All I Know Is I Cannot Pretend
Day Twenty-Three
Sam
There are pages upon pages of notes from that day. Notes Sam wished he would never have to look at again. But his testimony is today, and Jerry's killer is going to pay if Sam had anything to do with it. So he reads while he walks, skimming as quickly as he can, as if reading faster will make the pain less. He doesn't even see her until she collides with his chest. He looks up and goes still. Andy? His heart hurts, like it is trying to wrench free from his chest.
When he speaks he is barely aware of the words coming from his mouth. "You're back?" His heart races, hope blossoming in his chest. When she says she is only back today for the trial Sam fights off a surge of disappointment. Of course she's back for the trial.
They make small talk and even though the words are stilted and kind of formal he can't take his eyes off of her, and he might be imagining it but there is something in her eyes that he hasn't seen since that night over a year ago in the Alpine. A warm intensity that seems to try and tell him everything her mouth can't . He thinks she missed him.
They run out of things to say but neither moves for a moment and then Andy flushes slightly and says "I should..." she gestures vaguely. "Frank is expecting me." Sam nods. He wants to ask her for a drink or say something profound but the words don't come instead he steps aside and watches her go feeling lighter than he has in months.
Andy
She doesn't want to do this. Not only does this mean leaving the task force for as many days as they make her stay, but she wants to forget that terrible day ever happened, not relive it for a room full of strangers. And what she won't admit even to herself is that she is afraid to see Sam. She still loves him, three weeks away confirmed that, but will he have moved on or realized she isn't worth all the trouble? She doesn't know if she's the same girl he left over two months ago. So much has changed. her stomach is in knots by the time the car drops her at fifteen. She's there less than five minutes when she runs into Sam-literally. It's awkward. Half her mind is focused on how good he looks, how she'd somehow forgotten that crinkle at the corner of his eyes when he made a joke, the rest if her focus is on not doing something stupid like blurting out "I miss you." or "I love you". She tears herself away too soon, she's not ready to not see him again for months on end.
They testify on the same day. Andy wonders if it is fate or Luke and she isn't sure if she should curse or thank whoever is responsible. Her testimony is first. Afterwards she sits in the back of the room and listens to Sam. They talked about that day and seeing it through his eyes nearly breaks her heart as much as he did when he broke off their relationship. She thinks maybe now she understands why he pushed her away. It doesn't make it alright, but it is nice to have an answer, even if the answer makes her feel worse.
Sam leaves the courtroom the moment he is released from the stand. After a moment of hesitation, Andy follows him. He's leaning against the wall outside almost as if he knew she would come. There is so much to say but Andy can't find the words and there isn't enough time. So she skips right to "I'm sorry" and they take it from there.
They have even less time than she thought. Sam has barely started his response when her phone vibrates, she shoots him an apologetic smile and steps away to answer. When she hangs up he's still there.
"You have to go?" he takes the words right out of her mouth.
She nods, she can barely meet his eyes. She doesn't want to go. Who knows when she'll be back. "I miss you" she half whispers and Sam responds how she half hoped half dreaded he would. The kiss is too short but so intense it makes her knees wobble. "Goodbye." she whispers before turning and walking rapidly to the back exit where the car will be waiting. She doesn't look back. If she does she will never be able to keep going.
Sam
He knows she will be gone for months. Project Dakota isn't making headlines because they are trying to keep it under wraps, but Sam knows enough about task forces and UC to know this one is huge and long term. It's why he lets himself kiss her. He needs to know, for her to know, if the feelings are still there. Judging by the way his heart races and the way she clings to him for that all too brief moment he thinks she knows...thinks she feels it too. Still the kiss makes it harder to let her go. There is so much he wants to say, but no time. He doesn't know if she has her own phone right now, but he takes a chance. Before she has disappeared from view he's sent her a text: "I'll wait."
Gail
She's been working on her testimony for weeks now. Not every day, but often enough she can get from start to finish without breaking down. Luke has been helping her. She knows he is involved with the task force and wonders how he has the time but she is afraid to ask in case he decides to let someone else do it. Unlikely as it seems, they're friends. Sometimes she wonders if they might be more than that, but she doesn't look too deeply. She needs him right now and if life had taught her anything it's that relationships are the surest way to get someone out of your life. Nick taught her that.
Nick
He hadn't expected to see her. It was stupid, of course she would be here. But he feels like he's taken a bullet to the Kevlar over his heart and the lawyer has to ask him the same question three times. He tears his eyes away and pays attention after that, but he can feel her presence and he pays careful attention to every syllable that leaves his lips, praying his testimony will help put the bastard who hurt her behind bars for the rest of his miserable life.
"Undercover suits you." Gail's voice is polite, cold, but at least she's talking. He sits beside her on the unpadded wooden bench outside the courtroom. His testimony is done, any minute he'll get a text and then it will be back to the safe house.
"I thought you'd be in Europe" he wishes he could take the words back the minute they leave his mouth. Why can't he say "I missed you" like a normal person?
"Didn't get fired." Gail says, her lips twisting into the smile she reserves for mocking others. Nick reaches for her hand but she pulls away.
His phone buzzes in his pocket. Nick gives Gail his most apologetic smile.
"Go." She says, her eyes meeting his for a millisecond before skittering away to look at anything else. In that brief moment, Nick thinks he sees a tear. He rises to his feet, "goodbye Gail." He says in voice he almost convinces himself is hoarse from overuse and nothing else. He doesn't look back, he knows she wouldn't be looking after him.
143 Days
Andy
The first thing she does is check her messages. Being without her phone for so long was like having an appendage cut off. There is one text from Sam, she recognizes the date. It was sent the day of her testimony. She opens it and her heart wrenches in her chest. Luke drops her at her condo but she barely stays long enough to throw her stuff down before she's out the door, jogging towards Sam's townhouse. The bus or a taxi would be faster, but the waiting seems intolerable. This way she's doing something. She is knocking on his door before she realizes this might be a huge mistake. She knows she looks terrible the last few weeks have been rough and she's worn this shirt at least four times since she last had time to do laundry. Her hair is a disaster and the two km run can't have helped anything. But then he opens the door and it's Sam, bare foot, slightly rumpled as if he just woke up. "Andy?" it's half disbelief half awe in his tone and she wants to throw herself into his arms but holds back. "when did you get back?" he steps back and gestures for her to come in.
"An hour ago." she flushes a little, suddenly embarrassed by her haste. "I needed to see you."
Sam smiles and it's a real smile, joyful in a way she hasn't seen him since before Jerry died.
Gail
She finds out Nick is back from her answering machine. She plays the message three times before deciding not to call him back and pressing delete. It feels like closure and she convinces herself she and Nick have been over for years, it just took her until the trial to see it.
A/N: I think originally this was going to be longer, but when I found it on my phone today and reread it, I decided I like it how I left it all those months ago when I was working through my post-season angst. I know things don't look awesome for our favourite pairing right now on the show, but I have so much hope for them. I hope I can transmit a little of that to you through this.