Until We Bleed

Woo, look at this, updated twice in one week. Within two days of each other too, well done me. I'm really working it to get this story done so I have one less thing to deal with.

Title song is by Kleerup and Lykke Li. I really don't know what inspired me to use this song. Parts of it work for this chapter so maybe that's why. Any who...

Reviewer Response:

Adaddario: Uh...well...umm...here (passes you a box of tissues) you may need those.

The moment was surreal and awfully familiar as Dean stood in the cemetery, hands in his pockets, staring at a gravestone.

Only he wasn't alone this time.

The grave wasn't filled with an empty coffin.

At his side, there was a sniffling noise, and he took his hand out of his pocket and reached down to the little hand. The little girl gripped his hand tightly before she turned and buried her face against his leg. He looked down at the dirty blonde head of his goddaughter and sighed, fighting off his own tears.

Glancing at his other side, he watched Castiel and Meg, holding onto each other. Meg still bruised, her arm in a sling, her colouring pale. She had wanted to be there, had demanded it, and so she had been allowed. Castiel's arm ran up and down her back as she leaned heavily on him. The brunette woman lifted her eyes to him, dark orbs filled with multiple apologies. When she had woken up in the hospital and found out what happened, her first words to Dean had been nothing but expressing how sorry she was. It was the first time Castiel had actually seen his girlfriend break down and it had shocked and confused him as he awkwardly tried to comfort her. She had, for the first time, told him she loved him, and somehow between tears, they had ended up engaged.

Dean looked around at the other people present in the cemetery, ones he didn't really know. People who had come to pay their respects for the deceased person they had worked with for the last few months since the group had moved to the city. They had all shook his hand, patted his back, offered their condolences, saying things about how great a person the dead was. How every day had been more enjoyable with them around.

Gabriel was there, this being his last day in the city before his flight back home. He lifted his eyes from the gravestone to lock with Dean and gave him a sympathetic look. Dean just looked at him, his gaze cold, something Gabriel understood. He figured he was going to be getting blamed for whatever bad things happened to the people that Crowley had held, just because he had stalled Dean from going in himself. Gabriel sighed heavily and looked back at the gravestone, internally apologizing for being too late.

Finally, Dean lifted his eyes to the woman across the grave from him. Flanked by a nurse and sitting in a wheelchair. Holly had yet to remove her eyes from the gravestone since her arrival. She hadn't wanted to be around Dean or Castiel or Meg or even, surprisingly, Carly. It had hurt the little girl so much when she had seen her godmother getting out of a car into the wheelchair and had been told by the nurse that she needed to keep a distance. Dean had gritted his teeth but held his tongue at that. He was glad she was alive, glad that she hadn't been physically destroyed like the last time, but he was pissed that Holly was ignoring them all, ignoring himself and Carly.

She had lost the baby.

Whatever drugs Crowley had pumped into her had destroyed the weak, still developing live. In the week between them being recovered and this funeral, Holly had lost a severe amount of weight. The hospital was insisting on her staying and she put up no fight for it.

Dean dropped his eyes to Holly's hands where they rested on her legs, void of any rings. Her first coherent act when she had woken up and gotten around her paralysis was ripping off the ring that Crowley had put on her. Dean's own ring to her, the engagement ring, hadn't been found.

He wondered at how Holly managed to convince the doctors and nurses to allow her to come to the funeral when she denied so many attempts to see everyone.

He was pissed, he wanted her home, he wanted the old Holly. He was heartbroken over the baby, of course he was, but he clearly didn't understand and it pissed him off even more.

"Dean..." Carly's little voice spoke up and Dean looked down at her. She pointed to the man standing at the podium and Dean looked to see he was being gestured at. He gave a nod and picked up the three year old before making his way over. He stood at the wooden box and looked down into the hole at the coffin that held his brother.

"Sam was...Sam was my brother...and my best friend." Dean started. He looked around at the people around him. "He was a good guy, everything I wasn't. He was...he was Sam." A few people cracked smiles. No one outside of Dean, Castiel, Meg, Gabriel and Holly knew the truth of what happened, at least not the full truth. The people there, they all knew that Sam was beaten to death, but they were given no other explanations. Dean bit his lip for a moment, his eyes starting to get watery. "I...Sam always wanted a family. I believe he would have been a great dad and husband. He didn't deserve to die, didn't deserve to not get his wish. My...my little brother...he died...so other people could live." Dean turned his eyes to Holly and was surprised to see her looking at him. "He died...so that...my fiancee...could live." He took a deep breath, holding back cursing when Holly dropped her eyes back to the grave. Without another word, Dean stepped away from the podium and walked to the Impala, Carly crying against his shoulder.

SLTD***SPN***SLTD***SPN

Two Months Later

"You're gonna be late!" Dean called out, running around his apartment and cramming a piece of toast into his mouth.

"I'm not going." Carly grumbled, stomping out of her room, still in her pyjamas. Dean sighed and walked over to her. She looked up at him, hair unbrushed, arms crossed firmly across her chest, face scrunched up in a frown. He would have laughed had this not been a serious type of day. He knew the girl still hurt over everything but this was big, it had to happen.

"Yes you are, come on." Dean pleaded, dropping to knees in front of the girl and clasping his hands together. "Please, please, please. You know I wouldn't do this if it wasn't important." Carly looked at him and whined. Dean pouted and then grinned when the little girl returned to her room to get dressed. "I love you, baby."

"I love you too...jerk." Carly muttered. Dean blinked, the nickname stinging only because of it's familiarity in its links to his brother. He honestly didn't care if the little girl said it to him, but only him, it just reminded him too much of Sam.

A knock on the door brought him out of his thoughts and up off his knees. He crossed the room and peaked through the hole before opening the door to look at his visitor.

Holly stood on the other side, looking sheepish. She had only started making attempts to talk to everyone again the previous week. Things had been so awkward since her release from the hospital that she had been staying at a hotel for the last month, having only been in the apartment for two days after her release.

"I wasn't sure if...I...should...knock or...come in." Holly muttered.

"You could have just come in." Dean pointed out, stepping aside to let her in. "It's technically your apartment too, you know."

"Is she ready?" Holly asked.

"Kicking up a fuss about it, but she should be soon." Dean replied. Holly nodded slowly and sighed. She knew well enough that Carly hated her these days. With the way she had acted, she didn't blame the child. "You sure you're going to be good?"

"Yeah." Holly assured him. Dean looked a little doubtful. He wanted them to bond again, sure, he wanted Holly with them, he wanted to marry her, but he wasn't sure if Holly was ready to take Carly for the day on her own. He still didn't know how she felt mentally. Meg spent most of the time with the blonde in the last month, mostly because she was incredibly imposing and wouldn't let Holly push her away. The wedding had been postponed, not called off, since the incident and with everything going on, there was questions as to whether or not Holly would even want to get married these days.

"I got a few minutes to spare still." Dean muttered, not sure where he was going with that. Holly looked at him. He paused and looked at her then rubbed the back of his neck. "I just...I...damn it, Holls...I miss you. I know damn well Carly does too."

"Me too." Holly whispered, looking down.

"Then what's going on?" Dean asked. He reached out cautiously, well aware that Holly didn't like getting touched these days. He loosely put his hands on her arms and sighed when she didn't flinch.

"The hospital...has me...seeing a therapist." Holly muttered, looking down. Dean watched her, waiting for her to continue. She looked up at him, eyes watering. "It's my fault."

"I...what?" Dean questioned, frowning. Was she honestly blaming herself?

"It's my fault Sam is dead." Holly ground out, looking miserable and angry. "It's my fault the baby is dead. It's my fault Meg was beat so badly that she almost died."

"Shut up." Dean demanded harshly but quietly. He glanced to Carly's room then looked at the woman in front of him. "It's not your damn fault, stop saying that."

"I just can't believe it, no matter who says it." Holly pointed out, shaking her head and looking off to the side. "And it's not like...like Sam can tell me he doesn't blame me."

"Why would he ever blame you, he fucking loved you, Holls." Dean reminded her. Holly blinked tears from her eyes and Dean took her head in his hands lightly, his thumbs brushing at the wet streaks. "Please Holly, you have to understand that. This was none of your fault. Please...please you gotta believe me. You gotta come back. We need you. I need you."

"Don't make me cry more." Holly whispered, pleading. "If I cry, you cry, and then this day won't go anywhere."

"Then fine, it won't." Dean stated firmly. Holly just stared at him. "I'll call Lisa or Cas and have them take care of Carly if you want. You and me will just...stand here and cry. If that helps." He pushed his forehead against hers, eyes shut. Holly squeezed her own eyes shut and fought back the sobs that were threatening. She fought back the urge that suddenly sprung up to bolt.

She was tired.

Just so damn tired.

"Dean please..." Holly whispered, barely audible.

"It's over Holly." Dean muttered softly, making her pause. He pressed his lips to her forehead then looked at her. She kept her eyes closed, tears coursing down her cheeks. "It's over. All the pain, anyone that can hurt us." Her eyes slowly opened then turned up to look at him. "I love you, baby. I want to help you. You need to let me help you because I've lost you too many times now, I'm not doing it again."

Neither of them had realized that they had somehow ended up on their knees until they heard the sniffing next to them and looked to see a teary, still undressed Carly, standing there. Holly leaned back from Dean and made an action to stand up but froze completely when Carly threw herself into the arms of her godmother. The three year old's arms wrapped tightly around Holly's neck as if she wasn't going to let go. For a moment, she didn't know what to do, her eyes wide as she looked at Dean over the girl's head. Slowly, Holly put her arms around Carly, loosely at first, but by the time the girl's first tear drop landed on her neck, her arms were locked and just as unwilling to release.

"I'm sorry." Holly cried out. Dean didn't know who she was talking to but honestly didn't care as he watched the two girls cling to each other and cry.

Trust me, I had every intention to make this chapter longer, but then I wanted to keep this more in the same tone all the way through rather than jump from this extreme to another one. The next chapter will have more upbeat moments and likely will be the last one.