#14 – Sex

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals...

"Report number 537," Zim muttered as he walked through the almost deserted streets of main street. "Subject: 'Night Life.' While many Earth humans profess to love this 'Night Life' thingie, most humans abandon it in favor of beds by three AM. This may be due to the human's obsession with 'sleep.' Further research is required."

Coming to a street corner, Zim looked down at the shut up shops and clubs. He chuckled slightly. Stupid Pig-Smellys. Little did they know that all their secrets would soon be revealed to the almighty-ness of the Almighty ZIM! How he would rejoice the day the armada arrived and he was able to wipe every last disgusting creature from this planet.

They would rue the day that Zim had come to this filty mudball. RUE!

"Hey, big boy. Lookin' for some action?"

Zim stopped mid thought rant, turning slightly to eye the Earth female who beckoned him from the alley. Humans were a confusing race. The Earth female who smiled and waved at him sweetly was not wearing enough clothing to properly warm her on this dark night nor did her strangely colourful garments offer any camouflage. There was only the possibility she was a lure, but the clothes were too tight to properly conceal any Earth weapon. Deciding that she was not a threat, Zim cautiously approached. "What do you want, Pig-Smelly?" he demanded, hands on his hips.

The woman smiled so widely Zim worried for a moment that she would try to bite him. "Like it dirty, do we? I can make it dirty, my man."

Waving his hand dismissively, Zim shook his head. "I have no interest in Earth filth, foolish Earth-Smelly. Now why did you summon ZIM!?" He glared at her as the woman blinked at him and looked puzzled for a moment. "TELL ME!"

"I could show you a good time," the woman said, exposing one shoulder and smiling again through brightly painted red lips. "You up to it, man?"

"I doubt I could find any of your human attractions a 'good time.' Now BE GONE with you FILTHY EARTH FEMALE!" Zim shouted, glaring at the woman and pointing at her.

A cross look flashed over the woman's face as she stomped a high heeled foot on the ground. "I'm not goin' no where, tough man."

"FINE! Then ZIM will leave!"

"Good!" the woman shouted at Zim's quickly retreating back. "You just keep going there! Guys these day, no idea how to treat a lady... No way you'll be getting the secret from me then!"

Zim froze in mid-step, antenna twitching underneath his wig. "Secret?" he repeated, slowly turning around. "What secret?"

The woman glared at Zim for a long moment as if wondering if trying to salvage her gig would be worth the time or money. "You know, The Secret," she said slowly, her voice flat. "The secret that only a woman can show to a man."

"TELL ZIM YOUR SECRET!" Diving for the woman he grabbed her by the front of her dress and hauled her down so they were eye level. "You will tell Zim your secret, Earth Filth! Tell me now..."

Looking bewildered, the woman finally smiled sweetly and tried not to look too put off by the fact that she was being man handled by a man half her size. "Sure thing, sweetness. I charge a hundred for the full job."

One eye larger then the other, Zim glared at the woman. "One hundred Earth dollars and the secret is mine?"

"One hundred American dollars," the woman corrected, pulling away from him to brush herself off. "I don't take no Canadian."

His PAK was able to replicate such currency so Zim nodded, grabbing the produced money and shoving it in the woman's face. "Now... THE SECRET!"

"Not so fast," the woman laughed, briefly counting the money before stuffing it in her bra. "We gotta get out of this alley first... I know a good motel around the corner. Charges hourly."

"And then your secret will me mine?"

"'Course, darlin.' I'll be all yours there."

Dib glanced nervously up at Zim before quickly looking down at his food again. Okay, this was getting creepy now. Ever since skool had started, Zim had done nothing but stare at him with an unreadable alien look on his face. This in and of itself was strange. Sure, he and Zim were prone to staring at each other but usually the stares were composed of glares and dirty looks. Plus there was always the occasional threat or growled insult. Zim hadn't said a word. All day. Dib suspected the apocalypse was coming soon.

Glancing up once more, Dib wondered if he should say anything. No... No he shouldn't. Zim wanted him to comment on the alien's strange activity. This was all just some sort of bizarre alien mind trick. A game Zim had come up with and started playing without ever telling Dib the rules. Nope. He wasn't going to say anything. Nothing at all. No way, no how, his mouth was-

"WHAT DO YOU WANT, ZIM!?" Dib found himself suddenly screaming, his hands pounding down on the table as he stood so he was eye level with the alien's blank gaze.

One of Zim's eyes widened slightly and Dib got the impression that Zim was eyeing him curiously. Folding his arms, the green boy stood on the other side of the table for another long moment before shaking his head. "You humans are disgusting," he said walking away.

"Huh?" was all Dib could think of to say as Zim left the lunch room. That hadn't been the ending to this story that the boy had expected. Sighing deeply, Dib began picking at his food again. "Aliens are weird..."

I made the mistake of downloading Google Earth to look at deserts for a Geology paper I was doing. Now I'm a Google Earth fanatic. I lost at least two hours to that stupid program today. Stupid cool maps...

Well, as you can all probably tell this isn't Regret. No Regret isn't going to be my next Chocolate (which still refuses to become finished). I regret (Get it? Regret? God, I'm witty /sarcasm) to inform you, but I typed it up at school and planned to e-mail it to myself in order to review it, but forgot. And I'm too lazy to re-type it up. So I tried to put the finishing touches on this one instead.

And remember kiddies... Prostitution is bad! If you sleep around, the kids at school will call you a fire crotch and then you'll be all sad and... stuff. Yeah... I sleep now.