A/N: Final chapter, guys. Thanks a lot for all the follows, favorites, reviews, and most important, for reading. I really appreciate all the support you all have shown. :) And now, the final act.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.
It All Ends With a Bang.
Supreme Overlord Nicholas J. Fury's Throne Room, CDoSHIELD's Floating Fortress
Bobbi Morse was dead.
Maria Hill was dead.
Phil Coulson was dead.
Supreme Overlord Nicholas J. Fury could hardly believe his ears when Natasha and Clint barged into his office and began rambling things at a hundred miles a second. "Wait, wait, wait. Run that by me again."
Natasha rolled her eyes and repeated herself. "I said Hill, Coulson and Morse are dead. The scourges of the USST Avenging Avengers Brigade killed them. I'm formally requesting that we perform a nuclear strike against Stark Tower. Wipe them off the map," she explained, smashing her fist to her open palm for emphasis.
As Clint nodded with approval, Supreme Overlord Fury's eye widened in disbelief. "You want WHAT?! Agent Romanoff, I have indulged this little exercise for long enough, I think. It's time for you all to –"
"We don't have time for this, sir!" she said, slamming her hands on his desk. "The Avenging Avengers are on their way here as we speak to assassinate you, and if that happens, all is lost!"
She was adamant, borderline hysterical, much to the dismay of the Supreme Overlord. He sighed and rubbed his one good eye. Even Clint seemed to be taking this whole thing far too seriously than was normal. "I'm sorry, but I just can't condone what you two are planning."
Instead of arguing, Natasha nodded and walked out promptly. Fury's eye widened a bit more once he realized the implications of that. He also realized that his office was likely going to be one big painting canvas by day's end.
Meanwhile, aboard the Quinjet, the Avenging Avengers had just finished their final plans to put an end to the Communist Dictatorship of SHIELD once and for all. Jane, Steve, Thor, Tony and Bruce were all ready and willing to do whatever it took to get the job done. Even dying wasn't off the table.
Jane even went ahead and brought in a specialist. Darcy Lewis, the greatest paintball player known to mankind. She had well over one thousand confirmed kills in her illustrious five year career. Steve and Bruce watched in awe as she disassembled and then reassembled her paintball gun within seconds.
She was like Natasha, only not a Communist.
"What's the situ, bffae?" she said to Jane.
"Huh?"
Darcy sighed. "What's the situation, my best friend for all eternity? What are we walking into?"
"Oh! Well, there are several hundred agents aboard the helicarrier. All of which we will assume are allied with the Communists. Natasha and Clint are the only two left of the task force Fury sent out to eliminate us, but that makes them more dangerous. It's like the Inverse Ninja Law."
Darcy nodded slowly. "Understood. What's my part in this?"
This time, it was Tony that answered. "We're all going to fight our way through the SHIELD hordes until we get to Fury's throne room. From there, you and Jane will sneak into his office and take him out. The rest of us will keep Nat, Clint and whoever else busy until the job is done."
As they all nodded in agreement, Bruce glanced at the cockpit. To his shock, it was empty. "Um, guys, if we're all here, who's flying the jet?"
"Don't question it, Bruce," Steve said, "just don't question it."
A few minutes later, the Quinjet somehow managed to land itself safely. A pair of agents walked up as the Avenging Avengers were exiting. "Oh wow! You Captain Ameri–" one of them exclaimed before being shot in the face by Steve.
"You know your assignments, move out."
The battle was immediate, and the agents of SHIELD didn't know what hit them. Literally. Most of them were actually shocked to to see the Avengers aboard the helicarrier, actually shooting at them with paintball guns. Others tried to reason with them, but were shot dead for their actions. The rest ran like cowards and were killed anyway.
It was the easiest battle the Avenging Avengers had ever partaken in. "These yahoos literally have no fucking idea what they're doing," Darcy commented as she recorded another five headshots in quick succession.
"Yeah. It's almost like they don't know this is a paintball war," Tony agreed, as if there was no way anyone couldn't have known what was happening.
Meanwhile, Clint and Natasha overheard the ruckus from two hallways away and cursed simultaneously. The redhead quickly finished cobbling together her makeshift bomb while the other poked his head out the door. "Look! It's Clint!" he heard Jane inform.
"Crap, time to go, Nat!" he said as he quickly undid the latches to the air vent cover.
"Hang on, almost done."
He quickly lobbed a grenade down the hall and watched it bounce between Jane and… wait, was that Darcy?! "Grenade! Look out, Darcy!" It was her! How did they recruit the greatest paintball soldier in history?!
"Crap, they have Darcy."
"What?! That's, like, totally not fair! She's the greatest paintball player of all time," Natasha whined. "Anyway, I'm finished. Let's get out of here." She quickly leaped into the vent, followed closely by Clint, who barely missed having his foot taken off by Jane.
"After them!" Darcy yelled. She and Jane crawled after them in the shaft while the others headed for Fury's throne room.
Agents Sitwell and Hill were innocently walking down the hall, minding their own business when they crossed paths with the four men. Hill immediately threw her hands up in surrender. "Wait! I'm dead, remem– AIIIIIIIEEEEE!" she tried to explain before being riddled with paintballs. Sitwell stood in stark shock and fear before receiving a single paintball to the forehead. He was dead before his head snapped back.
Crawling in the air vents proved to be a hindrance for those trying to shoot any sort of weapon, paintball guns being no exception. Darcy tried to line up her shot, but either lost her balance trying to aim and missed narrowly, or pressed her knee against something hard and jerked back in pain.
This exact thing happened as soon as she had a headshot barely lined up, and she ended up barely missing Clint's left elbow. "Dammit, I can't get a clean shot!"
Jane unhooked and armed a grenade, and threw it as hard as she could. "Die!"
Clint kicked an air vent cover open, which allowed the grenade to harmlessly fall into the opening and bounce off of prisoner Loki's head. "Wha-" he managed before it blew up in his face, killing him instantly. "Damn mortals," his headless body muttered.
Jane cursed as she heard the grenade blew up down below them. "Dammit, that was my last one."
"Don't worry. If we don't get them, the others will."
Natasha and Clint dropped down out of the air vents, surprising a pair of interns, and immediately sprinted down the hall toward Fury's throne room. "We have to get to Fury before the others do!" she said. They started down a new hall, only to be confronted by Steve and Tony. "Kill those bastards!" both pairs yelled, and the paintballs started flying.
Steve managed to duck behind a water fountain before having the top of his head taken off by a hail of balls. He waited until the flurry ended before he and Tony returned fire. "YAAAAAAH!" he yelled as he rained hell down upon the agent Clint was using as a human shield. The poor girl was nothing but a pile of swiss cheese when he was done with her.
"Agent Drew! You won't be forgotten!" Clint returned fire, and cheered when he clipped Steve's shoulder. His rate of fire was much slower than the other three, but his accuracy was better, since he was using a weapon he was much more comfortable with.
"I'm hit! I'M HIT!" Steve cried out.
"Bastards!" Tony sprinted from behind his hiding place and ran up the wall to get a better shot on Natasha. He managed to hit her in the ankle, and followed up with a grenade, intending to finish her off for good. She batted it away at the last second, and it landed in Bobbi's lap, where it exploded.
"Oh God, my ovaries!" Bobbi screamed.
"Clint, cover me!" Clint kept the soldier and inventor at bay as Natasha sprinted to safety down the hall. She then turned and rained down fire upon them until Clint was also safe.
"After them! Don't let them get away."
Meanwhile, at Supreme Overlord Fury's throne room, Thor and Bruce, who had taken a shortcut and arrived before everyone else, kicked the door in and started blasting. Out of the ten agents plus Fury who were either standing or sitting in the office, only Fury was spared. "Banner, Thor! What the hell is the meaning of this?!"
"The word 'this' is used to indicate a person, thing, idea, state, event, time, remark, etc., as present, near, just mentioned or pointed out, supposed to be understood, or by way of emphasis, ei, 'This is my office' or 'this is my gun'," Bruce replied with a smarmy smirk.
"…what?"
"You asked for the definition of the word this, and he indeed gave it to you," Thor answered, the same smirk playing across his lips.
Fury just stared at the both them as if they had just grown three more heads. "Not you two, too! You've all taken this thing way too far, and I'm putting an end to it right here, right now." He reached for his phone, but quickly drew his hand back when Thor shot it into a million pieces. "My phone!"
"You won't be calling upon any reinforcements today, Supreme Overlord!"
"Now then," both Bruce and Thor took a dangerous step forward when both air vent covers above Fury came crashing to the ground, followed quickly by Jane and Darcy. They both trained the weapons on either side of Fury's head, who had his hands raised in surrendered.
"Gotcha now, bastard!" Jane said triumphantly.
"Not you too, Dr. Foster!"
"Hey, what about me?"
"To be honest, Ms. Lewis, I've come to expect this sort of thing from you." To that she beamed.
"Damn straight. Hey you two, stand by the door so when Nat and Clint show up, we can trap them." Bruce and Thor nodded and pressed themselves against the wall by the door, unseen from anyone passing by. After that, Jane and Darcy ducked down behind the desk and waited.
Meanwhile, Steve and Tony gave chase to the two spies, taking shots whenever they could. The latter hurled his knife and caught Clint in the thigh.
"AAIIIIIEEEEEEE!" he screamed as he clutched his injured leg. "Go on without me!"
"Stow that talk soldier, we're here," she replied as she literally dragged him into Fury's throne room. "Finally, we're saf–"
"Reach for the stars, dirtbags," Bruce said cooly as he and Thor jumped out and trained their weapons on the two assassins.
"It's a trap!" Fury yelled.
"Gee thanks, Ackbar," Clint deadpanned. He and Natasha were forced to their knees as Darcy and Jane jumped back up and aimed at Fury.
Thor laughed. "I understood that reference."
"You understand this one? Clint, rochambeau!" She and Clint elbowed Bruce and Thor in their groan, sending both men tumbling to the ground. Before the ladies could react, they were scampering behind cover and preparing to fire. "Make 'em dead, Clint!"
"YAAAAAAAAHH!"
Fury, Jane and Darcy ducked down before being hit by the barrage of paint. The latter two rose and fell like a game of wack-a-mole as they returned volley for volley, barrage with barrage. Neither pair scored a hit, strangely; and that fact didn't change once Thor and Bruce regained their wits about them and rejoined the fray.
"Not in my fucking office!" Fury bellowed, but to no avail. To make matters worse, the already cramped throne room was made even more so by Steve and Tony bursting through the door, guns blazing and roars thundering through the room. In the blink of an eye, all eight of them were engaged in the most intense close quarters paintball war ever seen by mortal or immortal eyes. Thor would vouch for the latter at a later date.
Both Natasha and Clint had Tony dead to rights, but the billionaire shot forward and did a backflip off of Fury's desk. While still in midair, he drew his hand paintball gun and dual fired on the two assassins. He missed Natasha, but got Clint in the shoulder twice. He went to finish the archer off for good when, *click* *click* "Shit, I'm out!"
"Me too," Steve said.
"Me three," Thor added.
"Me four," Bruce cried.
"Me five," Jane lamented.
"Not me, fuckers," Clint yelled with joy. He stood and fired, but his paintball was somehow intercepted by another paintball. He looked in complete shock and saw Darcy with two fully loaded guns. "But how? Ice this bitch!"
Darcy stepped from behind the desk, into the line of fire of both assassins, without an ounce of fear on her face. Both agents unleashed unrelenting volleys of paintballs on the intern. She smoothly dodged everything that came near her, even the one she couldn't have possibly known where coming.
"Impossible!" Natasha screamed. She threw her last grenade, which was batted away and exploded out in the hallway. Clint quietly threw his last when her back was turned, but she reached back and caught it without looking, tossing it casually into the chair which Natasha was hiding behind.
"She's the Jesus Christ of paintball!" Clint wailed as he fired the last of his paintballs futilely. They were dodged, as were Natasha's.
They, along with the Avenging Avengers and Fury, stood in shock and awe, slack jawed and eyes wide open.
"My turn," she said dangerously. She leaped onto Fury's desk and backflipped off, unleashing her own barrage of impossibly accurate paintballs.
Clint was hit three times in the head and twenty in the chest. He was dead before he hit the ground. Natasha was hit ten times in the chest and ten times in each arm and leg. She slumped to the ground, barely breathing and hardly able to speak.
Darcy landed with her guns crossed over her chest. She slowly looked up, allowing the men in front of her to gaze upon her intensity. It was awe inspiring. "She is indeed the Odin of paintball," Thor commented.
Natasha fiddled with her sleeve and pulled out what looked like a detonator. "If I'm going out, I'm taking ALL THESE MOTHER FUCKERS WITH ME!" With that, she cackled insanely and pressed the button.
"Look out!" Steve yelled as he leaped out of the door when the bomb Natasha left lying on the ground exploded. Every square inch, including the people inside, of the throne room was covered in black and red paint.
Everyone in the room was killed. Tony, Darcy, Bruce and Thor, being the closest, were vaporized instantly. Jane and Fury, being behind the desk, had their upper bodies vaporized while their lower bodies remained untouched. Natasha and Clint died from their paintball inflicted wounds, and thus were already dead when the bomb detonated.
All was quiet, except from the sound of wet paint sliding down the wall and the pained groans of the seven corpses.
Steve poked his head in the door and surveyed the carnage. Upon seeing Natasha and Clint, and more importantly Fury, dead, he checked himself over. He was somehow untouched.
"Hey, I'm alive! We won!" he declared, throwing his arms up in victory. The Avenging Avengers all jumped up and yelled in celebration.
"Ahahaha! In your faces!" Tony laughed. "Now pay up."
"Are you serious?! How the hell did Steve of all people survive? No offense," Clint demanded as he stood tall and stretched his aching limbs out.
"None taken. And I jumped out at the last second. Now pay up, both of you. And don't forget Bobbi, either."
The losing pair grumbled and forked over the one hundred dollars to each of the winners, as per the agreement set out before the war began. "Ah, today was indeed a glorious battle. Well fought, my friends."
"Especially you, Darcy. I had no clue you were that good," Bruce commented with a genuine smile. The others all added their agreement.
Darcy just shrugged. "When you get in the zone, crazy shit happens."
"Well, I'm glad I asked you to play with us," Jane said. She walked over and joined her friends by the door.
Fury jumped up from behind his desk and almost cried when he saw the state of his office. Not even a single centimeter of it was its original color. Literally everything, including him, was covered in paint of all sorts of colors. "WHAT THE ACTUAL LIVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!" he roared at the top of his lungs.
"Jeez, what's his problem?" Tony asked.
"Yeah, the way he's acting, it's like we did something wrong," Natasha frowned.
"GET OOUUUUUUUUT!"
"Okay, sheesh. No need to blow a gasket," Jane said as they all shuffled out.
Fury was right; his office was one big paint canvas.
All in all, the Avenging Avengers won the Great Paintball War of 2013 and they, along with Jane and Darcy, were prohibited from ever setting foot on the helicarrier again.
And they all lived happily ever after.
–End–