A/N: Well, here it is- chapter ten. I hope you like it. PLEEASEEEEE REVIEWWWW please it would mean so much to me. Thank you and happy reading! :)
(Lily's P.O.V.)
James has been acting odd recently. And by recently, I mean over the past month…since Halloween. Don't get me wrong, things are going swimmingly between us. Rather swimmingly, really. James is perfect and the butterflies haven't stopped flapping away. Our talks are as profound as ever and our laughs are as meaningful as ever and our snogs are as remember-able as ever as well. Every kiss, every touch…everything. It's great and gets better every day. Honestly. It's like I'm flying.
About three or four weeks ago, we had our "one month anniversary" which makes absolutely no sense because an anniversary is celebrating a year so the "one month anniversary" concept makes no sense, but you know what I mean. It was the day after the full moon so he was quite restless. We spent most of the day lounging about by the lake with some food from the kitchens and we just did nothing, really. Though we did snog a bit down there and eventually made our way up to his dorm room and continued there until I decided it was enough and we were testing both of our self-control o-meters and he did put up a good fight but eventually I won because I always win against James. I have him totally whipped.
But back to the acting strange thing. It's not like, something huge, nothing like drastic. I just happened to pick up on something recently. A lot of times, we'll be having a really passionate or intense moment and he just looks at me in the eyes with his own filled of so many emotions, and he looks like he's about to say something very important like he's hiding something from me, but he usually just starts snogging me or says something ridiculously trivial. But other than that, he's been completely normal.
And as our "two month anniversary" drawers nearer, the weather is getting colder and James has been preoccupied getting ready for Gryffindor's second match of the season against Hufflepuff. Another Hogsmeade trip is in order soon and I am quite excited, but all James can think about is the bloody Quidditch match or trying to have his hands wander my body a little further down than I permit him. Slimy bastard.
Remus has officially given up on Delia. They snogged again. They were both drunk. Remus confessed his feelings. She told him it was sweet of him, but she still loved Michael. Then she went to the loo to vomit.
Ouch. I know.
Remus is a bit beaten up over it, but he's dealing. Delia feels awful, and she doesn't know whether to talk to him and try to be mates like normal or to distance herself from him so he gets over her. Neither plan is having a good outcome, though.
June and Noel had their first fight two weeks ago. They broke up for about five minutes, until June ran after him and then they went off to shag somewhere. Now their love-sick puppies once more. And they were giving Sirius and Carly a run for their money on how many times a day or week they go at it.
Anyway, James and I were in a, er, compromising position the other night in James's bed while Remus and Peter were occupied in the common room, when Sirius came barging in, interrupting us with only a smirk that appeared at a quick glance at us and then faded a bit too quickly. He muttered something about us never using the curtains and James covered me with them while I searched the bed and around it for the articles of clothing that were not on my person at the time (no, not everything was off, I am still a proper lady, thank you very much). James didn't bother to find his shirt or his pants, he just stood up in his boxers, walking over to Sirius, knowing immediately something had to be wrong.
"Mate, what is it?"
"I'm a git."
"Well, you didn't have to tell me that."
"No, Prongs, I'm the biggest idiot this world has ever produced," Sirius said in a very serious voice.
"What happened?"
"I can't tell you."
"What?"
"I mean…I can, just not with her in the room," Sirius said.
I had slipped back on everything that had been off, so I pulled the curtains away (quite dramatically) and said, "Excuse me?"
"I don't want you gloating about how right you were," he mumbled.
"Well, that helps us understand what you're talking about," I said sarcastically. "There are too many things I've been right about. Narrow it down, shall we?"
He sighed. "Ugh… just…" He breathed. "You were right about Carly."
Oh. Makes more sense.
Well of course I was right, dimwit! But I wasn't going to say that to him, because he had a distraught look on his face and I felt my heart sink for him.
"What do you mean?" asked James.
Oh, my James. So clueless.
"She, uh, well, wants to be in a relationship," he murmured.
"Oh," was all James said at first.
"Yeah, oh."
"And what did you tell her?" I asked.
He went onto his bed and lied down. "I told her, well, I had to think about it. And now she's pissed at me. Woohoo."
"Have you thought about it?" James asked, sitting beside me.
"Yeah," he answered slowly. "I just spent the past hour walking around thinking about it."
"And?"
"I haven't got a conclusion," he replied.
"Oh, Sirius," I sighed. "Just tell her you love her and have a good shag and finally call yourselves what you've been all along- a couple."
James suddenly tensed up which was odd but all right.
"But I don't know if that's what I want! To be in a relationship…I just…it doesn't feel right."
"What's wrong about it, Sirius? Look, does Carly mean anything to you?" I asked.
"Yes." The response was immediate.
"And do you think it's really worth losing her over something like this?"
"No."
"Well, there's your answer," James chimed in. "Just try it out, mate. Relationships aren't too bad."
"Except when you're in it with this one," I said, jerking my head in James's direction.
"But Carly's cool," said James, wrapping an arm around me. "I think you should go for it."
"Yeah?" asked Sirius, sitting up and scratching his head.
"Yes," I stressed to the best of my ability. "And if you regret it, blame me."
"Fine. Sounds like a good plan."
"That's it?" James asked. "You've made your mind up?"
"Yeah," said Sirius, getting up. "You guys make it sound so easy. I guess I'll give it a shot."
So Sirius went on his way to find Carly, while James and I regretfully did not go back to what we had been doing and instead went downstairs to find everyone else.
So Sirius and Carly are officially a couple now. They don't act too differently than they already had been, though, but they seem to be enduring in sexual activity more frequently once they've claimed their title, which is only unfortunate for James and I because it's now a race to the dorm room of who gets it for the night (not that James and I ever or have ever…I mean, of course not. It's way, way too early. Still not even considering it yet. Sorry, James. But, you know, we have our fair share of physicality, he-hem.). And it's only a race because I really don't like snogging for too long anywhere else, and it's much less likely we'll get caught. But really, broom closets and empty classrooms are not really my style, thank you very much, I have a lot more class than some people.
The week passed by and December had begun. James had added on even more practices for the Quidditch team, earning a lot of shouting matches about how "it's our last year and we can't afford to blow it" between James and the rest of the team, including June and Sirius. One, which occurred in the common room after their practice on the morning right before the full moon, which was also the day before our "two month." The next day would be the team's day off from practice, but they started the argument anyway.
"It's Hufflepuff, Potter," said Henry Thorne. "Don't stress out so much."
"Hate to agree with git of the century over there," said June, "but he's right, James. Six times a week? It's ridiculous!"
"Lighten up a little, mate," said Sirius to James in an obviously annoyed tone.
"What's the big bloody deal?" James shouted. "You all love Quidditch, don't you? So, you have to wake up a little earlier. So what? It's good exercise and a good way to wake yourself up in the morning! And we have to keep the practices up so we'll sweep the floor with Hufflepuff!"
"Wormtail could sweep the floor with Hufflepuff!" shouted Sirius. "Anyone could! Chill out a bit, yeah?"
"Fine," James said angrily. "I'll chill out. Sorry to bother you all," he said in a very not apologetic way and stomped upstairs without so much as a goodbye to me.
Sirius eyed me once James was gone, and I was about to speak when he said, "Don't you dare."
"I wasn't going to yell at you," I said, shutting my book and standing up, hugging it to my chest.
"Well, I don't want a 'you shouldn't be so hard on him' lecture either," he snarled, putting an arm around Carly's shoulder. "He's being hard on us."
"I know," I admitted. "But…"
Sirius snorted. "Save it, Lil. Sorry."
I rolled my eyes as Sirius and Carly left the Common Room, and June marched up to our dorm, and I looked over at Remus and Peter on the other side of the room who were playing wizard's chess but now seemed a bit distracted. I decided to go upstairs to his room to see if I could calm him down.
I knocked on the door but he didn't answer, so I opened the door to see James changing out of his Quidditch uniform into school robes, wearing nothing now but his pants, muttering to himself under his breath as he searched around for his clothes.
Then he said, "Would you leave me the bloody hell-" he looked up and saw it was me at the doorway. "Oh. Sorry. Thought you were Sirius."
I was a bit distracted looking at James with no shirt on, looking all bothered and frustrated…
What has happened to me?
Anyway, I tried to ignore the fact that he looked incredible handsome as I put my book down on his nightstand and said, "Nope. Just me."
He just nodded and looked at me without actually looking me in the eyes.
"Look, James," I started. "I understand you're upset and-"
"No offense, but I really don't need a lecture from you right now," James suddenly snapped at me, looking around aimlessly again.
"I wasn't going to give you a bloody lecture," I snapped back. Both him and Sirius said that. "I was just going to try and help."
"Well, I don't need your help."
"What the hell is up your arse this morning?" I asked.
"What's up yours every morning?" he shouted at me.
What in Merlin's name was his problem today! Was this really all about bloody Quidditch?
"Why are you attacking me?" I yelled. "I'm not the one giving you a hard time!"
"You're always giving me a hard time! Like just yesterday you would not stop badgering me about slacking off on bloody potions homework. Who gives a shit?"
Okay, now I was getting mad. "You're seriously trying to start a fight with me now over the dumbest thing in the world that happened yesterday when I came up here trying to make you feel better?"
"Well, look how well of a job you did at that," he spat.
I felt my eyes start to water. I tried to keep my voice strong. "You didn't even give me a chance to!"
"Because I just don't want to talk about it, all right? Now could you leave?"
I felt a lump in my throat and I was on the verge of crying. "I…I just wanted to help," I said in almost a whisper this time.
I turned around and opened the door to leave when James said, "Lily."
I didn't turn around. I just stood there.
"Your book," he finally said.
That pissed me off. I turned around, tears blurring my vision and I was about to start screaming that he's a horrible prat when he suddenly started swearing. "Fuck, bloody hell, Lily, I'm a damn tosser and I didn't mean to shout at you like that…I'm just so bloody angry right now! I didn't mean a word of it, honest, I just took it out on you, I'm sorry. Look…Okay. I guess…I guess I'm just stressed out. Being Head Boy and having to be responsible and all of that…looking in the Prophet every day to see more deaths, Mulciber and Avery up my arse every second, it was bad enough last year with Rosier and Lestrange around… my Dad and my Mum… trying to actually get work done because the teachers give us a shitload, really, and all I really want to do is just spend every second of every day with you and just push out the rest of the world and…and then there's Quidditch which is supposed to be fun and they make think I'm not making it fun but I like practicing every morning and feeling that rush, you know? And all they do is complain and it's our last year and I want to win the Quidditch Cup and the House Cup and I know I'm putting too much pressure on myself and them but I can't help it and I feel like the world is spinning way too fast!"
He finally finished, exasperated, falling backwards onto his bed. I just stood there, unsure of what to say. I knew I was still feeling a bit upset for him snapping at me, but I didn't want to be angry with him, because I wanted to help. I decided to sit next to him on the bed where he was lying. He immediately sat up and spoke again. "Lily, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything I said, I'm just frustrated and everyone else is cross with me right now, you're the last person I want to be cross with me. I need you to keep me sane, honestly," he said, with a small crooked smile.
"I forgive you," I said weakly. I didn't want to be cross with him either.
"Thanks," he said. "I really am sorry. I just don't know what to do anymore."
"Just try to relax. Full moon's tonight. You don't want to waste all your energy on silly things. Everything will work out. You'll win the match and just let them complain about the practices but in the end you'll know they'll pay off and so will they and they'll be happy about it. Your dad is fine and your mum is helping him. Mulciber and Avery and all of them are prats and will get what's coming to them in the end. I'm upset about all those deaths as well…Crouch seems to be on it, though. And I'm always here to help with Head duties and homework and all that fun stuff I know you just love," I told him.
"Yeah, it's a blast," he said sarcastically, smiling at me.
"Maybe you just need to approach it differently," I said. "Then you actually would find it fun."
"Since when did work equal fun?" he asked.
"Well, if you were, say, a professional Quidditch player, wouldn't that be fun?"
"That isn't work. That's play."
"But you get paid for it."
"Those people just have all the luck," he said.
I shrugged, "Maybe. But so are you. I mean, you have me, so you must have some lucky stars as well."
"Thanks, Lily," he suddenly said.
"You're welcome," I said.
He put a freshly coarse hand from playing Quidditch onto my face, caressing me gently, and then leaned in and gave me a nice sweet kiss on my lips, moving his hand to the back of my head and pulling me in closer as his tongue entered my mouth. I couldn't help but kiss him back. Kissing him was addictive. Honestly. He pulled me with him to the center of the bed and we lied down, me on top of him, and I was suddenly very aware again of the fact that he was not wearing a shirt as I let my hands roam his chest and arms and I was suddenly broken out of my trance when I realized what time it must be. The Quidditch team had eaten breakfast while most of us were still asleep, and I had finished breakfast early along with Peter and Remus so we all returned to the common room waiting for the team to be done with practice. Delia, on the other hand, was still asleep, but I was sure June had woken her up by now. But whilst this was all going on, so was breakfast for the rest of the world, or rather, the very end of it, and class was going to begin soon.
I reluctantly pulled away from James's captivating kiss. "We have to go," I told him.
"No, we don't," he said.
"We do. Class starts soon."
"We still have time," he said and then groaned as I got off of him and sat next to him instead.
He pulled my arm and I was suddenly lying down now next to him. He was now hovering over me, kissing me again. I talked against his lips. "James, c'mon."
"Can't we just skive off? Please?"
"We can't, J-"
He cut me off with another breathtaking kiss, and then pulled away and said, "Please, Lily. I told you how stressed I am…I just need a break…and it's Binns…can't we just skive off this once?"
I really strongly considered it, looking at his tired and worn out eyes that still twinkled as he looked into mine, but I decided we better not. "We have a free today, James. Let's just go to class and use our free to lounge about."
He sighed, resting his head against mine. "I just…"
"I know," I reassured him. "I know how you feel, I do."
He looked into my eyes and picked my chin up and kissed me gently for a few moments before parting from me and then getting off me, sighing heavily, and going into his drawers to get a shirt on and his robes.
I watched him change (he did not protest soooo) and helped him put on his tie (gosh we're so adorable). He got his rucksack and I took my book and we went to the common room, picked up my own rucksack and headed for History of Magic.
The rest of the day was all right. James seemed a little more relaxed even though Sirius, June, and the rest of the team still seemed cross with him. I tried distracting him, especially in History of Magic, where we drew pictures and had to guess what the other one drew. Delia was no where to be found, and June said she wasn't in the dorm before class started. Hm.
I told James he should sort out this stupidity with Sirius before the full moon so they can just enjoy the night. They talked it out after Defense and seem all good now, so I'm proud of myself for pushing him in the right direction. I'm such a great girlfriend.
Anyway, as I promised, James and I took our free to relax (and snog). James promised he'd do his homework eventually since it wasn't due for another week anyway (I don't believe him though).
We all had dinner together, except Delia, who was still missing in action. Where could she be? Remus looked slightly worried when Peter raised the question, but June told him not to worry because Delia does things like this from time to time.
After dinner, they decided to head out to the Whomping Willow. James gave me a lingering kiss goodbye and left with his mates, excited for the night's adventures.
I returned to the Common Room while almost everyone was still at dinner. June went off somewhere with Noel. I entered and Delia was on the couch, sitting alone.
"Uh, Delia?"
She didn't respond. I walked over to her and faced her and saw he had a black eye.
"Delia! What…what happened? Wha…who did that to you?"
"Regulus," she muttered.
"Why in Merlin's name…what…"
"It was last night," she said. "I was arguing with Michael…and Regulus showed up with a few of his friends, you know, little Rosier, and then there was the usual Mulciber and Avery and Snape…Michael's muggleborn, you know, so they started up with him and I threatened to hex them so Regulus thought it would be funny to punch me in the face…Michael got them the rest while I kicked Regulus in the bullocks and watched him cry like a baby as his friends dragged him away."
"Is that why you weren't in class today?" I asked.
"Er, partially…"
Oh no. "Why else…"
She sighed. "Let me finish the story and it'll explain everything. So after that I kind of just muttered a 'thanks' to Michael and ran off. He followed after me though, insisting I go to the Hospital Wing but I just wanted to get away from him. I got up a little after you did to go to breakfast when Michael was waiting for me and tried to physically drag me to Pomfrey. I refused and instead he wanted to heal it for me but I wouldn't let him. And then…somehow we ended up, er, shagging in an empty classroom."
Of course, she did. This was so like Delia. She always ran back to Michael. I mean, this was the longest they've actually been apart, but we always knew she'd run back to him. Michael wasn't a bad bloke, he just wasn't right for her. "Look, De-"
"We're not back together, if you're wondering," she muttered.
"Oh."
Nevermind, then.
"We spent the rest of the day together, though," she admitted. "Snogging a lot. We snuck off to Hogsmeade. We only shagged one more time. We talked a lot, too. Drank a little. We caught each other up on everything, apologized for certain things…But we decided to stay apart romantically wise and just try to be friends. It's obvious that neither of us can retain a stable relationship, at least with one another."
I looked at her and I noticed the sadness written all over her face. She still loved him.
"And your eye?"
"Oh, right," she said. "Michael conjured something up for me to fix it," she told me, holding up some small flask. "I just haven't used it yet."
I felt bad. I wanted to try to get her to say what she was really feeling. But I knew it was a long shot. "Delia, I-"
"Can we not talk about it?"
I sighed. Of course. "O-okay."
"How's James?"
"Good. We had a small row this morning but we're all sorted now," I told her.
At that moment, June came bursting in. "Noel Johnson is a down right tosser!"
So June came and told us about her row with Noel, which was the dumbest argument I have ever heard (it was over who started liking who first…like, seriously?). I may have been half listening and half thinking about James and how I really wished I was kissing him and talking to him about nothing and laughing with him but I still did enjoy being with my mates. We spent the rest of the night chatting and laughing and went to bed later than usual. It was the first time in a while that we really had a 'girls' night' so it was quite nice and I enjoyed the time with them immensely.
The next day, however, was for James and me. I woke up for breakfast and practically skipped the Great Hall, awaiting the day's adventures. I arrived at our table and only Kim and Wendy were there, talking to some sixth year girls and blokes. I ate some waffles and drank a whole mug of hot cocoa and the only people that came down were Delia and June. I had finished eating my waffles and I was starting to get worried so I started eating scone. Finally, James, Sirius, and Peter came down, looking rather exhausted.
"Where's Remus?" asked Delia.
Sirius raised an eyebrow at her and said, "Why do you care?"
"Padfoot," sighed James, sitting down next to me. He turned his head to Delia. "He's at his Mum's."
James then turned his head to me, whispered "Hi," and gave me a quick peck on the lips before turning his head back and filling up his plate with food.
I stared at the side of his face, which had a nasty scratch on it right near his ear. The side of his neck had a huge black and blue, and I looked down to notice one of his hands was clutching his left knee. He turned his head to me again and smiled, but I didn't smile back. He noticed and took his hand off his knee and instead put it around my waist, pulling me closer to him and kissing the top of my head. Ugh. This boy.
"You look exhausted," June announced, directing her announcement towards the boys.
"We are," murmured Peter.
"What were you guys up to?"
"Well, mischief, of course," said Sirius smugly.
"Oh, the usual," said Delia.
"Well, not the usual," said James. "We aren't so fond of consistency in our mischief. We like to spice it up a bit, don't you think?"
"Absolutely," said Peter.
"There ain't no other way to do it, my mates."
Just then, Carly shouted "SIRIUS BLACK!" and came storming over. Sirius rolled his eyes and then put on a smile as his girlfriend strode over. "Well, hello there, sweetheart, what is it that you are calling me for?"
"Don't sass me, Sirius."
"I wasn't," he lied.
"I need to speak with you. Right now. In private, if you don't mind," she said, grabbing him by his collar and dragging him away.
"Wonder what that was about," James mused.
"He's doomed," said Peter.
"It's been, what, a week and a half?" asked Delia.
"Yes, I'm going to win the bet!" June shouted.
"Bet?" I asked. "What bet?"
They all glared at June, and June looked like she wanted to smack herself for saying something she shouldn't have. "I mean, um, what bet?" June said.
I rolled my eyes. "The bet you just shouted about?"
"I didn't say anything about a bet," said June.
"You just-"
"So, anyway," June said, trying to stray away from the matter at hand. "Have you lot finished that essay for Slughorn?"
"Wait, wait, wait," I said. "What's this bet? On Sirius's relationship?"
They all looked at each other nervously.
"Yeah," Delia confessed.
"Oi, you idiot, why'd you tell her!" James yelled.
I gave him a scathing look, though I was taken aback when he turned his head to me and I got a good look at how tired and worn out he was. "Uh, I mean, she would have found at anyway?"
"I would have," I said, staring sadly at his pale and burned out face. He took notice I think of the way I was looking at him and nervously turned back to face the lot. "But anyway, I don't think it's very nice to put a bet on such a thing. Have a little faith in Sirius! He might surprise us."
Everyone laughed except for me. "I bet two weeks or less," said June.
"I bet a month," said Delia.
"I bet a day," said Peter. "And Remus bet two months."
James remained silent, not revealing his bet. "Well?" I asked him.
He opened his mouth to answer when June answered for him. "He bet four months. Longest one out of all of us."
Aw, James has the most faith in Sirius. I mean, of course he does, but I expected him to make a bet more like Peter's or June's.
"He seems to really like her," James shrugged, finishing up his waffle.
"I didn't know Sirius had the capability to actually fancy a person other than for their, er, assets," said Delia.
At that moment, Sirius came back to his seat, Carly no where to be seen, and he plopped down next to June.
"What happened?" asked Peter.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "I stood her up accidentally. I told her we'd spend the night together last night without realizing it was a…" He paused, realizing Delia and June were there. "Er, it was a blokes night, so she got a bit angry with me, to say the least."
"Did you break up?" asked June, it what sounded almost like a hopeful tone.
"Nah," he said.
"So what happened?" asked James.
"I snogged her a bit. Shut her up for enough time to not be so cross with me. I promised I'd make it up to her. That's it."
"Why isn't my relationship that easy," sighed June.
"That's really it?" asked James.
"Yep. A good snog is just as good as an apology. You should try it on Lily sometime, Prongs," Sirius said, pealing a banana.
"Excuse me, Sirius, I happen to be right here," I chimed in.
"I am aware," he responded, reaching out and pinching my cheek before taking a bite of his banana. "So now you have the heads up that James will try it out sooner than later."
"Like hell he will," I said, rolling my eyes, feeling James tighten his grip on my waist.
Can't tell whether that was a protective move or a move kind of move, if you know what I mean.
Either way, I'm not sure I minded so much. In fact, I scooted closer to him.
He didn't seem to mind either. I continued to look at his face though, worrying.
A minute or two later though, James whispered in my ear, "Can we go for a walk?"
"Sure," I answered, and we both got up from the table, said goodbye to the lot, and left. James automatically took my hand and we walked out of the Great Hall. We had around ten minutes until class started anyway. James and I walked down the corridors until we found an empty one.
Once we reached one, I said, "You're going to attempt Sirius's suggestion, aren't you?"
He laughed, "No, I'm not."
"Not that I would care so much," I heard myself say. Wow, I'm a dunce. "But since I'm not really angry with you at the moment, I don't think it would really work. But you could try."
"I really just wanted to talk," he said gently.
James Potter passing up a snog? Something was up.
"Okay then," I said slowly. "What's up?"
"It's just…well…I wanted to ask you to please stop looking at me like that," he said in almost a whisper.
"What do you mean?"
"Like I've just been attacked or severely hurt or something. You always look at me the day after the full moon like that. You even did it before we were dating and you knew, but now it's even worse," he said. "And I'm really fine."
I sighed. I guess I was doing it subconsciously now. I can't help it that I'm worried about him. It's just a natural reaction. "I'm sorry," I whispered.
"I'm safe, you know. I always am. I know what I'm doing, and so does Sirius and Peter. Don't be scared, Lily."
Almost like it was out of nowhere, I felt tears forming in my eyes. This was a door I just did not like opening. Thinking about how James risks his life every month just to keep his friend company…It's so noble and sweet but it kills me when I see him the next day looking like he just got hit by a truck.
"I can't help it! You look so tired and beat up and…" I put my hand on his cheek and got lost staring at his color-drained face, still beautiful but troubled. His glasses were all askew so I straightened them out and James grabbed my hand and pulled it slowly off his face but kept hold of it. I took a breath. "Look, I…I think it's brilliant, what you do for Remus. Really. Disregarding the fact that it's illegal and all that you're an unregistered animagus…but still, it's really quite admirable and Remus is so lucky to have a friend like you. You're so wonderful, James. I…I just get worried that you're putting too many burdens on your shoulders and…that one day you'll just completely wear yourself out or get hurt or…"
"Lily," he said, squeezing my hand. "I know my limits. I'm okay. You just got to…you got to trust me with this, okay?"
"I…does it hurt?" I asked suddenly.
"No," he said. "Well, my knee hurts a little, but I took something in my pumpkin juice during breakfast that'll make it better in a few minutes."
"Nothing else?" I inquired.
"Nope," he reassured me. "I'm used to the scratches and bruises. They'll clear up by tomorrow."
I frowned and he pulled me against his chest and put his arms around me. "I'm okay. I'm always going to be." He let go and lifted my chin up and brought his lips to mine, and I eagerly responded and separated his lips with my tongue, kissing him fiercely and wrapping my arms around his neck securely. He responded enthusiastically, and, er, his body reacted quite quickly, if you know what I mean. We stood there in the still abandoned corridor kissing for quite a few minutes.
Before we got carried away, which we almost always did, he parted his mouth from mine, and we both were breathing heavily. I kept my eyes closed. He put his forehead against mine, and then in a very low whisper, he breathed out, "I love you."
I froze. My heart stopped. My body stiffened. I didn't dare to open my eyes.
I love you.
He LOVED me? How is that even…how could…I mean, love? Love, like, real love?
Surely, he was wrong. How could he love ME? Silly old, uptight, no fun, boring, average, me?
I mean, sure he fancied me for all those years but, love? Love?!
I love you.
So that's why he's been acting so strange. That's what he's been almost telling me this whole time, these past few weeks…but we've only been together for two months!
This was crazy. Mental. Not normal.
The scariest part was thinking about whether I loved him back or not.
Did I? Love? I mean…I cared for him a lot. Much more than I ever thought I could. Much more than anyone… Was it love? I really don't know. I mean, there were definitely times where it felt like it could be love… But how was I to know for sure?
I love you.
I didn't want to say it back. I couldn't, because I didn't know if I really did love him or not. It's very possible I do. It's also possible that I'm just highly infatuated. I think I definitely am capable of loving him. I really, really, care for him. I think there's supposed to be a moment when you just know. Where I feel like I have to say it or the world will explode. So when that moment comes, I'll say it back. But for now…
I just can't.
I don't know how long neither of us spoke for, but I just kept hearing I love you over and over in my head. Eventually, James spoke again in a weary voice. "Lily?"
I had forgotten how to speak almost. I didn't know how to respond. What was I supposed to say?
Luckily, James spoke again. "You…" He sighed, taking his head off mine. "You don't have to say it back."
I finally opened my eyes reluctantly, afraid of looking James in the eye, but I did anyway.
He was smiling very weakly at me. His hazel eyes seemed glossier than usual behind his glasses and he had taken his hands off me and put one in a pocket and the other in his hair.
"J-James…" I stuttered. "I…it's not that I don't…I just…I…"
"It's okay," he said softly. "Look, we should get to class. The bell's bound to ring any moment."
I knew James wasn't really okay at all, because when did he EVER suggest going to class? But I didn't protest. I really didn't have much to say, mostly because I couldn't formulate my thoughts into coherent sentences, anyway. We walked in silence, a couple of feet apart, to Potions. We almost never walked together without holding hands or arms around each other, and part of me really wanted to grab his hand or wrap my arm around his waist, but James seemed lost in thought, and after what just happened, I don't know how much he wanted me to touch him anyway without it seeming like pity, so I didn't.
James sat next to Sirius in potions instead of me. I sat with Delia, who questioned James's absence from my side but I ignored the question, pretending I didn't hear it. I watched him carefully all lesson. He didn't look at me once, not once. I couldn't tell if he seemed upset or was just pondering really hard, but he was actually working on his potion rather than doing something like throwing paper airplanes at Severus's head. I heard Sirius ask him what was wrong a few times and James kept saying "nothing" but I'm sure Sirius knew it wasn't "nothing."
After class, James left with Peter, and Sirius lagged behind to ask me if I knew what was wrong. I carefully avoided eye contact with him and said I had no idea, and I'd make sure to talk to him after classes about it. Sirius seemed a little suspicious, but didn't vocalize it and caught up with his mates on their way to Herbology.
During double Herbology, James only looked at me once or twice, each time giving me a small smile before quickly averting his attention to something or someone else. He wasn't cross with me, I don't think, but he certainly was upset. My stomach dropped every time I looked at him and I just wanted to make it all better, but I couldn't.
The bell rang, and I decided to leave the Greenhouse first, not to get away, but so that I could catch James when he left, and he couldn't leave before me.
I waited outside the greenhouse and sure enough James came out with Sirius and Peter. I pulled James aside from them and took his hand in mine. He didn't look me in the eyes and seemed a little taken aback by my actions. "Have lunch with me?" I asked hopefully.
"I'm going to the Hospital Wing with Sirius and Peter to check up on Remus," he said in a low voice. "Sorry," he added quickly.
"Oh…all right, I suppose," I said slowly. I breathed, trying to keep myself composed. "Well, I'll see you, erm, later." And then I reached up and gave him a short peck on the lips, and without getting a good look at his face, I stalked off and caught up to June and Delia.
Lunch was uneventful, but there was a bit of a silver lining when James sat down next to me during Transfiguration. He smiled slightly at me when he sat down and even gave me a shy "hey" and kissed my cheek. Unfortunately, though, he then fell silent again and became quite interested in his rucksack.
I was about to try and strike up a conversation when McGonagall came in and immediately started the lesson.
The bell rang and I took James's hand before he could leave and he didn't do anything to get out of my grasp so I assumed it was a good sign, and we walked out of class together in silence, which I didn't like, so I tried to talk.
"How's Remus feeling?" I asked.
"He's hanging in," he said. "Could be better."
"Well, at least he's all right," I said.
End of conversation.
Literally.
This was a terrible "two month anniversary" if you ask me.
I mean, it probably would have been better if I said I loved him back.
Wow, I'm the WORST.
I've ruined everything! James probably hates me now! He probably thinks I'm a horrible, heartless, bitchy, terrible, cruel, old hag who he should never have bothered with!
I wanted to say something but I just didn't know what! So as we continued walking in silence to Charms, I started rubbing his hand with my thumb and he tried smiling but I could see right through it. During charms he sat next to me, but he was passing notes with Sirius, and I could have sworn I saw my name in there at least once.
Way to go for subtlety, boys.
Classes ended and we only had homework in Transfiguration.
"Well," I said to him on our way out, as I noticed Sirius eyeing me suspiciously. "I'm going to eat and then go to the library to do McGonagall's essay and get it over with. You want to join me?"
"Well, er, I was going to go visit Remus again. We promised we'd bring him some actual food and eat with him."
"Well," I said, suddenly bothered at how many times we were both starting off our sentences with 'well.' "Er, when we're both done, then, can we at least spend some time together? I thought that was the plan for tonight. I was looking forward to it."
It was quite strange having to keep asking and suggesting and taking action myself to actually be with James because usually he was the one initiating everything, so I was quite proud of myself for doing so. He seemed a bit taken back as well, I think.
"Yeah, yeah, of course. I just…sorry. We'll be quick with Remus. How about I meet you in the library when you're finished with your essay?" he said.
"Okay," I agreed, feeling a bit more optimistic. That feeling slipped away quite suddenly when he let go of my hand.
"Okay," he said. "I'll see you."
He smiled wearily and turned around and started walking. I called after him before he could get away. "James!"
He turned back around and I marched right over to him, pulled on his collar and brought his mouth right to mine fiercely, kissing him with everything I had in me. I couldn't let him think I didn't care for him at all. Because I did. Just because I didn't say those three damn words doesn't mean he's not one of if not the most important person in my life! I'm just…I'm just scared. That's all. And kissing James didn't make me feel scared. It made everything feel right. And he was kissing me back and that meant something.
I broke it apart quicker than I would have liked to, because we were in a corridor and people were passing by, but I think I left a good impression on James of how I felt about him because his ears were all pink and he had that not-so-innocent crooked grin on his face when I said goodbye and made my way to the Great Hall to find June and Delia.
I neglected telling June and Delia of today's events thus far, because it seemed like more of a private thing between James and I, and I wanted to keep it that way, even if his mates got it out of him, I didn't want mine to find out, at least not yet.
June told us about her and Noel's romantic make up and how he's the most amazing boyfriend in the entire world and how perfect he is and Delia and I tried to hold in our laughs because in truth we were very happy for June, she was just very over-the-top about it all, if you know what I mean. But that's just the way she was with everything: very dramatic.
We ate dinner and then went our separate ways. I headed to the library and did my essay for McGonagall. I was writing my last few sentences when James found me at my usual private table, looking a lot lighter than before.
He sat down right next to me without saying a word as I finished it up. I rolled up my parchment and put it in my rucksack. I turned to him and was about to say hello when he put his arm around me and started snogging me right there in the library.
Boy, were we doing a lot of snogging today.
Not that I minded at all.
I mean, we were in a library though. And though I'll admit we were in a pretty private and deserted area, that didn't mean we could just have a snog session in the middle of it!
But it was an improvement of how James was acting towards me since the whole 'I love you' thing this morning.
I reluctantly broke away, but chose my words carefully so that James would know I wasn't denying any of his affection at all. "Er, hi," I said, flustered, straightening out my shirt. "How about we, um, go up to the dormitories?"
Oh, Merlin. That sounded so wrong. I mentally cringed.
He took my rucksack for me (what a gentleman), and we walked together to Gryffindor tower in silence. We made our way into the Common Room and went up to his dormitory together. He closed the door and though I expected us to go back to our heated snog that started in the library, instead, James let out a long sigh and spoke before sitting on his bed.
"Lily…I need to get something off my chest."
Oh boy. Here we go.
I nodded, sitting beside him. He turned to me. "I want you to know that…that I meant what I said this morning, and still mean it," he said softly, taking a breath. "I love you. I really do. And I shouldn't have been so thick to think you would say something like that back after only two months…Or that you would even know if you felt that way as well-"
"You aren't thick, James," I tried to say in my strongest voice.
He smiled. "I am. I don't regret saying it, though. And, er, well, you don't have to say it back until you're ready, or at all, but I don't want that to stop me from saying it to you. If I feel the need to say it to you, I'm going to say it. It's one of those things I just can't hold in anymore. I love you, Lily. I always have."
It literally took every fiber of my being to stop myself from bawling my eyes out.
He loved me. Truly and honestly and sincerely loved me. I could hear it in his voice. He actually did. It scared me. It confused me. It made me feel so much at once I felt like I was going to collapse.
I think James noticed my emotional state because after looking at me for a few moments he cradled me against his chest and we lied down on his bed. It only took a minute or two until I decided to speak again.
"Thank you," I muttered against him.
And, in a matter of speaking (pun intended,) that was really the only speaking either of us did for quite some time after that.
We were a bit preoccupied for an hour or so, thankfully with no interruptions like normally. I may have let us do a bit more than I usually permit (Not that we shagged or anything. Sheesh. But he told me he loved me. Now wasn't the time to be a prig) and he seemed both appreciative and taken aback by my kindness.
You're welcome, James.
Not that I didn't enjoy our time together myself. I very much did.
When James and I finally came to a halt in our, er, activities, I rested my head against his chest and traced my finger along it while he ran his fingers through my hair repeatedly.
"I'm hungry," James said suddenly, totally ruining the mood.
I laughed. "Didn't you eat with Remus?"
"Yeah, but a bloke's always hungry, Lil."
"Don't you have some sweets up here?"
"Yeah, but I want real food. Some chicken or brisket or something."
"Well, you can go and get, but I'm comfortable right here."
"Lily."
"James."
"I want food!"
"I want to stay in this comfortable bed."
"You're impossible."
"Ditto."
"Fine so stay."
"I will."
"And I'll just go get some food."
"You go do that."
"Okay."
"You aren't getting up."
"I'm taking my time."
"Sure."
"I'm getting up, sheesh."
"James?"
"Yes?"
"I don't think you should go to the Great Hall in just boxers."
"Where are my trousers?"
"Missing."
"Thanks. Now give them here."
"Nah, I don't feel like it."
"Lily, I need my pants."
"Never thought I'd hear James Potter begging a girl to give him back his pants."
"You're the worst."
"You love me."
"I do."
"I don't know why you do. I mean, I am the worst."
"Shut it."
"Weren't you going to get your chicken or something?"
"Eh, it can wait."
"Oh, now it can wait."
"Want some sweets?"
"I'm in a chocolate mood."
"I've got some chocolate frogs."
"Get 'em out, my boy."
"I'm not a boy, I'm a man."
"You keep telling yourself that."
We spent the rest of the night eating sweets, bantering, actually talking and having conversations with topics varying from school to his mates to my mates to his family to the future, and some more snogging here and there.
Eventually, Sirius, Peter, and a much better Remus came up, requesting that I leave ("we really like you, obviously, we just want you out of our room, thanks" as Sirius so nicely put it) (and thankfully I was fully dressed when they barged in) and James walked me back to the Common Room to the stairs to my dorm and gave me a nice goodnight kiss and told me he loved me one more time before we finally went to our respective dorms.
I love you.
James loved me. It was a scary, scary thought. It was just as scary, if not scarier, to think that one day maybe I would know for certain that I felt the same way back.
It was also quite a wonderful thought.