Heavy Hearted Wings
By: Freedom98
Chapter 4: Transformation
The beauty of this simple forest was amazing to me. The singing of songbirds, the bright sunlight heating my skin, the soft ferns brushing my legs, all these sensations were beautiful me. I had craved them while I had been stuck in bed recovering. During those times, I had been left only with my thoughts and visitors. There had been so many of my friends visiting me, checking on me and encouraging me throughout my recovery but I had suddenly become afraid of them. They all had been men (apart from Kora and Lillith, my mother still didn't know of my 'sickness'), and seemed to built like the pirate, Rafael. Rafael had been his name I had learned, when he wasn't 'abusing' me.
He had been tall, 6.4 or 6.5. Wide features, everything of him had big and broad; his nose, his mouth, his face, his entire body. Longish curly, black hair had framed cold, unfeeling brown eyes. He had had a beard and mustache that I learned to hate. Rough, scarred skin and hair, he had had hair all over him. All of me wished to forget this cursed man.
"I'm glad to see you smile again." Lillith said, gently squeezing my shoulder, drawing me out of my nightmarish reverie. I smiled brightly. Lilith, the only one I truly trusted. She was like my sister. My confidante, my advisor, my best friend. "I'll try to smile more for you." I laughed, pushing off of Lilith and standing on my own. I felt the strength seep all through me. The days of being in bed and gaining my strength in the Academy had paid off. "Hercules…?" Lillith asked. I summoned all my strength and stood with confidence. My chest puffed out, my held high. I saw Lillith's eyes follow my stance. "Spar with me, please." I requested. Lillith smirked, her blue eyes sparkling. "Alright." She replied, immediately attacking.
We sparred. At first my movements were slow and uncoordinated from being out of practice. I let all the pent up emotions seep into my being. Fueling my muscles and my body to fight more. My every move held my everything. I executed it with the intention of winning. Lillith kept up with me, knocking me flat on my back a few times. I laughed. But I did feel unbalanced, I had grown thinner but I felt heavier for some odd reason. I pushed to the back of my mind, not thinking much of it.
After a few hours, we fell exhaustedly onto the moss that covered the forest floor. "That was fun." I blurted out, giggling giddily. Lilith joined my giggling until it burst out into full fledged laughter. "You're still as strong as ever, I have the bruises to prove it!" Lilith said, stifling the last of her giggles. "Yes." I laughed, putting my hands behind my head. We lay there for a few minutes, enjoying the comfortable silence, the sound of nature and our breathing the only sounds.
"I have to head back to the Academy. Can you make it back on your own?" Lillith asked. "Yes. I'll be fine, you worry too much." I said, sounding indignant. "Well one of us has to worry." Lillith replied, squeezing my shoulder before getting up. "See ya later." Lilith called before jogging away. "Later." I called lazily.
The peace of this day has settled into me. Taking away the stress and worry that had plagued me for the past two months. The pain and humiliation of the first month on the pirate ship and the second month of recovery at the Academy. I finally felt carefree, a shred of my innocent nature had returned. I reflected on mine and Lillith's sparring session. We had had so much fun. Talking, laughing and joking all the while we were sparring.
I let my mind wander. Absentmindedly my hand rested on my stomach. It had lost some of its muscle definition, but it was still hard, almost rounded though. Scratch that, it was rounded and had become very taut. The only part of my body that hadn't lost any weight, rather it had grown in size, almost descending. Probably too much of Kora's good cooking, I thought dismissing my ungrounded worries. The warmth of the sun on my skin and the cool breeze of the late afternoon felt so good. My eyelids became very heavy and slowly they shut, I dozed lazily, dreaming.
My dream started off nicely, Iolaus, Jason, Lillith and I were all laughing and we were wrestling. But then they all began to morph into one person. It was Rafael. He loomed over me, he was in me. I tried to scream but no sound came. The pirate was laughing maniacally. I was crying, sobbing, screaming, kicking, scratching, punching him, but to no avail. I felt so sick, the pain was so bad.
I woke with a start; running over to a tree and retched. The meager contents of my stomach coming up. When I stopped I sat back down on the grass. I touched my face and felt real tears on it. "Damn!" I cursed, yelling angrily. I was hyperventilating, the acidic taste of bile in my throat. "Why?" I whispered holding my head in my hands.
"Hercules, son of Zeus." A woman's voice called. I instantly recognized it. "Hera." I scowled. This was the last thing I needed right now. This goddess hated me, and hearing from her always meant bad news. I hastily wiped away my tears, trying to keep a shred of my pride. "I've already returned your sacred chalice. I have no more business with you, Hera." I growled, standing up. A pair of green eyes appeared, staring at me intently. That's the only thing I ever see of Hera.
"You are too presumptuous, half-god." Hera replied, her voice as smooth as honey. "You are right. Your business with me is done, but I am far from done. I am here to give you a blessing." She explained. There a flash of light. I shielded my eyes, and there before my eyes stood a woman. She was very beautiful, not in a jaw dropping way like Aphrodite but she was not ugly. More in a quiet way. Tall and slender, her skin a pale ivory, with flowing auburn locks, which encircled a beautiful face. High cheek bones, full red lips and pale intelligent green eyes. She was dressed in white and gold, a golden crown atop her head. She held a lotus tipped staff in her right hand. In her hair were hawk's feathers.
She smirked. "This is the first time you have seen me, in my bodily form." She said. Even though I disliked the goddess she was beautiful. The queen of the gods was a breathtaking sight for any mortal or half mortal.
Her aura was warm and welcoming, a motherly aura. I suddenly realized something. "You've never been unfaithful to Zeus, have you?" I asked, curious despite my hatred for this goddess. The goddess' eyes hardened. "Never. I'm the goddess of marriage, to do that would be…despicable. It would go against everything I stand for. Your Father….does not share my values." She said with disgust. So that was why she despised me so, I represented everything that went against everything she stood for. I suddenly felt guilty. But wait, she said she was going to be giving me a blessing. "You wish to know your blessing?" Hera asked, lifting one perfectly shaped eyebrow. "Yes." I replied, truthfully. "I had to discuss this with Hestia, but she eventually gave me the blessing." Hera said slight pride in her voice. "It has already taken form, but now I will finish the blessing." Hera explained, taking obvious pleasure it taking so long to explain it to me. I felt dread form in the bottom of my stomach. Her eyes stared at my stomach and suddenly I understood. I lay a hand on my belly and felt the bulge that had formed. It was very small, barely noticeable, unless you were looking very hard and even then it didn't look like I was…
"Yes, Hercules. You're with child. The pirate's seed was spilled into you. I convinced Hestia that just letting the seed go to waste would be bad. The child in your loins has already taken form. I now will finish the task that started two months ago." Hera said, smiling. She was enjoying this.
She approached me. I backed away, in fear and shock. In a flash she was in front of me. I was stiff and unable to move. She laid a hand on my abdomen. A soft smile played across her lips. It wasn't directed at me, but the life I carried in my loins. She whispered something under breath. "Life is something so precious." She said, and slowly I began to feel warmth from her hand spread throughout my body. "I could've made you bear the child in this form, but that would be too cruel. It's messy business during the birth." Hera chuckled. "But.." I choked on my words. "I don't want my rapist's child!" I sobbed, sinking to my knees. I hugged myself. "The child won't be born out of love, he or she is a bastard's…no a pirate's child! I'm a man! I've been abused and used like a woman, why must I bear the burden of a woman, Hera?" I asked, trembling with anger. My fists clenched. "You gods…you use your power only to hurt the mortals. You make them bear your children only to abandon them! To never talk or make contact. Then you curse us, your children." I screamed, tears running down my cheeks.
The goddess' eyes were fiery with anger. "You only speak of the male gods. The women are ever faithful to their husbands, excluding Aphrodite. We always must watch our husbands walk out on us, to desecrate other women, mortals. We give them everything, only to have it trampled upon. Do you know that type of hurt, Hercules? The hurt only a woman can bear?" Hera asked, trembling almost much as me with anger. "I wasn't born a woman, but I know the feeling of rejection! And I don't want any more of it! I hate this life inside of me! I don't want it!" I said, my voice hoarse from screaming. Something wasn't right, I felt myself growing hot, uncomfortably so. "Life is precious, Hercules! The gift to bear life is the greatest gift of all! Although it often is unwanted. Have you ever wondered if your mother wanted you?" Hera asked, spitefully. I looked at her, a spike of hurt buried deep in my chest. I choked, I had always wanted to asked, the question I feared the most, afraid of the answer.
"I'll change you into a woman. You will see the horrors and the wonders of womanhood. The burdens and the blessings we bear as women. You're pride will be kept intact, no one will know who you are, thus this ever a secret." Hera said her anger dissipated.
I stared at her. "It's not my fault! I never asked to be born! To be given life! To have this done to me! To be raped! I did it out of love for my friend, but why am I being punished?" I cried, I ran my hands through my hair, the heat was getting worse. "All my life, I've searched for acceptance. From peers, from teachers, from my Father. And every time I find even a shred of acceptance, something happens to remind me just how difference I am! It's always ripped away from me, by you gods!" I screeched. My voice sounded strange and it wasn't from screaming. It had gone higher and sounded like a…a girl's!
"Fate often doesn't give us a choice." Hera said coldly. I looked up at her. "All I want is to be loved! I've almost healed, become normal once more! Why are you..agh!" I cried, pain seared through my abdomen causing me to double over in pain.
I stared in horror as blood seeped through the fabric of my trousers. I stared at my hands. They were thin and delicate. My anger at Hera had disappeared and I looked to the older woman in fear. "Hera?" I cried in agony. Hera quickly removed my trousers; I felt the sticky liquid wet the inner part of my thighs. The muscle and hair that used to be there was gone. My legs were thin, delicate and lily white. "The transformation has taken place. You're changing." She stripped me of my shirt to expose a swelling chest.
I was turning into a girl. My sandy blond hair was starting to fall down my back, growing longer. I began to panic. This was actually happening, I had to be dreaming. But I was in so much pain and fear, this couldn't be a dream. "I don't want this! Stop!" I pleaded, desperately. I was angry again. I hit her, but I felt so weak. I was sobbing and screaming, cursing Hera and Hestia, every god I knew. Hera held me in her arms, rocking me gently. It almost seemed like she pitied me.
"Please, it hurts. Please." I whimpered. I buried my face into her shoulder. I stopped hurting her, and gripped onto her for dear life. I screeched in agony. "Please…it hurts so bad."I sobbed, my body shuddered and shivered in unbearable pain. Suddenly a thought crossed through my mind. "Won't it hurt the child? I'm not supposed to lose that much blood." I whispered my voice tight with pain. "It won't hurt the child. You'll be the one most in danger. The blood loss is a bit much, but you should survive." Hera said. She flinched as I grasped her, as a new wave of pain went through my body. "Please. Someone." I gasped.
Sweat poured from my brow, falling into my eyes, stinging them. The pain came in waves, each one worsening. "Why does it hurt…so bad?" I asked, trying to focus on my words. Hera positioned herself so that she was behind me. I leaned on her, her arms protectively encircling.
"Your organs are changing. A womb for the baby is forming. All your male organs are being destroyed." Hera explained. I was stark naked but I didn't care. All I could feel was the pain. Thankfully my belly wasn't that descended, so it wasn't even noticeable. "I'll give you a dress once your body is finished adjusting." Hera said, I nodded barely hearing her. I clutched to her, the strongest wave of pain coursed through me. It was the worst of them all. "Gyah!" I grunted, I clutched on tighter. "Please…" I sobbed. Hera rocked me gently as I rode the wave of pain. It seemed to last an impossibly long time. "Please…" I sobbed again. I lay a hand on my stomach; it was firm to my touch. "I'm sorry…so sorry." I whispered. Hera stared at me, but she didn't understand my pain. I was going to do to this child what had been done to me.
It would be unaccepted, unwanted, unloved, a misfit. It would be hated or feared, just because I had been incapable to save my friend without taking that man inside of me. I was useless. I couldn't save my friend properly, I couldn't stop the man from taking me, and I couldn't stop this babe from being conceived.
Gradually the pain lessened till only a dull ache remained. My grip on Hera weakened. "It's stopped." I breathed, feeling relieved that I could breathe normally without the burning pain. "Yes, indeed." Hera replied, her nose wrinkling in disgust at the blood. "You're the one who caused the mess, queen of the gods." I thought spitefully. "Let's get you cleaned up." Hera announced, with a wave of her hand the blood disappeared off my body. The stench of sweat and vomit disappeared. I felt very clean, as if I had just bathed. "When was the last time I bathed?" I thought rather embarrassedly.
"Here's your dress." Hera said, holding four articles of clothing in her hands. Two pieces of women's under garments. I blushed, despite the fact I was exhausted. I awkwardly tried to climb into the garments but I was useless. I had been born a man; I had never encountered such cumbersome attire. Hera watched in silence before helping me into them. The one binding my chest was uncomfortably tight but I gathered that I would have to adjust to it in time.
Hera pulled the light blue dress over my head. It reached my ankles and was quite warm. She handed me a black cloak which I promptly wrapped around my now slender shoulders. Hera helped me fasten the clasp since my hands were shaking from the blood loss. "This is all I will do for you. Take my blessing and leave. I suggest you journey to the mountains in the north if you do not stay at the Academy." Hera advised before disappearing in a flash of bright light. I stared at the spot where she once stood.
After a few minutes of being in a dazed stupor, I awoke. I pulled the cloak tighter around my shoulders. It had grown colder. I looked down at the moss I had once sat upon. It was stained red. I shuddered involuntarily. I began to walk, or stumble back to the Academy. I had to lean up against a tree every few minutes because the world would spin dizzily. Half an hour later I reached the Academy.
I could hear the tell tale sounds of the cadets in the dinner hall eating their evening meal. My hearted was wrenched in my chest. I was torn, part of me begged to stay here with my friends, my home. But the rational part of my mind told me that I should go the mountains in the north as Hera had advised. No one could accept me the way I was now. I was a freak, even more so than before. No, I would hide myself, and keep my shame a secret.
I quietly and quickly snuck into the sleeping quarters. No one was there. I went to my bunk. I grabbed my other set of clothes (even if they wouldn't fit in a few months). I quickly put them in a pack. I got a dagger and sheathed it to my waist. I placed my bed roll in my satchel as well. I packed some other personal items.
I then wrote a note to Lillith:
My dearest friend,
I have left and need time. I'm not as well as I let on and I need some time on my own. Please don't look for me for you won't find me. I apologize and please believe me when I say it isn't you…I need time and I need a change of pace. Thank you for all you have done for me and know that I am eternally grateful
Please live your life to the fullest and don't wait for me.
Hercules, son of Zeus
I stared at my note. It seemed like a lock that officially announced that I was going to be dead to the world. It sealed my fate. I struggled to keep the tears that pricked my eyes from falling. I had a sinking feeling that when I came back it wouldn't be the same, if I came back at all. After much hesitation I rolled up the note and placed it on my now bare bed.
I silently snuck out of the sleeping quarters. I made a small stop and got some bread, cheese and water skin. I nibbled on the food as I walked into the moonlit night. I saw the north mountains and began to walk. The adventure or misadventure had just begun…
a/n: Here's the next chapter! I have no idea whether or not Hercules turns back into a boy but I hope so (hee hee). My little sister was reading this fic and she said that I have a natural talent for absolutely torturing my characters! Bwahaha! I'm evil! :D
Sorry for it taking so long to upload. School! Ugh! Anyways, review if you please! I would really love it if you did! :D
For those who are percy jackson fans, I wrote a crossover with young Hercules. The title is 'Can I Save You?'. Check out my profile page if you can't find it!:D
Well bye bye for now! :D
(walks into the sunset with pen and note book ^_^)