My fingers were still trembling on the steering wheel as I'm speeding down the I-5.
I've been so good.
I use every bit of concentration to keep my eyes from blinking so I don't cry. I can feel my tear ducts burning, threatening the eruption of tears the minute I blink. I will not cry. Not over this.
I've been so good.
The scars were old. At least four years old, some were older but others were deeper.
But I've been so good.
I've made a promise to myself. Time will heal everything. One day nobody will ever see.
"I'VE BEEN SO FUCKING GOOD!" I screamed into the windshield. I felt my scream reverberating in the car, unable to escape, unable to be free.
Suddenly, a flash of lightening erupted in the clear blue sky.
"FUCK!" I yelled and slammed the steering wheel with my palm. Now I have a speeding ticket I have to pay Kate back for. This might mean I'd have to work an extra week at the hardware store so I don't blow my budget.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!" It's too much to take and I pulled over in the emergency lane. I will not cry.
I've been so good.
Why the hell did I have to push Christian Grey into a corner? I know that was what Kate wanted me to do, but her line of questioning didn't work and I could've just let it lie.
Sorry Kate, he's not into sorority types. He clammed up about anything personal. He won't answer the questions. That was all I had to tell her. End of story.
Oh my God! The look in his eyes when he saw me! Like I was some poor dove that crashed into his floating office. Oh poor birdie, did you break a wing? Let me put splint in that.
I don't need his pity! I don't need anybody's fucking pity!
I've been so good.
If I never stepped foot into that office this would've never happened. Stupid Katherine Kavanagh and her stupid laryngitis. I never should've agreed to this. I have exams next week. I could be in my corner at the library, in my unstained sweater, leaving to go to work right now.
Why have I of all people would have to sub for Kate when there's plenty of reporters who works for the campus press? Kate doesn't trust any of the girls not to get googly eyed at Christian Grey and forget to ask her questions but she can't get a guy to do it because she needs some female charm to soften his disposition before she sneaks her real agenda in. This will be Kate's last editorial and she doesn't care if she pisses off the opening speaker before graduation. She intends to go out with a bang. I'm not even a reporter or associated with the college paper at all. Truth is, she asked me because of my frigid reputation. Kate says time and time again that I'm the only virgin on campus. Honestly, I'm not frigid, saving myself or anything idealistic like that. It's just that no one has come close enough for me to take the leap. Sure, the occasional self-proclaimed charmer had tried to get my number once in a while, but it's really not charming at when you hear every word come out of the other person's mouth is ultimately about themselves.
The only people who fall for that aren't really listening.
So I had been volunteered to do this interview so Kate's swan song won't turn into an interview of Zach Efron for Cosmo Girl. We're not even what I would call chummy as far as roommates go. We make small talk and stayed out of each other's way very well in the last few years and that's more than a lot of people can hope for in college.
I took a deep breath. Fact is, I agreed to this because I'd thought I might enjoy doing something out of the ordinary. The prospect of trapping a young industrialist by cornering him with Kate's research seemed fun. I thought it would be a day in Katherine Kavanagh's shoes. Smart, beautiful with rich parents and not a care in world, I thought I could play make-believe for a day. But no, my scars always catch up with me.
Why did I push him? Why did I get angry when felt he thought I was dumb? Is it because he could make me blush? Because I felt - attracted to him? God you're stupid Ana! First celebrity you see and you get a crush? How fucking naive are you? I bet you'd be one of those interns sleeping with a senator if you get the chance. Jesus fucking Christ.
After what felt like an eternity, I finally calmed down enough to make the drive home.
Kate's door was closed when I got back and I assume she's resting in her room. I quickly got changed into my jeans and converse to make my shift for Clayton's. Exhausted from today's emotional roller coaster, the thought of mind numbing work didn't sound like a bad idea to me.
As I headed out for work, I left Kate's digital recorder, her car keys and a note on the coffee table.
Sorry Kate,
He spilt juice to stop the interview. It didn't end way you wanted it to and he was quite amicable. I hope the interview is still salvageable on your recorder.
Ana
And with that note, I washed my hands of any business to do Christian Grey.
The next weeks flew by with studying, studying and exams. The only thing mildly out of the ordinary was last Wednesday when a UPS package came for me. All I needed to see was that it was from Grey Enterprises and I asked the UPS guy to send it back. Christian Grey's office probably sent all the reporters gifts hoping they'd write about him in a better light. Seeing how he ended our interview by ruining my sweater, I'm pretty sure Olivia ordered a very nice box of chocolates for me. Since I wasn't doing any of the real reporting, I really shouldn't take anything from him. The less interaction I have with Christian Grey, the better.
Kate's finals ended two days before mine and she was ready for a night out when I still had a British lit course to study for.
"Have fun!" I said as I trudged passed Kate's room in my Clayton's t-shirt while she was adding the finishing touches to her make-up.
"Hey, if you want to read the Christian Grey interview, there's a hard copy on the kitchen table."
"Oh, okay." Why did my heart skip a beat? Is it because it reminded me of that day, how those grey eyes were oozing pity at me? I shudder at the recollection. "I take it that the interview was salvageable?" I say, trying to sound off-hand and casual.
"Oh yes." Kate said as she walked across the hall for the bathroom mirror to fix her hair. "Those recorders are resilient as hell, nothing short of dropping it red hot lava could destroy the memory card."
"Cool. I'll read it later." I'll read it never. "When's it going to print?"
"I'm just waiting for his office to send me some of his photos to go with the interview and we're set. It's so unprofessional to use preset photos. It still pisses me off that Jeff didn't call me about his car breaking down until an hour after you've left! You know, if I wasn't graduating I'd never use him to take photos again. I bet you he was hung over or something."
I didn't know Jeff like Kate did so I didn't comment. I skirt past the perilous document on the dining table and open the fridge to see if anything inspires me for dinner. I'm tired and didn't want to put too much effort in preparing food. While I'm rummaging through the freezer for something quick to put in the microwave, Kate appears in the kitchen. She's wearing a colourful silk chiffon dress that cascades effortlessly to the hem just above her knees. Her bare, tanned and toned calves were accentuated perfectly by the gold strappy sandals she has on. The dress is couture worthy, but Kate dresses it down so she would look perfectly natural at a beach bonfire or at a society cocktail party. She's beautiful and perfect and will dazzle all that behold her. I suspect it's one hot date she's got tonight.
"Christian Grey sent a box of chocolates and there was a burrito I didn't eat for lunch in there, you can help yourself to both."
"Thanks, I just might." Heating up a burrito was exactly what I was looking for.
Just as Kate was leaving, the theme song from Buffy the Vampire Slayer rang from her purse.
"Hello? Yes, this is she. Yes. Oh really? He would do that? Mm hmm. This Sunday? Sure! Oh. But why? I'm available now and Ms Steele – I see. Let me ask her. Can I just put you on hold for a sec?"
Kate covers the mic with her fingers and whispers "You free this Sunday Ana?"
"What's this about?" I whisper back.
"Do you have time to do another interview? I'll owe you big." She whispers back
"You already owe me big." Bigger than you'll ever comprehend, Katherine Kavanagh.
"I'll pay for the speeding ticket if you'll do this for me." Kate pleads with a cherry-on-top look in her eyes.
Damn! I forgot all about that. Not having to pay for that ticket would make a big difference to my post graduation bank balance, so I nodded at her without thinking through what I'm getting myself into.
"You're fantastic!" Kate mouths and gets back to her call.
"Yes, she'll be available. Sure. My email is the same as last time. Yes that's it. Okay then. Thank you. Bye-bye."
"What's all that about?" I ask with trepidation. I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck rising in anticipation of a name that fills my soul with dread.
"Christian Grey will be in town this weekend and proposed we take some fresh pictures of him for our interview!" Kate was over-the-moon elated, while my heart fell through the floor. I knew it! Nothing comes for free in this world.
"Why do I have to be there?" I'm already thinking of a thousand excuses not to go ahead with this. Maybe I could pull off a last minute no show like Jeff did. Even if it meant I'd work ten more weeks at Clayton's to pay for the money I owe Kate for the speeding ticket.
"He asked for you explicitly. His secretary explained he's more comfortable with the person he spoke to last time instead of starting a new conversation with someone else – like me for instance." Kate lips curled into a devilish smile. She wasn't chafed at the request, but rather took it as a compliment that someone would rather not face her interrogation personally. I can see the gears in her head clicking away at how she can turn this second chance into the exposé that she wanted to do for the last interview. "We'll show him Ana! There'll be no juice to spill this time! Let me think about this and talk to you later about it. When's your last exam?"
"Day after tomorrow." I answered disparagingly and stared at my toes. If I became incumbent to Kate's plans there's no way I can worm out of it, not while I'm sharing an apartment with her.
The doorbell rang and Kate bounds to answer. How she can move like that in 3-inch heels is beyond me.
I hear niceties are exchanged at the front door as Kate lets someone in, I can assume it's not her date but rather one of the many friends Kate has around campus.
"Hey, whatcha doin' baby girl?" I smile at the pleasant surprise of a familiar voice.
"Jose? What are you doing here?"
Jose Rodriguez, is a beautiful specimen of masculinity. I met him last year on one of the few occasions Kate managed to convince me to go out with her. We met through somebody who Kate knew from a class who knew Jose and somehow, we really hit it off that night. So now, almost two years down the line, in between his many sexcapades with his groupies from the basketball court bleachers and classes which Jose might occasionally attend, he would seek my company whenever he felt like he wanted someone he could just be himself and kill time with.
"I texted you and said I'm bringing Chinese food."
"You did? I'm sorry, I haven't checked my phone since work."
"You have plans? I could just take these home." Jose lifts the take-out bag and shows off his rippling biceps in a conscious unintentional way. Michaelangelo would look at Jose's body with envy that David didn't turn out like that.
"No, I'm fine, but I have to start studying for my exam day after next tonight."
Suddenly, Kate pops her head into the kitchen, I'd thought she'd gone. "Hey Jose!"
Jose turns curiously towards my roommate. I don't think they've exchanged five sentences in the time I've known Jose. "What can I do you for Kate?"
"You take pictures, right?"
Saying that Jose simply "takes pictures" is an understatement of the century. Though his major is engineering, his photography work had transcended past student exhibitions and has stirred quite a buzz in local the art scene.
"Yeah, you can say that…"
"How would you like to make some extra cash?"
"I'd never mind that." Kate had Jose's full attention, not that Jose was poor, he's at WSU on a basketball scholarship and his family could afford the other expenses. But Jose's a popular guy and all that socializing doesn't come for free. "School paper's doing a varsity calendar? Need me to pose?" he chuckles as he stands that marvelous torso up straight. That's what I love about Jose, he doesn't take the way he looks seriously at all. He takes advantages when it suits him, but he'd never internalized his beauty to be about who he was.
"No moron, I said take pictures." Kate jokes back. "We have an interview on Sunday and we just need someone to take some portraits."
"Portrait's my specialty baby! Who is it?"
"Christian Grey…" I cringe as Kate lets that name hang in the air.
"For real? How'd you score that?"
As if on cue, Christian Grey's brother, Elliot walks into the kitchen as well. "Hey babe, do you know your front door's opened?"
I don't know how many women Kate had to stab with her stillettos to start dating Elliot Grey, but I suspect it had something to do with her plan to get this interview. But now, seeing her pay so much attention to a night out with him after the fact, I suspect there's something more going on than a simple means to an end.
"Yeah, I heard your car pull up, but I had to ask Jose something." Kate said before planting a big kiss on Elliot's cheek. The two guys gave each other cursory nods and then Kate and Elliot left for their date.
"So what's all this business with Christian Grey? How the hell did The Daily Evergreen score an interview with him?" Jose asks as we start our evening of Chinese food and old movies. Jose thinks it's sacrilegious that I've never seen Coming to America and that it's an insult to all comedies that I've ever seen if I've never had this movie as a point of reference.
So despite the fact that Eddie Murphy's comedic best is playing in the background, I gave Jose a short explanation of who it is Kate's date is and a distilled version of the devastating interview. I emphasize how I failed flat on my face at the interviewing antics, but I couldn't quite convey the traumatic effect without exposing the most humiliating part of the interview towards the end. But I string the story together with the recent turn of events this evening where Kate ropes me in to yet another interview where she will attempt turn into another match worthy of Frost vs. Nixon.
Jose listened with interest and when I finished my story, he said in the most matter-of-fact tone "Have you considered that Christian Grey's interested in you?"
"Right. I'm expecting a call from Chris Evans this evening too."
"Just think about it. Why would a guy like Christian Grey, voluntarily initiate contact with amateur hour worthy reporting tactics by a girl from a school paper only to specifically want to speak to you again? C'mon, it doesn't get any more obvious than that!"
"No way! He could get any girl on the planet! Why would he even be remotely interested in me? He could pick and choose from the Victoria's Secret catalogue and I'm not talking about the lingerie."
"Suit yourself, how you want to think about it. I'm just letting you know how a guy thinks. You know you could do a lot worse than having Christian Grey finally pop that cherry of yours." Jose shoveled another mouthful of chow mein in his mouth and laughed at something Dan Ackeroyd said, and that's how the subject ended. There's guy talk for you.
I would be kidding myself if I said I was never attracted by Jose's raw sexual magnetism. In fact, the combination of alcohol and a general good atmosphere the very night we met, had me thinking that I should finally get off the virgin horse with Jose. It didn't matter that he was only a freshman, my first time would be with someone worthy of a Sports Illustrated cover who didn't break my heart, because I didn't give it to him. That's a better story than what most girls will tell you. In what must've been my alcohol induced aloofness, I figured he would never see my scars in the dark and I'd kick him out of my apartment before sunrise. I hardly knew him, so no harm, no foul. However, maybe it was because I'm unpracticed at the art seduction or I really don't have a sexual bone in my body, because by the time we got back to the apartment we were in a heated debate about the merits of Obama's health care plan. If that didn't kill the mood, Jose made the presumptuous move of removing his pants the minute I closed the front door! Any trickle of a libido I had dried up and we just ended up talking and enjoying each other's company for the rest of the night. It was a watershed moment for both of us as he's the closest thing to a friend I have on campus and I'm apparently the only girl Jose spent the night, but not slept with.
We didn't broach the subject of the interview for the rest of the night and Jose left shortly after the movie was over for an early night in. Unlike most of the other courses in my International Relations degree, I actually enjoyed studying for my British lit course. This elective course allowed a much needed break from subjects like Middle Eastern Politics and American Foreign Policy. Not that studying about the Bronte sisters was all ponies and rainbows. It was just a nice change to decipher what the worries and concerns of writers long dead and gone were than to face the brutal reality of the what is happening in the world today.
Only after an hour of staring at my notes, I discovered that the impending dread stirred up by the turn of the events of the evening were not conducive to studying. My stomach would churn involuntarily any time my mind wandered off about Christian Grey or what Kate was planning to put me up to. So I decided to climb into bed, resolute that a good night's sleep will refresh me and clear away my woes.
Instead, I dreamt of grey eyes staring into soul.