. "I have so much I want to say to you Britt but you know I struggle with words so bear with me ok?"
"San, you don't have to say anything, ok? I get it, I mean it's your parents, of course they matter and I don't and won't push you into anything as long as I get to have you San."
"Of course you get to have me, I'm surprised you still want me." She laughed, "I cause you nothing but problems,"
"No you don't, come here." She asked as she pulled Santana to sit facing her.
"Britt, I want you to know a few things ok?" she spoke, holding Brittany's hands in her lap.
"Firstly, my parents are good honest people, they work hard, have given me a home and supported me through school and have put up with my mood swings and tempers for many years now, and yeah we're not that close, but they are still my parents, even though I never tell them, I love them."
"Of course you do San," Brittany nodded, "I get that and I never want that to change," she encouraged.
"But," Santana continued, "they are set in their ways, they have certain expectations and their own beliefs and they are very against same sex relationships, I know it's wrong, but they don't, it's how they've grown up, and my abuela is even worse, they see it as a sin and I've heard them talk about it in passing a few times, how people have been banished from families and churches and it scares me, they are all I've ever known and I guess my apprehensiveness stems from them, I've come to terms with myself and how I can't fight who I am anymore, but for them, it's going to be a huge shock."
Brittany watched her and felt even worse for the things she had said before.
"I had no idea it would be so bad," she choked, rubbing Santana's arm affectionately.
"Yeah, it is," Santana confirmed, "I don't want anyone to ever tell you that how you feel isn't real or that it's wrong Brittany, I don't ever want you to face abuse and challenged for that, especially for me, and that's why I don't want to tell them about us, I don't know what I would do if they ever treated you like that, spoke to you in that way, that's why I said all those things before, not because I don't care but because I care so much."
She looked up to meet Brittany's eyes, "I think I could take them saying things about me, but about you, I know I couldn't stand by and let that happen, so what I'm asking you is that you give me time, let me think of a plan and a way to tell them when I think it's right, it doesn't mean that I feel any less about you, that my feelings aren't as strong, it just means I am trying to protect you."
Brittany felt the tears slide down her cheeks again, she let them fall, as she fell against Santana's shoulder.
"I'm so sorry San," she uttered, "I didn't mean all those things I said before, I know how you feel about me, I'm sorry that I accused you of going back to Puck and rubbishing the person you were before."
"Shh, Britt, it's fine, you didn't know and if it had been the other way round, I would of felt the same too, I'd of been really sad thinking you were trying to hide us."
"I know, but that doesn't make it less wrong, you were right, I made a promise to you about always telling the truth and solving our problems together and then I go and break that promise."
"Hey, you came back didn't you and you even brought me flowers," she smiled trying to brighten the mood.
Brittany placed her lips against Santana's neck and lightly planted the softest of kisses there, "thank you," she whispered.
"For what?" Santana asked.
"For opening my eyes," Repeating Santana's words from earlier. "For showing me how lucky I am, I have the most caring girlfriend ever who shows me how awesome she is every single minute we are together, but also how lucky I am with the people I have around me, I guess I've never thought about how hard some people have it, I mean I practically skipped my way out of the closest without a backward glance, not appreciating how lucky I was, how hard some people find it."
"Britt, I'm so glad it was that easy for you baby, I really am, but yeah, it's not like that for everyone."
"I'll do whatever I can to help you ok?"
"I know you will, and I'm sorry it has to be this way, but no matter what we face, I want you to know that I'd choose you every time, that I'd choose our relationship every time."
"That means a lot baby." Brittany acknowledged pulling their bodies closer together.
Santana pulled the cushions underneath their heads as they lay back down together; Brittany however chose to rest her head on Santana's chest, finding comfort in her heartbeat.
They lay like that for a while, lost in their own thoughts about the other.
"You know, I want to do something to show you how serious I am about you," Santana spoke breaking the silence.
"What do you mean?" Brittany queried.
"Let's tell someone here about us, to celebrate," she suggested.
Brittany eyed her carefully, "even though I love the idea, we don't have too, you have nothing to prove."
"Ok then, what about if I said I want to?" Santana smiled.
"I'd say you are trying to trick me," Brittany laughed back.
"I'm serious Britt, I want you to know, that I'm in this for the long haul."
Brittany studied her for a few minutes, Santana held her eyes steady, the lips pulled up into a smile.
"You're serious?" Brittany questioned with her furrowed brows.
"Super serious," Santana stated.
"Ok, out of interest who was you think about telling?" Brittany quizzed.
"I thought maybe Rachel? What do you think?"
"I think it makes perfect sense, she has two gay dads it's totally normal to her and no matter how loud and annoying she can be, she has a heart of gold and will keep our secret."
"So it's set then?"
"I'm not sure San, we don't have to do this yet; you have nothing to prove you know?"
"I know, but I think we should."
"Ok, if you're sure," Brittany smiled, letting Santana know she was really excited about it. "How do you want to tell her?"
"I don't know, let's think about it tonight and decide in the morning, sound good?"
"Sounds perfect." Brittany smiled, resting her head back down on Santana's chest.
Santana started chuckling then, causing Brittany's head to vibrate on her chest.
"What's so funny?" Brittany asked, leaning up to look at her.
"I was just thinking about Sam and Finn and if Sam has text Rachel yet thinking she was his mom," she chuckled. "Who else did you swap?"
Brittany started laughing too; "I changed the number for the vets with the number for Mike too; I know Sam was pretty keen with the receptionist at the surgery so that should be an interesting one!"
"Genius," Santana uttered, "I really wanna see Finn try and put his shoes on though, just the thought of him thinking his feet have swollen in the night is just too much." She laughed.
"Maybe we should wake up early and head back down to the huts, maybe do a workout on the grass and wait for them to wake up."
"A workout huh?" Santana teased, raising her eyebrow, "I can think of a good workout we could do," she smirked, rolling over on top of Brittany.
"I bet you can," Brittany laughed as she leaned up to join their lips.
They kissed softly at first but that didn't last long, both were hungry for the taste of the other and battled for control, hands found bare skin and tickled and squeezed and they got so lost in each other that they didn't hear the sound of footsteps on the ladder below.
Brittany rolled them over so she could be on top and Santana wrapped her arms around her neck, bringing her down, to rejoin their lips.
They were suddenly aware they were not alone when a voice spoke out….
Hope you enjoyed this, I decided to update quicker because I'm really enjoying writing about the issue with Santana's parents, a close friend has recently been through this so I'm trying to show how important and hard it is when parental support isn't there! Leave a review if you're feeling kind!