Disclaimer: The fatigue of it all, alas I have given up…no, I do not own Naruto or any of its characters.
A/N: My sincerest apologies for the late update. There has been much going on in my life, but instead of pointing fingers I'd like to thank the people that contributed to the troubled reality that has become my life thus far, for without you this chapter would have never met the expected standards. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, so without further adieu I bring you bring angst.
Chapter 4: The Power of Goodbye
The blaring of an alarm clock woke me up for the first time in years. Plagued by an insomnia brought about by this hell on earth we call a shinobi lifestyle, I've never been truly able to sleep as the faces of those I've killed and allowed to die would always find themselves out of the shadows of the labyrinth I placed them in my mind, to engulf what would have been a peaceful night's sleep. I won't give them the satisfaction of tossing and turning, but their insatiable need to see me suffer emotionally would always be quenched.
But for the first time in almost eighteen years, I slept. Her face taunting the demons in my mind, brightening their shadowy aftermaths with showers of cherry blossom petals and sunshiny smiles, her face at last put my mind at ease, and I couldn't wait to see more of it.
I slam the damn klaxon off and head to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee and finally start the day when I hear a knock at my door. Strange, I never have visitors much less those that come at 6 in the morning. I couldn't sense their chakra so I proceed with the necessary caution as I open my door.
"Sasuke?" He seemed tense, apparently willing to express his anger full throttle at whoever dared to question his mood. That feeling arose again, the same pang I felt when I left Sakura's apartment yesterday, but I shrugged it off as I gave his disposition the benefit of the doubt.
"What brings you here so—" but I never finish my sentence as a brief chirping of birds was heard before a flash of blue made its way into my apartment walls. I half-manage to avert myself from the blow when another assault was made directly at me this time. I felt the rage in his attack, saw how his Sharingan spun madly as his chidori tried to slice me however it could. In the crossfire of things I'm somehow able to restrain him the best I could, holding his arms firmly behind his back, and placing the same kunai he placed a fresh gash in my hand with moments ago against his throat.
"You may have well put that thing to my back," he spat at me, the venom in his words reputed. It stung but I couldn't blame him; he had every right to want to skin me inside-out. He didn't have to say another word for me to know why he came here.
"Please Sasuke let me explain."
"Explain why you're fucking my girlfriend? By all means Kakashi-sensei, I'm dying to hear every detail!" he screams as he kicks me in the shin and throws about ten shuriken my way. Before long he has made a sword of chakra fueled by detestation and fraudulence. My mind tries to fathom how he could have ever found out such a thing when it only happened yesterday, but then again in his state of mind he may as well be springing forth random thoughts at the situation. Still…
"Sasuke, please tell me where you are hearing such things," I say as I dodge several strikes of his sword. The final blow cut my leg deeply and it burned like hot acid, a metaphor of the pain he feels upon the revelation of Sakura and my relationship I'm sure.
"The source herself" he answers pointing his weapon towards my doorway where I see a distraught Sakura standing, eyes bloodshot and her benign spirit broken.
"Kakashi, I'm so sorry," her voice crackles out as fresh tears stream down a deathly pale face. She reaches out for me to comfort her but somehow I hesitate, with that precise moment being the one Sasuke chose to lunge forward with his sword. It grazes my arm as I dart the assault but it captures Sakura completely, puncturing deep into her chest. The tiny trickling of blood begins to pour from the corner of her mouth as her limp body sways. Refusing to go down so pathetically, she forces one last smile as she says "Kakashi-sensei" and alas allows the tides of death to wash over. I feel my world crumble the second my mind processes what has happened, but instead of crying and killing the bastard behind me I give a petit smile.
"I trained you well. You really caught me off-guard for a while there."
"Heh. Apparently it wasn't long enough to kill."
"Remember who your teacher was first and foremost. Nice try Sasuke" and the bloody genjustu that once was Sakura disappeared before us in a puff of smoke, the door of my apartment taking its place. "Do you mind if we talk this through first and close off with the death match you so desire?"
"There isn't much to say, but if you'd rather delay your death by all means" and he leans on the arm of a sofa which looks more like pieces of sponge held together by fragments of wood. I on the other hand choose to rest on an opposing seat after having to start my day on such a sour note.
"Would you like something to drink?" I offer like a good host, hoping that a hot cup of tea would sedate him long enough for us to talk this through as amicably as possible.
"What were you doing at Sakura's apartment yesterday?" Straight to business…understandable. I'd probably prefer it the same way if I was in his shoes, but I'm not quite ready to lay all my cards on the table.
"What gives you the impression I went over? Usually when I see her it's by the park, a public area where no one can draw such conclusions about our meetings."
"I'm sure. Here, I believe this belongs to you," he says throwing a small orange paperback book my way. My pupils dilate for the briefest of seconds as I realize how reckless I had been. It must have slipped out of my pocket when I flung my jacket on the floor. Damn it Hatake, why were you so careless!
"I found it on the floor by her bedside. I must say you taught her how to lie pretty good too Hatake-san. When I asked her about it she said she was just curious about sex and wanted to learn more so things won't be so awkward when we finally consummate our love. If I didn't know any better, if I hadn't seen her pull you in her apartment and your filthy tongue lavishing hers before you left, damn it I would've believed the bitch." His voice reeked of malice and those usually cool dark eyes were now ablaze with red and black, a fire greater than the kyuubi's burning vibrantly in them. For the first time since I allowed those sinful ideologies to engulf my mind, I felt remorse and regret at what I had done. I never intended to hurt Sasuke as badly as I had now, but my love for Sakura was far greater than any guilt my heart was feeling at betraying a student, a friend.
"Tell me why. Why did you take advantage of her that way? Did you place her in a genjutsu posing as me? Did you threaten her? Damn it Kakashi tell me what the fuck you were doing with Sakura!" his voice roared towards me, daring me to insult his intelligence with some bullshit excuse.
"I didn't take advantage of her, never threatened her nor place her in any genjutsu. I just loved her."
"Liar!" and with a pound of his fist his destroyed the remainder of that sofa. Lucky him I had intentions of getting rid of the old thing.
"What do you want me to say Sasuke, rather what do you want to hear? That I slept with her, a past student of mine?"
"Isn't that the truth Kakashi?" A tinge of hurt of the realization that it may be a possible truth taints the rage in his eyes with the most disgusting of bodily functions for the Uchiha: tears. Now more than ever he needed to know.
"Hai," was the simple reply. His eyes widen in horror, as though his worst nightmare had finally come true.
"You're sick…you sick fuck…how could you…" he repeats fumbling with more repugnant words to describe me, fighting back the bile threatening to submerge upon coming to terms with the distasteful matter.
"Do you even realize what you've done? I thought you were a pervert Kakashi, but never did I think you were as sick as this."
"Why do you make it sound so vile Sasuke? Is it because it was Sakura specifically or—"
"Why else Kakashi? Firstly, she was a student of yours, but what's even more revolting is the fact that you have no problem fucking around with someone who could pass for your little sister." He approaches me now, challenging me to stand and face him man to man, so I obey.
"What does it matter how old I am to her, or what she was to me in the past? What does matter is that I love her, will do anything and everything to protect her, and that she loves me back," I reply more defiant than ever. How dare he pass off what we have as some sick pervert's fantasy come true!
"Can you protect her from yourself?"
"Bastard," I say clenching my teeth beneath the words as I promise myself that I won't allow things to escalate any further. But Sasuke would rather have nothing better than to push my buttons and see me crack under his childish games, proving his point that I'm some sort of child molester.
"What is it that irks you the most Sasuke, that she's in love with an older man, or that the older man is me?" The tables have turned and now it is he that can take it no longer. He lunges towards me, trying his hardest to choke every molecule of oxygen out of my system, oblivious to the fact that it's my couch décor he's massacring and that I'm standing right behind him. As he swings his hand around I grab his hand and subdue him once again in shackles made of chakra. Feeling defeat at last Sasuke slumps to the floor, but continues his venomous rant about my love for his girl.
"You've turned her into a whore. She'd never do something so illogical," he tells me despondently.
"It's not illogical, it's just love. Sometimes it makes you do crazy things, but when you reap its rewards in the end do you understand and appreciate the trials you underwent to reach that source of maturity."
"Beautiful Hatake-san, simply beautiful. I'm sure the Godaime would think the same once she finds out you're the bastard that broke out her student." He smirks now, figuring he's hooked the fish on the bait, but I'm not biting just yet.
"Tsunade-sama trusts that whatever decision Sakura makes is to her benefit. Don't try to twist things around."
"Oh please Kakashi, be realistic here. The first thing she'll think is 'how dare Kakashi take advantage of Sakura's kindness and manipulate her in such a way'. Considering your family history there'll be no doubt in the minds of the people of Konoha that you're just as demented as that bastard of man you called fath—" He crossed the line the minute he brought him into the subject, and for that I had to break his nose.
"How dare you cast judgement on that which you know nothing of!" I didn't know I felt such ire when it came to dealings of my father, but it didn't matter for Sasuke had no right to say who did the village wrong, being the brother of Konoha's most hated missing-nin.
He spits out some of the blood before he continues.
"I speak as I see it. But please, before you assault me any further, do think about what I'm saying. If word gets out that you and Sakura are an 'item' if you want to dress it so nicely, questions will arise. 'How long has this been going on?' 'Wasn't she is ex-pupil?' 'Wasn't she with Sasuke?' And how will you answer them Kakashi? Will you tell them this pursued while she was still courting me, for it is the truth after all. You say you're in love, but considering the amount of porn you read in public do you honestly believe anyone would think to consider you know the definition of love, especially after encouraging a young girl to sleep with her former sensei behind her boyfriend's back?"
The little cunt, turning what would've been a beautiful moment into the most disgusting feat ever. The people can't, won't believe what he says. But do you give them reason to disagree with his statement?
"Hai, I do. Once they see us together, see how much love we have to offer each other—"
"I held you in higher esteem Hatake-san, truly I did. But after the bull you just said, I have to question my initial thoughts of you. No one will care to see what public displays of affection you two have to present. They'll stone you before you get the chance, maybe after they burn her to the stake for such acts of whoredom. You've tainted a perfectly good girl's reputation, all because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants."
Now the son of a bitch needs to die. It's one thing to dishonor me, but to drag her name in the mud like that…
"I do believe Sakura understands the 'consequences' of her actions Uchiha, and so long as she knows I'll never hold her in that light I know she can care less what everyone else would think."
"The sound of a true hopeless romantic. More pathetic than I thought," he replies with the voice of someone ashamed of their friend's behaviour. "Why not test it yourself Kakashi? Maybe you don't give a damn, but the minute you step into the outside world with such a declaration see how long she lasts. They'll torture her day in and out at the hospital, her friends I'm sure will question her behaviour with ignominy and remorse. She'll be not only the laughing stock but an embarrassment, to the Godaime, to the people, and most importantly to herself."
It stung like a hornet, the reality of things. I had always hoped our love would be strong enough to conquer it all, but sad to say the punk is making a point. I've lived most of my life here, seen the ups and downs of this community, and as loving as the people are the underbelly of the snakes that feast on their souls always emerge in times of woe, times where your best friend becomes your most hated enemy, times when the people you most depend on are the same ones quick to persecute; the bittersweet irony of life. As much as I love her I just couldn't put her through that pain for I'm living proof of what such ridicule can do to one's spirit, and the last thing I want on this earth is to produce another Hatake Kakashi just as wretched as I. Damn you Sasuke, damn you and the perverse minds of the village for defiling something so innocent, so wonderful in its own way.
"Leave her be, and I will tell not a soul of this. Pursue this relationship, and my mouth will run like the rivers of the village of Mist," he threatens with much anticipation that I'll heed his word. For once, since he entered my apartment this morning, I listen to what he says…and I comply.
"You have my word," I answer solemnly, some form of grief constricting my words.
"Tonight Hatake, and I mean it!"
How, how did I just know the kamis were looming over us the entire time, waiting to strike their wrath upon me? Is this my retribution for Icha Icha, or not training my new genin as hard as I should have? What could I have possibly done to anger them so that they must punish me in such a way? I found a love like never before, and for the sake of her whom I love I must let her go. The partiality of life, a fucking injustice…
"Need I repeat myself Sasuke, you have my word." With nothing more to be exchanged I release my chakra hold on him and permit his departure, for if he stayed any longer I may have slaughtered the progeny to the point of no recognition.
-
The day continues as though my encounter with Sasuke never occurred. I visit Moegi briefly at the hospital to hear she'll be checking out later in the day. Apparently the boys stayed all night playing doctor and monitoring her better than I gave them credit for. I leave them be and proceed with my indignant mental countdown till dawn where dreams of a bright future will diminish before it even begins.
"Just a second!" I hear my cherry blossom bellow for what would be the last time I see her under such circumstances. It's almost 7 o'clock, about an hour and a half left before I hand her over to the man that will give her a life better than I could.
"Oh Kakashi, I hadn't expected to see you here so late, but please do come in," she says gesturing me inside before closing the door and pulling me towards her for the only kiss I know we'll share tonight.
"I missed you."
"You look gorgeous," I compliment but not as heartedly as I normally would.
"Arigato. I hope it's not too overdone. After all, I don't want Sasuke getting the wrong impression," she says with a light chuckle. Yeah, that short tight black cocktail dress with killer heels to match is sure to send out the right signals.
"What do you mean?" I ask nevertheless.
She swings her arms around my neck and looks lovingly into my chocolate orbs as she replies, "Tonight is the night I start my life anew with you Hatake Kakashi."
"I'm sorry Sakura…but I can't continue like this anymore," I say ruefully as I slowly remove her hands from me and place them at her side.
"I don't understand Kakashi." She's staring at me with beryl eyes of sadness and confusion, eager to know why I rejected her so, and my heart continues its abhorrent rhythm thudding harder each time as though trying to reprimand me for the way I'm about to hurt her.
"I took advantage of a young woman's longing for true love, and for that I cannot allow this to persist. Gomen Sakura, but I forbid you to see me as more than your sensei." I turn away from her, unable and unwilling to see the look of offense I'm sure her face is wearing right about now. But she doesn't let me for long as she tilts my head her way and plants one last kiss in a desperate attempt to change my mind. I don't give in to the gesture, and at last gain her attention.
"Why are you doing this Kakashi? Did I do something wrong, something to offend you?"
"No Sakura, I am the one that wronged you." I take a deep breath before I finish my sentence. "I'm a sick man Haruno, and I think I've finally allowed Icha Icha Paradise to consume me. I…I don't love you, I never saw you as a potential companion for life, only as an easy target." This morning's breakfast is slowly stifling my oesophagus the more slander I speak of myself, yet I continue.
"I allowed the sadistic fantasy of knowing some hott young chick had truly cared for my old ass to pursue farther than it ought to, but when you told me you wanted me to be your first…it put the icing on the cake." Her eyes are glassy with angst at the fact that the man she placed her all into has betrayed every fabric of faith in her.
"Stop," she says barely above a whisper, shaking her head gradually as though trying to erase the memory of my newly uttered words bit by painstaking bit. Yet I continue…
"I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that, and for that I'm—"
"Sorry?" she finishes for me with the wrath of a thousand hells seeping into her crackling voice. "Sorry for making me think that you cared for me past our friendship, sorry that you told me you loved me when it was a lie, sorry that you…you slept with me?" She clenches her fist into such a ball almost no colour can be seen in her knuckles. I'm awaiting the blow but she chooses to leave with some final words before she probably beats the daylight out of me.
"I trusted you. The whole village could've been against you yet I would've been the one to stand by your side. And you tell me now all the while you couldn't give a damn what I did so long as it got you in my pants, is that it? No Kakashi, you're not sick. You're nauseating, repulsive till no end, you…you…" she flares, and I approach her to give her better reach at assaulting me for I deserve every strike. She slaps me but once, hard and short across my face before proceeding to punch the devil out of my jacket. She wanted more; she wanted to use all her chakra in one blow if it meant I'll suffer eternally, but she leaves me be with closing words of wisdom.
"The next time you're looking for a good fuck, I want the memory of me to be engraved into your soul. I want you to remember how good it felt to screw your student blind, to hear her scream your name and not her boyfriend's, to know that she left you to rot in your own hole of misery instead of putting you out of it. Get out Kakashi-sensei, and never step foot in this place again!" With nothing to respond to I make my exit amidst several hoarse shouts of "Get out", hearing her cries of anguish howl like a bat out of hell as I close the door.
--
I took that odyssey home by foot, wanting to feel as much pain as she did, knowing very well it would never come close to comparison. A rouge tear had made its way onto my face, but I quickly dried it for I deserved to shed not an ounce of sorrow after the way I battered her. I'm sure my demeanor puzzled the shit out of most of you, but I'll tell you this; it was better that way. She can now have a relationship without fear of ridicule, a relationship more fulfilling than the one I would've given her had she stayed with me.
One will ask themselves now, "Why didn't you just tell her the truth, for knowing Sakura she'll understand and help in the fight for your love." And I'll reply with this; Hai, knowing Sakura she would want to fight, maybe go the extreme of running away together from the scorn of Konoha so we could live our lives with the passion and love we ought to. She would've strived to find a way, but alas she'll have done so blindly for there is no light at the end of this tunnel. We've individually made a name for ourselves, there's nowhere we can go without recognition and the title that would've been attached would've been far from patrician. This way, she'll have learnt a valuable lesson: never trust a way older man, and maybe then she could find her own happiness, the bliss she so rightly deserves.
This way, it's easier for me to let go, because she has.