A/N: Yep I updated this one. Sorry. XD By the way…does the admin on FF.N even care about the lyric thing?
Music: You Found Me- The Fray
~Mihael~
"I found him! Oh god, please let it be him, I need it to actually be him this time." My voice was low and scratchy, my throat raw from the abuse I put it through everyday without Matt. That might be about to change, I could see red-brown hair and stripes standing on a corner, watching the traffic light lazily as it flickered, a couple junkies leaning against the wall a little ways from him, watching. I prayed harder than I ever had as I got closer to him, clutching my rosary so hard it broke the skin and my blood ran over the metal. " Please, oh please, please, please, please…O lord who art in heaven, please."
I found god
On the corner of first and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
Finally, thank you god, finally. It was him, Matt.
He was flicking his lighter, the sight of his stupid cigarette making me want to cry in relief as he took a drag, tilting his head as he blew the smoke out. It trailed over his goggles, clearing so my eyes could lock with his as his chapped lips turned up in a mocking smile. He tossed the now-empty pack into the gutter.
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I came to stand beside him, watching him without a word as he looked around lazily, "So." He broke the silence, raising an eyebrow at me.
"Where have you been Mattie?" I murmured, reaching the touch his arm and biting my lip when he flinched away from me.
He shrugged at me without answering, looking at me blankly until I couldn't take it anymore and the questions poured out of me, not expecting an answer.
I Said where you been, he said ask anything
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of first and Amistad
Matt took another drag and shrugged again, "I've been busy Mels, just like you." He was quiet for a moment and I felt the hope draining out of me.
"Are you-will you come home?" I asked finally, squeezing my rosary tighter and ignoring the horrible burning sensation caused by the bite of the metal. He gave me an amused look.
"Mel, you're not my home anymore." And with that he finished his cigarette and walked away, leaving me standing there with blood running down my fingers and tears dripping down my cheeks.
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
I don't remember how I made it back to our- no my- apartment after that, nor what happened in the days that followed and a part of me regrets that. The rest of me is to numb to care anymore, my thoughts are focused on how the carpet still smells faintly of smoke in his favorite spot.
I can't feel my toes. Huh. Well I guess too many drugs at once will do that to a person, actually now that I think about it my apartment is pretty dirty without Matt around to clean. There's bags with residual cocaine all over the place and I'm pretty sure that my floor's on its way to becoming an AIDS factory with the needles lying everywhere.
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
I heard my door clicking, someone was trying to pick the lock and despite my best attempt I couldn't bring myself to care that someone was probably there to finally kill me, I am still in the Mafia after all. There's a more solid click and I barely turn my head to look toward the door as it swings open, I can't even arrange my face into a convincingly worried expression damnit.
I can see him looking around, goggles pushed into his red hair, his eyebrows raised, "Hell Mello, a guy comes back for the stuff he forgot and has to deal with this?" He shook his head and his eyes meet mine, the sarcastic expression sliding away.
"Fuck. What've you done?" He asks softly as he picks me up, cradling me close to him, " I can't leave you alone for five minutes can I?" He sounds worried and amused at the same time as he pulls out his phone.
Now instead of trying to make myself care I'm trying to go numb again because this is matt, the reason for my loss of sanity, for my utter dis-regard for my health and my new addictions and he's right fucking here. When I lost him, that's what pushed me over the edge I'd been dancing on since we were young, I don't know how he didn't see what his leaving would do to me, he is the only person whose ever really known me.
"Why'd you go? We said we'd be together always, 'member that Matt?" I ask, ignoring his questions, apparently he's been talking to me for sometime now.
He looks straight into me, into my soul, I can feel it, the way those gorgeous blue-green eyes delve into me. "Together? Always? Mel, everyone's alone at the end, everyone. Why delay the pain?"
I hum in response, having no argument to that and snuggling to him as he finally manages to dial the phone, I don't know how long he's going to be here and damn it would be nice if I could feel my extremities again.
In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
Matt's been gone for seven years today. I'm holed up in the bedroom, cigarette in one hand and an xbox controller held loosely in the other, it's the one day where I allow myself to be around these things that remind me so much of him.
After my overdose, after he saved me, called Near and told him he was bringing me too him for help, my life has changed. I hate it.
No more Matt, no more Mafia, no more anything. I shrug to try and get the loose fitting stripped shirt back into place but it doesn't work as I lean back some, blowing smoke out the window next to me, the city is just waking up and I open my phone again, time to start my ritual.
I wait patiently for the ringing to go through, I know he hasn't changed his number because it still goes to the voicemail we set up. I listen to the recording of our voice,
"Hey you've got Matt." There's him. "Yeah, he'd such a stupid fuck, thinking people might actually call him." And there's me, when I still had a voice to speak with.
The part that really gets me is the very last bit, both of us together, "We're gay lovers, gotta a problem? Hang up, if not leave a message after the glorious geekiness that is the tone." And some song from the Legend of Zelda plays.
He hasn't answered, called back, written or even asked Near how I am, if I'm alive. No, none of that and maybe I could've moved on, but he never changed his damn answering machine, seven years later and it's still us, claiming our love to the world. He used to change it every month.
Early morning, City breaks
I've been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want
These days I rarely leave, Near says that I should try and find something to do with my time, pick up a hobby but I can't. I want to know how Matt is and the fuzzy asshole simply shrugs, "He's quite happy Mello, thank you for asking."
He thinks he's protecting me but I know him, if Matt was happy Near wouldn't avoid my eyes so completely, wouldn't pretend that I vanished after asking my question. I don't push though, why should i?
Finally I can't take it any longer, I write this on the paper I've carried with me since the day I went mute and hand it to Near before turning and walking back to my room. He can't stop me and I know he won't try.
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you where were you
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
I could feel the life leaving my body as I laid on the floor, all the pictures of Matt that Near had taken over the years, had made sure only I possessed, spread around me.
My hands shake as I pick one up and smile at it sadly, the only image of us together. Near took it, he was spying on me. Matt's sitting on a park bench feeding some ducks, me bent close to him, chocolate hanging loosely from one hand as I watch.
I stroke the image, the quiet reminder of what we were once and I can't help but wonder, as I have time and time again, why he left me.
Doesn't matter I guess, not anymore. I can feel the poison I laced that last cigarette with working it's way through me and I finally let go. I sob, silently as ever, body shaking as I try to curl in on myself and find someway to escape the sorrow, the poison is so slow. I'm so lost in this that I don't hear the sound of running footsteps or the door flying open.
Matt's got me suddenly and I'm reminded of the day he found me all those years ago. He looks awful I think distantly, bruised circles underneath his eyes, his hair has grown but is lanky and dull and he's thin as a skeleton as he holds me close to him.
"Mello, Mel. The world isn't so nice without someone else to protect you…" He offers me a slight, bitter smile. "Near said you were alright. He said you were doing better without me."
I just look at him blankly, why now? Why is he here now when it's too late? Finally I react, touching his face gently, "Mail."
My first word in nearly seven years is followed by a whole sentence as my last moments slip away. He doesn't have time to answer and I won't feel the last kiss he gives me.
Why'd you have to wait?
To find me, to find me
A/N: Why the hell are they always depressing? I was like "Yeah lets make a mostly happy one again! I'm in a good fucking mood!" and nope. Despair all over the fucking place. Fuck me sideways. Hope you enjoyed. An anon reviewer made me want to update again, so props to them :3
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