Changed Forever: Merlin

Merlin opened his eyes The room was dark and quiet. Dawn was coming. The faintest light was beginning to touch the windows. There was no more pain. He felt wrapped in stillness, his body relaxed. He could breathe.

Arthur was asleep in a chair next to him. He must have been there for a while because he wasn't wearing his chainmail, thought Merlin to himself. His familiar blond hair was disheveled and he hadn't shaved, but his shirt was clean. Gaius was seated on the other side of the bed, his arm draped around someone. Alice. He began to remember. The pain, the burning hell of pain and Alice's soft voice, the cool liquid. Magic.

His eyes widened as he realized what had happened. Memory and fear gripped him in sudden terror. He had used magic in front of Arthur. His eyes returned to the sleeping king. Someone had draped a blanket around his shoulders. Arthur had seen him use magic, but here he was, next to Merlin. He remembered Arthur's voice like a lifeline in the burning darkness. He remembered Arthur's eyes, clear and direct. Before his mind could understand what all those things meant, his heart understood. Tears flooded his eyes. Arthur would call him a girl, Merlin thought to himself with a hysterical certainty. He took a deep breath to calm himself and the king startled awake.

In that moment their eyes met; he heard Arthur say his name.

To Merlin's surprise, Arthur did not smile, he did not move again. He closed his eyes and lowered his head, swallowing hard. He raised his hand after a moment; the familiar imperious gesture that Merlin knew meant Arthur needed silence.

Arthur opened his eyes and they shone lucent in the light of the rising sun. He reached out to touch Merlin's injured hand and then to look at his chest. Only the horrific scar remained, now newly reddened and twisted further, but cleanly healed. There was a peculiar expression on his face.

"Hey," said Merlin softly.

Arthur reached down, placing his hand on Merlin's forearm. His grip was firm and warm, and Merlin, not sure how to respond, only took a deep breath as he looked into Arthur's eyes. He was afraid of what he might find there, despite what his heart was telling him.

"I'm sorry, Arthur," he breathed, trying to look away. "I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't take the chance. You might have sent me away. Please Arthur, don't..."

Arthur convulsively tightened his grip on Merlin's arm, stopping him mid-word. His heart sank; fear impaled him.

"Merlin, you idiot", he interrupted. The king spoke again after a moment, but his voice was thick with emotion

"I owe you everything, Merlin. I wouldn't even be here, except," he paused, looking directly into Merlin's turbulent eyes: he could not avoid their direct candor. Merlin was afraid he could not bear to see the change that might be there. Arthur went on speaking.

"You used magic to save me and you've been doing it for years. You have saved Camelot more times than Gaius could say and never once did I know. I don't know the whole story and I want to kill you for lying to me. And I have a feeling the lie is so big, it's already changed everything." The warlock tried to meet Arthur's eyes, but the certainty of their separation was looming. He was panicked, the futility of his situation rendering him ever more silent. His heart was pounding so hard, he could barely hear.

"When I saw that lightning bolt hit you Merlin, I saw you had magic, but all I really understood was that I couldn't lose you." At that, the warlock had no choice but to raise his eyes in shock. "Don't say anything!", the king commanded softly, with a glance. He couldn't understand Arthur's tone, or maybe he was afraid to hope.

"I've been trying to think what I would say to you, if you made it." He lowered his head again. "Do you hear what I just said, Merlin? " He continued with a soft bitter laugh. "If you made it..." He was having trouble finding his words. "If it hadn't been for Alice... You were burned Merlin, and Gaius had no way to tell how badly your heart was damaged, until Alice got here. It was unbearable, the pain you were in, and I knew it was because of me. I saw the scar..." His emotion threatened to overcome him again. "Merlin, how many hells have you been through for me?" Although his voice was quiet, almost too quiet, Merlin was taken aback by the passion he heard in Arthur's voice. He found his own tears rising again, as he watched his friend struggle to express himself.

"Your heart stopped Merlin. Right when Alice was healing you. I thought..." he paused again, and Merlin was shocked at the agony he heard there. "Gaius lost it and he hit your chest so hard, I heard a rib break. I thought he had gone mental, but your heart started again. I've never seen Gaius use magic, but it was a miracle Merlin! He spoke a spell to tie your heart and your breathing to his own. He kept you breathing and your heart beating, and Alice went on with the healing. It was only with both of their magic that they were able to bring you back. It was...," and here his words ceased,while he shook his head, his voice sunk to a tormented whisper. "It was a miracle." The silence deepened and the warlock raised his eyes hopefully, hardly daring to believe. "Don't ever come that close to dying again, Merlin." He squeezed his friend's arm gently, closing his eyes again. He wanted to believe that Arthur was accepting his magic, but the idea was so vast, and his heart so raw. His friend was suffering and he wanted to make quip, to bring a more familiar look into Arthur's eyes, than the guilty pain he saw there. But his king was seldom so direct, so honest, and his servant knew better than to interrupt.

"Just don't, " he ended. His words stumbled into silence, and Arthur was struggling to find them again.

"You are the best person I know, Merlin. Never have you failed me. And I'm beginning to understand so many things. Not long ago, Gaius told me that one day I would know all the sacrifices that had been made for me. I'm beginning to find out. " He took a deep breath. "But things can never be the same."

Merlin nodded his assent, his heart was too full. Arthur truly understood what he had done for him, but he steeled himself for what would come next. How many times had he heard the words of banishment in his imagination. At least Arthur was grateful. His heart was breaking.

"Stay in Camelot, " said the king. "Fight by my side. Magic cannot be the evil I was taught if it is you who commands it. It saved you last night and you have used it for good for years, in secret. but..."" He stopped, his eyes searching Merlin's.

He could only nod. He couldn't manage a word, he was so shocked and so amazed. Unthinking, he tried to sit up, pushing himself upward with one hand and trying to reach out to Arthur with the other, but he didn't have the strength. Arthur's quick hands caught him, holding him for a moment, before he settled him gently back on the pillows. He lightly touched Merlin's hair, and it was in that moment, with that gesture, that Merlin understood how truly improbable his survival had been. He remembered Lancelot's wry smile as the darkness took him away.

"When are you going to listen, you idiot" Arthur said gruffly. "I told you not to move, remember."

Merlin could not help but smile, his heart surging. The truth of what Arthur had just said, beginning to work it's way into his heart. The moment would live forever in his memory.

"I am yours to command," he said simply, after a long silence. "I will stand by your side and defend Camelot. Because there is a better way Arthur, and I know that you, only you..." He tried to focus his words, he was so full of feeling and his vision narrowed, as creeping weakness overcame him. The darkness closed in, framing Arthur in an unnatural glowing sort of way. He fought himself into awareness again, still buoyed by the clear light in his friend's eyes. He felt the joy of the impossible gather and center his waning strength. "You are the Once and Future King and I will serve you gladly."

A mad happiness filled him, even though his strength was failing completely now. His sight wavered, but his joy could not be contained.

"I swear," he whispered, taking Arthur's hand, who held it as king holds the hand of those who swear fealty. With those words a white glow began to flood from between their linked fingers. Sparks of gold, flew from the heart of the shimmering brilliance circling their joined hands with motes of golden light. It faded as Merlin smiled and looked up at the king for a moment, his heart shining in his eyes.

"And I, "echoed Gaius, to Merlin's surprise, for the world had shrunk to the space between he and Arthur.

"And I, " repeated Alice as she placed her small hand on Arthur's shoulder.

But Merlin could say no more. The joy in his heart could no longer compensate for his failing strength. Exhaustion blanketed him in silence as the glow faded from their hands. It was enough for him to know that he had a place by the side of his king, his friend, and that Arthur's warm hand lay still on his own. It held him fast, it held him steady in the sea of dark that beckoned. He murmured Arthur's name once more as his eyes fluttered shut and he slid into a healing sleep once more. He did not see the face of the king, nor did he see his tears, the tears that could belong to no mortal man, the tears that sealed their vow.