A/N: I made a slight change to chapter five so that Deacon's birthday is now occurring a few days after their return to Nashville instead of the day after. Also, the lyrics I have included in this chapter are obviously from the song Stronger Than Me which was sung by Connie Britton on Nashville. Thanks for all of the feedback! I appreciate your support!
Rayna sits in front of the piano, scribbling lyrics onto her notepad. She hasn't been able to sleep since leaving Deacon's house. All night, she was tossing and turning, thinking of him. Today is his birthday. Usually, he stays home every year and watches Old Yeller, but Juliette Barnes called a little while ago to inform Rayna that she is invited to his party tonight at the Bluebird. Rayna will be performing at the party. The song she is writing is a reflection on the past 13 years of her relationship with Deacon. It also vividly describes how she feels about their recent argument.
Pour me something stronger
Pour me something straight
All these crooked voices,
Make them go away
I can barely stand up
I can hardly breathe
Pour me something stronger than me
She knows that Deacon will understand the song. She knows that he will be able to relate to the emotions. She hopes that it will help him to forgive her. They have always been able to speak to each other with their music and she feels like her new song is the best way to get him to listen to her in this situation.
Despite the adverse consequences, their visit to Lamar was a success. The restraining order has already been dropped and an order for joint custody has been submitted. Rayna just wishes that she had been able to tell Deacon the truth at a better time.
Rayna's phone rings. It's Coleman. She has been anxiously anticipating this call.
"Hey Coleman," she answers.
"Rayna, how are you?" he asks.
"I'm doin okay. How is he?" she questions, her voice heavy with emotion.
She hopes that Deacon has not done anything stupid because of his emotions. She would never be able to forgive herself if she had caused him to revert back to his old habits after being sober for so long.
"I talked to him for a long time about everything. He is still very unhappy with you but the good news is that he didn't turn to alcohol to ease the pain," Coleman tells her.
Rayna lets out a sigh of relief. In that moment, she doesn't care that he is mad at her. She is just glad that he is okay. That he is alive and that he is still sober. His wellbeing is the most important thing to her.
"Thank God! Did you explain the reasoning behind my decision to him?" she asks.
"I did, Rayna. He understands parts of it but he still can't get over the fact that you waited for him to be sober for 13 years before finally telling him," he responds. "I told him that we thought it would be best not to drag him into it, that we agreed he would have a better chance to recover if he was free from the situation."
"How did he take that?" she asks.
She already suspects that he didn't take it well.
"He didn't like it," Coleman answers, confirming her suspicions.
"Is he gonna be okay, Cole?" she questions, her voice breaking as she speaks.
She needs to know that he will recover from this. She needs to know that he won't lose himself in his misery like he has so many times before.
"Yeah, Rayna, he is going to be okay. He's approaching the situation in the right way. He's healing without the aid of alcohol. He will be fine," he says.
Rayna is happy to hear that he is on his way to acceptance. Even if he stays mad at her she wants him to be able to have a relationship with Maddie. She knows that he deserves to have a relationship with Maddie. She is his daughter too, after all. The thought makes Rayna's heart flutter. She hasn't admitted Maddie's paternity to herself in years. It is now more real than ever. She and Deacon have a daughter together. Maddie was created through their love.
"Thanks, Coleman. I'll talk to you later," she says.
"You too, Rayna. Stay strong. It will be a long road but I think he'll come around eventually," Coleman answers.
She hangs up the phone. Her mind remains focused on Deacon. She gets lost in a daydream. She remembers the way it feels when he is holding her close, stroking her hair. She can almost feel him touching her gently. She can smell his sweet breath as he leans in to kiss her. She can feel the way his facial hair scratches her cheek, the way his muscles strain beneath her fingertips.
"Mom!" Maddie calls.
"What is it, sweetheart?" Rayna responds.
Maddie runs into the room. She is out of breath.
"Daddy is outside. He's bleeding," Maddie tells her, the worry evident in her voice.
Rayna jumps up immediately and runs down the stairs. She sees Teddy sitting on the ground outside, clutching his side. She tells Maddie to stay in the house and goes outside to talk to him.
"What happened?" she asks.
He looks bad. His face is bloodied and bruised. His shirt is covered in dirt. It looks like he has been jumped.
"Your boyfriend beat me up while I was in the park," he answers.
She looks at him like he is crazy.
"My boyfriend?"
"Deacon," he tells her.
"Why did he do that?" she questions.
"How should I know? I was just walking to get some lunch and he came up to me and started punching me," he answers.
She immediately knows that this wasn't about the other night. She thinks that Deacon might be taking his anger out on Teddy for keeping the secret about Maddie's paternity. She thinks that Deacon would view Teddy as the bad guy in this situation. He is angry with her but Rayna knows that Deacon has always blamed Teddy for convincing her not to wait for him while he was in rehab. The revelation of Maddie's paternity probably only strengthens his feelings of resentment towards Teddy.
"I think I might know…" Rayna confesses.
Teddy nods, indicating to her that she should go on with her explanation.
"We went to see Daddy yesterday and he let something about Maddie slip. When Deacon asked me about it later, I told him the truth," she tells Teddy.
"You told him the truth?" he asks, angrily. "What about our agreement?"
"You have nothing to worry about. He isn't going to jeopardize your relationship with Maddie. And even if he wanted to, he is too angry with me to even think of coming by the house right now," Rayna says.
"Trouble in paradise?" he asks sarcastically. "Didn't take the news very well, I guess?"
Rayna can't believe how immature Teddy is acting about the whole situation. Ever since he suggested the divorce, he has been trying to punish her.
"No, Teddy. He didn't like that I had been lying to him for 13 years," she replies.
"So, why did you tell him after all of this time? Why not just lie?" he questions.
"He deserved to know," she says simply.
"If you say so," Teddy answers.
"Do you want any ice or anything for your bruises?" she asks him.
"I'll be okay," he says. "I just came here to get a few things."
She turns around, leaving him alone outside. She walks back upstairs and looks at her notebook. She is satisfied with her new song. She likes the message that it conveys and the way it expresses her feelings in such an accurate way. She thinks about Deacon, hoping that he won't get himself into any more trouble. The fact that he beat Teddy up isn't exactly a good sign. She doesn't really care about that though, as long as he doesn't start drinking again.
A few hours later, Rayna checks her appearance in the mirror. She is wearing a blue blouse, a pair of tight jeans, and her boots. Her top is Deacon's favorite color. She knows that wearing it won't help him to forgive her but she wears it for him anyways. She hopes he will at least notice her effort.
When she arrives at the Bluebird, everyone is already there. Juliette walks over to her as soon as she comes through the door.
"Are you ready? I have you going on next," Juliette asks.
"Yeah, I'm ready. Thank you," she replies, grateful that Juliette is actually letting her perform, despite their differences.
"Who am I to deny the party guests a performance from the great Rayna Jaymes?" Juliette asks sarcastically.
Rayna smiles at her politely before walking away to get ready for her performance. She feels strangely nervous. She wants it to go well. She wants Deacon to understand exactly what she is trying to say.
When it is her turn, Rayna walks up to the stage. Her eyes search the room for Deacon. She finds him quickly. He is sulking in a corner. He returns her gaze unwaveringly, his facial expression unchanging. He looks extremely handsome tonight in his flannel shirt and blue jeans but, then again, Rayna always thinks he looks handsome. Rayna turns her attention to the audience for a second; trying not to get distracted by how sexy Deacon looks.
"Hey y'all. I'm here to celebrate the birthday of one of my oldest friends, Deacon Claybourne, because without Deacon Claybourne there would be no Rayna Jaymes," she says.
Her heart is beating loudly. She is nervous about pouring out her feelings to him. She doesn't want to feel rejected. She doesn't want to open her heart to him if he is only going to stomp on it.
"So, this one is for you, Deacon," she adds, staring into his eyes.
The music starts and Rayna waits for her cue.
Oh, here I go again
Walking the line, killing time between my sins
Oh, why do I come here?
The endings still the same
I'm bringing back old tears
Rayna's eyes have not left Deacon. He stares back. The look on his face is unreadable. Despite his outward appearance, the lyrics are washing over him, penetrating the wall he has recently erected around his heart to protect himself from her.
I act like I don't know
Where this road will go
She hopes that she is wrong. She wants this road to lead them to a happy ending but it never has before. It has only lead to heartache and longing.
Pour me something stronger
Pour me something straight
All these crooked voices, make them go away
I can barely stand up
I can hardly breathe
Pour me something stronger than me
Pour me something stronger than me
She pours her emotions into the lyrics. The words are coming directly from her heart and the pain that she feels. She is standing before him, stripping herself down to the core until she is bare.
Sunrise hurts as much as you
You both come up when I don't want you to
Oh, I can still hear you say
That you and I will both be better off this way
She hears him saying it. She watches the memory play in her mind. She wants to convince him that he is wrong. The audience is captivated by her performance but she only sees him.
These things that I run to
What I put my heart through
She knows that it is all her fault. She knows that the mistakes that she has made only torture them.
Pour me something stronger
Pour me something dark
Pour it up so high, till I can't feel my heart
I can barely stand up
I can hardly breathe
Pour me something stronger than me
Pour me something stronger than me
The song ends. She doesn't want to feel anymore. She wants to let it all go. She wants her heart to stop hurting. She takes one last lingering look at Deacon before walking off the stage. She barely hears the applause from the audience. She can only hear the beating of her own heart. She walks to the bar and orders a drink.
"Great song, Rayna," someone calls as they pass by.
She doesn't even smile. How can she smile when her heart is broken in pieces? She takes a big gulp of her drink. It is definitely strong enough to take the pain away.
"Is this seat taken?"
She looks up in surprise. She can't believe that he is standing next to her. She can't believe that he is sitting down.
"Hey," she says shyly. "Happy birthday."
"You okay?" Deacon asks.
"Not really, you?"
"Not really," he repeats.
"I'm sorry," she tells him.
Her face is covered in emotion. Her lips quiver as she looks at him.
"Not now, Ray," he tells her.
She looks down into her glass, avoiding his gaze.
"That sure was a pretty song," he says.
"That's what heartache is good for, isn't it? Pretty country songs," she jokes, but the small smile on her face does not reach her eyes.
"We've written some happy songs too," he replies.
She sighs. She hopes that there will be more happy songs in their future but she doesn't know if they will be able to make it past this.
"Maybe that would be more inspiring if I knew there were going to be a few happy songs in our future," she responds, voicing her thoughts.
"Maybe you're right but I can't answer that right now," he tells her. "I'm still trying to figure things out."
She hadn't expected him to give her any hope but, then again, she hadn't expected him to even talk to her tonight.
"I know," she answers. "I haven't given you much time. I just couldn't miss your birthday."
"It means a lot, Ray, it really does," he responds honestly.
She can see the sincerity in his eyes. He is truly glad that she has come for his party. With everything that is going on, it shows that she still cares. He has always trusted in her love and it is reassuring to him that he can continue to trust in it even though he doesn't trust her. The whole situation has made him doubt her love but now that he can see it in her eyes and in her actions he knows that it is the one thing about their relationship that he still doesn't have to doubt.
"You'll call me if you need anything?" she asks.
"Sure."
She knows that he is only saying that to ease her mind. She doesn't think she will hear from him any time soon.
"Okay. I'll see you later. I have to get back to the girls," she tells him.
"Tell them I said hi," he answers.
"I will, Deacon. Take care of yourself," she says.
"You too, Ray," he replies.
As Rayna drives home, she replays the night in her head. It had gone better than she had expected it to. He hadn't said anything to give her any reason to hope for a quick reconciliation but he had at least made the effort to talk to her. That alone was a big step for Deacon.
"Be patient, Rayna. Be patient and everything will be fine," she mutters to herself.
When Rayna gets home she walks up the stairs and knocks on Maddie's door. She has already discussed it with Teddy and he has reluctantly agreed to let her talk to Maddie about everything.
"Yeah?" Maddie calls.
"Can I come in, honey?" Rayna asks.
"Yeah, Mom. The door's unlocked," she replies.
Rayna pushes the door open and walks into the room. Maddie is reading a book on her bed.
"You mind if I sit down?" she asks her daughter.
"Sure," Maddie answers.
She scoots over and makes room for Rayna to sit down on the edge of the bed.
"Maddie, there is something important that I need to talk to you about," she says.
Maddie looks worried.
"What is it, Mom? Is it about Dad? Is he gonna be okay? I knew those bruises looked bad," Maddie says, jumping to conclusions.
"It's nothing like that, sweetheart," she reassures her daughter.
"What is it then?" Maddie asks.
Rayna takes a deep breath. It is now or never.
"Did you know that Deacon and I dated before your father and I got married?" Rayna asks.
"Yeah, I knew that," she answers.
"Well, when I was with Deacon, I got pregnant but Deacon had to go away for a little while. When he was away, I started dating your father. We decided to get married even though your father knew that I was already pregnant. We had the baby a little while after we got married. So what that means is that Deacon is your biological father," Rayna explains.
"What? How come I never knew about this? Did Deacon know? What does this mean?" Maddie asks frantically, her eyes filling with tears.
"It means that nothing is going to change. Even though your father is not your biological father he will always be your dad. You didn't know because we wanted to wait until you were old enough to understand to tell you. Deacon never knew. He just found out yesterday," Rayna tells her, answering all of her questions.
Maddie stands up abruptly.
"Can I spend the night at Aunt Tandy's house? I need to get out of here so I can think about this," Maddie says.
"Okay, Maddie. I'll give her a call," Rayna responds.
Rayna walks over to Maddie and gives her a tight hug. Maddie does not respond at first but slowly sinks into her mother's embrace.
"It's going to be okay, sweetheart," Rayna says comfortingly.
The two stay like that until Maddie has calmed down. After talking more with her mom, Maddie decides that she doesn't need to spend the night away from home.
An hour later, Rayna finally makes it up to her room. She pulls her boots off and falls down onto the bed. She feels physically and mentally exhausted. The events of the past two days have taken a toll on her. She doesn't have the energy to take her clothes off or get under the covers before falling into a heavy sleep.