Yes, hello and welcome to the fourth chapter in this delightfully vitriolic torrent of hate, abuse and general nastiness directed towards that disgustingly hypocritical amorphous great mass of stupidness and cellulite that is Relena Peacecraft.
I thought I should start with a few notes before we begin with the violence proper for several perfectly valid reasons, the main one being that I can, so nerr. You'll remember at the end of the last chapter I claimed Chapter 4 would be "Death by Knightmare". I decided against this because Knightmare is not really very well known. Unless you were British during the late Eighties, you probably haven't even heard of it. So instead we have random unexplainable factors (not including The X Factor). If there were any actual Knightmare fans waiting with baited breath (which I very much doubt) I apologise, and would like to say with all sincerity that I couldn't care less.
Let us begin...
31 - Death by Lordi
We fade in on Relena 31 attending a big underground rave-party-type thing. Lots of people dancing, waving plastic devil pitchforks and wearing devil horns. Now this isn't because Relena likes this sort of thing. No, she probably listens to the likes of Leona Lewis or even, God forbid, Westlife. spits No, Relena is here because she has unwittingly stumbled into a Lordi music video. Now Relena has, rather unwisely, never seen a Lordi video. She's never even heard of them. Let's face it, any person who has never heard of what is easily the greatest band in the known universe deserves what they get. So when the music for "Devil is a Loser" starts up, Relena simply thinks to herself, 'Gosh, what awful, ghastly music'. The music didn't kill her though. It's really very sad that Relena would have survived, had she not been standing right next to the speaker stack that exploded in a fan-tab-an-awsomer blaze of special effects.
32 - Death by Wii
Relena 32 was a moderately lucky girl. She was one of the small number of people fortunate enough to get her hands on the new Nintendo Wii on Launch day. In her joy at acheiving this, she bought a copy of Wii Play with the extra Wii Remote in it for £34.99. Then she invited her dear friend Wufei to join her. Although Wufei didn't actualy like Relena. He just wanted to try the new Nintendo Wii, but was unable to secure one for himself. And so, it came to pass, while Relena and Wufei were enjoying a friendly game of Wii Shooting, Relena got a little too enthusiastic with the Wii Remote, and accidently walloped Wufei in the face with it. Naturaly, Wufei saw this as a great injustice and decided to retaliate by using his own Wii Remote to gouge Relena's eyes out. Then he succesfuly sued her corpse for damages, loss of self esteem and the tort of outrage, and was awarded the new Nintendo Wii as compensation.
33 - Death by Dreadnaut
Relena 33 was a contestant on Knightmare. She had managed to get through the auditions quite easily considering she lacked the required team of three advisers to guide her. Anyway, midway through Level 2 Relena was acosted by the Dreadnaut, the robotic Level 2 guard created through Technomancy. The Dreadnaut's natural reaction was to demand Relena give him the password. Relena's natural reaction was to ask her advisers for sugestions, except she didn't have any. So, to her credit, she did her best to guess, giving such answers as 'tree', 'housing' 'peace', and 'Henri Bergson' before she was dismembered horribly.
34 - Death by Overweight Spanish Maniac with a Potato Sack and an Overly Large Chainsaw
One day, the President's daughter, Ashley was kidnaped. When she was reported as being sighted in a small European village, the Government decided to send their best agent, Leon S. Kennedy, except he was on holiday with his boyfriend, Krauser, so they sent Relena instead. When Relena arrived at the small, quaint little village of Pueblo, she was startled to discover that the villagers were all ill-mannered, overly-gregarious maniacs intent on slaughtering her and using her head as a fashionable new type of bird house. Rather than use the perfectly functional Chicago Typewriter in her atache case, she reasoned that the best course of action would be to talk with the villagers, and to try and figure out what was disturbing them so, before settling down for tea and crumpets with that charming Saddler chap she'd heard about. Her plan never came to fruition, however, as the resident doctor, Mr. Salvador diagnosed her as being extremely annoying and garish, prescribing a large chainsaw through the neck twice a day for two weeks.
35 - Death by Fear
Relena 35 was a soldier, a warrior, a born fighter, some would say. Easily the best soldier available in the FOXHOUND unit, her codename, 'Blinding-Pink Snake' was known and ridiculed by foes both near and far. When a Russian fellow named Volgin decided to steal a marvelous new kind of superweapon, the 'Shagohod', the American Government, in all it's infinite wisdom, sent Blinding-Pink Snake into deepest Russia to destroy the Shagohod and eliminate Volgin. Unfortunately, Volgin had allied with a more famouse American soldier called The Boss, who had brought with her the legendary Cobra Unit, consisting of The Pain, The Fear, The End, The Fury, The late Sorrow, and The Apathy (who was written out at the last minute because nobody cared about him). After spending several long hours creeping about in the jungle, Relena decided it was probably best to actualy start doing something. So she proceeded, bypassing Ocelot and The Pain with a handily nonexistent cheat code at which point she met The Fear. Suffice to say, Relena never stood a chance against The Fear, what with his lovely breathy voice, his delightful giggle, and his self-dislocating arms.
36 - Death by Oversized Novelty Pythonesque Foot.
One day, while listening to her CD of old TV show theme tunes, Relena 36 was mildly surprised when Liberty Bell March by J P Sousa came on. Now she really shoudn't have been, because any sane person knows that Liberty Bell March is the theme tune from the incomparable Monty Python's Flying Circus. Relena didn't know this, however, because she's a thicky. But she tapped her foot in time with the music anyway, enjoying it immensly until a huge cartoon foot drawn by Mr. Terry Gilliam of America you know descended from the sky, squashing her flat with a lovely squashing sound.
37 - Death by Kiss
Relena 37 did not have a good taste in music. Like her equally stupid predecessor, Relena 31, she favoured ballads and cheesy pop music over such luminaries as Lordi, Twisted Sister, Ronnie Dio, Saxon, Iron Maiden and so on. So when she was invited to meet Kiss backstage after one of their gigs, Relena accepted. Of course, she had never heard of these musical legends, but, she reasoned, any band named Kiss must be lovely and cuddly like Terry Wogan, and not at all nasty and loud like that dreadful Alice Cooper person. Unfortunately, the backstage invitation was all a ruse concocted by Gene Simmons, who, after shaking Relena warmly by the hand, knocked her out and handed her over to Ozzy Osbourne, who took great delight in biting her head off.
38 - Death by Random Freak Asteroid.
Have pity for poor Relena 38. She was just another of those poor souls who died at the hands of an author far too lazy to dream up a coherent death. This particularly disgraceful cop-out occured when a big fiery meteorite fell from the ether, smashing her into little bits in a blaze of special effects so fantastic it could never in your life be adequately described in a rubbish fic like this.
39 - Death by Mr. Killjoy
You may not have heard of Mr. Killjoy. This is hardly surprising. Mr. Killjoy is an assasain. He's like Agent 47, only better because no-one seriously believes he exists, and he uses a hatchet to chop peoples heads off. Nobody knows what Mr. Killjoy looks like. The only people who see Mr. Killjoy's face never live long enough to tell anyone what they saw. Now although he's obviously never seen Mr. Killjoy, the lovely Heero Yuy has heard of his existence. He's not sure if Mr. Killjoy is real, but it can't hurt to try, can it? Luckily, Mr. Killjoy is very real. He read the sticky note that Heero left on the fridge, asking him to get rid of Relena, and gladly took the job. So when Relena heard strange voices singing "Nah, nah nah nah nah, calling Mr. Kiljoy..." she didn't immediately asociate it with a supernatural entity. And so, finaly, Mr. Killjoy chopped her head off.
40 - Death by Deep-Sea Transexual
Relena 40 was stubborn. One of her favourite hobbies was doing the exact opposite of what she was told. So when a weatherbeaten old naan bread told her that she must absolutly 'never, ever, ever go out fishing on Black Lake when the moon be full, ever', she immediately went fishing on Black Lake. However, the naan bread's warnings were genuine, and Relena was abducted by a scaly man fish called Old Gregg who hypnotised her into submission with his mangina before taking her back to his lair to marry her. Howerver, Gregg hadn't realised she was a woman. He thought she was a man, you see. Let's face it, she is rather mannish. So when he realised that Relena was female - and even worse, she didn't like Baileys - he killed her by turning her into pate and feeding her to The Funk.
Chapter 5 coming soon, probably.
Yes, I do own a Nintendo Wii.